D.B.
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I am currently pregnant with twins. My husband and I went through a lot personally and a lot of infertility to get here, but here we are. I also have a five year old boy. The last few years her marriage of 20 yrs ended for various reasons, she had an affair, they had financial problems, etc. Back in Feb 2009 I had a infertiity treatment that she drove me too, to meet my husband ( I could not drive). SHe sat there and cried about her husband and how he did not get her a nice Valentine's gift. I was on Valium, but I remember thinking omg, what in the world..? Now they are divorced, and all she can talk about is him, his gf, how he must not be honest with her, that they still go to Starbucks together with their 13 yr old etc. Her ex-husband's company is not doing so well, and he has not paid her alimony/child support on time. He does pay her eventually, but not at the beginning of the month as he should. Now his car is repossessed and their home that they had rented out is now being foreclosed on. She is nannying but claims she can not get a real job due to having no skills and having a 13 yr old at home. SHe is going to babysit, model (since an agent was interested in her for lifestyle), and dogwalk. I tried to set her up with a guy awhile ago
but she wasn't interested. She said she wasn't over her ex. Now he offered her a loan, and she may take it. She asked how we are doing financially and I said ok, but I really cannot understand why she doesn't get full time job at Macy's or somewhere.
I tShe claims she wants to come over, on Sunday, but I am drained. All she wants to do is talk about her ex. The same converastion over and over. I asked if she needed a loan and she said, oh I would ask for one if I was really dire. My husband and I have a lot of expenses, but I am sure she sees us as very well off. I am just fried on her, and I have hired a nanny to help when the twins are born but have not told her. Is there a good to handle her? FYI, she is 11 yrs older and our mom died when I was nine.
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I agree with Mrslavallie that you need to put your family first right now. She probably does need a listening ear, and if you can do that without being emotionally flipped upside down from it, then definitely do it. Maybe listen without any sort of desire to solve anything. Just let her talk. But, if you find you can't do that without it emotionally upsetting you, then take a big breather from it.
As for the loan, PLEASE don't give her a loan or get one for her or sign for it...or do anything that makes you responsible in any way. She needs to be responsible for herself.
I'd be kind and loving and try to keep yourself emotionally distant if you need to. NOt to sound harsh to your sister, but your family (hubby and kids) are the priority right now.
I think with your pregnancy you need to take care of yourself, plus your own husband and children. Your responsibility is to them, not your sister. I know that's kind've tough...but you shouldn't be drained because your sister can't find a friend to talk to. It'd be different if there were some tragedy in her life...but this sounds like a mess that she's had a hand in creating.
oh man!! CONGRATS on the twins!!!
your sister is draining you...no matter how much you love her - you can't really help her - she needs to get some therapy to resolve her issues with her ex husband...suggest a church group for divorcee's - they can vent and help each other....
If I were you, I would NOT loan my sister money...unless you can afford to lose it...she needs to do this on her own - while family is supposed to take care of each other - the best thing you can do for her is give her the "tough love"....she needs to find out who she is now...after 20 years of marriage - she has the image of her with her husband and child....since it sounds like she didn't work - she has nothing to represent her or "do"...
The best thing that you can do for her is recommend a therapist or to change the subject each and every time she starts talking about her ex...she might upset that you hired a nanny but you have to go with what is best for you and your family - your sister would end up draining you even more...
She needs to get off her pity pot (sorry - but that's what it is) and figure out what she wants to do with her life. Again, when you are together - you can choose to let her whine about her life - then change the subject and get her off her pity pot...if you are close enough to her - tell her - ENOUGH of the pity pot!! move on!!!
GOOD LUCK!!!
Her child is 13, she can get a job when he is in school, and he's old enough to stay alone for a few hours too. She can also take college courses, even if it's just getting a one year certificate or something to help better her situation. Tell her you love her, but that you need to have some down time because you know she needs to vent, but that it's hard on you right now. Also, don't loan her money. Suggest she go to therapy.
Just you AND your Husband, tell her.
AND tell her to find a good Therapist.
You cannot be her door-mat.
You have babies coming.
You and Hubby have to tend to your household and twins.
Of which, you need privacy and to worry about your own expenses etc.
She is making a habit... of being needy and using your good nature.
Don't let her.
Bottom line.
Just tell her, plainly and bluntly.
She is an adult.
Grow up.
Look back at her life. Is wallowing her way of coping with things in general? I have a friend who had a difficult family situation. While I understood that her life was not as she wished, there got to be a point where it was clear she was not going to change it so I said that while I overall supported her, she knew how I felt and I wasn't going to rehash it. Maybe it's time to say, "Sis, you need a professional to talk to. I understand you are stressed, but you know how I feel and this stress is affecting my pregnancy."
She can certainly work with a 13 yr old at home but it sounds like it would be a huge change of lifestyle for her and not something she wants to leap into. My mom is like that. Stays close to the "safe" jobs, even if something else would pay better. Like she has no faith in herself.
If she doesn't have funds for private therapy, she should see what options she has - maybe a church or other community group offers discounted therapy or her daughter's school has ideas.
The best way you can help your sister is to find a good counselor for her to talk to. She needs to talk to a counselor to get all the ex-husband stuff out of her life and get HER life going again.
She could get a job in retail and they will be hiring soon for seasonal workers, many of those jobs roll over to permenant. Unfortunately most retail jobs are part-time, minium wage and little or no benefits.
She can also go to a local college-university or tech school and talk to a counselor. The often have classes and tests, free of charge, to help an incoming student find the type of classes they should take and the career path they should follow. It depends upon their personality and goals.
Don't let her get by with the I can't work because I am a single Mom routine. Millions of women get up every morning, take care of their kids, get everyone where they need to be on time, work a full day, come home exhausted and do it all over again the next day for years. At most she has 6 years before her child is a HS graduate and on his(her) way to college and own life. In 3 years that child should be driving and can get a job, so the hard part is over. She doesn't have to deal with toddlers and snow suits and car seats ect ect ect and still get to work on time.
Hello, I know how hard this is. You want to be there for her, but you don't want to hear the whole story all over again, and again. Let her vent a little each time and then guide her into a better conversation. If she goes back to the same story, guide her away from it again. Eventually, it should fade. You might even have to sound a little selfish (not that I think you are) and tell her that you want to talk about your family and the babies you are expecting. You should be able to talk to an older sister about what you are going through.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
Don't let guilt make you offer something up that you don't want to do like hire her as a nanny or make her a loan. Beg off for Sunday by claiming illness, other obligations or just be honest with her and tell her you need some alone time to rest b/c the baby is taking its toll on your body. Honestly, negative people gravitate toward those who will listen and it just brings them and you down more. Stay away and be happy. She needs to learn to move on and that will be easier if she doesn't have you to listen/sympathize. Congrats on the baby!
I really feel for you. This is an extremely difficult situation because you feel you "have to" be there for your older sister, however there's actually nothing you can do for her! Unfortunately, she made her own decisions and now must live with the consequences of the choices she has made. No amount of sympathy will make her feel any better! I've found that "honesty is the best policy" even if (at first) she might resent you for it. Suggest to her that she needs to speak to a trained professional (psychologist, counsellor,etc). Tell her that you will always love her, but (right now) you need to rest because you're in for a rough couple of months when the twins arrive. Whenever she starts to talk about her ex, tell her (politely but firmly) that you'd rather not discuss that situation as your doctor told you to avoid anxiety and that whole situation upsets you. If she persists, tell her that as much as you love her, your first priority must be to your babies and (if she can't refrain from talking about her ex) you'll have to ask her to leave / hang up the phone (whichever is applicable). Congratulations on your twins! Don't let this joyful period be marred by something you have absolutely no control over! Hope this helps. Best wishes to you all.
How would she take it if you recommended a divorce support group?
She seems stuck in a cycle. She needs to break out of it. She may not be looking for you to "solve" it, just needing someone to listen & be on her side. But it can be frustrating to hear it all over and over and over.
How would she react if you said something like "you need a new start" "you need to get out of your rut" "you need to change things up to get different results"? You know her best, she's your sister. What if you just tell her flat out, but nicely, that her on-going drama is depressing you and you really want to see her move on with her life in a positive way?
