How to Handle Death of a Parent

My three boys were there the day my father died in my arms. I needed to concentrate on my father, so the boys were kept playing somewhere else in the house by my BIL. That day and night my children took a backseat, but it was good at have them there the next day.

Even though the children are young it would be nice if they could say their 'I love you's' and good-byes to their grandma, while she is still alive.

K., I wonder if this is more about how he feels about seeing your mom pass away. He wouldn't necessarily realize that this is how he is feeling, please understand. But he wouldn't be the first to dread it.

To be very honest, you should get to make the decision here. Certainly take his job into account, but you should be able to have your family by your side, especially if she can still talk or hear what you say.

So many of us have lost a parent while trying to get back to be with them, but missing by a short amount of time (myself, 5 hours coming from overseas...)

I would think that there are friends of the family who would be happy to help you all with the kids. Being "away from home" is not something that is so bad that he should use it as an excuse for not going.

Separately, my condolences to you and your entire family for your mom's grave condition. If your dad is still here, help him prepare by getting all the paperwork together, the obituary written, finding pictures, etc. As hard as it is to do right now while she is still with you, it is unbelievably hard to do after your loved one actually dies. You can email or fax what you have to the funeral home and then just call them afterwards. They can also work out a lot of details on the phone with you as well.

Hugs and sending you strength for now and the days ahead...

Dawn

I would take everyone. I agree with you, this is life and to be honest, if it's your mother and you want the family there your husband should do it. It's going to be very hard for you, even if she's ill and this is expected, your emotions will likely not be what you expect.

It's okay for your kids to be around death and it's okay for them to see grandma at this time, as she is making her journey to Heaven. They will be okay and it will help give them closure too. I don't think they are too young. My kids are currently 5 and 3 and we've had a lot of death, sadly, in the last few years. My kids have been part of it all and I honestly believe that they are better off for being part of these processes. They are not afraid and they provide incredible, truly incredible insight into this journey. Both my children have said some remarkable things to me during my times of grief and I am so thankful that I have had them close to me.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

It's your mom, so you get to make the call. If having them there will be helpful to you, then bring them. The kids will be fine, and I certainly wouldn't worry about them being bored. That's irrelevant. A little boredom won't hurt them.

Don't worry about "subjecting" the family to anything. That's how people learn to be caring, and not self-centered. I hope your husband supports you in this decision.

Take your family, it sounds like you need them.

I'm sorry about your mom.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would bring the kids--your mom would probably love to be able to hug and kiss them one last time, and your kids will always wonder what happened to Grandma if they don't see her in her hospital bed. As tough as it was, my mom made sure that we got to go say "Goodbye" to my grandparents right before they passed away, and I am so thankful for that.

Do you have siblings or cousins/friends in the area who can help you watch your kids from time to time? Your husband might be stressed out about the idea of caring for the kids away from home by himself (I am assuming there will be at least some times that you would be away from your husband and kids) since they can't stay in the hospital all the time.

This is a time for family to be together, I agree.
Sorry about your mom. :(

I guess a big question would be, What will the children be doing while you are dealing with your mother? There are going to long stretches of time where they will be bored and all the adults are going to busy and not want to play. Understanding death is good, even at a young age, but dealing with grief and trying to entertain two small children will be difficult.
If there is a relative close by who is willing to watch them, they will be a comfort. Otherwise, it will be one more thing for you to handle.

When my dad was dying with cancer he and my mother came to live with us the last few weeks so she had help. I had 6 kids still at home so I couldn't just go there. They were part of his day, talked to him, our youngest sat and pretended to read to him ( she was only 4 years old ) and they were all there when he died. It was good for them, good for all of us to be together. The hospice nurse said that she thought the kids should be as much a part of death of a loved grandparent (or other) as we are in birth. I know all don't go in for deliveries but they are part of the process usually. I don't think any of our kids regretted being there with him and they remember my dad more because of it. I would say do what you feel is best for you and the family. Even though you will have family there you may feel like you would appreciate having your husband to support you too. I know I did. You really have no idea how long your mother will be stable either. I'm so sorry and I know death is a hard time for family.

I know when my mom was dying it was only about my father not me. I tried to leave my family out of it as much as possible for things to seem as normal as possible.

absolutely your children should be with you when you go home. This will most likely be their last time with their grandmother. I agree with Dawn in that your DH probably does not want to go himself so is suggesting he will stay with the kids. TEll him that he can take the kids out and about if it gets to be too much...he will likely welcome knowing that he can take a break.

My heart goes out to you, your husband and your family.

Do you have siblings? What is their perspective on this? I think this is one of those instances where you need to be a daughter and a sister, as much as (and maybe more than) a mom. Each extended family has it's own dynamics. Do you still have close friends in the area who could take your kids for several hours at a time?

I'm not against bringing your children (in fact, I brought ours when my youngest was 5 months old around the time of my grandmother's passing). I'm a big believer in everyone being gentle and respectful of how to make this a supportive situation for everyone.

A hug to you --

When my Mom was dying, I went by myself. I wanted to spend every moment I could with her without being stressed out about my boys. Also, and this was just my opinion, I wanted my boys to remember her alive and well, not in a hosptial bed with tubes and machines. Do what your heart tells is right is my best advice.

I think that it's very important for children to have a solid understanding of death. I hopspiced my FIL at home and now my daughter "get's it." Additionally and most importantly, she understands that death is a part of life - people die. And she understands that when a family member is ill or dying, that everyone plays a role in the death. When she brings up Grandpa, I tell her that he wanted to be with his family when he died. He was so happy to have you in the same home. That it was his choice to die at home and that me, you and daddy took care of him and made his last wish come true. She gets sad when we talk about it but I know that later on, she will understand and embrace death and make good decisions about it.

Sorry about your mom.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

While I think the children should be involved, I agree with hubby that perhaps they could hang back a day or two to give the family time to grieve without worrying about what the children are seeing/feeling/thinking. For the first couple of days, I don't think anyone is going to want to have to deal with watching/entertaining children.

Prayers for you and your family.

I had a similar situation and kept my kids away. I thought they were too young to understand and could possibly make a bad situation worse by acting up, or upsetting my Mom with their words/actions. It is such a personal decision. Whatever you decide will be correct. I'm sorry....

I think your husband has a good idea. Instead of having him and the kids there the whole time you could compromise by going yourself to assess the situation and ready a place for your husband and kids to stay. Be with your mom and siblings. Then as your mom gets weaker and closer to death, have your husband bring the kids or wait until she passes away and have your husband bring them to attend services.