How to Say 'NO' in a Way That Does Not Make Someone Feel Badly....

"I'm sorry, I can't help. If you had asked me a few days ago, perhaps I could have helped, but I already have something planned for that time that I can't reschedule. I hope you're able to find someone you can ask to help you out."

"Jan, I know you are in a bind, but I just can't help out this time." and then a sincere "I'm really sorry".

It kind of all depends on if this is a friend, a co-worker, an aquaintence. And how much you value her opinion of you.

I think you can just politely say, Darn, I won't be able to help you because I already have plans .... however, next time, if you let me know a little in advance, I can probably lend you hand..

don't waiver... sound polite but resolute..

good luck

I swear this is only meant as constructive criticism but has it occurred to you that you are not as intuitive as you think you are?

Every question you have asked, yeah all three of them, are about picking apart someone else's behavior, and then dispensing your judgment. This judgment tends to be I am not being respected by......

Here you are trying to figure out how to say no because you don't feel you were properly asked. Kindergarten comes to mind. You didn't ask nice so I am not going to play with you!

You said you "do not want to make time to help her". That says I could but I want to be offended instead.

So to answer, no, there is no nice way to say I will always be there for you unless you don't ask me in a manner pleasing to my personality.

When she says she's going to "have" you do something, tell her, "Funny, I don't recall being ASKED to do that."
When she calls because her help has flaked on her, just tell her, "I hope you find some help, but this just really isn't a good time for me." Poor planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on your part.

"Oh, I won't be able to move the chairs. I had actually have something else which needs to be done during that time. You will need to find someone else to help with that."

No false apologies, puts the problem squarely back in her lap and lets her know that you have your own work schedule and tasks to deal with. She is assuming her time is more important/valuable than yours and that you should know that as well. What a difficult person to deal with. If she doesn't have the authority, the next time you might ask "well, do you want to check with my supervisor first? Because they think I'm supposed to be doing XYZ". In other words, let them know that *their* problem should not be assumed to be *your* problem.

The woman admitted her partner was a flake and enlisted you for help. She gave you a compliment. Be happy. Also, be a supportive team player when your coworkers are helpless and need you. Don't be passive aggressive and play games to prove some ridiculous point about an issue that you've decided to get mad about. Do not leave your coworker hanging. I would not want to be on a team with you based on your poor attitude.

You have constant issues with your coworkers. You are overanalyzing and nitpicking everyone and everything. I find it hard to believe that you have that many hard to deal with co-workers. To me, your posts say more about you than they do about the other parties, such as that you might be the one with the issues. It sounds to me that you don't like being low man on the totem pole and you don't like being told what to do. You're new - stop being dramatic, do the job and be helpful and non-confrontational. Stop looking for problems and conflicts. You will not last long being the squeaky wheel.

Why can't a person just, say, no.
That they are busy and have a schedule conflict.
Why over think it.
It is all about the tone of voice used in saying it.
There is nothing wrong with saying, no.

"I'm sorry, but I am busy and unable to help you move chairs. I really can't help you with this event."

If you are busy, you are busy. It's a volunteer thing, right? She can't volunteer you. You can say no. I wouldn't even say "you can use me later". Just offer your help when YOU want to.

You are choosing not to help her. Own it.
You are not being used
you are bring asked for help.
Crimminy - you are not that much in demand.

Tell me, is this woman the co-worker/temp that you already issues with?

"I'm sorry, but I already have plans. In the future, please ask in advance so I can block out the time."

I would just tell her that I can't I have plans but next time if you "ASK" me ahead of time and give me notice I might beable to help.

If it were me, I would ignore her. Up until now, she has just been talking "at" you. When she actually says to you, "Now move the chairs", that's when I'd say, "I'm sorry, but I'm busy doing my own job." And go back to ignoring her. If she goes into a tirade about her crappy partner and that she had already let you know that she wanted help, that's when you look at her and say "You've told me twice that I was going to do "x" for you. I don't work for you. You're not my supervisor, my boss, my principal or my mother. If you want people to help you, you need to learn how to ask nicely and not make people feel like you think they are your slaves."

She needs to learn the hard way that treating people like this gets her nowhere. If you do it just to keep the peace, you'll be in the position again and again.

Dawn

Oh, that won't work for me. Good luck!
No, I am not able to do that. I have a prior commitment.

No, please don't talk to me that way. I don't like it.

If you need my help in the future, please ask nicely and most times I will be able to help.

Good luck! Set your boundary and don't feel bad about it one bit. You can say no and still smile. Her issue/emergency is not your problem!

I'm not clear, is this a work thing or a personal thing? If it's a work thing, you might want to tread lightly, even help this woman regardless of her attitude to show you're a team player. If it's a personal thing, well that's an entirely different ball of wax. No need to be rude, why sink to her level. Just politely announce you'd love to assist but won't have time to help on this one. Maybe next time.

In this instance, can you just ignore her? I'm pretty non aggressive (but not a pushover at all) and when people tell me what they're going to have me do, I just ignore it until they ask. If she does ask, tell her you already have plans and don't have the time. Just a simple one line answer like "Oh gosh - I'm so sorry you're stuck, but I'm booked up this week. I'm really sorry". Don't over explain or apologize profusely. Just state it and be done.

Also, I don't think you need to include that you're always there if she needs you -- because frankly, in this instance you're not (which is fine!). What you really mean is that you'll help her in the future if you think it's a valid need and she's being respectful of your time. And if she's a friend, she should realize that, so no need to tell her. It just prolongs the conversation and puts you in a position where you might have to say no over and over again.

Just tell her you can't do it at this time...it can be done with politeness and honesty. No need to be extremely aggressive, life is too short.

People have forgotten the fine art of asking in a respectful way. Any way you say it, she may be offended, but that's on HER, not you.

You have gotten great advice! I love what Hazel said about not offering false apologies. Just say that you are not able to do it in a kind, respectful manner. Next time she can choose a more reliable partner so she doesn't feel the need to put it on you!

arent you new at your company? shouldnt you be looking to make yourself extra useful instead of being childish?

Also when your new you generally are lower than your equals for a good time...because you dont know the companyt or your job 100% so they need to fill your time in between training you

I'm a little confused by your question. Is this a work/office situation or are you talking about something where you're volunteering at school/church/etc?

If it's work, you obviously need to assess the situation - who is telling you what to do, why, and how will it affect you down the line. Is it worth it to do what this person asks so you show good cooperation and improve your position within the company down the line?

Or, if it's volunteering, it's so much easier to say no. You say, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you move the chairs this time. I already have other plans. Next time, if you ask me in advance, I'd be happy to make time to help you out.

You just kindly say, "I'm sorry, I'd like to help you but I have something else that I have to do at that time." Of course she's going to feel badly. She needs help. But it's not our job to make everyone feel good all the time.

And it's not our job to teach someone, not our children, to ask in a different way. A simple, "I'm sorry" does the trick only when she asks.
If this is a good friend with whom you want to build better communication you can say, "if you're asking me to do it, I'd like to but I'm not able to do that now." No need to say anything more.

And, of course, do not feel obligated to say anything to her if she doesn't directly ask you to do something. Hinting is passive aggressive and does not deserve any sort of attention from you unless this is a person with whom you spend a lot of time with and you want to clarify the situation.

If that's the case, at a time when you're both relaxed and just talking I'd try to have a conversation about how you would prefer that she ask you directly and not just hint. Tell her you'll help her if you can but the hinting is very irritating.

What helps me is to learn not to pay attention to the underlying expectation. A friend asked me if I were going to get a house mate now that my cousin died. I didn't even hear that she wanted to be my house mate until she asked for the third time. Then I consciously decided to not respond because I'm dealing with my own emotional issues. If she asks me again, I'll say, "Are you wanting to be my roommate?" and if she says, yes, I'll once more give her the same answer I've already given. "I'm wanting to live alone. I'm sorry to disappoint you." (She has memory problems and will forget she's already asked,) Use I statements.

Don't worry about if it hurts someone's feelings if you said it nicely.

We can't sit around worrying about not wanting to hurt people's feelings all the while letting them hurt us by being demanding,controlling and taking advantage of us.

So...get some nice little quips to retort in a pinch.

"Hey..thanks for asking and I'd love to help but I am busy right now."
"I would love to help but I am in a bind myself". Maybe next time!"
"That could work right now. I can help you if you can help me by doing afternoon's carpool."

It is very liberating to finally be able to say "no".When you consider first your own sanity and the peace of mind of you and your family. And you let go of the fear of possibly offending someone and taking on more than you can chew.

Lol, I wouldn't concern myself with not hurting her feelings. I wouldn't intentionally hurt her, but.... I, too, have to make sure that my "strength" doesn't come on too strong, so I get it.

I am matter of fact and don't give too much explanation. When you do all that, you sound like you are making an excuse. You don't need to say that you are there if she needs you or teach her any kind of lesson about how to treat you. Your answer is no, so say no, in the moment right when she says it to you. "I won't be able to help with that today." If you get into a bunch of explanation, then you give her room to reschedule "your" part of the assignment. ("I can't help because I have a meeting at that exact same time." "Well, can you move the chairs before your meeting?") Then, you go back and forth and get annoyed. Tell her that you will be unavalaible to help, and leave it at that. If she has the nerve to ask why, tell her that you have other stuff going on. Do not explain any further, because she is trying to justify your reason, and you should not open that door for her to do so. It's not up to her to determine if you actually have the availability.

In this case you have an actual excuse. "So sorry, I already have previous plans."

In the future, you just say. "I will not be able to help you with this."
No excuse needed. If she asks why?..

just say, "I already have plans."

"I will not have time that day"

" My back is out and I have been told not to do that type of movement."

'honesty is the best policy.' i can't tell you to be nice if your withholding help because you feel used. if you feel used or pushed around or not appreciated, you should let your feelings known, otherwise it will happen all the time.
start with...i don't want to help you, because...after you say what you have to say, pause and wait. this usually leads to a conversation.

You say
"I'm working on something that is a priority for my boss. You can ask him if it's okay to delay his project so I can help you.".

That way you've made it clear you can not change what you are doing without your bosses authorization.
Most people will quit pestering you at this point and let it go at that.
Others will ask your boss, and if your boss is anything like most I've had in the past, he'll not only say 'No!', but he'll say "Hell no!" and he won't care if anyone feels bad about it.
If your boss says yes - well then you are cleared to go ahead and help and your behind is covered.

She may not realize how she's coming off. Maybe she meant as, 'I couldn't relie on so and so, but I know I can relie on you.' And maybe she was overwhelmed and it made her speak before thinking.

I'd just tell her firmly but nicely that you like it a lot better when asked instead of being told. And that you'll see how it works in to your schedule later but now you can't do it.