How to Cope with an 18 Mo. Old's Screaming and Whining Fits?

Wow, I thought I was reading about my 2 yr old son!! My son is EXACTLY like this, he prefers me so much more than his dad and like you, I look forward to my hubbie coming home to get a break to do the chores he has all my attention the whole day. I think what helped our situation is I had my hubbie play with my son with the same games I play with him. Now he has his own games with his dad and his own games with me. I think tis helped big time.

C.,
I think with especially little boys of this age, it's all about MOM. His bind with his daddy will strengthen over time, don't worry. I think that's very common. Little kids just refer mom. You are his world right now.
How are his communication skills? Is he able to express with words, what he wants and what he doesn't?
This sounds ridiculous, but try to come up wth a daily "schedule" and put in times for son-mommy undivided attention playing. I know it stinks when you feel like you are ignoring your child in order to "get things done." A schedule makes sure you have that time to devote to him O.-on-O.. That's what he's craving so much of so he'll know he's gonna get it.
I may get blasted or this but go ahead and let him watch an age-appropriate DVD for 30 minutes so you can fold your laundry, change you sheets, etc. (GASP! LOL)
You could try the engage and walk away technique that Supernanny does. Get him going on an activity or project, then walk away to vacuum the bedroom, etc. Then return to give reaction, encouragement, participation, etc.
I do agree that losing O.'s temper with the child will not accomplish anything and it is probably the toughest thing you will do as a mother. If you get very angry--go to another room and give yourself a time out.
I disagree with all spanking advice (not to say I've never done it), but there are certainly parents out there who are in for a BIG surprise when the cold, robotlike, detached discipline simply isn't working anymore which should kick in around 6-8, IMO. Free will DOES happen eventually. It simply doesn't work.
Hang in there and know this: it will get better. He WILL get more independent, have more skills for activities, broaden his interests, communicate better, etc. This is a tough age. They're still babies but are testing the boundaries of their environment. Hang in there and best of luck!

Good morning!
I always joke that everything I know about parenting I learned from the Dog Whisperer, but it isn't all a joke. Alphas, control, calm energy, reading the early signs. If you disagree with Amy J. about spanking (as I do--all research shows that it doesn't work in the long term), don't miss what she's saying about discipline and consequences. Like the Dog Whisperer, it only takes a couple sessions of showing that you mean it for behavior to change. My daughter is two, and we don't really have tantrums. Unless she is exhausted or starving, at which point I have to acknowledge that I dropped the ball. But the bottom line is that she doesn't get to win any arguments we have. I've already started preparing for when she turns thirteen! As a single mom I've always felt like I have to be the clear authority.
We have very little drama in this house, and none in public. We are happy and usually have a lot of fun together. Oh, I did invest this fall in toys she would use by herself. Big things that she wouldn't carry to wherever I was. I thought her independence was slipping.
Good luck,
Martha

At 18 months, it's already getting late and will be a struggle, but it's not too late! You're asking how to cope, not how to change it, but if you want to change the behavior, let me know.

Don't analyze why he's having the fits-he wants a cell phone-he doesn't like his dad-etc. He's training you to do what he wants if he screams. There will always be a reason. Kids can be taught not to begin tantrums by nipping it in the whining stage with firm discipline. We have a 3 1/2 year old and 2 year old who do not have tantrums and never did. Our whole extended family nips tantrums this way and has no terrible 2s and 3s and can take the kids anywhere. It takes only a few training sessions to learn you are consistent with consequences after calm warnings. It takes a back bone and includes spanking.

If you want the calm, methodical method with no yelling, let me know. You can have him crying a few times because his bottom stings or have him raging in tantrums for a few years of his own volition. Our kids are much happier and spend much more time playing than their peers who are allowed to have tantrums. Getting super fed up and occasionally spanking doesn't work, and neither do any passive methods like talking, ignoring or time outs. There is a specific method.

You can decide to give up and let him outgrow it himself, but this is a parenting choice, not the way it has to be. At the very least, you should never give into the screaming by playing with him. Even though ignoring will not teach him the behavior is wrong and will enable him to do it as long as he wants, at least you wouldn't be rewarding him.

Hi C.--I think of tantrums as the last desperate attempt to communicate--so try to look for signs earlier. Transitions (Daddy comes home and Mommy takes off and leaves him) can be hard for little ones. Can you guys try doing a more gentle "hand-off"? Like all three of you play together for awhile, or sing songs. Almost like when you leave a baby at daycare, you make sure the teacher is ready to redirect the child after mom says goodbye. Try to re-assess what has to get done, too--I know there's a minimal amount of laundry, cleaning, cooking that HAS TO get done, but really examine this. 18-month olds need a LOT of attention. I disagree that you're training him to scream to get what he wants by helping him when he screams. The trick is to be more attentive, more proactive, and help him get what he needs before he has to scream to get it. It sounds also like he likes screens/pictures. Have you tried putting on a movie at the end of the day when your husband is about to arrive? (I know this is controversial, tv for young kids.) Maybe they could both just unwind a bit--first with you there, then you can slip away for a few minutes if you must. Another idea, since it sounds like this happens right before dinner, maybe he's already too hungry? Can you do a snack while you get dinner together? Good luck, try not to worry.

Hi, C.:

First of all you are a good mother and your husband is a good father.

With that being said, What begins the tug-of-war?

Start at the beginning of the day, when does the behavior start?

The child needs something when his behavior's start to excalate? What is it?

As you probably know that the emotional behavior of a child develops into the social behavior as he grows into adulthood.

Second of all, Stop giving him things to appease him.

Until you learn to identify what the child needs, leave him to have his temper tantrums.

You are a good mother, you just needs some tools and skills to deal with the situation.

Learn infant massage to give him massages at nap time and at bedtime.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Let your child play by himself during the day when you are at home with him. sometimes,i put my child in his crib to watch his dvd's or in his highchair and let him color while i get some things done at home. He may whine and complain at first but he will get used to doing things by himself. I feel bad that he does not want to hang out with your husband. may be leave the house one night when he comes home and let your husband play with him. I would do this a few times. with you not around he will eventually pay attention to your husband and hang out with him.

HI C.. If you want to stop the screaming and whining you have to stop reacting to them. You need to be calm, cool and collected and not give in to them. I know it seems as though your son is too young, but he isn't and he is playing you. Tell him the rules: No screaming no whining. Keep it simple. If he screams/whines look at him and tell him to calm down, you can't understand him or get him something or play with him when he is screaming/whining. Keep your voice level and calm but stern. Do not laugh, cry, or scream back at him. BE NUTURAL!! IF you don't break this habit now, he will do it forever...trust me on that one! Believe it or not after a few times he will stop. It doesn't take children long to figure out when things won't work. Best wishes.

If he's having a tantrum with your husband, your husband has to take care of it, if you come to him, you're telling him he can get you to do what he wants by yelling. Don't try to appease him when he's having a tanturm, unless you want him to do this whenever he wants to get his way. He's training you to do what he wants, not what you want him to do. I would buckle my boys in their highchair until they calmed down if they were doing it to me. My husband was also very calm, patient with them. Essentially, we would ignrore them until they calmed down; if the boys wanted our attention, they had to act nice. Not the easiest thing to do and I was often ranting to myself in my head. You son has to get used to being with Dad, it will be good for both of them. Dad just needs to stay calm and tell your son you are not available and he's staying with him. I doubt there's something your son needs that your husband cannot do for him, unless you're still nursing!

good luck!