My 10-yr-old has a friend we invited to his birthday party - 3-hr pool party. We are friends with the parents and the kids have known each other for several years, but in recent year or so, the other boy has been difficult ot have around - - behavior issues. Now Dad of child asks if we can keep him after the party to play for 3 hours so they can work out picking him up into their work schedule. Would like to say yes, but it feels very stressful! Advice?
Thanks so much everyone for your responses! The boy is a good friend of DS, so I knew he would love extending the party with a friend over, which made it all the harder to say "No." But, after talking it over with DH, we decided the bottom line was our own sanity and stress level, and it all just seemed too much. So we said "no" to the extended time after the party. I spoke with our friends and they are a-OK with this-- they have other options.
Feeling great about the decision. Thanks again to everyone who answered.
If you don't want to do it just say "no, it is not a good time. We have other plans for after the party"
"No" is a complete sentence.
If you are open to this (and I agree that you can say no), how about feeding them some sandwiches and then plopping them in front of a movie. Chances are after a 3 hour pool party they will be hungry and exhausted! Feed them and let the relax in a dark room. Maybe they'll even fall asleep?
What does your son want to do? You've already invited this difficult-to-manage child to a 3 hour event so how are you managing him for that time period? So is he that much of a friend that you are enduring it? Or does your son not care all that much and is inviting him out of habit?
I think a 6 hour day is long for anyone, so feel free to say you just can't manage another 3 hours on top of the 3 hour party. You don't have to say anything about their son - just say it's going to be way too much for you and YOUR son, overstimulation, clean up, etc. You have to clean up, and you cannot supervise the pool (safety issue), blah blah. Don't make a long explanation, just say it's not possible for you to provide supervision and you hope they can work something out.
You can suggest that they can have a sitter pick up their son or perhaps send him off with another family who is picking up another party guest (and who has had a 3 hour break!). Otherwise it's okay if their son doesn't come. You are not responsible for their child care arrangements. You don't have to get into the issues with their child - just make sure that you send ALL the kids home and don't let anyone else stay late.
Unless you really want to keep the kid for 3 more hours, tell the parents sorry not this time. Whenever one of SD's friends would be invited, we knew we either couldn't plan much after the visit (waiting on her folks) or we would have to take her home. When she was old enough to go home and wait, we would offer to take her home ourselves after the event. Is he capable of waiting at home for a few hours?
I fall into the "what if I needed the help" category.
I'll do it once, and if I get burned...then I'm done.
But in this case, it sure would be nice if it were me that needed to work around a schedule. And they must feel comfortable asking, which I think means you can note some behavioral challenges in return, after that day.
Pool party is at your house? Or a public pool.
Is this on a weekday? ( you referenced work schedules)
Does not keeping him after mean he'll miss the party completely?
Is he a pretty close bud if your son?
Those are all things is take into consideration.
IME, kids are keyed up after a party, parents are exhausted.
A kid for him to hang with after the party is a bonus in my book.
At 10, do they need constant supervision?
Three hours is a long time to stay AFTER the party. If they're friends, though, and the parents are trying to work it out, it might not be a terrible idea. If you can see your way through it, ask your child if he/she wants to have this friend stay for a bit. If that answer is yes, set your expectations and make them known to kids and parents. After all that time in the sun and pool, they might want to just crash. If you allow that in your TV room, then let them do so in front of a movie. They'll be out of your hair, and those three hours will fly by.
Being honest and kind is the best answer. You don't feel comfortable with it? then say something like: "I am sorry, we cannot have him we have other plans...", (sometimes too much of a good thing may turn into a bad, or annoying thing....)
I'd have to say
"No. I'm sorry but he'd be here a total of 6 hours and that's an awful long day for any kid. Please arrange for someone (a baby sitter maybe?) to pick him up when the party ends.".
There's a possibility that they just leave him with you anyway but then I'd never invite that kid back for anything ever again.
If you are open to dealing with him, then go ahead - but I'm usually exhausted after throwing a party and after 3 hours - I'd not be wanting to be dealing with someone else s kids behavioral issues.
We had a pool party for our kids last week and it was great...we had one kid who ended up staying the last hour without his parents because their younger one ws acting up, no worries. Last year our daughter had 3 friends stay the night after.
My son went to a party at the end of June and the only way for him to go was for him to go an hour BEFORE the party. The mom didn't have any problem with it.
I would think if the kid hanging out for a few hours after is too stressful, you should say no, but expect that he may not be able to come to the party at all then. And if he is getting to be difficult, maybe it's time to cut ties all together.
I would probably end up doing it. i get more stressed before a party vs. after a party.
Is it okay with your son?
I'm thinking Dad is of a "doesn't hurt to ask" mindset. Respond with yes, no, or some compromise which works better for you. i.e. I can hold him for another 1/2 hour if that makes things easier for you.
Best,
F. B.
