Hi J.
My husband was in the Navy for 27 years. My father was in the navy for 22 yrs. So I have a little bit of experience in this area. On both sides of the equation.
My dad only had two years of sea duty, but he was gone for pretty much the entire two years (during Viet Nam.) I remember the years that my dad was gone... but, honestly, I don't remember it being terribly traumatic for me. It was the 70s and Dads weren't really as interactive as they are now so that may have something to do with it. I don't remember him leaving (I was 7) but I remember him coming home.
My husband was gone A LOT when my three children were growing up. He had 10 yrs of sea duty and even on shore duty, he was gone an awful lot. I once calculated that he had been gone for more than half of our married life. We also moved, on average, every two years. When my children were really young they would act up when when my husband would leave and also when he returned. I understood the returning part, because I was always the stricter of the two of us. (Would have been that way whether he was in the navy or not.) The leaving part puzzled me, though, because the softy just left! lol It's my belief that kids are unsure of how things are going to be with Daddy gone and are testing the limits.
My strategy was to keep everything as consistent for them as possible, whether their father was coming or going. Same routine, rules, consequences, etc. I had to get my husband on board with this plan. He really hated disciplining-- especially when he first returned home. He got the first day off, but after that, he had to jump in. They needed to know that the rules, etc didn't change with his coming and going. It worked well. Very quickly they would realize that the world wasn't going to fall apart and things will go on as usual. As they got older they expected things to remain the same when Dad was gone... and there was no acting out. They expected that things would remain the same when Dad returned and there was no acting out.
I have witnessed MANY navy wives excuse everything their child does with "He/She misses Daddy." Of course they do! But giving them an excuse for any poor behavior is asking for trouble. And those women had a much, much harder time during deployments because their children were out of control. Then, when their husband returned... he was the "bad guy." Not really fair to him and not a happy homecoming.
When my children were sad about missing their dad in calm moments -- when they were NOT being disciplined for something -- we talked about it and sometimes wrote him a letter, listened to a tape that he had recorded for them, maybe did an art project for him, or baked him some cookies, etc. But when they complained about missing Daddy when they were being disciplined, my response was always "Yes, I know you miss him. I miss him too." Period. I was calm and empathetic but I didn't pack my bags and go on a guilt trip! I wasn't insensitive to their feelings. We did lots of things to help them deal with their feelings on a daily basis. But they were still expected to follow the same rules.
I know, from experience, how difficult deployments are. But you can get through it. And I believe the more you keep things consistent, the easier it is for everyone. Communications have improved dramatically, even since my husband was last deployed (not that long ago.) So that should help a lot. Get Skype if he has access to the internet (it's free.) If you have a video camera, have him video tape reading books to her. If not, use a tape recorder -- or do both and use the voice recording at bedtime as she falls asleep. Send letters often. There are lots of things that you can do.
Also... if you're near the Navy base... Join the Wive's Club!!! They are all in the same boat (no pun intended) and can be a valuable resource. For my husband's first sea tour (two deployments) my friend (who I met at through the Wive's Club) and I would often trade cooking. Sometimes we'd eat at her house and sometimes mine. Nothing fancy. Just stuff we would be making anyway. But it gave each of us a break sometimes and we kept each other company (a conversation with an adult!!!) And we did things together that we would have otherwise done as families, with our husbands... the zoo, the beach, the park, etc. We would also sometimes get babysitters and go to out to dinner or to a movie or whatever. After that first sea tour, I always made it a point to find someone to be my "cruise buddy" -- it really does help and the time goes by faster.
Good luck to you!
