Hi mommas, hoping you can offer some words of wisdom for me.
One of my classmates, a girl of 19, recently got dumped by her boyfriend of 8-9 months. It turns out he was her first relationship, and they had gotten quite serious (not sexual), talking about marriage within a year. She was devastated.
She and I are pretty close, and I have a part momma-hen/part big sister relationship with her, due to our differences in age. She has been turning to me quite a bit in the past few weeks looking for someone to talk to and give advice on what to do. (I know she has also confided with her own mom, and tells me her mom says many of the same things I do)
I can remember my own feelings when I was her age, going through similar relationship struggles. I have tried to share my experience, let her know I understand where she is at right now, etc. My years of experience help me to know that it's not the end of the world, but I do also remember what it was like to feel like my entire world had just ended.
Apparently, he told her some very unkind things when he ended it, most of which shows that he was being self-centered and trying to minimize his role in hurting her by throwing it back to her.
I'm concerned, because she is internalizing this breakup quite hard, and is having a hard time seeing herself as a good person, as well as being able to recognize that he wasn't perfect. She confided that she didn't want the breakup, & her heart is still wishing for the relationship; as a result she is having a hard time protecting herself from the negative emotions her feelings are generating.
I have encouraged her to talk with the counselors on campus, and now that summer is here, to see if she can talk with someone through her insurance. I'm genuinely worried for her, and will continue to provide all the support & encouragement I can.
Has anyone been through something like this with their daughter, that can help me find the right things to say, or suggest something I haven't thought of? I do appreciate all of your wisdom, thanks in advance! T.
Thanks all for your responses, I really appreciate it.
Theresa, you're a hoot! I think that's a great approach - stop focusing & start living again, short & sweet.
Shrugs, tough break for HIM! That guy in the third row in class is kinda cute though.....
:)
You have done well to be there for her to lean on. Now it is time for her to find new hobbies and friends. Suggest that she look at what her life plan is and to begin to work it. Her self-esteem has been rocked by what he has said to her but she needs to know and learn that people say mean things when they want to get away or break up so the other person will let go.
Time heals the heart and right now the wound is wide open and oozing. If she can go bowling or swimming or something that is fun she should do it.
The counseling is a good way or place for her to start.
I have just kind of gone through this with my adult daughter and she lives in a different state than I. The young man decided he wanted to end the relationship and texted daughter. A good six weeks later he is texting again and she returned it with comments that we nice but let him know that he is not welcome to come back into her life. In fact a couple of other males have contacted her and she is now moving on with her life.
All will work out it just takes time.
the other S.
She needs her girlfriends.
Less time for moping, more time for going out and having fun - bowling, yoga, art class, martial arts - what ever sounds fun for her.
She has to realize that things broke up not because of her or anything was wrong but he and she were just not meant for each other.
Guys often take a long time to mature (many are not ready to settle down till their early 30's).
She'll always remember him - maybe even fondly (not the break up part) - but he's a speed bump in her life - he gave her a jolt, she'll be unsettled for a bit but then life goes on and there are LOT'S more fish in the sea!
She should not be in a rush for one steady relationship just yet.
When she's ready to date again she should play the field, guard her heart a bit better, and enjoy being young and unattached.
don't try to fix it for her. or fluff her up too much. listen to her- really listen- and ask leading questions so she can work through it herself.
most people are way more interested in talking (ie advising) than listening. someone whose heart is broken needs to be heard.
khairete
S.
I read all of the responses. First of all, it takes a lot of time...
Second, it depends on what type of kid she is. If she has a low self-esteem of herself or is co-dependent...Then, she is probably extra devastated. If she is a typical kid, then, she will get over it in time.
A counselor would be great ! They are trained and would be able to help...I was an obese kid. When I lost the weight in middle school, I still had a low self-esteem from being bullied for 3 yrs day in and day out.
For me, I lived for attention due to my past.
A counselor will be able to see how much assistance she really needs. In the meantime, be there for her.
My DD - while still reeling from a biological mental health issue - found herself in the midst of a breakup with her boyfriend. It was an excrutiating time. They're in pain, they feel unloved, they want to feel the hurt physically it seems. My daughter began to cut around this time so it got worse. We did get her into counseling - she needed a voice of reason that wasn't her mom. We also got her on medication - SSRI - antidepressants to help get her brain chemistry straightened out.
But ultimately the only thing that really helps is time. For a young woman getting dumped in this visceral thing. Their heart is so hurt it feel physically painful. So until time has begun to heal the wounds the msot you can really do is be a friendly ear, remind her of her positive attributes, encourage her to do physical things that will help get her endorphines moving through her body. Crying is not a bad thing as that will also release endorphines. Dont' lie to her - she'll know that she doesn't look like a model if she's 20 pounds overweight - but encourage her to recognize her wonderful attributes - her gorgeous eyes, or her loyalty, her kind heart, etc. Often we just want someone to tell us it wil be OK, it will be painful for now - but it will be OK.
Call her up and insist that you're going on a walk together, or riding bikes or something that gets up moving. A walk is the best - you get to talk and walk. If she doesn't start getting better in a week or 2 then she needs to see a doc and get antidepressants - if only for a little while.
