Hi moms,
I think I have done this to myself. I have a beautiful and smart little 3 1/2 year old boy. He can do anything he puts his mind to. I don't know if it is the age, or adjusting to a lot of the changes we have gone through (switching preschools, moving into a house, etc), but my son is just not that independent. It's probably my fault as sometimes I tended to do a lot of things for him, probably because it is faster, rather than have him do it himself. I am breaking myself of that habit. But it seems that he wants to be attached at the hip to me. I want him to be more self-confident, more independent. It is just me and him all the time outside of his preschool during the week. He is very loving and caring and usually well-mannered. But he has turned to the whining and crying over anything. And he has taken to giving up VERY easily. He likes to start writing the letters. He will write the first letter of another child's name, but when I try to get him to write his name, he says he can't do it and that he quits. I am very encouraging with him and do one or two with him, but I just don't know what to do anymore to make him feel more confident and independent. Any of you moms have any ideas?
Thanks for all of the responses. I am not so worried about him writing the letters, that was just an example. But I am going to try to let him help me more around the house and take an active part rather than me doing what I need to do and him off playing in his playroom or whatever. Thanks for all of the advice!
Buy a MagnaDoodle for him and let him just draw on that. I also buy a car sized version so my kids have something to draw on in the car. I would not press him to try to write his letters. Sometimes kids (especially boys) at that age have not quite developed the fine motor skills needed to write their letters and it can really be difficult for them.
Some of the letters in his name are difficult to write/form. You may use a yellow highlighter to write his name-upper and lowercase letters (so he doesn't have to re-learn how to write it correctly) like Nicolas. Then he can trace over the letters. Do this for a month or so, and then you will begin to notice that he can form the letters on his own. Accept what he produces, it may not be correct at first, be he will get it. Just like the first time one attempts to sew a dress (or some other project)it will look a little rough around the edges, but with more practice you can produce something you are proud to wear. He is smart enough to know that it does not look like what he knows the finished product should look like. Be encouraged.
Your son sounds wonderful. My four year old get frustrated very easily. He want to try to make something and when he can't get things to come out the way he envisioned them he gets anxious. Four is about the age to start right letter. He sounds smart and is way above the curve so if he has had as many changes in his life as you say he has, pushing him to try to do things my not be that best for him. Lay off for a day or two and then try it again. I always try to tell my son that he will get better at things the more he trys orthat he will never learn how to do things if he doesn't try. The important thing is to try.
It sounds like he gets more attention when he whines than when he doesn't. Think about it.
We are in almost the same situation with our son. Both my husband and I are very independent people. It's been interesting to watch our son the past few years - he is a follower by nature. He's a wonderful kid, but his instincts are more to follow what other kids are doing than to be a leader. That's OK with us.
He's doing the same things as your son. Things he used to know at the top of his mind a few months ago, he now says, "I don't know". We chalk it up to being 3 and being more engaged in other things that distract him.
I agree with Kelly K that I wouldn't press him too much right now to form his letters. It's early. If he wants to, great. We're pleased that our son knows his and can annunciate them, but he's just not dextrous enough to write them and loses his attention quickly if we press.
Our is also getting clingy to me. Not sure why. He wants me to hold him all the time. We have to remind him that all the things he wants to do as a "BIG BOY" means he has to do them on his own.
Good luck. You are not alone.
As a former preschool teacher, I'm telling you, CONSTANTLY tell him, "You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to." I don't care if you have to say that 500 times a day. I also NEVER allowed the "C" word.
If kids - and even when I coached at the collegiate level" told me they "couldn't"........I would remind them that the word was NOT allowed and make them REPEAT to me that they could do it, however, they just either needed help or just needed a break - and sometimes, especially when it comes to physical skills they DO need a break. DON'T let the "break" phrase become a cause for giving up though.
As you are driving and talking, ask about things you see along the way..."stoplight". What letter would "stoplight" begin with? Give him a letter to find.."S" like in "STOP". There are TONS of signs on businesses and finding letter shouldn't be that hard. AND.....it gives them something to DO!
Remember to tell him how smart he is when he finds them. Use stop lights/signs to start math. How many stoplights to get to the grocery store? Then, after he masters that....use it for subtraction. IT WORKS! I started doing this with Abbie when she was 3. She's now 7 and excels at spelling AND math.
In addition, you might look into the LEARNING LEAPFROG set that has letters, phonics, capitals, lower case, words, etc. It gives you sounds, shows you how to write the letter and gives you a chance to practice it. THIS IS PHENOMINAL! I think it was a HUGE factor in giving her an excellent start.
When it comes to things around the house, let him help...i.e. setting the table, putting clothes into the dryer, etc. THEN, little by little, give him SMALL tasks to do on his own, even if you are right beside him. The more you do something, the more confidence you gain. Doesn't change even as an adult!
I now have a 7 year old who thinks she's an expert at cooking and working out, besides reading, spelling and math.
Remind him how much you need his "help". This builds confidence, too. Everyone needs to be needed rather than NEED to be connected at the hip.
DO NOT ALLOW WHINING. If they whine, they DON'T get whatever it is they are whining about. I remind them that whining is not allowed or appropriate, nor will I respond to it. You learn to ASK...communicate. Talk about appropriate words, emotions, actions, etc. Give him ALTERNATIVES to the whining, etc. Unfortunately, there are adults who STILL haven't learned this!
I have a little boy who is 4 almost 5. We did go through and are going through a very similair thing. I like you blame myself quite a bit. It is easier to do things for him and quicker. He is a procrastinator and dawdler. I have been trying to break the habit by leaving more time before we have to leave. Giving him encouragement and praising even minor accomplishments. I do wonder if he does the giving up thing and self doubting because he believes it or just to get that attention. Just stay consistant and good luck.
Look into trying some Montessori methods. We don't do totally Montessori (wish I could) 'cause the materials can be pretty expensive and I just don't have the space/shelfing. Plus it's very hard with 3 young ones! Anyway, the Montessori lessons we have done/do are some of the more important ones. Everything (the materials) ties in together but you can still do just part Montessori. My Mom-in-law is a Montessori teacher and she has given me loads of advice. One thing she did say is that when you're giving a lesson and the child starts to lose it, don't push to go on. So if he(your son) only wants to write one name or even just one letter, leave it at that. Sounds to me like you are doing wonderful though. You're right, sometimes it's just us parents that want it now and not have to wait. When my 2 eldest girls want to help me cook, I try to prepare for at least double time. Believe me, I know we can't always do that. Now I'm rambling, sorry! Try Montessori though. I think you'll (and he) like it.
