I love my husband, but he hasn't been to a medical doctor in almost 20 years. He is in his late 30's, but has a poor diet, smokes, and doesn't excersize. His job is very stressful, and he is a workaholic.
So my dilemma is that I have noticed he wheezes in his sleep, and it really freaks me out. He also is always complaining of stomach pain, fatigue, and just run down. I have also felt these lumps near his elbow, the left side of body and on right leg. So, yeah, I'm a little freaked. I have done everything I can do to try to get him to go to the Doctor. He doesn't even have a primary physician!
I come from a medical family, and I set a good example for our kids of the importance of going to the doctor. I try to eat healthy, drink occasionally on weekends, excersize, and get my yearly checkup.
The only thing my husband will do is take vitamins. He doesn't eat vegetables, or fruit. He has a carb/cheese diet. It's really ridiculous.
Everyone has tried to convince him, he just downright refuses.
The only thing I have done is made peace with the fact that if their is something wrong, that at some point he will hVe no choice but to go to hospital. I also know that my worry won't change his mind. Part of me wants him to just live how he wants, the other part wants to shout at him for his selfishness.
Anyone else have this dilemma?! I try to not let it affect me, but it just isn't about me or him. I just pray that one day he will wake up.
Thank you for your answers so far. I have done family interventions. Both with my mom( nurse) and his sister. He always says that if it's bad enough he will go. Well wheezing and lumps aren't bad?( what I ask him). He just dismisses it, and says he will go at some point, and never does. I've scheduled appointments, and he doesn't go.. he says he has to work and can't just take time off. It's awful.
The only thing I have done is to talk to him about our finances and life insurance and what to do if something happens to him. I told him that if he won't go for his family, then he needs to make sure we are provided for. That if he does die due to something that could have been prevented, treated or delayed- I will never forgive him. ( I know I will, but I had to say that). He knows. I just love him too much to leave him or anything. Life is short enough. I just wish this part was different.
Thank you Diane B for your heartfelt response. My husband doesn't not smoke in the house or in the cars. That's one thing he has always been responsible about. My grandfather died from lung cancer when I was 6, and so he knows that I have a huge problem with smoking. I am doing what I can do. I do have people in our neighborhood that I can count on for anything. I'm close with my neighbor who is a close friend and his family lives near us.
I would try to ask him to do it as a favor to me, to put my mind at ease and help my mental health and anxiety. I don't know if you have tried this, but it worked for me when my husband was refusing to get an MRI.
Have you told him that the chances are excellent that he will either keel over and drop dead or find himself being rushed to the ER in an ambulance?
That's what I tell my husband. He won't go to the Dr. either. JERK!! And I tell him that it's going to suck to have to raise my child alone when he's gone. I remind him how much his daughter will miss her daddy and how she will not be the same person without him.
I'm calling for an appt right now.
That kind of attitude just p!sses me off. As an adult, you are entitled to neglect your health, upkeep and maintenance. As a spouse and parent you are not. No amount of life insurance will make up for the impact a serious health concern can have on the entire family.
Best,
F. B.
Can you arrange to have lunch with him, pick him up at work and take him to the doctor instead? Obviously make an appt ahead of time. Drastic but the lumps are kind of concerning...
i convinced my hubby to go to the naturopath. and had talked to her ahead of time letting her know the situation... he thought he was going in for a massage... got a "full dr visit" and this naturopath uses accupressure, acupuncture and chiropractics to help her patients feel better in the office
Sometimes "alternative" medicine can get through to people where conventional medicine can't, and it's an approach that looks at the person as a whole instead of just treating symptoms. Many chiropractors are also naturopaths. Does he have any aches and pains that chiropractic can help? I go to a place where I'm surprised at how diverse the clientele is and there are a ton of male patients who look kind of like macho, scruffy, blue-collar guys. From what I understand, many of these guys come to the practice for injury treatment (on the job, accidents, etc.) and then slowly open themselves up to nutrition work, which may use supplements in addition to encouraging lifestyle changes to achieve better health. These are not earthy-crunchy hippie granola types like me LOL and yet, here they are, talking about inflammation and digestive health and gladular function.
Maybe can you lure him into better self care with a practice that will literally make him feel better from the get-go. Regular chiropractic visits, for me, are wonderfully relaxing and make me feel so much better, even when I'm not recovering from an acute injury. Many chiros also offer massage therapy. Perhaps you can gift him a massage and that could open the door to more self care?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I cannot tell you how many of my parents friends' husbands acted like this. Several died in their late 40's/early 50's. NONE of them had life insurance. One's husband was shot in a convenience store. NO life insurance. These women did not demand it from their husbands. They just said pretty please and woe is me and let their husbands slide.
Put legs on your prayers, M.. Tell him to either get the life insurance or GET OUT. He will be so shocked that he will sign the paperwork. Tell him that you'll change the locks - give him a deadline.
Sounds mean. Sounds childish. Sounds awful. What's more awful than this? Him dying and you and your kids living in poverty.
You can't make him go to the doctor. You CAN make him get insurance. You might pay through the nose for a smoker and his blood work will show issues. If it turns out that he is uninsurable, then you have a lot of leverage. I would have changed a lot in my life if my husband had been uninsurable back when my kids were small.
You need to push to it gives, mom. Your kids are worth it.
Just make sure you have really good life insurance on him :-(
Some men just refuse to take care of themselves, I don't understand it and I can't imagine being married to it, it's so unattractive.
It also must be hard to be married to someone who doesn't care about your feelings and concerns.
So other than having a financial plan in order I'm not sure what else you can do.
You know, my husband went all the time when he was active duty and then not for years after. When he did go, he found out he was diabetic. Thank God I got him to go!! A few weeks ago (actually the Friday before Mother's Day) he drove himself to the ER because he was having chest pains that radiated down his left arm. Last week he had a 99% blocked artery fixed.
I don't play with medical stuff. If he hasn't been in 20 years that is ridiculous and he absolutely should be at the doctor's office. I would ask him how he would feel on the other side of the fence, if you and the kids didn't go how would he feel? Do what you can to make him go...
ETA: When my husband was in the ER the doctor wanted to admit him - my husband was all ready to sign the refusal papers with the doctor and I right there basically begging him to stay the night. After I asked him what he would say if it was the kids or I laying there instead of him and he said he would want us to stay but couldn't make us, I then asked if he had enough life insurance to take care of the 4 of us for the rest of forever. I think saying that got through his head. Maybe try that with your husband?
Most insurance companies these days requires a complete blood work up and physical. How is he sliding these visits? Also most life insurance policies will require at least bloodwork.
If you would have posted this a month ago, I would have said "bah - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" and all that kind of stuff. Really, it is difficult to make an adult do something they don't want to do. And my guess is you have probably tried guilt - "go for the kids if you won't go for yourself" route and he still hasn't gone, so that probably isn't an option.
However, you asked this today, of all days. So, based on recent personal experience I have a different answer - try a family intervention. Or some other extreme method to get him checked out. I am not a person to pass along "worse case scare stories" but in the last month, two things have happened: my daughter's boyfriend's dad was feeling tired. More so than usual. He hates the doctor and his wife is one of those "go to the doctor for a paper cut" kind of people. She made him go (under serious protest - he just went to shut her up). He has leukemia. The saving grace was early intervention.
My uncle - smoker, no exercise, terrible diet, etc. started having trouble breathing a year ago. To the point where my aunt was getting worried. Discomfort at night, trouble with stairs, etc with his breathing and plus some other health issues. My uncle would not go to the doctor. She begged, threatened, cajoled, you name it. Nope. The were on vacation last weekend and he started have terrible pain and coughing blood. Came back early to finally see a doctor (in the emergency room). Its stage 4. He leaves today for cancer center of America but his prognosis is extremely poor. My aunt is devastated and part of her is angry and resentful that his refusal to go to the doctor up until now may leave her without her husband and best friend.
I know that you cannot "make" your husband go to the doctor, but honestly I would simply do everything in my power to get him there - even if it meant calling all family members to help intervene.
Best of luck - to both of you.
I'm not a big fan of the doctor either but this is over the cliff. Some people are like this and it's usually men who take this stance. I have no idea what that's about. It really is quite selfish but they don't see it that way.
I would just make sure that your debt and life insurance is under control and other than that...maybe catching him in a good place and telling him that you don't want to grow old alone...maybe in that moment he will "get it". ....other than that I have no idea. Best of luck...
Why not have the doctor come to him?
I know no one really does this anymore, but maybe some doc does? I would think a doc who works with the elderly or homeopathic or even an LPN from "visiting nurses". There has to be one that would do it at least one time.
Or you could play dirty and say you will threaten to tell HR/ healthcare insurance provider....many are getting more proactive and giving insured $$ off if they get a yearly physical, join a gym, etc.
Of course don't really lose the health insurance, but why is he paying for it if he doesn't use it?
He is a grown man.
I get his pov. I hate going to the doctor. I only go when I"m too sick or in too much pain to fix it by waiting it out or with a home remedy.
I recently had my first pap since 2007. Everything came out normal.
The only reason I had that done was that my health insurance changed and I had to choose a PCP. Before that, I went to a doc in the box when I needed medical attention. When I went to the PCP for my fibromyalgia, and he saw that I was 50 and had never had a colonosopy and hadn't had a pap in eight years, he recommended it, so I went ahead and did it. All normal.
And I smoke, love a couple of good beers after work, eat red meat, cured meats (love me some bacon), deep fried foods, processed foods, as well as so-called healthy foods. I eat what I like, when I want it, and in what I consider reasonable amounts.
My husband makes his own decisions as to when he needs to go to the doctor. Even if I think he should go, I won't nag him about it. If I notice something that seems squinky, I'll tell him, "You might want to get that looked at." and then I DROP THE SUBJECT.
Sit down with him and discuss what life insurance he has, his last wishes, where he would like his funeral held etc. Tough love. Then leave him alone. Let it sink in. The ball is then in his court. Good luck.
My husband hates going to the (nice) doctor or seeing his (lovely) dentist. He goes anyway because it makes me happy. He gets so nervous that he might hear bad news and would love to avoid thinking about it entirely. But he loves me and our kids, so he does it.
We both have life insurance, which we got after our second child was born. I was going to suggest the life insurance angle since it usually requires a physical exam, but if he won't do that either I guess the best thing is to turn your focus on preparing to be alone sooner than you'd like.
Instead of socking away money to leave him you'll be doing it for when he leaves you. You need to get your own accounts and investments. If you're not working but you're able to do so, find employment. When it comes to making family decisions going forward, look at them as if you were going to be doing it as a single. The number of kids you have, the type of house you buy, etc.
Yes, you should get life insurance on your husband right away. But it will cost you. When my husband got an individual policy right after we had our first, the insurance company sent a doctor to the house to give my husband a physical and ask him a series of health-related questions. It should come as no surprise that being a smoker will increase any life insurance premiums significantly. His other health issues will likely show making the cost of life insurance very high. Regardless, if he refuses to take care of himself, the least he could do is take care of his family after he's gone.
There's nothing you can do to help your husband if he refuses to cooperate. He's not a child and won't stick to any changes you enforce if he's not on board.
What was his life like growing up? What are his parents like?
Sometimes people have issues with "authority figures" (and doctors count as that in some ways) due to their childhood. These issues can be subtle, too.
I'd try to go deeper.
You can't control him and the more you insist the more you will drive him away.
I very much dislike mainstream health care, for several complicated reasons. If someone is browbeating me I'm going to dig my heels in even further. That being said, I do realize that I owe my family a certain level of health and fitness if it is within my grasp to maintain.
ETA: I love JB's suggestion, and that's exactly what I do for myself.
I sympathize . I also can relate as my own DH refuses to get checked out. It's detrimental, exhausting, and scary. However, I have made subtle hints, examples, bugs( in his ear) towards medical needs. So just continue to do what you can to get him there.
I remember my husband had a really bad bout of stomach pain, I for sure thought it was gallstones. He refused to go to hospital, so I made him drink some diluted apple cider vinegar and eat some apples for three days. The pain was gone, and he felt better. I just research natural remedies now when he has issues. I tell him if this works, you can stay home. If it doesn't, I'm get our son to yell at him and make him go for him. It works every time. My son is on board, as he knows better. Yeah, I play the kid card.
