How to Survive Being Married to a Workaholic?

Men rarely change. But leave him a note, asking for 20 minutes of his time, on a certain date (a week away). If he doesn't answer back, agreeing, then leave him a note saying you're seeing a lawyer for a divorce because he isn't interest in his family. Should get results

Hi N.,
Uggh....this sounds all too familiar to me. Sometimes I think they just check out of the marriage and use work as an excuse. All I can say is YOU are doing everything right - and if your needs are not being met, it may be time to rethink everything. Even though you can't imagine what might have gone wrong, you have to prepare yourself for the day he may really check out. Start stashing money and mentally preparing yourself so that when he finally admits to himself and to you what he's doing, you'll be somewhat prepared. Living life with someone who ignores you is worse than living alone. Hang in there, N., or decide you deserve better and move on.
K.

While expecting my fourth child, my husband was given a promotion that involved a 2 hour commute on top of a very long work day. So, many nights he stayed over at a hotel so he wouldn't be driving while tired. It was a very challenging time, but I did gain some fresh perspective. Men want to be the providers. It gives them pride to know they can take care of their families. I found that whining about him not being home only increased the distance between us and made us both unhappy. When I would put my full support behind him and help him in his endeavors, he reciprocated. He would surprise me by coming home on a night he had planned to be away. On weekends he would watch the kids so I could get my hair done. I finally made it a point to just enjoy the time we did have together. After long weeks, neither of us felt like going out much, so we stayed in and played games or watched movies. We would cuddle on the couch and give eachother foot rubs. It is difficult to always maintain a positive attitude when our situations are not ideal, but turning towards your partner and being his biggest asset will lead you both to be more fulfilled in the relationship.

throughout your request I was thinking, "Yeah, some guys think that's their role in the marriage...their way of contributing equally to the family."

Then I read your very last comment. He's working 80+ hours a week, is gone most weekends and you and your daughter don't see a penny of the extra money? I'd be willing to bet 1 of 2 things is happening here: 1) that money is going to another woman, or 2)Your husband has stopped being married. He has become a single man again and is spending the money on "toys" for himself.

My husband stopped being married several years before I finally ended it for real, and I prayed constantly that it was a phase. I hope, for your family's sake, that it's a phase for him. Either way, it's serious, and will probably require some counseling for both of you.

I'll pray for you about this. I hope you have better luck than I did.

I know you've said you have talked to your husband till your blue, but have you actually said to him that this is destroying your family and that you're very lonely without him? Have you told him you're exhausted and feel like you're a single parent? You feel as if you're not even married anymore, due to the fact that he's NEVER home? Tell him that that the money doesn't matter if it's destroying your family and marriage. Tell him that you and your daughter need him to be a part of your lives and that's what is most important.
Hopfully he will understand your concerns and realize that you and your daughter need him more than anything else.

I hope this advice helps and I wish you luck in getting through to him.

I am sorry but there's nothing really you can do short of leaving him. You've talked with him and he's not receptive to your feelings at all. If he's just working all the time to blow the money he makes and it's not bettering your family...than I have to agree with what Becky said...he's either done with the marriage and finds it easier to just be gone than actually end it OR he's found another woman he'd rather spend the time with.

One thing is for certain...he is not spending his time with you, your daughter, or seems to even care that he's destroying your marriage. If he won't cut back the hours, help out around the house, spend some time with his family, or even be open to the idea of trying to do any of the above...you may as well get yourself a good lawyer. You're already doing it all on your own now anyhow. :(

I went through this, but my children were pretty much grown at the time. We ended up divorced, unfortunately, simply because I could not tolerate living alone in the house with someone, and I know you know what I mean. You have a young child, though, and need to hang onto your marriage if you possibly can. First, if he won't sit down with you long enough to have a talk, then put everything into writing that you want to say to him and give him the letter, stressing to him that this is serious and he needs to take enough time out to read it and consider it. Tell him in the letter how you feel, that you are like a single parent, that you love him and miss him and want the two of you to work out a compromise. If that does nothing to have him sit and talk with you about this, then you seriously need to do as another poster suggested and start stashing funds and preparing to either put up with this forevermore and just make yourself a life with him that does not include him in it, or move on, one or the other. Let him know in the letter that you are committed to your marriage, that you feel his absence is doing harm to the marriage and to your child, but also let him know that you expect him to spend more time, not just want him to, and that you expect him to come up with a better solution than to tell you this is something you must learn to live with, that you expect him to understand that if the money he makes extra is this important to him, he might find himself with only that extra money to keep him warm at night, and it won't. Your only other option, truthfully, is to stick to it and ride this out, hoping it will change as time passes. This is your decision to make: whether to ride this out, hoping for a different future, or end it and truly be a single parent. Maybe if he sees the seriousness of what you are thinking and feeling, he will open up more to you about why he is doing this and the explanation could soothe your fears and give you more tolerance for his overload of work. If not, then you have some decisions to make. If he gives you any help at all, even if it's only financial now, I would say stick it out awhile longer. Use some of his funds he is creating to hire some help at the house. That should wake him up!

Dear N.,

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. My husband also started a business back in 2005 and he's been working out of the garage for years now. Lots of crazy hours, and many weekends where he has had to miss out on a lot of the fun stuff. (OK, a lot more chores than adventures, but whatever.)

At first glance, I thought I could empathize with you, share some of my survival strategies, but I think my situation is different because my husband KNOWS that he's missing stuff. He keeps saying that if things don't change soon, (like actually turning a profit) he'll go crazy, quit and go back to work for someone else, and *I* am the one telling him to hang in just a little longer. (And because he's always at home, I *KNOW* that he really is working and not playing golf or having an affair or whatever.)

If your husband is saying that you "just need to accept it" and that "things won't change", that... that really doesn't give you much work with. Even a marriage counselor would have a hard time dealing with that kind of attitude. See if you can find a marriage counselor that you feel comfortable talking to. You may have to go in and have a session by yourself, if he isn't willing at first (or ever).

If he really is as stubborn as you say he is, you may one day have to decide if you can indeed accept this kind of life. If not, you have the choice of getting a marriage couselor to help save the marriage or a lawyer to end it.

My heart goes out to you and your dear daughter. Good luck.

Wow. Counseling. Why doesn't he listen to you when you beg him to spend time with his family? I think there's a lot more going on in his head than we know. Good luck!

Hi N.,

I don't really have an answer to your question. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings/struggle. I'm not married yet, but I have been living with my fiance for about 3 years (together for 8). Our wedding is actually on the 30th. We just moved to Ga and we have no friends and he has one male cousin here. I am a stay at home mom to our toddler while he works ALL DAY LONG. My fiance and I have had this discussion at least 3 times a week. The only person I have to talk to and interact with isn't even 2 yet and has no clue of 70% of what I'm saying and definitely can't respond much! My fiance gets up around 10 or 1030am and leaves for work between 1130 and 12. Then he doesn't get home until close to 1am. When he is home and awake, he's on the phone with work issues 60% of the time. He will talk on the phone on and off for hours with people from work, but has trouble completing a sentence with me. We very rarely have a full conversation even on his weekends (when he doesn't go into work!). This is getting old VERY quickly! I too feel like a single parent, fortunately I don't have the added stress of a job outside of the home (though being a sahm isn't all fun and games either!). I feel like the live-in nanny/maid. Hired help. I have no companionship. I truly believe in his mind, he's working hard now so that he can rest later, but tomorrow isn't promised to us. What if one of us isn't here "later"? Then what good is all that work now? I have resolved to just "deal with it". I just have to accept the life I chose. He has a very demanding job with a lot of responsibility. If we were to lose his income, we would not be in a good place. I am praying that this is just a season in our lives and this too shall pass. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent too who knows what you're going through, please feel free to contact me. The best thing to do is pray about it. Only God knows the best thing to do and how your situation will turn out. Do/say what He directs you to, and you can't go wrong!
Best Wishes & God Bless!
~J.

N.,
I almost left my husband for this. I was a single parent to twins up until they were almost four with no family support - our closest family was 4.5 hours away! When I told hubbie I was leaving and moving in with mother, he got the message loud and clear, especially since I really don't get a long with mother. He knew things were bad for me! Now I have the other extreme - he wants to be around too much! LOL!

Oh dear, I understand and just know that you are not alone in the way that you feel. I am the mother of twins and basically was a single mother because my hubby work's retail and when he wasn't working he was out hanging with friends. I finally paid $250.00 for an uncontested divorce and he FINALLY got the picture after years of me screaming at him for not helping. I didn't get pregnant on my own and it certainly wasn't fair for me to be raising them alone.
However, he is in management now still in retail and his store is about an hour away from our home and has ALOT of stress. I am grateful that I only have to work part-time now, and I have worked full-time in the past so I understand and still feel as though my load is too much to bear at times. However, I try to remind myself of the things that my husband DOES do. Going to work and working VERY hard to support our family, he takes the kids to school every morning for me so that I can be at work by 7:00 a.m., he cleans up the house on his days off, but at the same time I feel frustrated, lonely, and a single mom when I don't get to see him in the A.M. or P.M. and then he doesn't get home till about 8:00 most nights and the kids are already in the bed then I have to head to bed myself due to getting up so early for work. All of this is frustrating BUT I have to remember that it is what it is. He is working for money to support us and believe me not if there was enough money to go around I would hire someone to clean my house-but I am also a little OCD so really don't think it would be worth it in my case. You need to try and be supportive of him - NO MATTER WHAT. As women we do know best for our husbands and not shy to express it to them. However, sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and happy trails to trot-and EVENTUALLY they will see the light and through prayer, patience, and silence it will all come together more than you even imagined. If he is working this other job to help out and pay bills with because you are not able to survive with just one income-then let it be and just pray about it-but keep the mouth closed. Eventually some of that debt will disappear and you can afford some "hired" help. Now if he is doing it and using the money for frivelous things, make a list from the time you get up to the time you go to bed and let him SEE and explain that if he wants to continue working this second-shift job-fine BUT that he has to make sacfrices too just as you do when he's not home by paying someone else to come in and help with the load since he cannot because you are only one person and cannot do it alone and not fair to do it all alone either. You aren't asking HIM to pitch in and help anymore-you are asking that he pay for someone else to give you releif- and a well deserved relief. I hope it all works out and just remember "for better or for WORSE, till death due us part".

Everyone needs a break! Ask your husband to sit down with you and set a budget for a cleaning person to help keep up the house and laundry and a sitter to give you a much needed break. Also take a calendar out and schedule him e/o weekend for date night just you & he for coffee, appetizers, movie, dinner, bowling.....just where the two of you can hang. Then try to schedule in HIS time to work just on his business. See it on paper/calendar and work on it together.

So sorry for what you are going through. I hate to tell you, but it sounds like Becky B hit the nail on the head. I also looked at your profile and read the requests you have put out in the last year and now agree even more that there is something going on. I am married to my best friend(friends for 17 years, together for 15, married for 9). The one thing I knew would never happen was an affair. Well, I was wrong. I knew things were not going well in our marriage or finances but thought it would pass. He was not "involved" in our family and starting acting more single than married and I honestly just thought it was a phase. Well, then I got the "call" and it was her. I never in a million years would have suspected and even 1 1/2 years later, I am still in shock. Luckily, we have managed to make it past all of this and are stronger than we have been in a long time.

The reason I tell you all of this is b/c I was in denial and I am afraid that you are, too. I know it is easy for someone on the outside to assume the worst and hard for the person involved to accept or believe. I finally started keeping records of everything and I mean everything and eventually got a private investigator involved, too. I guess I still needed confirmation for myself.

Things are much better in my marriage now, but I learned in the process that both me and my daughter will be fine either way. Sounds to me like you are already a single parent, so you can do it, too. I know you love him, but is having him around really making your life better? I think that the worst thing we can do as parents is to stay together for the kids' sake. All that does is teaches them that marriage is supposed to be unhappy and that is just not true. Obviously there will be good and bad days, but the good should always outweigh the bad. God knows it is not easy, and it shouldn't be b/c nothing worthwhile is, but it also shouldn't make your life worse.

All of that being said, I hope that I am wrong. Between the jobs, the money and the strip club, though, it sounds to me like you are way past due for a serious talk with your husband and/or a lawyer. You are worth more than that and you and your daughter deserve better. Take Care.

Find a trusted marriage counselor/therapist and go alone, then later invite him, when instructed by your therapist. You need to talk to a professional before it's too late.

So sorry to hear about your difficulties. It sounds to me like your husband may be a little selfish, not knowing his side of the story. Sounds like you need something to get his attention. One option could be to stay with some family for awhile until he is ready to listen and talk to you; hopefully, you have some family in town or close friends. Another could be to get his family involved for an intervention. After you get his attention, I think counseling would help you guys tremendously to save this marriage. Best of luck to you! You and your family will be in my thoughts...

I would try to convince him that his daughter is only going to be little for a little while. He should spend as much time with her now because one day she won't want to spend time with him. My husband did not want kids, so I told him either we have a child or a divorce and he chose to have a child. So maybe either he quits his side business or a divorce. When you got married, you became a team and the teamwork is not working if he is gone all the time. Another idea is if he has any close friends, then talk to them and have them to start calling to talk to him and then when he is never around, have that friend give him an outsider's point of view about your situation. Maybe if someone else talks to him besides you, it will open his eyes to what he is doing to his marriage.

Hi N.,

Is what he is doing on the side a business of his own or is he working for someone else? Is what he is spending reinvesting in what he is doing or is he frittering it away? I ask these questions because I've been there and sometimes there's more to it than what they tell you. They try to protect us.

For instance, have you two been discussing the economy and seeing all the job losses lately? Maybe he's concerned, or even scared, about that fulltime job he has and his security there. You said this just started recently. There has to be some reason. That will give you a lot of ideas on how to talk to him. Ask him if there is something he's not telling you.

Your husband may think a year long's sacrifice will make life easier later on. He may be thinking if he sacrifices now, he'll be able to enjoy his daughter more next year or the next... I know you are exhausted. I KNOW! He probably thinks he's sacrificing and you can too.

Please don't let this destroy your family. This will either end or he will succeed. Either way, patience will get you there. Is there hope that this will turn into something you can do with him?

OK, for the answer to your question. Write down everything you have to do in detail. Give the list to him and let him prioritize it for you so that IF you don't get something done then he knows HE set the priority. Discuss the things not getting done with him regularly and let him VISUALLY see your efforts. Sometimes I think men just think we watch soaps and eat bon-bons...even when we have a paying job, they really don't think it's that draining....If he sees what you are doing it may open more avenues to talk. Especially if he sees you as supportive.

I know I don't have the perfect answer. Every home is different. God bless you and hold tight!

Regards,
M.