How to Deal with People Who Don't Discipline Their Children!

I have the same problem with one of my daughters' cousins. My oldest daughter is 3 and her cousin in 5. My daughter always asks if this cousin is going to be at family events and begs to stay home if she is going to be there. So I'll call and ask if the little girl is going to be there and if she is then I'll say sorry then we're not coming. I let her mother know that I wouldn't be bringing my children around her until the cousins behavior was under control. But I'm a big mean mama bear when it comes to my girls so I didn't have any problem being candid with them about it.

Good luck!

My neice isn't that extreme, but i do find that if i play with them or sometimes get them started but stay near them, it eliminates the meaness. It isn't much fun for me i'd rather be with the grown ups, but atleast i know my daughter isn't being taken advantage of. This is just what works for us.

You can't stop everything that happens, but you can certainly enforce your family's rules in your own home. All you have to say is that, "IN THIS HOUSE, we don't say things like that or we have to sit in a chair for a minute" and use the timer on the stove, with the girl in a chair in sight of it. The next infraction ? 2 minutes.

She may hate you, but it's YOUR house, and you have the right to enforce YOUR rules in YOUR house. If your sister in law doesn't like it, then she can teach her child to behave in an appropriate manner.

I don't think kids HAVE to share their toys. But by the same token, your child doesn't have to share the toys she is playing with, and that's okay. They should be allowed to make some decisions over the things they own. If you are at "the brat's" house, and she won't share, simply say, "You don't have to share that one, but are there some other toys that it would be okay for your daughter to use ?" And then, if your daughter is having more fun with the toys she is playing with, and the owner tries to "steal them back", you can jump in and say, "But you told her she could play with these. Do you want to share the other toy now ?" Give her some choices, and some control, and maybe that will help.

The other option is avoidance, which doesn't help family relationships. It's a tough spot. I don't envy you !! But in the end, when your daughter grows up to be caring, respectful and polite, and the other is causing major trauma, you will no longer look like the "mean" parent. You will look like the intelligent one. :-)

How often do you HAVE to be around your niece? I would avoid them as much as possible. What happens if YOU say something to your niece, like "Please take turns with that toy or NO O. is playing with it"? If a kid was calling my kid names and the parents weren't correcting her, I would get up and leave immediately! When they ask why the abrupt departure, I'd tell them point blank.
I think it is your responsibility to keep your daughter out of those situations if you can. You probably wouldn't tolerate it from a friend's child--why tolerate it from a relative? I mean, we all like to try to shelter our kids from bratty kids...it's good that she is sticking up for herself sometimes, but I wild definitely limit the exposure to this little terror!

Hello,

Many cultures don't "discipline" children. That is - many cultures believe in children solving their own problems. With any "style" of parenting, there are pros and cons. The Pros of letting children solve their own problems or of parents ignoring bad beheavior is that kids become much more independent, less whiny, and much more able to resolve conflict.

But if your daughter is having problems, you could help her. You could go over and tell her to say "Stop! I don't like when you do that!" and then to walk away. Then you look at your niece and reinforce what your daughter said, "She's walking away beecause she doesn't want to play with you when you hit." And then tell the aunt "I'm going to help her stand up for herself." Over time the aunt will decide what SHE needs to do, with her own style of parenting.

If the hitting doesn't stop and your child is still upset by it, tell your daughter that the playdates will be shorter until they have learned how to resolve conflict more easily.

This isn't generally a popular opinion, but I really do believe in empowering children to solve their own problems. This doesn't mean that they will be solved the way you want - it may just mean that for now, your daughter wants to avoid this cousin until the cousin learns to play nicely. I had to tell my own son once, "we can't go play at Jane's today becuase you hit her yesterday. She doesn't want to play when you hit. So we'll stay home." After a week of not playikng, it sunk in and never happened again.

Good luck,
J

What a difficult and hurtful situation to be in! Before cutting off all ties consider the following: 1) When the girls begin to play, state the rules to them (sharing, taking turns, talking nicely to each other, no hitting, etc). Also state consequences (your daughter will not be allowed to play with her, you will leave, you will remove any items not being shared, etc). 2) Have activities for your daughter to engage in on her own and insist that she have some quiet time alone when your niece acts up. 3) Recommend planning gatherings after your niece has had a nap. 4) Keep visits short and sweet - don't allow too much time for interaction or for things to get out of control. 5) If you are confronted as to why you are taking such measures just say very matter of factly that you recognize when your daughter has had enough. If you feel like being more direct let your relatives know that you expect your family to be treated more kindly and you need to place limitations on your visits until that happens. Keep your cool so that you don't come across as over-reacting. (I personally don't think you are.) Good luck!

You have to be your daughter's advocate, and if that means (eventually) severing contact then so be it, but I think you can try some more things first. If you're meeting at your house, set the rules and enforce them-- with consequences. This goes for your relatives too-- everyone needs to agree on the rules before hand, and if they can't, then there is no playdate. If the little girl is acting badly, and won't stop, I would say "It's too bad that you girls aren't getting along. Little Janie is going to have to go home now, and maybe you guys can play again sometime when everyone is feeling better!" and hand your niece's coat to her mom. If you are at their house, it is a little harder, because you don't se the rules for that house, but you could just say, "It looks like the girls are tired of playing together, so we're going to head home. Thanks for having us!" and just leave. There is no point in getting judgemental or preachy, your feelings will be obvious to them. The bottom line for me would be letting your daughter know that there are different ways of acting and some of them make people feel good and some don't, and make sure she know which one she wants to be. :-)

HI E., You are not alone!! I understand completely what you are going through. We went through a similar situation with my husband's nephews. I also had a cousin like that when I was a kid, but we were the same age...and we have no relationship to this day. Your best defense is a good offence. Be "busy" to limit the number of visits a month (trim it down to one if you can) and control the length with plans as well. See how that works. If there is still a problem then calmly explain the the parents how you feel. Be honest, but don't be angry or point fingers either. Maybe you could mention that since "Suzzie" has problems with sharing and being kind when she is tired you feel that it would be best for everyone if she only visits when she is rested. Tell them that family is important to you and to your daughter and you want the girls to be close when they are older...so you need to address these very real problems now! If that doesn't work, well you have to protect your daughter so be busy everytime they call to make plans, or if they just show-up unannounced or uninvited find a reason to have to leave! Good luck and best wishes!

the next time it starts leave period. Maybe then they will realize and do something about it.

I'm so sorry that you have been put in such a difficult situation. I also have relatives who choose not to discipline their children. Here's what I would try if I were you...when your daughter and your niece begin to fight, tell them that they need to separate and that every time they hit each other, say bad things to each other, etc. this will be done. If your niece actually wants to play with your daughter (but obviously has not been shown how to) she will quickly stop her behavior. You will also have to discipline your daughter the same way if she would happen to start something to show that there are no favorites. Also, have you talked to your niece directly? The poor little girl has never been taught how to be nice to her cousin and could use some direction. Sometimes kids listen to an adult who is not their parent better anyways. Before the next family function talk to her privately about what it means to be a good "big" cousin and how much she hurts your daughter when she calls her names, etc. Continue to stress that you love her as well and that you want the two of them to be good friends (this way she understands that you are not out to get her). Finally, I don't see any reason why you, your husband, and your daughter could not get up and leave as soon as this ridiculous behavior begins. Tell your mother and sister-in-law that you do not allow your child to be around someone who bullies her and that you will come back on another day when she can learn to be nicer. It may take a few times of doing this or a few months for them to get the message, but my guess is that your daughter is not the only one being bullied by this little girl and eventually they will get the message from someone (whether it's you, another parent or a teacher, only time will tell). Good luck! :)

This is really common. Somehow today it is trendy and accepted to not discipline, and to make excuses for everything. I've had to stop socializing with several friends who don't discipline, because their children's tantrums and bratty behavior were literally stressing out my kids to the point where they were having nervous behaviors like chewing their fingers until bleeding etc, becoming introverted or even starting to be fussy and have outbursts themselves after several hours with those kids. This was awful, because my kids do get disciplined for tantrums or defiance or bad manners, so they were the only kids getting "in trouble" by anyone while the other kids were being banshees and getting away with it. It was hard, because these are friends of mine I've had a very long time, but as we've begun having kids, we aren't doing it the same way. With one I said after declining a third invitation, "My daughter has been really upset the past few times she's played with your son (she knew full well her son was pulling her hair, pushing her, grabbing all her toys and hitting her only to be taken and "talked to" about it every time while he cried for hours and demanded rewards in order to be nice), I'm giving her some time to rest right now." They know my stand on discipline, and they believe in the "pacifist, ignore bad behavior, let tantrums escalate and play out for hours, positive reinforcement for everything, negotiating with toddlers, bribing them to be good with rewards, long talks and lots of attention for hitting momma, etc etc etc." I can't deal with it. My kids get taken to the bathroom (if we're at someone else's house) for a quick swat to the bum on the second calm warning for something they know they are not supposed to do. They get a time out if they are doing something fun and are misbehaving-but that would be backed up with a swat if the time out caused a tantrum. They hardly ever misbehave and the drama never escalates. But like I said, when they are around terrors, they don't understand why other kids are hitting and biting and crying and gagging and choking and screaming and saying mean things to their parents and other kids. They start getting fussy and nervous and acting out themselves. My friends probably think I'm an abuser, for "ever striking a child", but our system has been so calm and consistent form infancy, I've never been angry or yelled at my kids. They know their boundaries and love to behave. At age three my daughter hasn't had a swat or a tantrum or an outburst in 4 months. Luckily my whole family uses this system and has very large home schooled families, so I've seen first hand how happy and well behaved children are with firm discipline. No one can tell me the other way is better for the child. You can't change people's mind on parenting, but you can keep your kids away from trauma. Do it! Wait until she's older to deal with that niece. Make and excuse, tell the truth, or say nothing. Just stay out of there for a few years.

I am in the same exact position!my nephews excuse is add.when i have him here alone he is good but if my mom or brother are around he is so bad!christmas day i decided i am goingto limit my visits til the get the point!i do feel mean around them because i am the only one disiplining them

don't let them play together any more. Or short of that you can answer back to the "she just wants to be close to her' excuse with "well, MY daughter needs some space and respect for her boundaries. If (niece) can't do that we will not be able to let them play anymore."

I would have to say that if you do not need to see them on a regular basis then don't.

Good luck

Hi E.,

This situation sounds like it could use Family Group Conferencing.

This is a Restorative practice that helps to solve conflicts in a family situation like what you are describing.

The process enables family and friends to get together to solve an issue.

A facilitator will talk with you and your husband to facilitate the meeting. You and your husband will give the facilitator the list of people with their telephone numbers to invite them to the coference.

There is a script that the facilitator uses to keep the conference on track.

The issue is the focus, not personalities. Everyone will get an opportunity to share their feelings about the issues.

After the issues are discussed, the group comes up with a solution to solve the issue. These solutions are written down into an agreement. The family or friends who will monitor the agreement is written into the agreement.

this is an ideal way to solve your situation because you want to heal the conflict and rebuild connection with the family.

If you are in the Bethlehem area of PA, I would be glad to facilitate the conference or find someone who can that is in your area of PA.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

E.,

Maybe if you do quit taking your child around them, they will get the hint. If you don't, my opinion is that one day, your going to blow up and say something, and believe me, form experience of losing my temper, it only makes situations worse. Another thing is that with your child's good intentions, you just remember that this makes her the better child, and maybe, just maybe her actions will eventually teach the other child some manners.

My best advice is to deal with it how you see fit. They seem to be using the tried and true kids will be kids type of excuse. While every playdate will not be perfect there must be some type of consequence for wrong behavior. If you think that they will get the point by not speaking to them or bringing your daughter to play then do it. Me personally, I would do the same thing. I don't care what anyone thinks (family included) I am going to make sure my children are happy and healthy.

Wow...Hard to believe that people can be like that. My advice is:
The optimal solution is to NOT put your little girl in that situation again. Politely tell them upon invitation that obviously your neice has a problem with your daughter and since they don't get along they cannot play together. If you can't do this then don't be afraid of jumping in to correct your niece. Tell her how wrong it is to treat another child like that. Tell her that nobody is better than anybody and it is very poor manners to say it. Make sure to be firm and make sure your inlaws are right there to hear it. If it doesn't stop take your daughter away from her by either leaving or to another part of the house where you and her can play. If it causes a riff than so be it. Your daughter is MUCH more important than them anyhow. Also-you MUST get your husband on the same page as you. Have him be ready to calmly leave whenever it starts up. No yelling, just walking out of the house.

Good luck on this.

Hi E., maybe you need to examine your own feelings. You say this began 3 years ago and I am positive that a one your old infant (your niece) can not be responsible for the jealous "bratty" behaviors she is accused of. How did you and your sister in law handle bringing the new baby into the family with your niece? Usually these issues are alot deeper than a bratty 4 year old - especially if they've been going on for 3 years. It may be a good idea to ask yourself what you can do to make the situation better - remember you are teaching your daughter how to interact with family... that may not sound like good advice now, but in 20 years when she is dealing with her sister-in-law you will have been the example. Good luck