How to Deal with Mom in Law

I think she needs a new hobby...lol. I'm glad you like her and try to get along. So many aren't able to have that relationship. I think you have some good ideas below.

How about setting a schedule with your mil so that she'll get 1 or 2 specific days a week to watch the baby? That'll give you some time to run errands and have quiet alone time and she'll know ahead of time which days so she won't call all the time.

Also if she has a cellphone shoot off a text and a couple cute pics so that she'll see the baby. She's just excited because its her first grandchild and doesn't realize she's overstepping due to her excitement.

I agree with D. D. - you both want your special time with this child. You are very lucky to have a hands-on MIL who, I gather, is quite capable of taking care of the baby, and she was already a tremendous help to you. Now that your daughter is getting to the "fun" stage (which new infants just aren't, much as we love them!), you both want to enjoy the new miracles of every day. But I suspect there are times when you would like to shower alone, do an errand without scheduling it around nap time or cranky time, or have some adult time with friends or your husband. It's great for your daughter to learn that others love her, and that others can feed her and put her to bed when Mommy & Daddy aren't there. It actually makes them feel more secure. So is there a way to meet everyone's needs?

So set up a schedule that meets everyone's needs. Tell her that structure is important to a child, and Give her a day or 2 half days a week. If she drives to you, great. Your daughter will be in her own home that is childproofed and which has her toys and her bed. If Grandma will set up a crib or a pack & play so your daughter can nap, and if the house is childproofed so that you can leave your daughter there, equally great. Maybe 1 day at Grandma's, one day at your house - tell Grandma that your daughter needs to get used to Grandma in both locations so she feels even more secure. Give Grandma the gift of special time, and that will maintain your special time for the rest of the week. You're not going to miss out on any key moments just because Grandma spends, say, 12 hours a week with your child. Then maybe once a month you can have a day for the 3 of you together, and maybe another day can be for everyone (dad included). But resist the urge to spend every weekend with her! There was another post not long ago by someone whose husband spends inordinate amounts of time with his mother, including the kids on every weekend and every birthday. So start slowly.

What will probably happen is that Grandma will get her fill of the baby, and be suitably exhausted such that she enjoys her days "off", and that will stop the phone calls constantly. If you can enjoy your free time without worrying about your daughter or feeling that your MIL is stealing time from you, it will help your head as well. Try not to schedule things on Grandma's days - doctor appointments or whatever. If your daughter is sick, that's something else again - you may want to keep her, or you may find you need extra help! Play that by ear.

The novelty will wear off with Grandma, believe me, and she will ultimately be content with her 2 days. If you already have a good relationship with her, then it will be enhanced if you give her this gift. If you aren't competing with her, you will have plenty of time for yourself, which will make this less stressful. Do let Grandma know that you are happy to do this but you feel it's best for all and most respectful of the 2 adults to stick to a schedule without saying it's not enough.

If you do not feel that Grandma has the stamina or that she shares enough values with you (food, safety, oversight), that's something else again - but it sounds like you don't have a problem with her, just with her intensity.

I'm sorta jealous. My MIL doesn't want to have anything to do with her grandkids (8, 10, 11). She said "I've raised my kids, so I'm done".

Advice is to set specific days. Stop answering your phone if she calls and let it go to voice mail.

I suggest you have a talk with her. Use I statements. Tell her how you feel including your appreciation for her help and your love for her. Together work out a schedule that will work for both of you.

Well, I'm sorry, but this isn't your MIL's fault. It's your fault for not establishing boundaries.

You have to tell her that you are unhappy with the current situation of her seeing the baby everyday. You have to tell her that this is your child and you feel that she isn't respecting the fact that you are the mother. You realize that she probably isn't trying to, but that's what is happening and you have decided that things need to change.

Take it down to twice a week. Then to once a week after a while.

If she pitches a fit, then you have to get tough. And if you don't, then expect her to start ratcheting up her possessiveness of YOUR child.

Sometimes maintaining "good relationships" with your inlaws isn't worth it. You have to figure out where that point is...

I like the ideas below of working out a schedule with her. Set firm days when she will and will not have the baby. You deserve to have alone time with your baby and time without your MIL around, so it's fair that MIL does not get to have your baby whenever she wants.

If you have specific days set, it will be nice for you, because you can use those days to get caught up on errands, sleep, etc.

It's real simple. You are the mother. Speak your mind and make the decisions. Your opinion and feelings matter.

I had this exact situation with my MIL with my first. Except, mine did not respect any boundaries and she reacted poorly to them. She was overly emotional and took things personally.

If you don't have to deal with that - which trust me, is exhausting - then I think simply setting up a schedule that works for you primarily - then run it past her to make sure those days work for her - then you've got the best of both worlds. If it's just 2 afternoons a week, or 3 - whatever would give you a break. And then use that time to do things you need to get done, or even just rest. And maybe pick an evening so you and your husband can go out or do errands together on a weekend.

That's what I tried doing with my MIL. And I appreciated the help.

Now - my MIL decided this wasn't enough and started showing up at our house unannounced. So not sure if yours will be like this. My MIL had been waiting for a grandchild forever - and it became the focus of her world. So - then my husband had to get involved. Before that - I had made all the arrangements. But she didn't respect me and then it turned out, she didn't respect my husband either. Which is a problem. She just became a little too obsessed with our child.

When you say she misses the baby ... I know what you mean. It crosses over to weird.

You said you've caved in to her requests/demands so far, so that will a pattern to break. She may not respond well to begin with. I would say "this is what works well for me - that would be really helpful for me.." and if she says "Oh I miss my granddaughter" say something like "I understand you want to be involved daily, but I'm trying to get into a schedule that works for me and her - and also include you - this would work well for us.." and then be willing to compromise a tad ... but if it gets weird, then talk to your husband.

Good luck. I had to keep reminding myself mine meant well - it was the emotional side of my MIL (and she's slightly irrational and needy) that was hard. I just didn't need that on top of an infant. You are lucky you are close with yours. Mine has never shown interest in me - just the baby, and only for so long. They do tend to lose interest (or mine did) as they get older.

Keep us posted!