My sister in law is a virtual stranger to me. She is much younger, doesn't come to family functions (and doesn't allow her husband to, either), has never tried to get to know any of us or make herself available to us to get to know her. She is married to my husband's brother and they live on the other side of the country. I don't agree with much of her parenting or her religious and political views, and I have little in common with her. Despite this, since she joined the family I have tried to be welcoming and warm to her. She has started selling some weight loss product that quite frankly looks like a pyramid scheme to sell snake oil to me. I disagree with both the marketing side of it and the product itself. She no longer posts Facebook updates about my niece and nephew or my husband's brother - only advertising posts about the product. Today she sent me a message, saying she'd like to send me some. I don't know if she wants to charge me or give me free samples. But either way, I will never use them and am shocked my brother in law is tolerating this nonsense. I need a polite but firm way of telling her thanks but no thanks.
I would ignore her message if I could, but she sent me two - the second was about this. The first was a question I have to respond to. So I can't pretend it didn't happen, as I'd like to.
Thanks everyone for your help!
Kasey, just so you know, I promise I will never be rude to her about it, which is why I wanted to ask for the best wording here. But my attitude won't change. This is the third or fourth scheme she has sunk her money into, and they don't have the money to do it - her husband lost his job and when he did get a new one, it was half the salary. I'd love to feel rosey about what she's doing, but I don't. I DO, however, keep my opinions to myself and say not one word of it to anyone but my husband. The times we've talked about it, I've enthused and wished her luck. She will never know how I feel. But no, I don't respect it.
And in terms if not joining family functions, we have really tried to reach out to her. We don't discuss politics or religion, ever! We know it's a landmine. She didn't let her husband even go to a very important family function because she didn't want to be alone with her kids for three days. She has never been on her own - lived with her parents right up to marriage - and I think she is afraid of us and of traveling. But even when my in laws visit her, she hides in her room for hours on end, leaving them alone, whatever - it's not my business what she does. But as the only other daughter in law, I do try to be there for her. Won't buy her stuff, though.
Yeah, shocked, tolerating, nonsense - overly dramatic. You're right. Not as big a deal as all that, but am surprised he's okay with it, nevertheless.
So many good answers! Persimmon, I think you hit the nail on the head. I actually AM eating paleo right now - nothing processed at all. Plagiarism, here I come! Thanks!
"Oh, Sweetie, that is so kind of you, but my doctor is very strict about what supplements I can take. I'd hate for you to waste time and money sending me samples that I simply can't use. Much love!"
Just tell her you prefer the products you already use, but thanks.. As for her religious and political beliefs, I wouldn't personalize what she does too much.. esp since she doesn't live close to you.. Something to consider, in the same way you don't share her beliefs, she might feel alienated by you.. which could be why she doesn't join in family functions. just something to consider..
I think it would be easy enough to reply with, "Hi Heaven'Leigh, it was so nice to hear from you. It's been such a long time. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in _____. I would love to hear how you and Ben and the children are doing, though."
wwwwweeeeelllll.....that sucks...I know a couple of people who are selling Plexxus.....I've said no thank you, firmly. Not that I don't need to lose weight but that's NOT how I want to lose weight.
What would I tell my sister in law? hhhmmm...might say something like:
Snarky....
"I'm sorry. I don't have a problem with my weight. Thanks for your concern."
Nicely...
"Sue, thank you. but NO THANK YOU."
"No thanks, Sara. I wish you luck in your business endeavors, but I am not interested in trying the product." That's what I came up with for my aggressive "It Works" friends/family. So far it's working for me ;-)
I have a cousin that sells, well god knows what it is this week. I just ignore any and all messages, texts, hell even snail mail, that has to do with her businesses. If she actually called me I would explain I am not interested.
I haven't read any of your responses yet, but after reading your SWH, I appreciate your feelings on everything you've said. Your SIL is an odd duck and will never understand the reality of how she makes your family feel with her eccentricities. But that doesn't mean that you have to do anything in regards to her weight loss stuff.
I have to admit that I would just not answer her message if it were on facebook. I have missed private messages before - saw them MONTHS after they were written. If it's an email, that's harder, but only if it were an email, would I write a few niceties, like how are Frank and the kids, hope you are all doing well, about the weight loss stuff, no thank you. Hope to see you all at some point...
Make the part about the products just THAT short, and the rest about hoping the family is doing well. That's it...
Good luck~
Ignoring her is not the solution. The best way to say no to someone selling something is to listen to their sales pitch. Seriously, if you listen to her then you can honesty say I've heard you, I understand what your saying but I am simply not interested. She has no where to go once she has done what she thinks she is supposed to do. In essence, it's closure and she can move on. Give her a time limit so she's prepared and then kindly say no thank you. If she can't accept no at that point it's all on her. You've done your family "duty" and all can go back to normal.
Regards,
M.
Just politely respond "no thanks I am not interested", keep it straight forward and to the point.
Just say: Thank you for thinking of me. It doesn't seem like something I would use, but I hope you make lots of sales.
She's not going to love it, but she needs to understand that she's going to get a lot more people saying no than people saying yes. I was a consultant for a home business and struggled with it a lot, especially since I couldn't get my friends and family on board. It was disappointing, but I certainly didn't hold it against anyone.
Finally, while I don't think you need to support her, I do think you need to change your attitude about what she's doing. To say that her husband is "tolerating" it is pretty degrading. Just because you don't believe in the product doesn't mean she can't. I understand that you think it's a bad product, but you still shouldn't put her down for selling it. Politely decline using the product, but keep your opinions about the product and the company to yourself.
Just tell her 'Thanks for thinking of me but no I'm not interested in this product. Best of luck"
Tell her you don't need weight loss products; you prefer good old fashioned diet and exercise-per your doctor's orders-to keep weight off.
Ask her how she is, tell her you miss seeing the kiddos on FB, and wish her well.
I just say I do not mix my business with friends or family.
Just keep saying no thank you and if it is some health supplement.... you have a good Dr. reason not to take it.
Years ago some Shaklee rep sold me some drink and I got so sick throwing up that I was at the Dr office twice and lost about 5# in 2 days. I had 1 drink and was sick that long. I took it back to her and she had the gall to say it was her product removing toxins from my body and did not want to take it back. She did take it back after I told her I would take it to my Dr and have it analyzed, present her with by Dr. bills and make sure everyone I knew heard about her shyster products.
I didn't have weight to lose either. I've only been over 116# once and that was when I was pregnant. At that time, I dropped to about 105# which was not healthy for me.
You never know what is truly in those supplements that people try to sell like snake oil telling you have much better you will be. I thought I was going to die and I was borderline from being in the hospital. My Dr. told me to never ever take anything from anybody like that again.
It is amazing how the people in these schemes think they are helping others but their bottom line is the almighty $$$
Just say no thank you I don't buy weightloss products.
No thank you, I'm not interested in this product.
Just tell her "No thanks." That's polite and to the point.
I didn't read any of the responses, so I apologize if I repeat what someone else said. Why can't you say a simple, "No thank you." or "Thanks for thinking of me, but no thanks." I don't think you owe her an explanation for why and if she presses for one, be honest.
Is she financially hard up? I usually say my body reacts badly to synthetic foods and I have to be very careful how I eat. (which I do) usually that works. Also ask her " can you take me off the mailing list for this product...but definatly keep me on family updates, love you miss you"
I'd just simply tell her "Thanks, but I'm not looking to lose weight." Simple. You have no need for the product. Quite honestly, unless you've told her that you are looking to lose weight, it's rude of her to approach you with this product, basically saying that you could stand to lose a few.
Say thank you for the offer. I'm not interested. That should do it.
Wow, I wonder if your SIL is MY SIL, I'm in the same boat, so to speak. So I said, very politely on the phone to my brother, in a couple of different conversations, because he didn't really "hear" me the first time: No thanks, we don't have the funds for that right now, No Thanks, I don't need to lose any weight right now, No Thanks, I'm following my doctor's orders regarding my diet, etc. It took several phone calls, it's been about 4 months & we talk just about every week, but he finally "heard" me. I hope.
But I also say I'm really happy it's working for you guys. I'm happy that you are happy with how you are feeling & looking, etc. And the few times I check out Face Book, I will "like" her posts showing her weight loss pictures, but I don't comment on them. There are a couple of messages just from her, but since I'm a Face Book Idiot, I've just ignored them. If I'm ever asked directly, I'll just say I don't know how any of that works--which is the truth.
Unfortunately, my Mother has done a dozen versions of "get rich, sell whatever to your friends & family" over the years, so I've gotten good at evading the hard sell by changing the subject when I felt too pressured. And I'm ashamed to say when I was younger I would use the "my Husband" doesn't want me to do that line...and BOTH of us use that line to get sales people to stop with their nonsense.
The thing I hate about these schemes to sell stuff to friends & family is how they imply to the sellers that if your family/friends really loved you they would buy your products. THAT has always ticked me off.
Good Luck. The reality is that she'll eventually move on to another product & you will have to go through this again. You will start to feel like a broken record, always saying the same excuses because she won't hear your "No, Thank You". But the people who do sell these products, they never stop selling something, because they are the victims of their own disillusion.
PS the last conversation with my Mother--yeah you guessed it, she's trying the "product" because if it helps her lose the weight, she wants to start selling it in her area....& the cycle continues!
"No, thank you." I think you just need to be firm and direct and don't give her lots of excuses. About a year ago a friend of a friend got into selling stuff and and I looked at her catalog and said thank you for showing me, but I'm not interested. And did not talk to her about it again.
If you look up information on (example) Amway, you will find that a lot of people get sucked in to whatever product selling thing and then don't know how to get out, or they don't agree with the spouse, but they also don't know how to stop them, etc.
I have a very low-level relationship with some of my in-laws for various reasons. Just because she married into the family doesn't mean you will be close and that is OK. I like my SIL well enough, but I understand that she is a different person than I am or than my other SIL is and we just don't try to force relationships that arent' there. I respect her as my husband's brother's wife and she is always welcome here, moreso than her DH sometimes! (DH and his brother don't always see eye to eye.)
I agree with Jackie P, just keep it polite and simple. If she gets mad, then she gets mad. She will get over it. Good luck!
You don't need to be taking any products without investigating them, first of all.
Secondly, you should be clear that it's not a pyramid schedule if you get a product. Pyramids are illegal, and they don't involve the sale of a product - they involve money changing hands in investment schemes for a promised pay-off in the future. On the other hand, things that are sold through network marketing and direct sales are usually totally legitimate - whether it's a good product or whether the company has a good compensation plan is another subject, but that fact that it's sold through direct sales is not only not an indicator of a scam, it can often be the indicator of something beneficial - the company has a relationship with each customer, and there are far fewer levels of people getting paid than there are in the things you buy at the store. In fact, if you look at the model of most major corporations, that's much more of a true pyramid - the CEO gets the lion's share of the money, the executives get a piece, and the lowest level gets nothing and has no chance of advancing. Major financial experts like Suze Orman and Robert Kiyosaki have endorsed network marketing when (like anything else) it's done ethically and well. There are excellent companies that sell only through network marketing because they don't have to charge so much more for their products as when they go through the big retailers like WalMart or GNC or Target.
If you know the name of the product, I can check throughout my sources to see if it's snake oil, and by that I mean something that stimulates the central nervous system or has no oversight of its ingredients. It may well be a bogus product or at least have insufficient safeguards. I do question the practice of giving out free samples though - nothing that helps weight loss through proper nourishment and balanced nutrition is going to give you appreciable results in a short enough time that the samples would cover.
Since you don't see her often, I see no reason why you can't ignore her message. You can certainly ignore her posts. If she contacts you again and it's irritating, you can say you aren't interested. Or you can ask her to send you the clinical data on the products, including the clinical studies as well as the ingredient list, ask her where the product is manufactured (not just who distributes it), and ask whether the suppliers of the raw ingredients are providing a certificate of analysis to the manufacturing facility and what additional tests are done. Ask her the name of the Chief Scientific Officer so you can check out his credentials and his national ranking. Ask her if the company has the FDA Good Manufacturing Practices certification (not FDA approval - the FDA approves drugs but not supplements; the GMP is an appropriate indicator for food products.) If she's not dealing with a bogus product, she will have this info and will welcome your calm inquiry.
Sometimes it's best to ignore people, but sometimes it's best to ask intelligent questions that make the person examine what they are doing. If her products are legitimate AND she is well-trained by an ethical company, she will have all of this info and she will have an experienced training team above her who can help her get all this.
Let me know if I can help further with some of these questions and answers.
"I tried that and didn't like it. Thanks but no thanks. Perhaps you can send xxx some instead".
Not going to be a customer and here's a bone.
It's her FB page so your brother probably doesn't even know she's sending you the messages. "tolerating this nonsense" is a little dramatic. Annoying would be a better word. Whatever the case, just reply that you are not interested. You don't even have to say thanks. I hate when family members don't talk to you, or come to family things, but they sure remember you when they are trying to sell something.
Tell her you are perfectly happy with your body the way it is and you are offended that she would imply that you need to lose weight, that should shut her up hopefully.
You've gotten a lot of good possibilities for replies here. I just want to add that it's possible your SIL, if she's the kind who persists, may go ahead and send you some product or at least samples even if you give her a firm but polite no. She may think along the lines of "Oh, once you use a sample you will change your mind!...."
I'd think through what you would do if she does indeed send you something and how you plan to handle that. If you say nothing she might interpret that as "Yes" (there are folks who do just that, unfortunately). If she sends product and bills you, you have to send it back and be firmer with her, and if she sends samples, I'd probably say, "Sorry if my earlier reply wasn't clear -- I'm not interested in using Product X and I don't want you to run out of inventory on your samples so I'm returning these to you so you can pass them on to someone else." That costs you money of course, which is annoying, but having the samples or product land back in her mailbox may be the only way to get her attention.....
Of course I hope she won't send you stuff in spite of a nice "no" but I'd be ready with a response just in case she does. People who are invested in selling things sometimes lose all sense of proportion.
Just a simple 'no thank you' will do.
"Thanks for thinking of me, but it's not a good fit for me.
How are you guys doing? We missed you at the party. Any idea when you might be in town/the area? I'd like to set aside some time to visit with you. What are your thoughts?"
Be succinct, and then hit the communication ball right back into her court. Present her with a topic that she might feel obligated to reply to. Keep the conversation going.
Also, post to her FB a request for updates on the kids--"Hey, how are the kids doing?" You're probably not the only one who'd like to know.
PS. She could have some social anxieties that she hasn't mastered. Interacting with you so rarely couldn't make them better. Did HE tell you that she wouldn't let him go, or did you conclude on your own that it wasn't his choice? Maybe she wished he could stay with her, and he just decided to support his wife.
I am speaking as the "weird" sister-in-law who had some "issues" that kept me away for a bit. The response that I received made me want to stay away longer. It certainly changed my attitude to one with little feeling of obligation to attend certain events. I had to thicken up my skin pretty quickly as a new wife and decide that I just didn't care what they thought of me. Somewhat ironically, that is what's brought me around, just knowing to keep my guard up.
It's kind of easy to think that we're the good ones. If everyone thinks of her like you do, then she might think that SHE is the only one with good sense! (Not that you are WRONG, just that from her side, you guys could be the ones alienating her.) Her husband loves her. I don't like that you're speaking negatively from his voice toward his wife.
If you need to go beyond a simple no thank you. Add something like - I have an intolerance for X or I am on a high fiber diet and my doctor per my doctor. She should get the hint.
