How to Reach a Parent in Denial?

If the little guy has an SPD, sensory processing disorder, then the tubes could have affected his sense of balance and how he feels he is positioned within "space" itself. One neat thing my ped told me was that if we can do early interventions now, at a young age, then sometimes they can actually get rid of the Autism diagnosis. I don't know how often, but my son has an spd and it is making a HUGE difference for him to have OT.

Would you or you husband be able to get the parents to watch a powerpoint or do any research about what it would be like to live inside the son's head? This might be a good way to go. But, really, talking them into getting help with the hope that it could go away is a good way to go I think.

You asked: "Also, anyone familiar with Autism, Why would the surgery have made him worse? Or maybe it just seems that way. As I said before he used to spin in circles now he just lays on the floor and has the saddest face on, it breaks my heart!!!"

If the boy does indeed have ASD, then he very likely/possibly also has Sensory Processing Disorder. That would mean that when he had tubes put in his ears, helping with the drainage, he was better able to hear suddenly. That can be VERY shocking to a little boy with ASD and SPD, and if he's not getting Occupational Therapy or any other approved therapies it's going to be nearly impossible for him to cope with the sudden change of better hearing.

It's likely, to me, that he might do well with some Sensory Activities to help him. They could be simple activities, such as dried beans or raw rice in a Tupperware container and the task is to locate tiny army men or coins or keys with his fingers. One activity my ASD daughter enjoys is water play. She used to love her water table and sand table. Now that she's 10, she just fills the sink with water and plays with dolls in there, or she'll run water over her hands, fingers, and wrists. You can also find sensory toys online at web sites geared towards occupational therapists and teachers that have students with sensory needs. Sometimes, it's as simple as bouncing on a mini trampoline or swinging on a swing for a short time.

What I would do first, though, is speaking with someone in generic terms about the situation to the school psychologist of the local elementary school and/or whoever heads the Special Education Program there. They should be able to offer some advice to you on how to approach the parents and maybe even offer to join you in a meeting. When my daughter was in preschool the preschool worked in tandem with the school she was going to attend kindergarten with.

The thing is... I was receptive to the help. I was receptive to the diagnosis, even when it crushed me. My goal was to help my daughter as early as possible, and watch and see if the therapies that were geared towards ASD and SPD would help or not. When they did I knew we were doing the right thing.

ASD is a very scary diagnosis. It's daunting. And in the climate we have right now with people wanting to place BLAME for what causes ASD, we have a lot of parents that feel guilt for one thing or another: something they did or didn't do during pregnancy; not recognizing signs of it in their family; getting their children vaccinations even though ALL RELIABLE RESEARCH indicates there's no link; guilt for what we're feeding or not feeding our child; guilt for whether or not we breastfed or how long we breastfed; guilt over whether or not we had a medicated delivery or a premature delivery or drank coffee during pregnancy or ate a tuna sandwich.

Then there's guilt over not recognizing it sooner.

Then there's wanting a cure. Then realizing that a cure would change your child completely and you don't really want that. What you want is help. And realizing that the diagnosis didn't change who your child is, it just put a name to the difficulties your child is having.

So maybe if you can approach the parents in a way where they understand that your main concern is helping their child.

"Mom and Dad, I know that maybe you disagree with the ASD diagnosis or maybe it's really scary. I have some resources for support groups for you, and I did some initial research for you for what the transition into kindergarten with special services would be like. The diagnosis entitles your son to services that are free, even if you disagree with the diagnosis... and if the services help him and his behaviors and issues and ____ and ___ improve, then wouldn't that be a good thing?"

That could be a way to start the conversation. Explain to them what a PPT is, and what an IEP is. Explain to them how they can get him started with services through the public school NOW so that he's already established with them when he starts kindergarten and it will help him with the transitions. It would also entitle him to free summer session/summer school, which is extremely beneficial for children on the spectrum. It helps them retain information they learned in the previous school year, catch up on anything they might have missed, and hopefully get a small jump on the coming school year.

This means some leg work for you, but also maybe establishing a really good network for your preschool and strengthening your standing in the community.

I had a similar meeting with my daughter's first preschool. I wasn't receptive and was frankly very mad for what I perceived as them "picking" on my kid. It was a church-run mother's day out preschool program and she was basically kicked out. I had her evaluated by the school district and turns out, the district agreed that my daughter needed early intervention.

What I'm trying to say is that as a mom, I didn't want to hear anything "negative" about my precious, special little girl. Her diagnosis (high functioning aspberger's / sensory integration disorder was tough for me to accept. We didn't witness any behaviors at home, because my daughter was comfortable at home. It was quiet and peaceful at home. School was noisy & crowded.

It was tough for me to accept her diagnosis - and my husband still struggles with it. But bottom line is my little one needed help so we got help for her.

I think that you may be the most helpful by concentrating on what you observe and know, rather than on the diagnosis. The parents have received the information they need for a diagnosis, so it is not up to you to review that. If you have reached a conclusion that this child is not progressing from your curriculum and within your school's structure, then that is what you share. I have had to do this. Mention that you are presenting this lack of progress because you care about him, and in the awareness that a more appropriate setting and services will help him to advance. Do not apologize for your professional observations. Offer to provide any support to the next setting. The awkwardness will only be worse if you seem to second-guess yourself.

Thank you for caring so much about children, and for directing these parents towards the evaluation. Now they need a little more direction. All my best.

Is it really your place to "push" the parents towards anything? You aren't a health care professional, and they are not neglecting their child - they are simply deviating from the path YOU think they should take.

If you can't handle their child at your facility, that's different. But as a parent, making what I feel are the best decisions for my family, I'd be pretty put off by a preschool direction trying to force her view on me & my child. If fact, I'd withdraw my child immediately, give your facility a bad review, and discourage anyone/everyone I know from ever utilizing your facility.

You can't know what's best for their child or their family - no matter what you were told about whatever evaluation the kid had. My advice? Butt out unless they ask for your opinion.

I wish I had time to answer in more detail, but it's a bad time (see my most recent question - http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6887290207683739649)

Some of this stuff sounds crazy at first, but really the research is there. Basically the science is showing that the combination of over-use of anti-biotic (ear infections and tubes), changes in life habits that have reduced our contact with microbes and enzymes that we would have gotten during the birth process, breastfeeding, sharing space and bathrooms with sibs and pets, when your mom pre-chewed your food - like I said at first it just seems gross!!! we have messed up our guts and that is leading to the skyrocketing increase in auto-immune diseases such as MS, Parkinson, allergies, asthma and autism. Here are some links to some of the research and my blog (which is very small since I started it just before my parents were killed.) http://robinmilesmclean.blogspot.com/2012_04_01_archive.html
When talking to other parents about issues trying to put yourself in their shoes is great. I always emphasize how addressing issues will lead to more happiness for the child. Sorry for the crappy answer hope something here helps someone.
The NYT article on celic/leaky gut syndrome and breastfeeding by Moises Velasquez-Manoff

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/opinion/sunday/what-rea...

Moises Velasquez-Manoff's book "An Epidemic of Absence"
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439199388/?tag=googhydr-20&...

NYT article about a mom who put her kid's RA into remission
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/magazine/the-boy-with-a...

Freakonomics Radio podcast on fecal transplants (looks like they've done more than the one I heard)
http://www.freakonomics.com/?s=fecal+transplants&x=88...

I have to be honest with you, I do not think it is your place to "push" the parents into interventions or treatment. They have gotten their child evaluated, they are obviously working with a pediatrician (someone must have referred the child for surgery) and it is their decision on how they wish to proceed with their child's healthcare decisions.
They are not accountable towards you about what diagnosed they have gotten or what services they are willing to seek, they are not required to talk with you about their child's health and personally it sounds like you are very intrusive about it.

I understand that your heart is in the right place, you just want to help this child - but what you are doing is obviously not perceived as helpful by the parents. Sometimes parents need time to grieve a diagnosis like this and lets not forget that even many "mainstream" doctors are not in agreement about the swelling tide of spectrum diagnoses and it their right (and maybe even their duty) to seek second opinions and alternate treatments if they see fit.

It is your place however to run your childcare center in a way that provides a good environment for your employees and the other children in your care.
If your facility is not equipped to handle a child with special needs you may need to talk to the parents about finding care that better suits their child's needs. Because let's be honest, even if the parents were to start OT and speech therapy immediately, improvements would likely take time to show and there is no magic bullet to cure autism... the behavioral problems will likely continue for some time even with therapy.
Depending on your state's laws and licensing requirements regarding discrimination, it may not be legal to dismiss a child on the basis of having special needs, so you may want to inquire with your state's human rights commission or your licensing authority to avoid any legal drama.

I am very sorry you are in this situation... whatever you do, I don't think there is a solution that will please everyone involved.
Good luck.

I have nothing to add except when my middle daughter had tubes put in her ears and she could hear normally, everything seemed louder to her. She would startle easily and would put her hands over her ears saying, "too loud, mommy!" for normal noises.

In the school I work at, there's a kid that is sensitive to noise, so he wears noise cancelling headphones. He can still hear what people say, but all the background noise is filtered out. It really helps.

Good luck!

Can you talk to social services about this? Perhaps the father will start to listen to reason if they tell him that he is expected to get help for his son.

Have you videotaped the boy's behavior? These things you are seeing might be things the father hasn't witnessed. Sometimes having to look at it makes a difference.

If you feel that he cannot succeed in the next class, put the father on notice that unless he starts intervention, you will have no choice but to no longer have him at the center.

So sorry!
Dawn

Because you are a Director of the school their son attends, but you are also familiar with them on a personal level... to me, no matter what you do they will see you as the "Director" of the school, and thus any pushing you do about this, will be as a school official.
Because, I do not think they can "separate" your roles, in their mind/emotionally, per their child.
You are familiar with them, but not SUPER close nor close friends, of them.
And, their privacy, per privacy laws per their son, needs to be held. No matter if you approach them as a "friend."
So if you approach them, with your Husband as well... well that means that you told your Husband about their son, too. And they might get miffed, at that. Because, per school and privacy laws... a child's medical information etc., is private and protected. And as a Director of a school, this needs to be upheld.
This is a school, matter.
Not a personal matter.
Even if you are somewhat familiar with the Dad... just because your Husband and he are volunteer Firefighters. But this does not mean, that you are all... CLOSE friends.

Still, this is a school matter.
And, whether or not the surgery made him worse or not... is a medical matter, between that family and their son's Doctor.
NO one, can make concrete decisions, about the surgery he had and its impact upon the boy. And per his formal diagnosis... of being on the spectrum.

If and since the boy may pose a "danger" to the other kids, you as a Director, need to address it with the parents.
You need to be honest with them, about their son, even if they are in denial. And he has no Aide with him in class, to manage him.
And the parents denied help for him.
And still, this poses a potential disruption and danger for the other kids since you said he is aggressive and acts out, I assume upon the other kids. And the Teacher already told them that.
You said the Teacher is honest with the Dad WHEN the Dad asks questions about his son. BUT, you can't just wait until the parent asks questions about their son, to tell the parents, what is going on with their son in, school. What if they do not ask questions? Does that then mean that no one from the school is going to tell the parents about their son's behavior?

Yes the child needs help.
The parents deny that help.
The assessment team who diagnosed the boy, must know they denied services. And the boy is acting out in school. Still. So perhaps, social services can be contacted. Or consult with your school's Attorney about what you can do?
And when/if this child perhaps harms another child, then what?
And the staff Teachers are not "SPED" trained Teachers. So the child cannot be properly facilitated or managed. And the parents denied services for their child.

Document everything that you are trying to do, as a school official.
Because if the parents say you do not help their son, you will have covered your behind.
AS a school official... if the boy causes repeated harm/danger/aggression to others and it cannot be corrected, you can opt, to have the child kicked out.
You need to document EVERYTHING.
This is a school matter, not a personal matter just because you might... be familiar with the Dad since he is a volunteer Firefighter like your Husband.
But all of this, is per privacy laws as well and your school's rules... for behavior etc.
You need to be careful, because you are the school's Director.
Yes its sad... but you have to think about the legalities about it, and per ALL privacy laws, of a child, et al.

I would approach it differently and tell them that unless something happens soon, you will not be able to handle him anymore. Encourage them to seek help even though they are in denial. Press the issue once more and then let it be.

If you lose them, you will be able to know you did everything you could for them.

I can imagine that most parents with kids on the spectrum are in denial at first. You know that early intervention can help, but they are still coming to terms with the 'diagnosis'. They probably know their son is different, but are hopeful it is something else. All you can control is whether or not he is in your program. If it is not the right program, then ask the parents to take them elsewhere. They may have to hear it a few times from a few different people for it to settle in...you just happened to be the first.

I think if you know any ENT's that would answer questions in general for you they might know what is going on with this child. He could have just had a bad reaction to the anesthesia. It's unlikely it would manifest like this but it's possible. I know my grandson went banshee when he woke up from the gas. He wakes up from general anesthesia like a charm, ready to go play and is smiling, just down right happy. But the gas? It makes him crazy.

I think that the more documentation you have the more likely they would think you credible.

They know you're right, they are in denial. They are grasping at straws. They will blame you, your teachers, your food, your anything to keep it from being him, or them. It's sad but you need to refer them to someone. Not child welfare but to the school system so they can find out the options he could be using when he turns 3.

Poor kid, it's sad to see one like this. I feel bad for them and for him.