How to Make Him Feel More Welcome.

You might say things to him like a gentle, "You can have these snacks, too. They're for everyone." Or have you said, "I know it's been a hard year and it might be awkward to be living with another family sometimes, but I wanted you to know we like having you here. If there's something I can do to make you feel more at home, please let me know."

It sounds to me like he's trying very hard and maybe acknowledging that you appreciate it and like him will help him. He's probably trying to prove he is worthy of staying.

I think you just need to keep at it and keep saying and showing that you consider him family. Maybe not use the word "family" as he might be too raw from his mother's death for that (his heart may scream "you're not my family, I don't have any family my mom is gone!") but more along the lines of "our home is your home."

He may not be letting himself break down the boundaries and really integrate into your home as an unconscious defense mechanism. Perhaps by letting himself feel like a guest, it makes the reality and finality of his loss something he can avoid for a bit longer?

When my SD moved in with us when she was 13, she acted like a guest for a long time. And this was someone who was living with her biological father, step-mom and step-brother who she had known for 10 years, and 2 half-brothers. Someone who spent every weekend and many school vacations at our house. But there was something about the finality of moving in with us, of moving away from her mother, that put her into "guest mode." Asking permission to have a snack or waiting to be offered one. Asking if it was OK to take a shower. When I would throw out my weekly "I'm going grocery shopping is there anything special you all want" she would never chime in with what she wanted. Getting a list of things like her favorite cereal, snacks and lunch items was like pulling teeth. She needed clothes and personal care items but wouldn't tell us, even when asked. We looked at the sorry state of her laundry and finally I just had to take her to Target and tell her to pick out underwear, bras, socks, shampoo, deodorant, hair accessories, etc.

For this year, for Christmas, I would get him some gift cards today to stores that are popular with kids his age in your area or Amazon. That way although he hasn't been able to articulate what he would like, there is no denying that you are treating him equal to your children regarding gifting. So if you spent $200 on your kids but only $50 on him, get him $100-$150 in gift cards so that he can order things on-line or go to the mall with friends and pick out what he likes.

He sounds amazing. He is trying to stay out of everyone's way by showering early, he's tiptoeing around so as not to disturb, etc. He's showing extreme gratitude in every way.

It takes a long time to stop feeling like a guest and like a family member. It's particularly difficult to "substitute" a new family when one has been through a loss.

Why not give him a gift basket of the types of snacks you'd like him to have? That makes it clear that they are for HIM. He can put them in his room. Give him a set of towels just for himself - he's using yours but he feels like he's imposing. Give him a closet organizer or a mirror for the back of the door. Give him shirts for work or warm gloves. Give him a set of movie tickets so that go, with friends or with you all as a group.

Friends of mine took in a high school student when his parents suddenly moved out of the country. There was not much warning - 30 days. It took a good year of consistent, steady, not-too-heavy-handed attention to get him feeling confident and not like a burden. There's a tremendous sense of abandonment in young people like this - this poor guy has lost his mother. He's going to take a while to transfer his feelings of belonging to someone new - there's always a fear that there will be another loss, that he won't be wanted by you. That's why he's walking on eggshells.

Just be sure he has plenty of things to open - and make them similar things to what you are giving your children of similar ages so he sees that he is normal and not a burden to you.

You're doing a wonderful thing - just give it time and consistency.

I would ask your daughter, because they are so close. Maybe she has some insight into what you can do to make him feel that your home is his home as well.

You don't say his age.
What makes you think he's not comfortable? He's doing what you want kids to do - pitching in and helping. Do you want him to be a slob and lazy? I wouldn't necessarily assume he doesn't feel welcome. He sounds just grateful.

I'd say you let him be and don't fuss over him. Perhaps the cleaning up after himself is just his upbringing. It had to come from somewhere and it is much better than him not doing so.

I have a nephew that was kicked out of his parents house at seventeen. I am not certain of everything that he did, but I know a couple of families took him in and ended up asking him to leave after a short week. The things I kept hearing were he is a bad influence on my kids. With that, I think you should respect and accept him for who he is and in time he will relax a bit.

I am sure he is at a point in his life right now that he realizes that material things are not so important.

Best wishes.

I don't know how to help, although I'm sure part of this is him being used to being the one who is responsible and trying to be the best for his mother. I know people who are afraid that if they screw up, their parents will fly off and not love them anymore, he may be in a similar boat with his mother's issues and her passing away the way she did, perhaps he is afraid if he's not perfect, you won't want him anymore.

One thing I would do is to keep all of the money he gives you to give him when he moves out, so he has something to start off with. I'm not sure what else you're doing with your children's money, unless they're older than 18 you should be providing for them, not making them pay for you to keep them. Perhaps he's afraid that if he doesn't pay enough, you won't want to keep him anymore?

I hope that you know him well enough, as he lives with you, to know the kinds of things that he likes. Does he have some kind of sweet that he loves, or is he really into the guitar? You can get him gift cards to his favorite stores or restaurants. Even as a teen I loved restaurant gift cards.

I think you need to consider this idea. Is he just "staying with us until he graduates high school" or are you taking him in and making him a forever part of your family?

There's a huge difference. If he's just a good kid that some day you won't know where he is or if he's even still alive then you're doing fine and more.

If he's been invited to be part of your family forever then you need to include him in family pictures, get him gifts just like the other kids, if he has no specific needs buy him a suit for church, a navy jacket to wear with his khaki's, some ties to wear so he can pass sacrament, does he have nice scriptures?, there are lots of things he could use and having presents to open is still special.

I'd buy him some music that is written and performed by members of your church so you know it's uplifting and clean....if LDS Janice Kapp Perry, Lindsey Sterling (AWESOME), NEON TREES (ALSO AWESOME), and maybe a way of playing them in his room.

You might have to sit down with him and reiterate several times that he's part of your household and you care about him, to what extent depends on what your relationship goal with him is. If it's he's part of your family then perhaps that's something you might want to make formal.

I think he is being a good house guest but as you said he doesn't feel completely comfortable. My biggest concern would be he doesn't feel comfortable grabbing a snack or food.I'm sure you've had hearts to hearts with him but I'd try it again and just focus on one or two things...we want you to feel you can help yourself to any food / snacks in the house.

Christmas ideas - did your DD give you ideas ?

Oh wow, that's amazing. You guys are amazing, and he is amazing. It is a unique situation, and I wouldn't force him to feel like a part of the family. This will probably happen more naturally over time. There is a boundary up, and it may be his own boundaries. Don't try to break them down, just work with him and meet him halfway until he is more comfortable and assured of his place. Give him gifts cards if he doesn't feel comfortable asking for anything. Make special snack baskets just for him, with the same stuff everyone else gets, but this will help him feel more comfortable with actually eating them. Make sure he knows he is included in events by verbally inviting him every time, instead of expecting him to just know. What a wonderful thing you have done for this young man, and I'm sure you will be his family for the rest of his life. God Bless You!!

Hi E.,

What a tremendous thing for you to do. I can't add much to the considered responses below but I will suggest one thing. Families are less about blood as they are about shared experiences.

At the risk of spending your money for you, have you considered including him in a family vacation? Even if it's just a long weekend, sharing stories of this sort of shared experience may help to bridge the gap you're feeling.

He may always guard his conduct in a way that gives you pause but know that relationships take time to cultivate. Keep loving him and reassuring him and validating him and communicating with him as best as you can and I am sure he'll dovetail with your family at his own pace.

He's blessed to have you all and it's people like your family doing things like this that restores my at times withering faith in humanity.

Happy Holidays!! S.

E.,
I just wanted to say what a wonderful thing you are doing. I read your last post, when you actually took him in and what happened. IMO, you are the key to this whole thing. This boy had had a huge burden put upon his shoulders his entire life. He really never had a mother, that took care of HIM. I would just bet, if you would wrap your arms around him, and show him a real mother's love, that the walls would come down. He is behaving in your home, like he had to in his own. He needs to know that it's OK to not wash every dish or to sleep in sometimes. He doesn't need to be perfect. He doesn't have to be the one responsible for everything 24/7. Can you take him out for coffee or dinner, and sit down and tell him all these things that you are worried about, just the 2 of you? I'd just bet if you really stressed to him that you want him to be comfortable in your home, he would let his hair down. Also, he might be trying to be perfect so that he doesn't "mess up" and not get to live with you anymore. He is still very young and I'm sure confused about the future. Hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas.