J.C.
i had this same talk w/ my then 14 year old Freshman who asked me if he was too young for sex. Instead of saying yes, I put it back on him (because it is not my decision and since it was so personal he had to decide for himself) and spent the next two hours explaining and answering questions that before he makes the decision to become sexually active he needs to know some things--we then discussed STDs and health, reputation, and gossip, possible pregnancy, birth control methods he was aware of, abortion-guilt, teen parenting, "lifelong" relationship with the mom, girls at school who had babies, responsibility for the next 19 years (financial and fathering), and disrupting his college and future goals for himself. Could he handle all this for some "fun" and does he want to put himself in any of these positions in case of a "mistake"? He sat and thought and said to me" I think I will go along with my original plan--I will wait until I am 18 and more mature" My answer then was "That is a good plan, but even then you have to think of all these things and always have them on your mind!" I told him that whatever he decided I would always love him and support his decisions as long as they were well though out and our line of communication was always left open so we could discuss them when he had questions. .. The next day his 13 year old girl friend broke up with him and spread rumors all over school that he was gay because he wouldn't have sex with her. He is so hurt that she would say things about him and he feels since he was a Freshman that people are labeling him and judging him for what should be a personal decision and no one's business and it will never go away. He is now a Sophomore and little discussion of this incident has occurred since. I have also heard from his teachers that he is one of the most respectful kids in his classes and he has lots of friends and is looked up to by his peers. I also tell him i love him everyday and when we talk (most times very briefly) about school and kids there--I always find something to tell him about how I am proud of him, or i approve of his actions or I listen while he analyzes others inappropriate behaviors and then I thank God and all the universal energies for such a wonderful boy. I wish i could get him to clean his room better--his "man-cave" of a room could accommodate cave men for sure!
Good luck with your daughter. I have 2 older daughters and i think they were a lot easier to discuss sensitive and critical issues.