K.G.
We had a very similar thing going on in our marriage. It's the debt that creates strife not the money. I was in charge of all the money and bills and hated it. I was not good at it. I kept asking him to take it over and he wouldn't do it.
FINALLY, I decided I was done. I typed up a list of: bank accounts, bills, credit cards, user names, passwords, balances, due dates etc, and I handed it to him. I said :"here you go, I'm done. If you want the bills paid on time you can do it, and I don't care anymore" He was SO MAD at me. But, he started to do it.
We were in debt over $20,000 with credit cards and a car loan. This is not including our mortgage. He is the sole provider so we have a limited income. I was paying only minimum paymens and we were getting nowhere. We too had the fights, "I want to buy this and that" He would say we can't afford it till we pay off our debt. That seemed so impossible.
I had to give up complete control of the money and how it was spent for this to work. I asked him for enough cash to buy groceries, gas and household items. I really didn't have ANYTHING to do with the bank account and bills. I needed to get my point across. It took a month for him to get into gear. It took him 8 months to pay off the $20,000. I had to stop buying anything we didn't need. (we also were reading The Total Money Makeover, Dave Ramsey) but this was after he had most of it paid off. I started going to 2nd hand stores if we NEEDED something and I budgeted the heck out of our food bill.
It's funny but this made him act/feel like more of a man. It made me respect him more as the man. It's a sacrafice to not buy anything. But we are out of debt. Here's another funny thing, NO DEBT= Happy Wife, Husband, Children, Home. We have not had ONE SINGLE fight over money since I handed him that paper and said "I'm done"
Debt= stress and fighting
We have 5 children, one small income and now, no debt. It can be done, and you don't need debt to live.
