My family have informally adopted a young man who we knew from church, he was always a good boy and still is, so we had no issue allowing him to live with us, just to fill you in, he's had a difficult life and his mother although she was always a very good woman, suffered from clinical depression and a lot of responsibilities fell on him when she went through periods of inability to cope.
A few months ago his mother lost her job and he had to take on 2 more part time jobs, to help make ends meet and they had to move into a fairly unnice apartment to make ends meet, and he was working all hours to keep up with his schoolwork, part time jobs and doing the cooking and cleaning for his mother.
Quite a few of us from the church tried to help her, but she did not really accept help, always being very proud, but a few months ago, the worst situation happened and she took her own life, my family took in this young man, simply so he could maintain as much normality as he could and so he could focus on coping through the process, it was very difficult to begin with, of course it would be, but he has made a lot of progress and I would even say he is beginning to flourish and come out of himself, you can still tell that it disturbs him and he is still coping with it, but he is making very good progress.
However in a church class earlier today, (we have a morning service, then classes) one of the other young men, his age (nearly eighteen) made a comment about how suicide is sinful, and all people who commit suicide are going to hell, I don't know where he is getting that ridiculous idea, our church certainly does not teach that.
From what the teacher told me the young man started to leave the room after this boy made the attacks, just saying "you have no idea what you're talking about, idiot" and just before he left the room the other boy said "he's just mad because his mum's going to hell"
After that he lost his temper and attacked the other young man, kicking his chair from underneath him and then punching his face a number of times before being pulled away and then storming out of the room, his teacher handled it well, just taking him to get a drink of water and letting him cool off, I don't know what happened with the other young man, I know he won't be popular with the other youth after making comments like that and I think he will be in trouble with the pastor, but otherwise I don't know.
But how do you think I should approach this, on one hand having a temper is something that could serious damage his possibilities in the future and I would not want him to suffer because of that, but at the same time I want to approach it taking into account the terrible situation, he has not lost his temper with anyone before today.
Extra Notes:
The two boys have never really been enemies, bar one heated debate about Politics.
Although the other boy has bit of a reputation for making sweeping statements like this, usually though they have not been so personnal.
Thanks everyone so much for answering, it really means so much that you would put in so much effort into helping us out.
I would like to clarify our church's policy on suicide, those who are thinking about it should seek help and should think about the repercussions that it would have, but for whose who do commit suicide, thats not a sin and God is forgiving and will take all things into account, the young man who said otherwise has bit of a reputation for deciding he knows things better than anyone else, so this is not the first time he has added his own interpretation of doctrine, but it has never really been so personal before.
Firstly for those of you who were concerned about professional help, he has been seeing a psychiatrist twice a week for the last few months now, he is a fantastic doctor and has really helped him out.
Secondly as for the Pastor, he is a very good man who has also been an excellent help to my young man, his own son died two years ago from Leukemia, so he knows what its like to lose someone and has been there for him since the beginning, just from private conversations to see how everything is going to him keeping his son's trust just in case the young man needs anything in the near future.
I won't pursue the issue any further, I'm just going to be here in case he needs to talk, this is the first time he has ever lost his temper as long as I've known him and he expressed remorse for attacking the other young man, going as far as to say "I guess he was entitled to his opinion, he just really upset me"
Personally, I feel that anyone who emotionally attacks someone who is grieving, especially a kid who is grieving for a parent, needs to be punched in the face.
Poor kid. I'd find him a grief counselor to talk to. All the love and good intentions in the world are not going to be enough. He needs professional help to cope with all he's been through.
I wouldn't do anything. That kid got what he deserved. I'd let it go.
I believe that an important part of dealing with the suicide (or attempted suicide) of a loved one is learning how to handle/cope with/face the inevitable comments that one will hear after the loss. It may be a direct statement to the one who has experienced the loss, it may be a remark made in public such as that thoughtless boy made, or it may be hearing about other suicides (a friend or a public figure like Robin Williams).
It's a totally separate issue from dealing with the loss itself - the grief, the sadness, the anger, etc. At least, I think it is. I think that with suicide, you have double the sadness - the person is gone, and it was their own action that caused the loss.
I don't really think that your young man has a temper problem. He's grieving, and grieving more than the loss of someone to a terminal illness or old age. He lost his mother a couple of times - to depression, an inability to cope, and then to death. Haven't we all struck out in anger (or wanted to) upon hearing of the death of a loved one? Who hasn't kicked a chair or thrown something or punched a wall or done something in our anger and grief? Anger is a part of grieving; that's indisputable.
This boy is going through that, and then eventually he's going to have to face the fact that his mother took her own life. He may be asked, in the future, if he's going to call his mother on Mother's Day, or he may be asked where she is, or he may hear a well-intentioned discussion or a kind question or a cruel and stupid remark about mothers or suicide. And part of his healing process will be to learn a strategy for dealing with that. He may choose not to disclose some information, or he may talk about depression and mental health and seeking help, or whatever.
Perhaps your pastor could speak with the other young people, about sensitivity, grief, and how to be helpful (not just in this situation, but in the many sensitive issues they'll face as they get older). And maybe you can call the suicide hotline and ask how best to help the young man in his grief.
I would talk to your boy and just help him realize that everything he's feeling is normal. Right now, he's sad about his mom. Let that grief happen in a healthy way. When he's ready, he'll learn how to bear this burden. Love him and support him and tell him you're sorry that he heard such a hurtful thing, and just give him time. Tell him that anger is a normal part of grieving, and help him realize that situations like this may come up from time to time. It's best to walk away for now. In a year or two he may be able to discuss it or confront it, but not when the wound is so raw and his life has been so upended.
I'm sorry for his loss, and very glad that he has found a loving family like yours to help him.
Depression and mental illness tend to be genetic. This boy needs therapy. Right now.
If he's not already, this young man should be in therapy. Honestly, I don't think he should be punished for this, obviously he should have walked away, but I'm pretty sure I would have hit the other kid, too, and I'm pretty hard to anger.
Anyone who is going through what this boy has had to go through will have a tough time dealing on his own. Find him a good therapist, he'll need to deal with his grief and his feelings towards his mother and his upbringing, and a professional will be able to help him.
Sounds like the other kid needed a good beat down to me.
I hope people don't over-analyze it for the kid who was painfully insulted at a very volatile time.
No, it's not OK to hit people.
But it's really not OK to make hurtful, hateful, awful, judgmental attacks against the lost loved ones of a hurting friend.
This is why religion stinks. Your church may not teach that people who commit suicide are going to hell, but the bible unfortunately does and lots of worthless zealots love to quote certain scriptures (and not the ones that are inconvenient to them). That kid learned a lesson that the church wasn't teaching him-that cruelty is often met with physical pain. And I'd tell that kid and his parents both what a little creep he is. OK that's not church-ish. I'd tell them that your foster son forgives him for the awful, hurtful comment. The kid can forgive him for the beat down or not.
I'm sure the pastor will handle it diplomatically. Comfort your foster son unconditionally. That's my advice.
The boy was defending the memory of his mother.
I would hope the other kids remarks didn't go over well.
He was rude, self righteous and I sensitive. I would have knocked him off his chair too, if I was there. Sheesh.
Tell your boy that you're sorry for the insensitive slobs on the world that live to spew hatred and ignorance. But unfortunately, there's always plenty of them around. Too bad it was in church.
God knows his others heart.
My God is a loving, forgiving god, how about yours? 😊
what a tough situation. certainly anyone can understand why he lost it, the other boy was being utterly horrid. but that reaction is over the top and can't be permitted to pass.
has he been to a therapist? i know it's a pretty standard response here, and not everyone needs therapy to cope with terrible losses, but it seems clear that this young man has a lot of unexpressed grief and fury that needs an outlet.
the other boy may well be in trouble with the pastor, but yours could be in trouble with the law. i hope not. but you do need to impress on yours that the legal repercussions would far outweigh any momentary satisfaction he can get from pummeling a Mean Boy.
you've done so much already. take it a step further and get him into counseling.
ETA- doh! just read your SWH and see you're already there. well, then i'd simply have frank, loving discussions with him as he permits, and be there as support and sounding board. i'm so glad you're there for him.
khairete
S.
S.
The boy that said these remarks was hurtful and insensitive and should seriously go back and get a lesson in empathy and manners. There is NO excuse to be that rude.
In defense of the young man living in your home, he DID try to remove himself from the situation first. That being said, the boy's next remark was highly uncalled for and hurtful. I think that many reasonable people would have lost their temper in that situation. This young man has been through so much and has dealt with a level of stress that many adults cannot handle. I think you talk to him and let him know that you get why he lost his temper. However, he does need to be more mindful of his own behavior. I would not punish him giving the extenuating circumstances of this fight. In fact, I would take the other boy's behavior up with his parents and the pastor.
I'd have him express his feelings. Ask if he has been able to process and find ways to cope with the loss of his mom. Have you taken him to a counselor? That would be my first step.
Any person would lose it like that if someone made such an offhand remark. I get it all the time from people who find my brother being gay a terrible sin, and that he is going to hell. I don't attack anyone, but I do stick up for myself. It's important for this young man to be able to be supportive, safe, and confident in himself.
I am a Christian and am trying to raise Christian kids. That being said, if this were me, I would tell him, it wasn't right to hit him but I understand why you did it. I would let the other boys parents and the pastor/youth leader deal with him. Good luck.
What an awful thing for this young man to say at such a sensitive time and subject.
If it were me, I would probably approach it with as much love as possible and explain that you cannot explode because it is unacceptable behavior, although it is completely understandable. With that, there will be more judgmental people he will encounter in his life, because that is the way people are and from time to time, we all judge.
With that, I would explain that with everything he has been through and that we have no control over what others say or do, that you are going to find him some counseling to help him through these times. Explain, this is not his fault and he is not in trouble.
And that ought to teach that big mouth to not open it again!
My heart just hurts for your dear boy!!! I'm so glad he has your family and your pastor to love, support and guide him.
I don't have any advice to give. I just want to say that I am so happy that this kid has people like you in his life. He's going to make it and not fall through the cracks like so many do. People like you restore my faith in humanity.
That outburst was warranted. Most of us would like to be level headed but I am not sure if a lot of us would act any differently.
He is a stellar young man. Saying what he said to you as he expressed his remorse is way way better than my, "You can't fix stupid!"
((((HUGS))))
