Husband Advice - Broken Arrow,OK

Hmmm.
That one thing.
Are you talking about bowling?
I hate bowling.

Just kidding.

I know you are trying to be discreet, but tell him that women are like frying pans.
You have to heat them up a little before throwing the meat in.

I think you should be honest and tell him that it feels insulting to say that he wouldn't be married to you if you didn't do x,y,z even if you're not comfortable with it because there is more to you than that.
Then, I would tell him what YOUR one thing is or maybe YOU won't be interested.

I'm not for arguing, holding out, or tit-for-tat (no pun intended), but perhaps you can get him to consider mutual satisfaction.

Mutual meaning reciprocal.

Not to be confused with receptacle.

Just my opinion and no offense intended.

As almost all of the previous posters said, men view sex differently than women. To say it another way . . . men need a place, women need a reason.

To learn how men view sex, read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You will learn a lot about him and how men think. Then give the book to him and he will learn a lot about you and how women think.

I don't remember the movie's title, but Woody Allen's character and his wife were both talking to marriage counselors. He was talking to a man, and she was talking to a woman. He was complaining that she always turned him down and that they NEVER had sex. She was complaining that he was always asking for sex and that was all he wanted. The screen split and you heard the male and female marriage counselors simultaneously ask, "How often do you two have sex?" Then you hear Woody Allen's character and his wife simultaneously reply, "Twice per week."

Twice per week was nowhere near enough for him and way too much for her. And so it goes. For a man, sex reaffirms the relationship. Someone mentioned a quickie as a way to satisfy the need for him. You want more talk and less sex. He wants more sex and less talk. If you have more sex, you are likely to get more talk ("talk" is symbolic for meeting your needs.)

If you go to the grocery store and are hungry, you may go to the produce department and pick up an apple. You may even want to take a bite to satisfy your hunger, but the grocery store wants you to pay for the apple BEFORE you take a bite. So, what do you do? Most people pay for the apple, and then take the bite.

The best time to talk to men about anything important to you is to do it after "doing it". The longer between sexual experiences the more men tend to think about sex. Its just biological. Its the way men are built. Things that would make a man mad before having sex, would be a "so what" to him afterwards. Its part of the buildup to making him aggressive enough to make him want sex.

BTW, tell him what you want. Don't hint ! ! I do not take hints and seldom get them. But I do understand direct statements. Example: You have had a hard day. The baby has just filled his diaper for what seems the umpteenth time. Your husband walks through the door and you say, "Little Jimmy stinks" and your voice says you have had a hard day. Your husband replies, "Yes he does", and continues on. He has heard what you have to say and agrees with you. Any woman on this site knows you want him to change Jimmy's diaper. IF you want him to change Jimmy's diaper, you need to say,"I've had a hard day. Will you please change Jimmy's diaper for me? Thanks!" Then you hand him Jimmy, a clean diaper, and the baby wipes. Now he knows what you want. Its all a matter of communication, an exchange of ideas. If he doesn't understand what you want, you haven't communicated.

Good luck to you and yours.

Well, do you like doing that one thing? Or is it bothersome? I would suggest that yes, your husband is sounding a bit selfish, but you have to be careful. If you continue to be annoyed, then you could fall deeper into the pit, if you know what I mean. You should try talking to him in a loving way, and explain to him that you are tired and just want to hang out and talk to him. Let him know that you value time with him, not always doing that one thing. You say you have 3 kids, but not ages. If they are young, which I am assuming they are, it is tiring to raise kids and let alone work too. Maybe you could ask for a date night with your husband so you can get away and be alone with him, and talk, and maybe have dinner, then that one thing may be enjoyable for you both, and you can both feel needed and appreciated. Also, do you have any friends, that you can talk to? Sometimes it helps just to hang out with a girlfriend for a little while, and chit chat about life. I try to do that regularly!! Good luck to you!!

You need to sit down and think about what you need/would like out of the relationship and then have a conversation with him about that and ask his needs and wants and what he would like see changed. It seems you're in a bit of a rut and you need to work to get out.
For that thing he needs, make sure it's about you too and have your fun too, don't let it be all about him, ebcause if it is, it won't be as exciting and fun and you won't do it as often and you will be in the same rut. Spice it up, outfits, suprise him make him feel loved, start intiiating and then follow up in a few days with the conversation above. Thats what I'd do. Show him I'm trying to make him feel loved and then make sure he';s aware of what I need. Maybe talk after you fulfill both of your needs, whle laying there. If that doesnt work and he still doesn't try and make you happy, I'd say you have to post a whole other question.
Goodluck

Welcome to Mamapedia! Pretty fun topic for a first question!

When we were expecting, we listened to a book "Babyproofing your marriage". Well, it went through some good ideas - but one of the main thrusts of the book was "the five minute solution".

Those five minutes really help the up and down of a relationship.

You put in five minutes of work, and the dopamine and whatnot is released in the brain - voila, organic xanax.

So....is it worth five minutes to you?

Well, it's a Sweeping Generalization, of course, but still....

Men need sex to feel loved, appreciated. Women need to feel loved, appreciated in every OTHER way in order to WANT sex.

Frankly it's amazing anyone EVER has sex with this set up.

Still, BOTH of you have what the OTHER needs to feel love, appreciated.

So it makes NO sense to hold out.

Time for communication I think. Let him tell you HIS needs, require him to hear YOUR needs, in a non-accusing conversation.

Likely HE is dumber/prouder then you (just by virtue of being a man, sorry guys), so it is (however unfairly) on YOU to make that communication happen.

Sorry.

Really, you're a team. Work together.

Least in a perfect world, that's the way it works.

Sigh.

;)

Men need/want sex. Women need/want sex AND other things. In my experience, men need sex to feel emotionally close to a woman. Women need to feel emotionally attached to a man BEFORE they want sex. (I'm generalizing here, but you get the picture). Took my husband and I quite a few years to figure this out.

Figure out what YOU need and then have a conversation with your husband. "Honey, I love that you want me so much. I know you'd like more sex. I've been thinking about what I'd like more of and its XYZ (date night 2X per month, some conversation, time to myself, a bubble bath, etc. Why don't we both make an effort to give the other person a little more of what they need?"

For me, it's 15-20 minutes of face to face time after dinner every night. We talk about our days, current events, anything really - but we TALK. We sit across the table from each other and we pay attention. My husband has a little ADD, so it's important that I feel he hears me. After that, I'm up for s-e-x any time he'd like. I can count on one hand how many times either of us has turned the other down in the almost 20 years we've been married. We take turns initiating (although it's usually my idea and we have separate bedrooms so there's an invitation involved). He understands that I'm happy to have sex, but I need to feel emotionally connected first.

There are weeks were we're both busy and we don't get that talking time for a few days. We tend not to have much sex those weeks. Think about what you'd like more of and then ask for it, but offer what he'd like more often too. If you're not in the mood, just fake it 'til you make it. Can't tell you how often I think I'm not in the mood, but then by the time things get going, I'm having a great time. Men need to be needed (or at least feel as if they're needed). Be a little less independent in his eyes. Let him take care of you a little. Good luck.

I think that people who commented are automatically assuming that you are withholding sex and that's why he treats you like that, BUT, what I am reading is that you DO have sex with him, but he doesn't have any interest in you when the two of you aren't actually in the moment of sex.

Tell him what you need. Tell him that you want to be loved and wanted for more than just your vagina without being made to feel guilty.

Marriage is a two way street and sex is a vital part of marriage, however, he is tearing you down by saying things like "well, if we aren't doing that, I'll go hang out and watch football". By saying that, I don't blame you for feeling "less". Both of your goals should be to fulfill each other.

Now, there are people who will say that you must not be giving him enough sex or putting enough into your marriage or he would treat you better, but that's a load of garbage. It's a common practice to place blame on the wife for any and all marital problems. Don't let that push you down further.

My husband and I have an amazing sexual relationship, but that's not just based on frequency or just plain love of sex. It's also based on how we treat each other OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Your husband needs to know that love, honor, respect and kindness is the foundation to a healthy sexual relationship.

I wish you the best!

I have always maintained the power of the quickie. It helps keep the connection even when you're not feeling so connected, until you get it back. Your husband is not going to hear you until he gets what he needs to unclog his ears. Until then, everything just sounds like an excuse to say no. Seriously, he hears, "Blah, blah...no sex...blah, blah...needs and feelings...blah, blah, blah." You can get mad about that, or you can accept that it is what it is and do what you can to get his attention so you can be heard. Even if you just got up and left, that would get his attention, but you wouldn't be heard, and that would defeat the purpose. It's always important to understand how things work so you can manipulate/negotiate your way through them, but I digress. Make your list of discussion topics and separate them by order of importance and quick resolution. Have sex with him and then tell him that you'd like to talk to him, have him help you work some stuff out in your own head. Think of it as YOUR (singular) problem. This is how I learned to approach my husband: "I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile what I get from you with what I need, and I think that if you can help me to understand why you do some of the things that you do, then that might help me to relax a little bit and trust that you've got my back." Or something like that. It's got to be after sex, though. And don't try to address everything on the list at once.

Its a 2 way street.
He needs that.
You not so much maybe.
And you need or want, something else to unwind.
Fine.

But you are a couple.
So some compromise is needed. Rationally.
If it is not just a one sided thing.
Seems like Hubby is just wanting that one thing. If not, he'd not have married you. Egad, not nice to hear huh?
Well.

Anyway, some people are like a toothpaste tube. They are needed and useful and are handled everyday. But at some point it runs out. Then what?
So the person has to go and get another one. Or just have gawd awful teeth and bad breath, because they are just too lazy to go out and get another tube of toothpaste to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.
ie: a couple is like a tube of toothpaste.
Ya gotta take care of it, and each other. And realize, when it is running out. If not, it just runs out and that's... it.
See ya later alligator.

Have you TOLD your Husband... what you need or would like?
Your way of relaxing or unwinding, is probably different. Which is fine. Each person is different.
But, still, he can't be an "Eunuch."

But yes, you need to tell your Hubby, that you need other things to do to relax so that, you do not always feel "hunted" for that ONE thing... and that, you don't feel that that is all your Husband wants you for.
A Husband needs to take care of his Wife too, in a well rounded way.
And you are not a kept woman.

He needs to give you what you need just like you need to give him what he needs. You have to be up front and specific with men though and make it clear what your needs are. If you don't he won't have the opportunity to give you what you need! I have no idea if he will or not but give him the chance. Speaking form my experience of being married to quite a wonderful man - he does not at all know what I want or need unless I spell it out black and white. It's just a completely different brain they have!! There are also some great marriage books and studies out there. maybe look into one to do either with or even on your own just to get ideas and advice form others in a similar situation. One I know of is called "The Art of Marriage" but there are LOTS! Seven Love Languages, Mars/Venus, Laughing your Way through Marriage.... Haven't done those myself but hear them referred to often. Communicate, give him the chance to give you what you need. If he doesn't man up you have to go from there but at least you will know you did all you can on your part.

What's the "one thing" you need to stay in your marriage and are you getting it?

Have you ever heard of the "Everyday for a Month" plan? Tell him you want sex everyday for a month straight. I know it sounds like a lot, but once you get into it actually really can bring a closeness and sense of connectedness. Towards the end of the month, and now that you have his attention, I would start talking to him about how you are feeling. I would make it clear that a great sex life is important to you, but you feel pressured lately rather than it being fun.