How to Deal with My "Jealousy"

It's just that you don't make any 'out' time for you. Otherwise you wouldn't feel like that. Use it as a wake-up call and go see a flick with another mom or moms once in a while.

it's good that you let him have his "out" time even tho you don't get a chance. I would work on that tho... and find some way to get out now and then.

You need to find a group for you - you really don't need to deal with jealousy. I was in a similiar situation and I joined mother's groups and found outlets, friends, activities to do with and without children. I joined MOPS and F.E.M.A.L.E and it made all the difference in the world. That was 15 years ago and I am still enjoying friendships I made from those groups.

I’m not sure what advice to give on how to deal. Your DH is out having all the fun without kids and you are not. I would be jealous too!

Contrary to what some have said though I don’t think you need to “get a life”. You have a life. I just think you need to enhance it by taking time to yourself and meet people. Do your kids have play dates? I know they are young but even if it’s just to get to know another Mom. That way you 2 can plan to go to dinner and leave hubby with the kids for a bit.

Sorry that’s all I’ve got. My DH definitely gets out more than me but it’s all good. I get out every once in a great while too and that keeps me sane!

You and I should get together! I live in Cuyahoga Falls and am probably five minutes away. I have a three year old at home, so we could get together, the kids could play, and we could have some mommy time!

I can relate- when I was staying at home with a toddler and a newborn I never had time for myself. I was jealous that my husband got to eat lunch with friends and go to the bathroom by himself at work!

Me being jealous was kind of a wake-up call that I needed more time to myself. Schedule some time to do stuff you enjoy- maybe make an appointment for a mani/pedi or a massage. Even me just going to the bookstore or library once a week for an hour gave me a much-needed break.

And I know it is hard, but are there any SAHM groups that you could join to meet other moms? MOPs, International MOMS Club, local church groups, library storytimes, and La Leche League meetings are all places you could try to meet other moms. You could also check yahoo groups and meetup.com to see if there are any playgroups meeting nearby. Stalk moms at the local park. (if they are there during the day they might be lonely also). Once you have mom friends you can schedule a moms night out!

http://www.mops.org/
http://www.momsclub.org/
http://www.lllohio.org/groups/index.html

Hi,

You need to find some friends! Life is awful without friends and you seem so lonely....If you are waiting for hubby to come home and he is the only one you hang with----you need to find a better balance. Here are some suggestions:

join a mama's group
join a church and do a bible study-you will meet lots of nice ladies that way
go to the park, other kid-friendly activity places and introduce yourself to other moms-exchange numbers. Start doing playdates--
join a playgroup and get together with other mom's weekly---believe me, it will change your life and you won't get so upset that your hubby is going out to get a break too.

Good luck!!

Molly

I can totally relate... I look at my hubbys work time as fun time too cuz he gets to hang out with adults. I get to stay at home and have no friends! Wish you were closer LOL.... I love staying home but I NEED ADULT TIME TOO!!!

Maybe join a MOPS meeting or something. Thats a good way to meet other mothers. From what I understand they have girls night out too.

Or look for some kinda moms org in your area :) Seek and you shall find.

Hi HR,

I haven't read all the responses so please forgive duplication. We moved a bunch of times so I have been where you are.

things that helped me: taking kids to library activities and talking to other moms (this got me my great hairdresser and entree to a cooperative playgroup, which in turn led me to a part-time job), joining the Newcomers Club when we lived in Holland Mich (too bad there isn't one here, maybe I should start one--you could do that too!), joining the Mothers' DAy Out program when we lived in Arkansas (gave me a couple mornings a week free to exercise, practice the oboe, whatever). When we moved here i already had a school age child so I volunteered for stuff at his school.

You need to find something just for you--library book club, craft group, community choir/theater/band/orchestra, LA Leche League (you can often bring kids to meetings), church group, bowling, whatever you liked before you had kids, or whatever you have ever thought "gee it would be fun to try ...xyz...."

Is there another mom with little ones on your street? Call her up and invite her and kiddos over for coffee/snacks--explain you have "cabin fever", I bet she will understand!

Did you go to college? your hubby? contact the alumni office to see if you can connect with fellow alums in Akron.

do your mom or siblings have any friends near Akron? could you contact those people for coffee?

Ohio is really a pretty nice place (yes, I am biased-- born, raised and now back here). I'm sure with a little effort you'll find someone to be at least somewhat friendly with. Did I get tired of making the first second and third effort all the time? you bet. But it was worth it.

Don't get jealous, get even( as in even-handed with the friendship opportunities)! Good luck, and hugs to you! PM me if you want to talk some more

K. Z.

YOU get out and find friends :)

Join a gym, a playgroup, a mom's club, meet your neighbors, bible study group, reading group, craft group at a local Micheal's or hobby lobby, book club... lots of things are out there, just try and find something you like.

Mystery K? Seriously? Can't give your name, but you give advice... Hmmm...

ANYWAY! I wouldn't call it jealousy as much as dependancy. You haven't made friends yet, and above all else, your hubby IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. I can relate to that (not married, but same principles apply). Can you find a sitter and go out with your hubs and be 'one of the guys'? Most men don't mind their woman tagging along as long as they can act appropriately... not like it's a date between you two, but at least you're out of the house! Who knows, maybe some of his guy friends have wives feeling the same way you do. Maybe even host a dinner party with your mans friends and their wives or girlfriends... they are probably feeling the same way you are! And then the tables will turn... how would your husband feel if you went out with the ladies?

For every action there is a REaction... make sure yours is made with kindness and respect, THEN tell him how you really feel about the situation. Guys night out is a must... but 'wifey always staying home and losing her freakin mind' is a big no-no. Make sure you two spend time alone for every one night he goes out.

Trust me, you're not alone in this, I feel your pain!! Don't let him make you feel guilty either... you have a right to feel let down and left out... but if you approach him with your feelings the right way, you won't feel the same way next time :)

Oh yeah. I think in addition to what everyone else is saying...."I wish I could go out with friends, too".... it's also what a hassle ME going out is.

I agree that you need to put yourself out there, finding people to hang with. Any groups, playdates, child classes, etc is a definite start. However, the other issue is that, as I went through with hubby and myself, it's so easy for him to just.....go. For me to arrange a night with my friends, would mean that I would have to
a. Make sure there was adequate food in the house for my husband to figure out what to make/cook. Even then, I'd probably get calls about where stuff was
b. Pajamas laid out, bedtime routines written down.......then, my hubby would still call about little things that really didn't matter so much. Or, would call to have the kids tell me goodnight, which was sweet, but would inevitably make them bawl and scream for me.
c. Instructions on when the kids need to go to bed. You'd think it would be a common sense- type of thing, but left to his own devices, my husband gets distracted and the kids get to bed late. That effects my day, so I would rather he just DO WHAT I TELL HIM TO!!! LOL!!
d. Get out the door. Easier said than done, am I right?!

So, to most people, this sound like I'm very controlling. But, when you are a SAHM, your day revolves around the kids moods, whether they got enough sleep, if they are "off" their routine, etc. Is it worth it to have one night out, when it derails your day the next day?! These are all the issues I faced when my kids were little. Things did get a whole lot better once the older kids were self-sufficient. I could just pick up and go, no problem Then came the surprise baby and I'm back to square one. Anyway, I feel your pain. It helps to "let go" and tell yourself that it IS worth it to get a night out! You are refreshed and ready for the next day. But, you need to make sure you absolutely carve this time out for yourself. One day, your kids will be grown. You need to be able to hang on to yourself, even if it's just a small little swatch......you are a woman, not just a mom.

I have to say that my hubby, in the very early years, wasn't all that in tune to my needs, but has become completely awesome in the last 8+ years, so I don't have many complaints, now. What might help, is to talk to your hubby about this. Tell him to help you make it happen. He could set aside a night, telling you it's yours to do with whatever you want. Call a friend, go to a movie, a bookstore, shopping, or hide in the house (bath, glass of wine, tv...) He needs to help you make it happen. We often become martyrs and will continue in our "mom world" until it consumes us. It's much harder to get out of it than it is to prevent it from happening. I know. Enlist his help and see if you two can make it work. No matter what it is you do with yourself, it's YOUR time.
I can't help much with the friends, thing. I'm now in a season and age where all my friends are at work, live in a different state, or their kids are older. The surprise baby has thrown me back to a place I thought I was done with. But, where there is a will there's a way. I wish you the best of luck and know that what you are feeling is VERY normal and shared by many!!!!

Have you tried finding a sitter that will watch the kids and maybe your husband can see if some of his friends wives/gfs would like to go out too?
You can meet them that way if you do hit it off you you have some gfs. Just a thought...
Good luck and best wishes!

You need to make some friends or find an activity that is just for you. What are you interested in? Take a class, try cooking, or photography, or painting, or dance, whatever!!! That way you will have something that is just yours, and you can meet others with similar interests.

I am pretty much in the same boat as you are! I am a SAHM with three kids. My husband goes and does stuff with people once in a while and I think, it must be nice!
We moved to Lebanon 6 years ago and I don't have any friends that I go out with either. I really don't want to join any playgroups or anything like that because then I would feel obligated to go all the time! Maybe that is just me! I am not one to make alot of friends either because I am on the shy side.

Girl, are we the same person? I used to get SO MAD at my husband when he went out with the guys. I was JUST like you. We had just moved, I had a new baby, no friends, no outlet for just me. My husband is just like yours, a great guy, loving father and husband, etc, but it KILLED me when HE got to go out. I would get so mad at him. Our solution was a fairly simple one. If he got to go out, so did I! :) We would try to plan it so we could go out together. It wasn't (and still isn't) a perfect solution, but it does work. It would be more difficult for you since you're not close to your family.
Does your husband work 7 days? If not, schedule some alone time when he's home. I know you probably want to spend all those hours with him, but a few hours alone sounds like just what you need.
I would also suggest trying to find a Moms or a MOPS group.

The only way is to have some fun yourself. Join some groups to meet some other women, and then you can have your nights out.

You need some "me" time...be it a few hours on the weekend for yourself (shopping, reading, whatever). Or...you need to find some friends or people with similair interests that you can get together with. Or...get a part time job. Just having a few hours to be around adults, make some "mad money," and talk without being required to wipe anyone's nose or bottom would do you a world of good.

In a few words... you need to "get a life."

The jealousy is totally understandable, but not fair.

Get out and do SOMETHING...work, play, be yourself (not anyone's mom/wife/ maid/cook)...and let your husband have the luxury of doing the same once in a while. :)

How about going to a movie or restaurant alone...are you jealous of the "me" time he has or the fact he has friends outside of you to hang with? If it is the latter, try to develop a new friendship with someone else at maybe playgroup, church, or grocery store. I know it's hard to find true friends, but there's a saying that in order to make friends, you must show yourself friendly. Just a thought!

I know the right answer is to "join a club" or get a hobby. I was in the same boat. and hubby was gone alot "networking" etc. It would drive me nuts when I was planning on him coming home and then something would come up and he would go out.

All i can say is the mom's groups didn't work for me. My kids started school and i went back to work part time and that has helped some, i still don't have anyone to go to movies with or hang out on the weekends, but it is better.
So hang in there, life changes quickly and your little ones grow fast. ARe you able to Skype your loved ones out of state to stay close??

You need something for YOU...this might not help the jealosy, but you deserve it. I just joined a group called MOPS (Google it) and there are a ton of them in Columbus. It is church related but the group I am in has in no way ever been "preachy" to me. It's normally only once a month and you get together and hang out, have dinner, do a craft and get to meet moms that have kids your age. Just a thought. I love it!! It's become something I look forwqard to every month.

I do get jealous when he goes out with the guys to and I just wish I had people to go out with and a chance to go out without the kids once and a while. When that happens I try to find a activity I can do in our house by myself the next night and he watches the kids and I do it. Sometimes a mani and a pedi other times I read, watch a movie or a tv show I like. Sometimes I take myself out alone and go shopping or to dinner. I just learned to make it happen I have to stop coming up with an idea of what I want and just do what sounds fun and good at the moment. Good luck.

Yes I can relate, but it isn't his fault. It can be really hard to stay at home, because the social life has to involve the kids, at least most the time. Your kids are very young which makes the need for adult interaction even more important before you pull your hair out. I can relate to the going to the store to be "alone"but I've realized that really it is up to me to find playdates for the kids, and groups to hang out with during the day with the kids for social interaction for me and for them.

I agree with many other posters that you need to join a moms club. Really mom's club are great because if you don't know what to talk about, you have your children to talk about and break the ice. Something in common right away.Just search the internet for moms club or MOP(mothers of preschool children) for your city and state. it really is a great way to meet a few moms that you may become good friends with. Also there are moms groups for a whole bunch of specific things, like attachment parenting(if that is your thing or whatever you are interested in).

Also sounds like it is time to find a hobby you like that you could do on the weekend or later in the evening(drawing, yoga, knitting, photography or whatever) and check your local community center for activities. Maybe if you join a moms group you can get an idea of what hobbies other moms have and mention you are looking for new hobbies and possibly join them so you don't have to try something new alone.
good luck

There are groups for moms and kids. one is called MOPS. Not sure exactly how that works but have heard of it. I understand how you feel. My husband goes biking on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday when its nice out. Now that its winter he works at Perfect North Sunday, Tuesday and Sunday. I hang with my friends once per month and do girls dinner and he either has to leave with my son or watch him.

Tell your husband you want one night off per week or every other week. That means no cooking, no dishes, no putting the kids to bed or doing baths. I did that years ago but we were doing Friday girls nights and soon as that changed he basically took those away. my thing now is I don't make dinner on Thursdays. Thursday is my catch up day on housework.
Maybe you could geat a manicure or peticure once in awhile. YOu can get pampered with facials or massage. Try looking into your local health plex for things to do.

I could have written this post years ago. I was just like you when I was a SAHM to little ones and new to an area (which happened a lot as we moved quite a bit). I would really look forward to my husband coming home and just felt sick when he said he was going golfing, or even working late. I'm a very social person and when kids are really little and you don't have friends to get together with, it gets really lonely. I HATED it when we lived up north (MI and IL) because so many people already had their family and friends established and it was really hard to get plugged in. I got involved in many things and got to know people through those activities. They were nice, but it never was the kind of friendship where you call just to say hi and see what they're up to. I think it was easier for me when we lived in the south (GA and TX) because so many people were from other states. Enough people were in the same position I was, not having family around, that we connected and formed friendships. I was SO devastated when we moved from GA to IL. I made one good friend in IL, but we rarely saw one another because I was a SAHM and she worked (our daughters were in gymnastics together and we carpooled).

I don't know what to tell you other than it does get easier when the kids get older. Right now you are constantly taking care of your little ones' needs all day long and don't really get much of a break. You are bound to feel jealous when your husband gets to go have fun.

Yes I can relate, I work outside the home but once I'm home I'm in charge of our little one and the house and stay home most evenings. I'm jealous if he goes anywhere! When I was a SAHM I joined a babysitting CO OP and met lots of other moms that way plus found babysitters to allow me time to myself or time with hubby!

join a local mommies group! look on craigslist or even do a search for ohio moms or for your local city on cafemom and join a moms group! i did that and it was absolutely awesome! i have met lots of great people on it. i dont get to go out a lot, but atleast now the option is there!

my suggestion would be to join a mom's group. i was in one for awhile but they were just a little too far away for me to go to all the events. but my cousin is part of one close to her and she is very involved with it. they have stuff to do with the kids and then some "girls night out" stuff. when i found my mom's group i went to meetup.com. it has all different kinds of groups so you could look up other groups that aren't kid based but have to do with stuff you're interested in. and once you are on the site's list you will get e-mails every once in awhile (not too often, promise) about new groups that meet your requirements if you don't find something right away. hope this helps i know how annoying it is to be the only adult all day. it gets better. once the weather gets better going to the parks or the library events can help you meet some nice people

I can relate to your situation. We moved for my husband's job when my son was 20 months and I was pregnant with my daughter. Joining a mom's group worked for me. I am not a naturally outgoing person, but I made a point of going to event. At first it was uncomfortable because it seemed like everyone knew each other and I was the outsider, but I kept going to playgroups and other events. Eventually, I found people to connect with and now have several good friends that I would stay connected with even if we have to move again. There are several bonuses to a moms group: most of the events include your kids so you don't have to try to find childcare, other moms are great resources for finding your way around a new town (they know the great places to take the kids for outings, the best preschools and the pediatricians that really listen to your concerns). Many of the moms in our group had also moved from other areas. Do a websearch and you are likely to find groups in your area and you could even try to couple to see which ones fit you best. Where we live there is Mothers & More, MOPS, La Leche League (sp?), Holistic Moms, Stroller Fit and others. I will also say that it took me about two years to really get acclimated to living in a new town and feeling like I knew the area and had a social network to rely on.

Good luck!

I feel the same way sometimes. My husband doesn't really go out; he works a lot which I understand. I guess my problem is that I am the main one responsible for getting up with her at night, dealing with tantrums, diaper changes, etc. Since I breastfeed I understand that I usually have to get up with her at night. If he watches her while I'm at work, he's calling wanting me to hurry home because she is throwing a fit and he doesn't know what to do. That stresses me out and I feel I have to hurry at my job and it doesn't get 100%. Getting to take a shower is my personal time; I try to draw out every minute. I have a lot of people demanding things of me: my daughter, my husband, my work, my family. Sometimes I wish I could get a break from it...... Just a nap or someone doing something for me. I try to do everything on limited amounts of sleep. I can't really chill my feelings besides just taking it one day at a time.

Could your "jealousy" be that he's not spending time with you?? Think about it. He's texting his whereabouts, but does he call to inquire about your day, how you're feeling, if you need anything? Perhaps, you're reeling in resentment, not jealousy. Make a plan to do something exciting other than putting the kids to sleep and following up with a quick drive. That's not "alone time" that's a break. Make plans with your girlfriends, someone who makes you laugh and tell hubby the day and time in advance and be firm. Kiss him on the cheek on your way out the door. :o)

I'm sure you are in the same boat as many of us moms!

I felt the same way when we had to move to Florida for a year. I had to quit my job and had no friends or job (at first) in Florida. My kids were little and it was very hot. I was jealous too. However, to fix this, I:
1. Went to the library's storytime and introduced myself to other moms and asked them what they did for fun
2. Joined a MOPS group
3. Found a babysitter so I could take a class at the university and exercise.
4. Joined a large married adult unday school group at a huge church; did family things with that group.

Then we moved back to Ohio, but in a different town from before, and I had to start all over again! With another kid too. In this (small university) town, the first thing I did was join a running club. We are about to have a fourth child and things are getting hectic, because my husband's job requires long hours. We will have a child in school, a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant. So while I know many moms, figuring out whether to stick with friends of older, grade-school kids or moms with littler kids has been challenging.

I think you might have success in going online and finding kids activities in the area, approaching other moms, starting conversations, asking for babysitter referrals (maybe you can share babysitters or take turns or have a babysitting co-op), etc. Also, very early morning exercise (before my husband goes to work) helps me a lot. But I am a morning person; some moms do better at night.

Good luck. Forming and maintaining relationships takes effort. But I think Ohio is not a bad place to be! I'm in Athens. I hope you figure things out.

My husband is a SAHD and he's like this - I haven't gone out with any of my friends in over 3 years because he's like this.

I have supported HIM doing things with his friends and though it still can be an issue, the more he gets to do, the less he gets angry with me if I want to do something (I still haven't done anything because I am the one nursing the baby and I am just too tired, but at least he doesn't get miffed now if I say I'd LIKE to do something).

I suggest you look at rec center local classes (like pottery or painting or belly dancing) and take a class that goes on one night per week for a few weeks (or for always if you like it). Sounds like your husband is the kind of guy that would support this.

You'd feel less jealous if you had your own outside thing going on.

My husband doesn't go out with the guys he never picks up the phone to call anyone we are home bodies but I do get very "MAD" when he goes fishing he use to all the time then we had kids so my time has left unable to go do what I would like to do without kids so I was like why should you it would last for hours then days now he rarely goes & sometimes blames me for his attitude but hey I don't get to do anything either my work is here at home yours is making the paycheck while raising our family after that then you can go back to enjoy what you liked to do.As they get older we do go out on the waters.Yes we need time to regroup that shower we had this morning or miday while the kids were napping doesn't last.
I haven't moved I stop working at age 22 to becoem a sahm so I lost all contact with the "girls" I have nobody to talk to I sit at home doing what I need to while raisng my children now as time goes by my neighbor has become my closest friend for 7 yrs now we don't go out but maybe a few times a year that is to the movies or Walmart.Hang in there it is hard to make friends I thought that was only in high school but I was wrong.

It's sooooo hard to get mommy time! I'm with you there! I can get jealous over my husband even playing a video game! And it's not that I don't want him to enjoy himself every once in a while, it's just that him and my son are practically my only friends!

So to help me blow off some stress, my husband and I started working out together shortly after my baby was born. We get to connect this way, he gets to help me with my work outs which I know he enjoys and makes him feel helpful. I also started taking a dance class 1 night a week so that I get my "time" out of the house. It's a good work out, it's invigorating and I'm so happy when I get to be the one to "come home" to my family. I'm also a SAHM, if you couldn't tell.
Otherwise, I'm a full time student and I try to find hobbies that I can do alone. I bought a nice camera so that I can photograph my son (and do all his "holiday" portraits, so I have something to be learning about all the time)

Good luck! It's completely normal to be jealous when you are at the house all day being a mom. :)

there has to be some sort of Rec Center where you are with mommy and me classes, or little gymnast classes enroll your daughter in a class and sign up for one of your own at night, swimming , Zumba, Yoga whatever it will get you out for an hour or so a couple nights a week meet some people and the mommy and me classes are great for meeting moms and other kids making play dates. Trust me I understand the jealousy you need an out of house experience. But for today take a deep breath and when he gets home take a long bath. And Rose had a great idea too,

I think that I would be upset, not that my husband is going out, but that he's TELLING me that he is going to be going out without even the courtesy of checking in to see if that works for me and how my day is going. There have been a lot of times, after spending the entire day with my two little ones that I really needed my husband to come home after his workday is done just so that I could have a break. Like you, I don't begrudge my husband his opportunity for having some fun but it should be something that works for both of us and can't just be his unilateral decision. Okay, so that's my 2-cents on that.

As for you and your social life, or lack thereof, I would highly recommend that you join your local mom's club. There is absolutely no reason why you can't have a social life too while raising your 2 children. You'll be able to meet other SAHMs who have children who are the same age as your children. You can get assigned to a playgroup, go out on all these mommy and me outings, and they usually have monthly mom's nights out that you can go to as well. I really think you'll find this to be a win-win situation for you and the rest of your family.

Hope you are feeling better soon. Take care.

MOMS club! Check out yahoo groups, Meetups.com local churches MOPS get into a moms group so your sanity can be retrieved, I would not survive without my fellow mommies! Please take the half hour or more to take a look and see what you have locally. It is worth the internet search time.

If you do live where you profile says here is one to get you started. I am apart of a Moms club group and it is great it costs us here $25 a year and is more then worth the $$

Left side of the page has the contact info
http://www.freewebs.com/westakronmoms/index.htm

Looks like Meetups.com has maybe a few options for your area.

Hope this helps. You NEED your time with others also...or you wont get over this feeling.

You need to get out and meet some new friends! Are there any playgroups in your area? I've met some fun mom friends that way and we go out and have drinks. Is there a hobby you're interested in where maybe you could take classes and meet some like-minded people? Church or temple? Yoga? Meditation groups or book clubs? You can meet some folks, but you have to tell your husband that you're going out at least once a week to do it. You need your time too! At the very least start going out to have a pedicure or a massage or something and do something you want to do on your own once a week. A mom's job may never end, but that doesn't mean we don't get breaks from it!