So I am with someone & we both have 1 kid each from previous marriage along with 1 toddler together. Our 2 older kids are same age, 5 weeks apart, a boy & girl. So here is my issue. They both are 7 almost 8. Both in 2nd grade. For my son 5th birthday I got him used playstation 2 and games. His daughter was never interested in playing games. A few months later she wanted a game station as well. Her dad had just purchased a used but basically brand new xbox 360, it has wireless remote control. She never wants to play unless my son is here and playing his. We have my son during week and every other weekend. We have his daughter every weekend. Days when its just her she not ask at all or even seems interested at all. Well he gives her the xbox 360 cuz he says "its not fair that he has game system in his room and she does not". It was few months from Xmas, I asked him to wait and give it to her as gift due to that's how my son got his, his response nope its not fair so he gave it to her. My son has struggled with school, reading, and she has always done very well, above average. Well his school offered tutoring in 1st grade. 5 weeks, for 1 hour every day after school. They test him at start and end. If kids tested well they got ipod touches. He worked hard and studied and got it. Her dad gave his daughter one with having to do nothing cuz its not fair he got one. He said she does well in school so that's good enough. He had got remote control helicopters and told kids after they earned them, good manners and such, he would give them 1. My son worked hard to earn, his daughter came over and he gave hers to her with out earning it due to its not fair he gets his and she has to watch him play his. We are getting the boys bunk beds with our taxes. She has nice bed. Our boys share a room and right now my youngest is in toddler's bed. But room not big enough for 2 beds and still have room to play. We have our son 100% and my older son most of time. He has his daughter 8 days a month. Yet he wants to get her bunk bed for no other reason then, its not fair to her. So am I being to sensitive? The ipod ......do you think its "fair" if one child really has to.struggle and work extra hard and school gives him for hard work, and other kid has always done well and has always read above average to give her one as well?
Thanks for all your advise! So just go give more info. The playstation was my Fiance. He had it in living room. My son always asked to play, however since it was in living room my fiance would say no most of time. So I said I was going to purchase him a used playstation for his room for his b-day. Since his daughter and my sons b day are 5 weeks apart he could of choose to give it to her, but since she Never asked to play ever, He, her dad made decision not to give her a playstation, even though my son was getting one. Since he gave it to me, he asked I spend the money I would have spent on items on his truck, I did. It was not till later she wanted to play due to my son having one in his room, so he gave her the basically brand new system, due to not being fair. I dont care she has it, however he had chance to make it fair, he choose not to at time, now my problem was my son got it as a huge gift for bday, and she got hers handed to her just cuz not fair. Ipod touch I should have said came from private tutoring place outside of school. Since my son struggled and was behind in reading, I signed him up. It was held at school but was done by outside place. Also any kid in the school had the option of signing up. I made sure I signed him up not for rewards, for the help, and it was hard. He had to be at school 1 hr and 15 min after school, not miss 1 day of tutuoring, it was 5 weeks long, 5 days a week. He was tested at start and end. If he meet all this, this tutoring co gave them ipods. So he really worked hard. The remote control helicopters, my fiance came up with the idea himself. He got them for himself originally however the kids loved them. So he came up with idea if the kids did 5 days of earning it with good behavior. My son for 2 weeks worked hard to earn his. His daughter went on vacation with her mom so missed a weekend, so by time she came back my son had earned his that day. Her dad had told her rules same time as my son, however she did not do anything to earn hers, and same night he gave her helicopter to her, she did exactly what we were trying to get kids not to do, and he still gave it to her cuz its not fair to see my son who earned it fly his and she not get hers. The bunk beds we need for our boys due to we cant fit 2 beds in there room & still give them floor room to play on, and we Cant really afford to get her a new bed just cuz she wants one. She gets room all to herself, & boys have to share a room. ONLY reason boys are getting bunk bed is cuz they have to share room and due to that 2 beds in 1 room dont fit unless bunk bed, not enough room. She has very nice bed right now, newer bedding. Its also a trundle bed, so there is another bed under hers thats pulls out if she has sleep over, she does have 2nd bed. I did tell her dad that we could get her a new mattress, hers is few years old, and new bedding, but to purchase a bunk bed just to make it fair when we dont have the money to do it seems crazy to me. I could use that money on clothes for kids that are needed. Also I have tried to talk to him peacefully and no way to do it, he immediatly gets angry. Thanks for advise, I will call counselor.
As for getting her half custody, we cant. She does to school, and we live in different town about 40 min away one way, and my son is here during school week and getting on bus same time. As far as her dad taking her, he has to be at work at 3am, so He cant take her. So thats why we get her every weekend. Her mom lives with her parents so they help get her off to school and off the bus at end of day.
in my opinion you can't give something to a kid just becuase "its not fair". Life is not fair, and everyone cant have everything. I think it would be best to set up a goal for her too....just saying. She can achieve higher goals
I think he's trying to compensate her for not being there as much. He needs to stop spoiling her. The kids need to have things they like. If they want to have those consoles in their room then they keep them in there.
I have a stepdaughter and one thing I've learned is you NEVER tell a father how to raise a daughter that didn't come out of YOU. They hate that and it starts too many fights. If he wants to give HIS daughter something, that's HIS right. Just because your son isn't as good at things as she is doesn't mean he can't give her whatever he wants to. But I would ask him "Not fair WHY?"
Blending families is really hard.
It's my bet that your husband is trying to make HIMSELF feel better by making things "fair" because his daughter isn't with him as much as your son and your child together.
I went through this with my husband and his son from his first marriage. Sadly, it resulted in his son being a complete brat who demanded things and wouldn't help with chores, etc, the way my daughter was expected to do.
I took the focus off of the comparisons as far as my daughter was concerned and let her know that there will always be kids who get things without having to earn them or whatever. But, I loved her and it didn't matter. She still had to do the right thing and I would do the right thing by her.
My daughter got good grades. My step son didn't. My daughter was polite and had exemplory behavior. My step son didn't.
I tried telling my husband that letting his son have whatever he wanted whenever he wanted was actually the least "fair" thing he could do for the kid, but he just accused me of not loving his son.
Some battles aren't worth fighting.
My marriage didn't survive and I certainly don't blame it on my step son, but I just had to be the level headed one when it came to the kids. We shared a child as well and it's funny, my husband didn't cave to his every whim.
My husband had a guilt complex and he thought he could "gift" or buy his way out of it. It doesn't work that way.
Your son isn't being harmed by earning the things he gets. It's the one who gets things without earning them that will have a harder time in this life, but you likely will never convince your husband of that until something happens to where he has no choice but to see it for himself.
My stepson believe the world owed him whatever he wanted and it backfired in a big way, especially as he got older. That's an issue your husband will deal with. Or not.
Don't let it become a competition.
Don't let your son think that he's being shorted somehow, because he's not. It may seem that way, but in the long run, your son will know the pride of earning things.
Just my opinion.
I see nothing wrong with giving her gifts for doing well also even if it comes more naturally but that should be the least of your concern. Wanting to give a kid bunk bed just because the others have it is the problem. The bunk bed is functional for the boys. He probably feels guilty that he only gets to see his daughter 8 days out of the month and thinks he is fixing the problem by getting equal gifts. Sounds like your family could use counseling to help blend the family better.
all i can say is the kids have way too much expensive stuff at such young ages
Ditto MamaLucky, word for word. His kid, his rules. Plus, she's only with you 8 days a month?
When your child(ren) want to know why SHE gets such and such and THEY don't, just say she's a different kid, shrug it off. Plus, she's more like COMPANY in your house if she's there so little, don't you generally treat company differently?
When they get a little older you can explain more thoroughly.
He's doing what he thinks he needs to do to keep his kid close. The more you fight it, the bigger the wedge between you will get. Frankly, I wish MY ex would make a greater effort to 'spoil' his kids a little more, since they are only visitors in his house. THey they might actually WANT to go!
That blended family thing is tricky, isn't it?
Sending you strength and understanding!
:)
I am really confused, a couple months ago you asked about getting child support but you still live with him, you have a relationship with him. Is this about him being able to buy what he wants and you have no control over it?
Other than the bunk beds, which I agree is silly for one kid, nothing he bought was unfair to your son.
I think you guys need to sit down and work out a budget. That way you have more control over the spending which it sounds like you don't right now. Just don't make it about the kids.
He sounds like a Disney World dad.
He is most likely motivated by guilt.
Yours sounds like a very complex situation with several blending which sound still to blend. You're not her stepmom...you're her dad's girlfriend.....makes it very difficult....sorry.
Best case scenario for blended families--all kids/parents/etc. are on the same page as far as gifts/rewards/etc. Can you ALL do that?
I do have a hard time rewarding for learning...but if it's motivating him, I can understand
Best to you.
You both obviously have very different parenting styles and he is very territorial about what his daughter has/doesn't have.
They are only 7. If you stay with him, you are going to be dealing with things like this and perhaps much more intense over the next decade.
I suggest you both make a list very quickly of ways of how you want to raise the children together regarding possessions, discipline and all this "unfairness", and find a way to get on the same page, or else you both will lose control of the kids too early and put more stress and strain on your relationship than you have now.
No, it isn't fair that your kid has to work hard for everything and his kid gets everything handed to her. But then, you picked the guy...you need to learn to live w/what comes w/having a relationship w/him.
Well, I think it is a horrible incentive to give kids rewards for learning. Especially tech rewards that encourage them to spend their time in front of screens instead of in active creative play. It also prevents them from developing an internal motivation to learn - kids should learn because it is inherently rewarding - they can master numbers which are incredibly useful. They can master reading and a whole world opens up to them.
That said - yes I think they should both get the same/equivalent toys. I don't think a child should be rewarded (actually at all) because things are difficult for them. I certainly don't think a child should be punished because things come easily to them - that would be very discouraging.
A bunk bed does seem silly - a loft makes more sense (the upper bunk bed with space underneath). That frees up lots of floor space for either a desk or play space underneath and she still gets to have the fun of an upper bed.
First of all, is this a PUBLIC school giving out ipod touches? Wow, that sure would motivate my kids!!!
Secondly, I'm sorry but it IS his daughter and if she is a good kid and a good student why shouldn't he reward her? I'm not saying he should spoil her or indulge her every whim, but honestly what's the problem? Is there not enough money left over to take care of your toddler?
My own son gives me no grief, no back talk, no real problems, he's a good boy and a good student, so yes, I am inclined to be more giving where he is concerned, and yet my husband tells me I'm too "soft" on him, however he "caves" where our girls are concerned, even though their behavior doesn't always merit it, and it drives me crazy!
Dads want to give their girls "everything" and as someone without a father I have to say that's not always a bad thing. My girls will not be "settling" for the first guy who comes along, that's for sure, again that's not necessarily a bad thing :)
Oy, tough situation and I am not at a place where I'm dealing with the same issues, but I'll give you an opinion. It sort of sounds like he's dealing with some guilt issues not being with his daughter more. I have to be honest, I don't think it's unreasonable that kids should have to work to earn some of the "niceties" so I'd agree with you. However, I can understand him wanting to make your home a fun place to be so she wants to be there and it eases some of the guilt he's feeling (I'm guessin!). I think it would be really great if y'all could sit down, NOT in the heat of the moment or while there is an "issue at hand", to discuss your parenting styles and come to an agreement. If necessary, possible, have a third party sort of mediate. Do you have a pastor or someone you trust that you can both be honest and talk through some of these issues? Hang in there! It's a tough situation. Communication is probably key and supporting each other in the sense that you're coming from completely different sides of the fence...your son's with y'all most of the time and his daughter is not.
I will only comment on the ipod touch situation.
My brother always struggled in school and in his behavior in general. I was always "the good kid." I didn't have to work very hard in school, I was the easy child to handle. As we grew up, more and more I saw my brother getting extra "stuff" or extra attention and energy from my mom (my dad worked a lot - was rarely home). Part of me understood, he needed the extra attention. But a bigger part of me was hurt.
It wasn't fair to me as the "good kid" to not get the same level of attention and energy simply because I didn't "need" it to function - I still needed it as her child.
Now, that said, your SO needs to learn the difference between "equal" and "fair." If the requirements for the ipod were laid out clearly in the beginning and one child acheived it and the other didn't, then that's not "fair" to the child that worked hard, though it may be equal.
Every time he claims something isn't "fair," put that to him - is it not "fair" or not "equal?"
Well. I went to school when there were no incentives LIKE IPOD TOUCHES to do what you needed to do in school, because learning is it's own reward. Geesh. I feel like all these kids are getting too much stuff whether they earn it or not. But that's neither here nor there...
Life is not always fair. Period. No matter how people try to spin it. It sounds like your man has a different parenting style than you. It will probably be easier to accept that he's more about making sure his daughter never does without what other people have, and you're more about rewards, than to try to change him. So far, your son doesn't seem to mind, and is generous, so I wouldn't worry about problems it may cause until the time comes. So far it sounds like you are the one worrying his daughter gets too much, and that could cause unnecessary problems in your relationship, so pick your battles. If it comes down to you feeling like he needs to instill different values in his child than he is, it's tough, since you aren't her mom, and she's only there sometimes.
Well, there are 2 parts to this question. First of all, eventually kids have to learn that life just isn't always fair. I think I say that to my kids at least once a day. That being said, I don't think it is fair to give kids an ipod touch at school unless the entire student body, including those doing well, have a chance to earn one. Otherwise it is penalizing those that do well to start with. All students should therefore have some incentive to earn one or no one gets one (and lean towards no one gets one). I realize that your step daughter doesn't go to the same school, but I understand why he would reward her for doing well by buying one for her if your son got one. Otherwise why should she do well and be above average. Hopefully he told her why he was buying one for her. As for the playstation, my daughter wanted a 3DS for Christmas. My nephew was also getting one. Even though my son had displayed little interest in a 3DS, I knew that as soon as he saw my daughter and my nephew with one he would want one too, and he would drive her nuts begging to play hers. So I got him one. Does he play it much? Not unless she is playing hers. But I figure in the future he will want to play with it more. That is just me thinking ahead after dealing with lots of sibling rivalry. I don't think getting each bunk beds makes any sense. She can take a turn sleeping in your son's bunk bed if she really wants to. Some things you just have to draw the line on and falls into life isn't fair or equal category. I don't always equal every thing out between my kids because they each have different needs.
I am guessing that there is more going on here though. Your husband only sees his daughter 8 days a month. It stands to reason that he may be trying to make up for absence in her life with expensive gifts and by trying to have as little conflict as possible when she visits. Maybe he feels like giving her the same gifts will make her feel more a part of the family. That is something you will have to examine with him.
I am in a similar boat.
I read the responses below & after going through some things of my own
in regards to this issue, I say:
Let him do what he wants w/his daughter.
He may be feeling some guilt
My husb does not see his one-sidedness in regards to how he treats his dtr vs our child together.
After a tough few weeks I've seen that things are not going to change.
No amount of talking, no amount of counseling.
He is protective of his dtr & I am protective of my son (our child together)
I think I would just let him buy what he wants for his daughter & you provide for you son what you see fit.
In regards to the child you have together, it's a stickier situation but I think you should be able to do what you see fit.
Don't make a big deal out of it, don't fight about it, don't worry about trying to change his mind in regards to his daughter.
Just let him raise his dtr as he sees fit. It's his responsibilty.
Just as it is w/your son from a prev relationship.
The child you have together is a bit differet but I think you should still be able to do what you see is fair w/o trying to cause an uproar or doing things "just because".
My husb spoils his child but is more stingy or unfair w/our child together.
I've realized I will just need to provide for my child as I see fit trying to stay w/i the confines of our marriage.
I wish you the best of luck in trying to deal w/all of these issues that are bound to arise as you try to be fair & keep the peace. Hang in there! :)
I don't have a blended family, so I don't think I have this unique perspective on things. MamaLucky and Theresa N gave great answers. I agree with them. His child, his rules.
Plus, my 5 yo is very smart and always does well in school, I have felt upset when I thought her teacher was giving extra prizes and incentives to kids who were struggling, when they finally got something, whereas my little girl who knew the answers from the start, then got nothing. This really hurt her feelings.
I had a talk with the teacher about it.
Just saying, there's another side to the story here.
Try and support each other about both of the kids, and not fight. Good luck!
there's nothing more destructive to a family than the parents warring over parenting styles. doesn't matter what's 'fair' or who got what or who's got the better kid.
the two of you should go to counseling today and figure out how to compromise to accommodate both of your approaches.
khairete
S.
That's tough, but imo no its not right she gets everything just because. You need to have a talk with your husband about treating every child equal regardless of when they are there. Your son is trying and needs to be praised for it. School is hard for some and he is working. Im afraid as they get older it will cause animosity between them. Plus. , its not right and your kids can end up resenting him and you may her. Its human nature! Talk to him and make sure he sees it from your point of view and hopefully it will help. If it doesn't maybe a family counselor could help? Good luck mama!
That is really messed up, it sounds like your husband is trying to 1. buy his daughter's love, and 2. go out of his way to prove to her that he does not in any way prefer his step-son to her. I wish I knew what to tell you, but this is a sticky situation that I have never been in so all I'll say is good luck!
I'm sorry, but this is kind of weird. I have an ex and so does my husband. If they buy the kids anything, it stays at THEIR homes. What we buy our kids stay at OUR home. Our ex's do not buy anything for our kids in our home, that is our responsiblility. So just because your ex wants to buy his daughter stuff for YOUR house does not mean you have to accept it. It really is as simple as that. Your house, your rules. Put an end to it right now. Good luck.
As for the ipod touch, my brother always had a harder time in school and had to work harder, my parents made a reward chart on grades to earn a prize one year. He got a point for an 80 or above and I got a point for a 90 or above. They wanted us to bother try harder and they knew I could get an 80 in my sleep. I agree she should have the same chance of earning something for grades even though it comes easily, J. maybe next time set a standard for her and have her work as well. As for the game systems, I don't see a big issue. The bunk beds seem unfair bc shed have a whole level J. for play and already has her own room when shes only there 8 days a month and they have to share. It would only be fair if your younger son spent time in each room. That seems to make no sense, but then again look atit from his little girls persepective. She has to share her daddy all month with your son and he gets all of the rewards of having her dad around. I'm sure she misses him and he feels guilt for not seeing her much. Why not try and get joint custody instead of feeling guilty though?
My kids are close in age, so we try to buy things in multiples so they don't fight, but that being said if a child works hard to earn something or buy it with their money then I don't go out and get the others the same thing or something close.
Then again - I don't agree with game systems or computers being in a childs room... they are somewhere where we as parents can keep an eye on the use of them. Which would have stopped the it's not fair with the game systems.
As for the bunck beds... I have one set for my boys that share a room - for now. My one daughter has her own bed - eventhough I think 3 of them (7 yr girl, 6 yr & 4 yr old boys) sleep in her twin bed more then any other bed. Then we have one in a crib, one in a bassinett and my oldest lives with her grandparents because it was better for her to be there then anywhere else when I had her very young and now she doesn't want to move home - which I understand... she sleeps on the couch when she is her, cause sorry but I'm not going to waise money on a bed that never gets sleep in. If you think I'm mean - that's ok... you don't understand the situation. But I don't think I would get the daughter a set of bunck beds unless you are planning on having another girl to use the other bed, cuase it wouldn't be "fair" for the boys to have 1 bed each and her have 2 beds.
Now all 6 of my kids are mine and my hubby's... so it is harder for me to talk about blended families. But amybe you can talk to him about what you are feeling and see if he will talk to you about what he is feeling. Ask him why he thinks everything is not fair. Maybe you guys can come to an agreement or something - that way it doesn't put a strain on your relationship or work it's way into how things work for your younger son.
Dear Mom,
I am not in your situation, so I don't know if this is the best advice, but I will tell you what our dad did with us. I am a twin.
My dad has always had a reward system, you do x you get $$. He wouldn't give us presents or clothes, just money,
This is how it works
We are expected to do certain chores while at home, clean the kitchen, set the table, clean our bedroom, we each had a bathroom so we had to clean that as well, and take care of the backyard, rake it, mow it, and the likes.
We each were allowed a certain amount per month (it changed as we grew up, as our obligations changed) if we failed to do something he'd deduct. Apart from that my dad would buy A on our report card. He'd give us additional money for each A we presented on our report card. All that money went into a bank account, from which we could take if we wanted something, or needed something but we were only allowed to withdraw once a month. The amount of money you had was entirely up to you. So was what you wanted to buy with your money, everything was game, my sisters bought game systems with theirs, I never bought one, but bought other things.
Before we had a bank account my mom would put our money in a jar with our name and kept it high in the closet. She would also withdraw from there if we needed clothes or shoes.
As for the bunk beds, my twin shared a room with our younger sister (she is 10 years younger) so they got those convertible bunk beds, you know those that can turn into twin beds, and I really wanted one of those, he didn't buy it for me, and I never saved enough for them, but if I had, I would have bought them.
I think implementing something like this might save you a lot on the who gets what that's fair.
I hope you find this helpful, Good Luck!
It sounds like he does not want his daughter to be left out of anything and is going way overboard. Maybe he is insecure about her being a part of your family.
"Fair" is not the same as "equal". I was one of 4 kids, and whenever any of us complained that something wasn't fair (one of us getting something or doing something the other didn't), my mom always told us that fair doesn't mean everybody gets the same thing. Fair means everybody gets what they need, and not what they want. Plus, his daughter is learning that she can have anything she wants. Big problems down the road for her. At least your son knows what it's like to work for something.
