Hubby and Son at Eachother's Throats Constantly!

Updated on August 31, 2011
S.B. asks from New Braunfels, TX
6 answers

I am fed up with my 3 "kids" having it out every night. DH's only responsibility with the kids is to put them to bed - 30 min chore. Every single night, it turns into a pushing, yelling, name calling event that ends up with ALL of them running to me every few minutes to tattle on the other. "DS won't listen to me!" "Daddy won't let me brush my teeth!" I am at my wit's end with this!!!

The main battle is both are tired, DH just wants them to do their routine and get in bed, but they're kids - they want to play. So he yells at them and orders them to do things. And the kids gets defiant and run off. Which sets DH off even more, and he'll grab them and drag them to their rooms. At which point they start screaming and kicking the walls and doors and coming to me to tell me that DH hurt them and he comes in and interrupts that they aren't listening to him and my heads starts to pound. This will go on for 30-40 mins until either I step in or DH yells "I quit!" and storms off.

There is a catch here. Neither of them are "normal." DH has been diagnosed with PTSD and although he is in treatment, it is still too early to expect results. He has a mindset that if he tries anything new, he will fail, so he can't try. Nothing will deter this train of thought. He is good at work, so he puts in all his effort there. This also means that he will ask me what to do about DS, I will tell him, and he won't do it. Because it's "new" and won't work. So he resorts to yelling and a battle of wills with the 6 yr old.

The 6 yr old has high functioning autism. Meaning that he has a routine and it MUST be done that way. But then DS gets HIS way and DH doesn't get HIS way and they end up fighting. I know this is a problem with DH, because on the nights he isn't here, there is not a single argument in this house and things are pleasant. But the less interaction he has with the kids, the less chances he has to practice and possibly change his ways. If I let him continue, then there's fighting every night. If I step in and do it myself, then there's no chance to improve. Rock and a hard place!!!

The MAIN reason I have not taken over this chore is because I do every single other freaking thing in this household and I NEED those 30 minutes - not for "me time", God forbid I get any of that! - but to do things that I need to concentrate on, like paying the bills and setting up DS's therapies (I do 90% of those on my own with him at home). I have no other time to do those - once the kids are in bed, DH gets whiny and upset that I don't spend time with HIM. If I have to, I will take on this chore as well, but I really wanted to see if there were any other moms who have gone through this and found a solution that works.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Wanted to add - "trading off chores" isn't an option. DH applies his "I can't do that" mindset to everything. He doesn't know how to cook so he won't try because he'll fail. Even simple tasks like sweeping up or making lunches - he will not do them. He has had PTSD for 6 years now so I have come to terms with the fact that I have to do mostly everything and he cannot be a partner at this time. All I want is for both of them to give a little bit - they know the routines, and yes, EVERYONE is grouchy at 8 PM after a long day, but there has got to be some trick or technique to get them to work together. I want to step in only as a last resort.

More Answers

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

S.,
Look at it this way: clearly this is not working and it is upsetting the entire household.

O. easy option: YOU do bedtime and trade a few other chores with your husband. I'll bet he'll take that trade.

Seriously, is him doing this O. thing SO important that its worth upsetting everyone in the house? Sounds like you're not getting your 30 minutes anyway.

Have your husband take over weekend breakfasts, so you can sleep a little bit.

Is this their father or stepfather?

2 moms found this helpful

G.T.

answers from Redding on

I think maybe giving Dad another task at other times to spend time with the kids when they arent all tired and fussy would be better and you should do the bedtime routine so everyone isn't all riled up right before bed.
If it's a fight for you to get them to bed too and that's why you've laid it on Dad, you cant begrudge him for getting PO'd either.
Maybe change the routine some? Warm bath until they are ready to get out, brush teeth in the tub so that's already over-with, jammies on, and let them pick a storybook to be read and then lights out.

T.C.

answers from Austin on

What about a checklist or picture schedule to keep them on track? Does he have a sense of humor that you can appeal to?

My husband is not very helpful at bedtime. He will start the bath all the way on hot and not come back to turn it off. Or he'll watch TV and then our son will want to watch too. One thing that works for us is for him to just leave the house. He will do the grocery shopping or go to the gym. Things are calmer so the routines go faster and I'll still have a few minutes to myself before he gets back. (They still do plenty of things together)

M.J.

answers from Dover on

Yup, the reasonable & easy solution is for you to handle bedtime. Clearly your husband isn't able to, at least not at this time. Why would you have everyone in the house, yourself included, go through torture every single night...? Have DH do the dishes & make lunches for the next day or whatever it is that you're working on while he's struggling with the kids getting to bed. Once he's having some breakthroughs with his treatment maybe you can revisit him handling bedtime with the kids, but right now, it's just not working out for you, Mama!

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A.R.

answers from Milwaukee on

I would say go for a walk at that time so the children can't come running to you as an out but you may want to be around to make sure dad doesn't hurt them when he is pulling them around.

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L.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

Whoa... this sounds rough.

Maybe you and DH could swap some things if he really can't handle bedtime. Maybe he could cook dinner or do something else so you can still get your 30 mins. I think this might be worth exploring. Maybe you could even go to your husband's therapist for assistance.

DH should really be able to understand that you need some time to yourself. Maybe you could try to "schedule" something: on Mondays, you will do bedtime, and then from 8 - 8:30p, you will do your thing. At 9p you can reconvene together and have your couple time.

This is tough... these are just a few ideas that came to my mind. I hope they might help. But if its truly that horrible for them and bedtime, you've got to make a change. Or... you just have to completely stay out of it and let them all work it out. Either way, I wish you the best.

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