How to Make My Daughter Take Responsibility for Her Actions

Hi Mamas,

I am needing help and guidance in dealing with my daughter. Stepdaughter actually. She is 13 years old and I have been a part of her life for the last 7 years. She had a rough upbringing because her mother was emotionally abusive towards her. When she was 10 her mom called my husband and told him to get his daughter because she didn't want her anymore. Then when she found out that she wouldn't be getting child support or welfare she wanted her back. The courts denied her fight for custody and a court appointed psychiatrist took her visitation away. My daughter hasn't seen or heard from her mom in over 3 years.

The problem in a nutshell is that she refuses to take responsibility for her actions. Everything is someone else's fault and it's usually mine. One example is that she won't put her name or date on her school work because everyone else doesn't. Even though the teacher wants the name and date on it, she won't because and I quote- the teacher doesn't check and the other kids don't do it either so why should I? It doesn't matter if it's the right thing to do, she's not going to do it because there isn't any consequences for her actions. When the teacher gives her a zero for not turning it in and finds out later that she did do the work, she just didn't have her name on it, she gets the same grade she would have if she had her name on it in the first place. And because she's smart and makes good grades a couple of zero's doesn't affect her overall grade. If I tell her to clean her room, she'll only clean the places I said, not everything. Shes so lazy that she'll throw her trash in the drawers instead of walking 3 steps to the trashcan. She had ants in her room by her trashcan and she sprayed them but instead of throwing the trash out, she just left it there until I told her to get it outside so no new ants come in. Then she gets an attitude with me when it's her fault! When she was raking the yard (her chores by choice because she said she liked to rake) she got pissy because her Dad asked her to do it, she only raked the inside of the yard and took 6 hours to do that little! If we ask her to do her chores, she takes forever to do them because she's mad that she has to do them. This has been going on for about 2 1/2 years. She and I weren't talking for the past 2 years because I was just fed up. I thought we had a breakthrough a few months back because we got into a huge fight and I told her that it was up to her to change. She said, why? I said, so we could be a family again and she said that she was never a part of my family. I gave her examples of everything I did for her. I threw her first birthday party when she turned 10. We planned our wedding on the weekend we had her. I had a C-section for the 2 little ones and we choose the day that she would be with us so she could share that experience. Her Dad worked nights and on the weekends so it really was just me with the kids. She broke down and apologized for the way she was acting and that she didn't realize all the things I did for her and that I was more of a mom to her than her real mom was. I thought I got my daughter back. But now it seems as if she's going back to her old ways again. She hates being told what to do but if we left it up to her, she wouldn't do it. If some of her clothes doesn't fit or she doesn't like them, she'll cut them up. Instead of buying new shorts she'll cut her jeans to make shorts. We have told her time and time again to stop cutting her clothes because there are people out there who can use them. But she doesn't care. It's all about her. Her Dad is a Shriner and he and I are very active with the Shrine Organization but all the charity work we do, doesn't rub off on her. If it doesn't benefit her she won't do it. How do you teach someone to be charitable and accountable when they just absolutely refuse? We've tried grounding, taking away privleges, taking clothes away, extra chores, no tv, no computer but it doesn't work. When she was cutting her clothes, we took the scissors away but she would get some from school and bring those home. We took away her makeup, then she started getting makeup from her friends. We took away her favorite clothes and then I found a letter that she wrote asking her friends for any clothes they had that they didn't want anymore. Instead of following the rules, she'd rather leech off her friends for things!

My husband and I don't know what to do anymore. I could go on and on with examples but hopefully you get the idea. She knows what she's doing, she just doesn't want to change and I don't know how to make her change. The only thing she cares about is how she looks. She'll lie to your face and you wouldn't even know it. She tells you what you want to hear. Does anyone have any advice? I have tried everything I can think of but nothing works. I have the love and logic book but that didn't work either! Thank you for any advice!