How Would You Say This to a Defensive Friend?

that's a tough one. i too have no patience for people who are so involved with their smartphones they ignore people in front of their faces.
but i've actually caught myself doing it sometimes. switching off care for my terminal mom with a brother means we are constantly texting the other one with updates and questions, and i'm too paranoid to let it go.
this post is a good reminder not to let it become a habit.
the obvious answer is to have a light but honest conversation. it does get to be more of a pickle with a prickly person like this. i think i'd be opportunistic, looking for just the right opening and throwing a suggestion out there. if she's as sharp a cookie as you say, she might just get it. if not, i foresee a drift.
good luck!
khairete
S.

use humor.....the next time she's on the phone, lean over & pretend to cut with a scissors. & then say, "time to cut the umbilical cord. Let's talk!"

I'm not very confrontational, even with my friends. If she started checking her phone while I was talking, I would find it rude and just simply stop speaking. I'd actually probably text her my part of the conversation, so she gets the point but its maybe a little funny. Well, funny to me at least.

Next time you are standing there waiting to get a word in edgewise while she's glued to her phone, try texting her:

"Hel-LO!!! I'm right over HERE! YOO HOO! Larynx not working?!? LOL :-)".

If she doesn't get it after that then I'm afraid she's just not that into you.
I find it difficult to hold up one end of a friendship when the other is just not interested.
Your only option at that point is to look for new friends and let this one go.
She's largely absent as it is.

Hmmm...tough situation.
You know her better than anyone here.

I think when people get iPhones they get carried away with being "plugged in" and "connected" at all times.
It usually fades over time. So maybe give it more time maybe? But 6 months...

The friendship--Is it worth giving it more time? If not, text her after you walk away at Zumba next time, something like "call me when you're not busy with your phone!"

(Oh--it also sounds like some people need to reach around and get the stick out of their butt! But that's another topic entirely.)

Added - Btw, A., I'm glad you aren't submissive on this site to people who are nasty to you.

Original:
I couldn't be with a friend who, after spending every moment I am talking after she has had her say, gets on her phone and ignores me. It's a very selfish thing.

And why do you really want to be friends with someone who talks mean to people? I don't get it...

If you feel you MUST be friendly with her, then cursory friends, okay. Friends who you are close to, no. Do you really WANT to be with someone who thinks so much of themselves and so little of you? Why live life like this?

You don't have to "break up" with her, but you can be "too busy" to go anywhere with her. If she asks why, tell her that you are tired of being last on her priority list, with her phone even taking priority over you. If she gets defensive, for heaven's sake, walk away.

I mentioned in an earlier thread that there were worse traits in friends than tardiness. This is OH so much worse.

Dawn

I think Dawn kind of said exactly what I would have suggested.

It *is* rude to be so connected to the phone when one is out. I don't think it takes any special skills to concentrate on a conversation if you care about the person. We have a friend who texts constantly, and he's someone we don't see much because of it--he's simply not interested in extending himself beyond engaging about him.

If you do want to address it, wait for her to invite you out and then let her know what's up. "I'd love to go out with you, but not your phone. It seems that it gets more face time than I do!" Say it in a friendly, upbeat way and then, let her sit on it. If the friendship is important to her, she should 'bite' and ask a follow-up question; either 'what do you mean?' or "yeah, I know, I'm really bad about it".... something. If not, let her be huffy and pissy alone.

I say go direct, if she is a bit feisty, I think that's all she'll get. I mean yeah, she will get mad, but so what. That's friendship right? You tell the truth and your good friends stick around :) I mean I get that you are not going to tell her off or would even want to, but this right here is leading to friendship death anyway. So maybe just straight to it 'Hey, it's getting on my nerves that you are constantly on your phone when we are together. What's up with that?" See what she says. Maybe she isn't aware of how much she is on it since she puts it down some to talk and she hasn't realized that she is being so selfish, it happens. I would try to keep it to the point and void of emotion, kind of like how you told her about the critiquing thing, just fyi, this is ticking me off ALOT girl! I have had a friend mad at me before and she would never tell me why just pulled away etc, now that I didn't like. I can take someone who shoots straight and loves me enough to tell me what's up. Good luck!

I love the idea of texting her while she is in front of you. Thats just brillant to me. I am going to do that too!
I also keep my phone put away and just check it to see if my son needs me.
You can text, Oh hi I am having dinner with ......... and she is constantly on the phone. I would love to talk to her and have a converstaion like we used to. I miss her.

i would take it as a hint that she wasn't that interested in me. which it kinda is. so i would stop talking if she wasn't listening. if it continued i'd probably politely excuse myself. i mean really, don't you have better ways of spending your time than by being ignored? if she asks why you're leaving, just politely say, "oh it's fine, i can just tell you're really busy...we can catch up sometime when you are free." you can so totally be nice about it. just very matter-of-fact. that's the way she is. but i wouldn't keep hanging around waiting for her to give you thirty seconds. (PS, i love the texting her, too! or wait until she's telling a story and then do it...lol!)

I'm totally shocked you wouldn't speak up about how you feel. You've been on here a while and you don't hold back, EVER; that is not a slam, so don't take it like that!!!!

If it were a good friend of mine, I would say: "What are you in high school, put that thing away". My good friends wouldn't be offended by that at all. I of course can be much more *free* with my words to good friends.

It is soooooooooo hard keeping close friends in adulthood. This would hurt my feelings. I would not go out with her anymore for a while. When she invited me or asked of my absence--I would tell her of my hurt that she gives the phone more attention than she is giving the friendship. Good luck, I repeat--close adult friendships are soooo difficult to maintain.

I have been at lunch and have seen three people ALL texting rather than communicating... Why go out at all!!!!!!

Every time she picks up the phone, abruptly stop talking, mid sentence. Just stare at her.

When she says "what's wrong?" Simply say, "I was waiting for you to check that important text."

She'll say, "Oh, nothing's wrong, I was just looking at Facebook."

To which you should reply, "I wasn't finished telling you about _______."

Then she'll probably apologize and ask you to finish. Do so.

The next time she does it, and she will, say the EXACT same things, except after her apology say, "I accept your apology, but I need you to know that it really bothers me when you pull out your phone while we're talking. It makes me feel like you aren't listening and care more about Facebook than our friendship."

Unless she is completely selfish, she will change her ways. If she doesn't, it's time to find a new friend.

My boss is exactly the same way. I can never have a complete conversation with him because he's always texting, e-mailing, etc. on that stupid phone. I've even seen him do it in court when he has a witnesses on the witness stand! Doesn't get any worse than that!

I spoke to my hubby about it the other day and I decided that the next time he starts with the phone while I'm trying to have a business-related conversation with him, I'm just going to reach out and take the phone from him like I would a child and continue talking. He's actually quite a bit younger than me; he's only a few years older than my daughter so I DO feel comfortable doing that. It is just sooooo frustrating!

Back away from this person...she is NOT a friend...she is a liability. What's happening with you, that makes you feel like you need to be so submissive?

Personally, I would just say, "Oh, I can see you're busy now" and walk away.

Either she'll put the phone down, or you two won't have the chance to talk anymore. Which would be sad, but I predict that's what will happen.

I can not pay attention to one thing for very long, so when I am not doing anything else and just standing there or sitting there talking I HAVE to do something else with my hands. If I don't have my phone I'm fidgeting with something. Maybe your friend has this problem too. I also can't just sit there and look at someone's face , it makes me nervous because that means they are looking strait at me too. I can feel my face turning red when someone is looking at me strait in the eye, when I feel I'm the center of attention. Or maybe it's the novelty of the phone. Just say something like hey can you put ath down for a minute?

It is kinda rude IMO. But phones these days are really an addiction! People's entire life is on a little device that you throw in your pocket! I'll share something that my friends do when we go out together and it seems to work, although it's somewhat cheesy :) We meet for dinner and all of the phones go in the middle of the table, face down, on vibrate. The first person who touches their phone has to buy a round. It's kinda wierd if it's just the two of you but if you're with a group, try it!

This honestly sounds like something out of high school. Why don't you put this energy into your family, whose bond should be stronger than any. All this time worrying,writing in to this forum etc. could be time that you focus on your family.I am sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but you mention work,zumba,girls night out. When we get older, I have found, its best to have a few low maintenance friends than many high maintenance ones. We all feel bad about
friendships that decline but sadly it's a part of life. That is why I say to put this energy into your own family.