How to Keep It Together in a Marriage on the Rocks

I would recommend staying and getting yourself support from other strong women who can help you to get past the fairytale image of married life. Get in a bible based Church, if you are not ready for that type of committment then purchase this book called the five languages of love. Instill your values that you want in your husband in your son. No matter our beginning, with the right molding and encouragement, we can train our children to be the best we want for them. Cherish that love and innocence that your son still has for his dad. Prepare him now through day to day living to accept his father as he is. We are not perfect parents and we make mistakes, that doesn't mean we don't love them. Divorce doesn't solve problems, but creates them. If your husband is not out chasing skirts, boozing it in the clubs, beating you or your son, gambling, or placing anything else before the needs of the house, no an occassional beer or night out with the guys doesn't count, or too much tv or computer time either-because he is still home. We married women have to stick together and make it no matter what. We have good husbands, who may have missed mom's lesson on how to treat your wife, so she'll know you love her. Whatever the reason that we fell in lust with our spouses, they are ours for keeps. Check out the moments together for couples website, you might like it. If all else fails, emal me at ____@____.com. I check my email throughout the day.
Have a great day being married.

Sometimes as we get older we grow without noticing it, 20 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and just let it go. My advise about the future, you can save and invest and lose it just as fast and become homeless. Listen if I was in your shoes I would go and talk to someone a therapist they are with on your insurance or you can go to one and get on a sliding scale fee they are out there you can even look in the phone book under christian ones non christian many to choose from but I'd talk to someone and not a family member a family member can get to involved and emotional to really help you (been there done that). Stuck is a temporary situation and it's never too late to plan for the future you can even do it without him having any input if you like. My best wish to you but please go and talk with someone. If you go forward with a divorce or not you really need to talk to someone to make a healthy plan on how to proceed or not to proceed with your situation and most important how to hand this situation with your child.

I would never consider counseling a waste of time no matter where you are in your relationship. If you're ready to walk, counseling can help you understand a deeper aspect to exactly why things and people are the way they are and how your life ended up being where it is today. There's something to be said about having a deeper understanding of things.

A., if the love is one-sided or no longer there, respect the feelings you both have and discuss it with him. Let him know the unfairness you feel and how your hopes for something different didn't come to pass. See where he's at with his life.

It could be that he's waited all these years to do something about moving forward until you said something about it. Some men are like that. Most aren't but certainly some are.

As for your son, I'd discuss it if he asks or if he gives an indication that he's noticing this dreamer attitude in his dad (missed appointments for a father/son outing, talking about taking him camping and never does). Let your son choose the moment that you guys sit down and discuss it unless YOU notice that he's having some of the same 'symptoms' of being a dreamer that your husband has.

If your son does show signs of it, work on this with your him by introducing goal-setting. When he gets into the habit of setting and meeting goals, he'll then begin to see things in his dad that he'd like to see changed and could perhaps be a positive influence in getting dad to get his head out of the clouds.

The divorce decision is yours alone to make. It was for me. I finally realized that my own soul needed to be fulfilled and joyful and it just wasn't with my ex. So I made the choice to move on with my life for MY sake and no one else's. Change is hard but not impossible to re-adjust to for you or your son.

Ouch. This sucks, huh?

Sometimes as moms, we're the ones that have to make the hardest choices, don't we. This might be one of those choices. Have you told your husband that this is what you're considering doing? I noticed you said you thought about divorcing this man. Does HE know how where you're really at emotionally now? Do you think that if you were to just level with the man and tell him truly how you feel, would he respond well to this, or is he just too much of a ninny. I know others have probably suggested this, but is marital counseling an option?

Something you need to consider, A., is the environment that your little one lives in right now. You mention that your son and his father get along famously, and that's great, but is the strife between you and your husband readable through all the fun and games between father and son? Fun and games are all great, but if there is just not a real secure foundation under the boy's feet, in my opinion, that's what you need to provide. If divorcing the dad is the only real option, then sometimes that's the choice that needs to be made.

Do you have any friends or family to count on right now? Where do you live?

E.

Before you had waited until you were no longer in love with him to address the issues I would have said seek some counceling together but you are already to the point of having your mind made up and counceling will just be a waste of money,time and effort on everyone's part. I think it's going to affect your child a great bit but I also think you should discuss things with him before making a big decision. I dont mean tell him all though, he's not an adult. But prepare him for what's to come and try to explain the best way you can.And I think that when you no longer are in love with someone and are wanting out you should also tell that person first before you draw up papers. Your husband has the right to know that your making a decision that is affecting you all and have a chance to help himself rather than it being a shock. It honestly sounds like he has done nothing directly wrong for you to up and decide your done. Sounds like it's you who is wanting new things and I dont think you should use your husbands faults to justify you wanting a divorce when talking to your son. You knew who your husband was and like you said,He hasent changed.It's ok to feel the way you are but b/c you have 2 other peoples lives who you will be affecting greatly by your sudden change of heart so I think you should do this without pointing blame and without malice. You should also get your son some couceling so that he won't have any pent up anger towards anyone and won't think it's him. You also talked like your WANTING your son to take your side on this and realize that who his dad is drove you away. I think that is bad route to take and no matter how angry either one of you get over this it should never be done in front of your child nor should either of you blame it on the other and try to make your son choose sides.I have always asked my husband that if he ever got to a point that he didnt want to be with me anymore to 1: not just stick around for the kids and 2: to atleast give me the benefit of knowing so that I can also seek happiness elsewhere. And I'd show the same respect to him. Although we arent even close to that and I solely believe we are going to be the old couple type I love him enough to want him to be as happy as possible. And as long as you and your husband have been together the best you both can do is respect each others feelings and wish each other the best no matter what.I also want to add that you mentioned that he has a carefree attitude on life and never plans. I just want to tell you that sometimes the best part of a couple being togther is that they even each other out. For ezample, my husband is what I like to call a provider...he takes no help and works hard to provide. I on the other hand have never worked more than a month in my whole life but I am the nurturer. I do the kids and the house and the pet fish,the boo boo's and I work hard to keep my husband in a good mood. Over the years he's picked up some of my qualities and I have his and some of his I beg for him to change but for us the more something annoyes us about one another the more we'd miss it if they were gone. I learned to love everything about my husband good and bad.And the only reason Id EVER leave my husband is if he had an affair....that's it.Though some things like him ALWAYS being blantly honest and the way he never throws his dirty clothes after work in the hamper drives me bonkers...I love that I can always trust him and I'd rather be picking up his clothes than not. All I'm saying is if your divorcing just b/c he's not like one of the guys on desperate housewives as long as he isnt blantly hurting you with his actions..he's a good catch.And just keep everyone eles's feelings in mind when going through this process. Good luck to you and your family.

You are very brave to share so much of your heart with others. I commend you on that.
I think your question poses many different answers most of which are based on personal belief.
Because of the sensitivety of ones on beliefs I am not going to go into a lot of detail BUT if your are a believer... a christian that is,I wholly suggest reading "created to be a helpmeet" by Debi Pearl.
There in lies my answer to your difficult question.
I send out prayers of encouragement to you and your family...M.

I know this is going to sound harsh in a day and time when everything is relative and everyone and everything tells you to do what "feels good," but marriage is a very serious thing. When you said your vows you promised before man and God to honor and cherish this man until death. You may not "feel" loving towards this man but love is a choice, not just a feeling. My belief is that if you choose to have the right attitude and stick it out you will be better off in the end. I'm not saying it won't be easy but I think so many people take the easy way out these days rather than seeking out other alternatives. Maybe you could suggest marriage counseling to your husband. Let him know your not happy but you're committed to him and the marriage and you're willing to work it out. The high divorce rate in this society just makes me so sad. Please don't be another statistic!! Think about it and pray about it before you act too hastily.

A., what a dilemma. I guess it really depends how badly you want to get rid of him. I mean, if he physically bothers you (like you can't stand to see him around and you hate the way he eats, he smells, he jokes etc..) then the situation is bad enough, but it dosn't seem that way. I personally think you lost respect of the man (a long time ago), just like many women do after getting married. Men are weak creatures, they never really grow up and we will always feel one-up. But you have been married for so long... My grandmother has been married for 50 years (not always happily) and her example thought me that family is all that matters and it's important to stick together thru the obstacles of life. Being a woman is the hardest job on hearth. Whatever you choose, best of luck!

First off Im a believer that marriage is Forever. Everything is fixable, just because he's not a planner?? Is that really a reason to throw away 20 years? That sounds to me like he's a spontanious person, how fun!! Sounds to me like you need to rekindle what was and is still there, it's just hiding a little.
Life sometimes gets in the way, so make some time for just you two. We all go through hard times with our spouses but if we can just stick through it there is light at the end of the tunnel. The grass is always greener on someone else's lawn and then we mozey on over there for a taste and then we realize "oh, their grass is just like mine".
I hope you don't give up and I hope you find that being carefree is actually a pretty cool thing, especially in this go go go world we live in.
Good Luck to you and your family