How Would You Handle This? - Decorah,IA

Have you thought about moving him to an online high school?

That's what my parents did when I was a teen and I went from Ds and Fs to As and Bs

What does he want for his future? What are his goals? Does he plan to attebd college?

You can not motivate a child, who has no motivation. That's the truth, sitting in class, driving him to school, will not make a hill of beans unless you plan to follow him around for the rest of your lives.

Yeah, I've been there. What did we end up doing in the end. Letting her drop out and get her GED. Before that happened she had one of two choices...get a job and start paying rent, or attend college. If neither were up her alley, she would have to move out. Period.

So what happened, she took the GED and scored high enough to enter any 4 year university. The examiner looked at her and said "I see why you hated school so much, you had to be bored". Now this wasn't a new thought to me, I'd thought it myself. Of course when I mentioned it to her "I didn't know what I was talking about." Of course not, why would I? I am just mom after all :)

She choose college, she loved college. Different atmosphere, different way of learning, she excelled there where she failed miserable in high school. She's now a pretty self motivated young lady. Works, goes to school and getting ready to move out.

The thing I had to let go of was how I approached her education. My other kids weren't this way. Then attended high school, enjoyed it and did it the traditional way. The way we are conditioned to believe it should be done. That was hard to let go of, but looking back I would do it all over again. I know she would not be where she is at today if I hadn't pushed my ideas aside.

Now I'm not saying this will work for your son, but we had a lot of heart felt conversations before we did what we did. We let her help decide her future, maybe you could try bringing your son more on board and figure out exactly what it is about schooling that he just doesn't want to be there.

You've got a real problem on your hands and it sounds like you know that. I've got 2 sons - 18 and 15 - and you reach a point with young men where you can no longer control what they do or don't do. I've never had this particular problem with my two (thankfully) but if I did I think I'd let them reap the consequences of their actions.

I would check with the law to see how long I have to support them in my home when they're not in school (it won't be long before he figures out how long he legally has to stay in school). I'd let him know - in as loving a way as possible - that grown people are not allowed to sit around doing nothing all day.

What is the main problem with school? Is there any chance he'd finish if he could homeschool? Is there any "carrot" you could dangle out in front of him to get him across the finish line, even if it's early?

Good job setting the boundary on the driving. But is your husband aware how much legal trouble your son could get in by driving without a license?

Is there any way you can quit your job, and send your husband to work 2 jobs - so that you literally be with this kid day and night? On a side note, it's a shame that husband won't step in more. Boys this age really need their dads. The bottom line is somebody needs to make this a top priority.

I would look at family counseling, too, to figure out how to deal with this in a way that doesn't get everyone scared and angry.

In a nutshell I'd look at all the legal options and ramifications of what he's doing and you're doing (each state varies - I would try to find a good attorney licensed in your state). When can he leave school legally? How long do you have to support him (18?). Can he finish school online? Can he get a job and be productive somewhere?

I'm sorry you're going through this and I pray it gets better for all of you soon.

I think Hazel is on the right track: At this point, you have understandably lost all trust in your husband and your son too. Try family counseling for all of you, and do it immediately, I think.

Your son needs counseling to dig into why, when school could be relatively doable for him, he is so resistant to it. He needs to explore (with someone who is experienced in counseling unmotivated teens) what he does and doesn't want for his life. Your husband needs counseling to explore why he (husband) is willing to stand back like a spectator while you do the harder side of the job that is parenting, and why husband is willing to undermine your discipline. You need counseling too, to find out why you can't get your son's attention and connect with your husband so that, as the two adults here, you are on the same page.

A third party can sometimes bring out things and point out things that we just can't see ourselves, or can give a wake-up call to kids who only hear mom and dad's words like they're hearing the parents on the old Charlie Brown cartoons -- remember those? The kids spoke, but the adult voices were always a meaningles "Blah blah blah" to the kids' ears. Your son may need to hear from someone who is not you, your husband, or someone associated with school. It's all "blah blah" to him right now.

Please update. I can totally see why you are livid. I admire you for posting here rather than sharpening up the kitchen knives for husband in particular. Yikes, what a letdown. If you didn't have him on board from the start with the whole regime for your son -- that was part of the problem with communication from your side, perhaps, but he has really not made an effort to get on board. Please seek some help and let us know how it goes.

Your husband is not backing you up and he's allowing your son to slide.
Son is playing both sides against the middle.
I'm not sure what either of them think is going to happen the next few years.
Is Dad expecting child to live at home and goof off forever?
Is son expecting to slack off at home and do nothing and be supported forever?
There's not much you can do if Dad won't grow a back bone.
Except leave.
I really would not be happy trying to raise a family like this.
I would be in a constant worry and it would be horrible to watch them throw away their future.
I'm not sure I could stay where my efforts and wishes were disrespected and ignored.
You work to support this family and this is the thanks you get?
Get some marriage and family counseling.
It will help you figure out if things can be resolved or if you need to separate and leave Dad and the kids to find their own way.

First. You need to change the password on your email so he can't access it. He is deleting things that are meant for you. Thats not okay.

Second. You and your husband need to get on the same page with about your son. If he can't uphold the deal of your son being grounded, and is letting your son go and do things while your gone at work, then it's no wonder you are having problems. You need to sit down with your husband and have a real talk about this. HE needs to enforce the rules while you are gone. He needs to be on board.

How long has his grades been going on? Maybe there is a bigger issue at hand that you are not aware of. I'm not sure. And I'm sorry I dont have much advice. BUT. You and your husband NEED to be on the same page. Then, you can start to dive into how to fix the rest. Together.

Good luck!

Well, I think you can go two ways. First off, you need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart. Discipline won't work if he wont' stand beside you and support you. It sounds like he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and he just wants to be the "good guy" dad. He really may not truly understand what is going on for whatever reason...

Secondly, I think that maybe you need to take some time off of work and devote it to your son. I mean going to school with him, driving him there, sitting in classes with him, driving him home, making sure he is doing his homework. I know that this will be very difficult financially, but it still might be the best thing to do for him. He is in serious trouble and isn't going to graduate if he doesn't get his act together. (this tough love approach is one that teens hate, but it can get results!).

I would go to classes with him at least once and then let him earn the privilege of going to school without you. I would still drop him off and pick him up. I would also let him know that you have changed all the passwords on your mail, etc. and that he cannot do it anymore.

Good luck, I feel for you and I am sorry that this is happening, but remember, you are mom and you can kick butt when you need to!

Unfortunately, by the time they are 16, you can't make them do anything. All you can do is state your wishes and expectations and pray alot. Maybe it would help if you and husband agreed on Ty's consequences, or maybe not. Teens have a mind of their own.

The book, "How to Talk so Teens will listen and listen so teens will talk" by Faber and Mazlish helped me to communicate to mine in the clearest possible way. I also learned that the less we talk, the more teens hear.

A 16 yo is essentially grown, meaning your ability to change their behavior and ideas is limited. With my teens, I've learned to state my own boundaries. Instead of saying they can't get their drivers license until ____, I tell them I'll pay for their car insurance when they can get the "good student discount" and work to share in the costs.

If it's any comfort, my former 16 yo unmotivated student is now an 18 yo in college getting good grades and taking responsibility for his finances and future. I wish I could take credit but the change is more a result of me letting go so he could figure out what he wanted for himself. It's scary to do this and there are no guarantees they will choose well. But it's the only way for them to grow up. Good luck with yours.

I'd be livid too. It sounds, though, like you made a punishment without getting your husband on board first, and that there's a communication issue.

I would seriously be thinking of family counseling if you are at the point you are with your son. Taking everything in the world he loves away isn't affecting his behavior. Why is that? What's really behind this lack of effort?

You could go the 'well, I'll let you at it' route, let him fail and tell him to get a job. Take care of your computers and make them inaccessible to him, password-wise. It's not that hard to fix.

If it were me, I'd talk to the school counselor and see what they suggest. I do agree, your husband really goofed on this one. Your son, too, should have a punishment for driving without a learners permit. But you and your husband need to see eye to eye on what the consequences are first; and if that's a hard one, like I suggested, a family counselor may be in order.

Your husband needs to go to family counseling. MAKE him go. Your son has learned that he doesn't have to work because he realizes that his father doesn't care if he does.

Your son needs to go get a job at MacDonald's and work 60 hours a week. He needs to pay rent. He needs to walk to a bus stop so that he can get to work.

Open a joint bank account for him in YOUR name and his (not your husband's). When he gets his MacDonald's job, fill out the paperwork with him that direct deposits his checks into the bank account. Set up for monthly rent to be directly debited out of his bank account into your OWN bank account. Every step of the way, teach him how to deal with a bank account. With every single "growing up" phase, teach him how to deal with it. He wants a car? Require of him to save up for it. Don't give him any money. He isn't allowed to own one on his own until he's 18. Don't give in and do it for him now. If he has to "save" for it, he will understand how hard he has to work for it. He may get sick and tired of doing all the work and go back to school instead. Plus, if YOU buy him a car, he may not want to pay you back for it.

After he is sick of doing this stuff, then he needs to get his GED. Only after he does this because he WANTS to, should you offer to pay for him to go to college.

When he finds out how hard work is without a high school degree, he will grow up some. If he hasn't figured it out by the time he's 18, require for him to move out of the house.

Dawn

The only thing I can think of is this. I don't mean it sarcastically but my hubby said it to me today so it's on my mind.

So, what you're doing and have "been" doing for a while is working SOOOOO well....they why are you STILL doing it?

It's not working, he doesn't care, he is not responding to what you're doing, so it's ineffective.

You need to put him in some place like a boot camp for kids or some sort of inpatient kids school program where he'll have no outside influences.

Some friends of mine sent one of their kids to Provo Canyon School for their behaviors. They said she came home a different person. I didn't know her well, she was almost an adult when I met them and she was away at school.

I think you might want to call your insurance provider and find out if there are any programs like this where your child can go for a few months up to a year or so and make changes in him because if you don't fix this now he's going to be dropping out completely within the year and he'll be gone, staying with this friend or that and you won't have any sort of relationship with him at all. Maybe even forever.

We sent my daughter to the American Legion School up in northern Oklahoma. It's closed now but the kids could not leave until they had successfully completed at least one semester of school with a passing grade. It took my daughter about 8 months to pass a semester.

"Hi Son, I know you hate school, so if you want to drop out, you'll have to get a job since you will need to start saving up so you can support yourself. We are your parents and we love you, but we are raising our children to be adults, and you will be an adult in 2 years. If you are not in school, making good progress torwards completion, than you need to join the workforce. Would you like me to drive you to Burger King so you can get an application, or should we first go pick up a bus pass so you can get to your new job?"

That's the approach I would take.

Well it looks like punitive parenting is not working for you and your husband is not on board with it anyway. I think it may be time to try just talking to your son and let him take ownership of his actions. The consequence of failing four classes is NOT losing driving or tech privileges. The consequence is having to repeat the year of school. Talk to him about what he needs (both from you and from himself) to succeed. What does he want to do after high school? What does he need to do now so he can reach his goals. If he has no goals it is probably time to sit down with a counselor and explore some options.

Have you considered that your husband may not back up your punishment approach because he doesn't agree with it?

Is there a vocational high school your son could go to. That is what my boys did. 1/2 vocational and 1/2 regular school. It was a blessing. Not everyone is meant to go to college. Sounds like he needs to be successful at something. I would look into that. My kids are very successful ,one NyC firefighter the other has his own trucking business. They both also do oil burner work, installing, repairing and anything else that burners need.

I would put all of this in your husband's hands since he is the one that is there more (if I read correctly). Then I would let nature takes it's course. Tough love.

This is not an issue with your son, this is an issue between you and your husband that is now impacting your son. Of course he would break his grounding if allowed to.

These kinds of questions baffle me and I have no idea how I would handle them (will handle them when it's time). But, I will say, my older brother was very similar. He is incredibly smart. One of the smartest people I know. But he hated high school, never went, was put in continuation, then dropped out. He moved out at 18, got his GED, did a little community college, then happened into an industry in which he was very successful. He started his own business in this same industry and has continued to be incredibly successful.

School isn't the end all for every person. But your son needs to know that if he puts in no effort, there's no reason for you get him his license, allow him to drive a car, etc. If he wants to be independent from the rules, he can be independent of your financial support too. I would make this very matter of fact. Tell him you've tried punishment and that doesn't work, so he's grown up enough to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences of those actions.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband.

I think your REAL problem here is your husband and lack of a parental front... I'd encourage you to seek couple and family counseling NOW, you don't have a lot of time left to parent your child....

I agree with the others who recommended couples counseling, you need to start there. I know one thing that my husband does that drives me crazy is set consequences for the kids that he doesn't have to enforce. He travels for work, most of the day to day childcare is on me. He will ground the kids from something with no thought to how that will affect me and my schedule then I am left to enforce it (which I do of course because we are a united front). He finally wised up when I turned the tables on him and gave a punishment that would require him missing an archery shoot he wanted to attend, now he is better about agreeing on punishments/consequences with me before giving them to the kids. It could be that because you do it all your husband doesn't feel invested; if the two of you come up with consequences and a plan of action together maybe he will be more likely to enforce it.

And the stuff your son said to you with hubby right there? Hubby owes you an apology asap. NO ONE talks to MY husband like that, not even his kids, and they know that because I will not allow them to get away with it and vice versa.