How to Best Resolve Family Drama?

And just why did you feel the need to get involved? This whole mess was not even between you and the SIL...you getting involved just made it worse. You need to step back and let things calm down for a while.

You simply apologize. Don't qualify your apology. "I'm sorry that I said what I did. I shouldn't have said anything, and I should have stayed out of the situation when Mom opened her mouth. I'm sorry that what I said hurt you and your wife."

Don't add any, "... but/if/then" or anything like that. They'll be much more likely to accept the apology and move on AND you'll be more likely to get an apology for what they said to you.

From here on out, don't get involved in other people's drama. If your brother vents about his wife, don't take that as a hit on her character or assume that she's an all around bad person. Take it with a grain of salt and remember that there are always two sides to every story. He will always paint himself in a better light than he'll paint her when they're having problems. So when he vents, just listen and nod and remember that she's probably not the shrew he says she is so don't offer up opinions on the situations. Or let him know that you don't feel comfortable listening to his marital problems. Then get to know her better on a personal level without your brother around. You might find she's much nicer if you get to know her on your own.

First of all, I think you need to give it a little time for you to calm down. You won't get anywhere if you continue in anger/frustration. I think once you calm down, you should CALL your brother, not e-mail, text or whatever, but a personal phone call and tell him you are sorry for the e-mail. Admit that you were bitchy and that you are truly sorry. Also, let him know that you love him and would really like to put this stupid fight behind you and that you should not have gotten involved in the situation between his wife and your mother. Perhaps it's not that your SIL won't forgive your mother, but that her feelings are so hurt and she heard what your mother said and she now feels like the family doesn't like her and she's just avoiding being around people she now knows doesn't care for her. I know that if my mother-in-law were to say mean things to me, I would be hurt and embarassed and would avoid them because of the hurt and embarassment, not anger. Try to empathize with your SIL for a change - you might see things differently. And I would stay away from the wine from now on - nothing good EVER comes from people who are drinking!

Give it time.

Both you and your mother are 100% in the wrong here. Your mother didn't have the right or responsibility to say whatever she said regardless of the truth or wine. You shouldn't have sent the email. How did you honestly think that would end?

You're too angry? I'm betting your anger is a fraction of theirs. Let it go for a while. In a month or two, send an email with a genuine apology and ask them if it's okay to stop by. Be prepared for a "no", but at least you tried. If you are not sure that your email is well-worded have someone else read it before you send it, preferably someone who doesn't really know the situation. Post it here, whatever, but don't send it without someone filtering it first.

What did you say to them? It must have been pretty hurtful.

Bleh. I hate that kind of stuff.
My family is a say it, discuss it, forget it type of family.
My in-laws--not so much.

Bad move on your part to approach this meeting and/or issue via email.
All issues need to be discussed face-to-face-to face. (you, bro, SIL)
Your mother has already apologized.
No need for you to live by random, silly rules suddenly made up after the incident--that's ridiculous.

I am probably not the best person to respond because it wouldn't take wine for me to spill what is on my mind if it has been stewing for six years.

As much as this may sound antisocial I don't think it is healthy to force yourself to be around a toxic person just to keep the peace. At least in my case with my ex's family it lead to a lot of heavy drinking when I was around them. Apparently wine has the opposite effect on me as your mother. :p

I guess what I am saying is let it go. Your sister in law is the one behaving badly and their reaction of just keeping it going even though your mother apologized makes me feel like she isn't as pure as the driven snow, ickle little victim she seems to want to make her out to be.

Chances are by Christmas they will have forgiven all of you so as to not miss out on gifts. :(

I agree with the apology answser.
I personally do not believe it is okay to say whatever you feel to someone just because they are family. I have a friend whose family does this, and there is constant contention.
We're talking FAMILY-the people we should love the most!
Please remember that your brother LOVES this woman with his entire being, whether anyone else does or not. Rejecting her is in a sense rejecting him.
Retaliation with words only seems like it will make you feel better.
The Bible verse that comes to mind is A soft answer turns away wrath. This is so very true.
Please don't let the human feeling of pride conquer this situation. Don't let the holidays roll around with a broken family and contention.
If the sister in law really is difficult, love her anyway, look past her flaws, and just limit your time together, if that's what you need to do.

This same thing happened to my family. My sil was acting extremely rude and mean to everyone for no reason. It caught us all off gaurd, b/c she was usually very sweet. Her brother very nicely and calmly asked if she was feeling okay. She all of a sudden started accusing the family of being a family of liers and haters and screamers and just went on, she even threatedned to call teh cops on my fil just b/c he raised his voice one time to say do not speak to your mother like that. (My mil is an angel by the way) So, my two sil's ganged up on each other, spread a whole bunch of lies *like we are abusing our children and are dangerous and going to hell and all that) and it's just totally bizarre why they just decided to start hating everyone.

So, it's been over a year now. One sister refuses to speak to anyone, and the other sister is barely coming around, though she continues to think the family should worship her, for who knows why. With people like this, they get their panties in a wad and think they are better than everyone and the world owes them. They can't handle a simple disagreement or move on and anytime you try to speak to them they will turn your words against you and accuse you of something new.

The best way to deal with it, is to move on. Don't talk to them about it, don't respond to the emails, keep your distance. It's very sad, especially if children are involved. We can no longer see our niece and neither can her grandparents (they did absolutely nothing wrong). Only time will help the situation... and even then you will always have to be very guarded around these people. No more need to keep resolving issues or for your mil to apologize, they will always have a reason to be mad.

I think you need to let him and it go. We have a situation like that and when in the room, I just sit there and keep my mouth shut. I have also decided to NOT care what is going on in there side of the family. It kills me to not be around my niece, but for my sanity and the sanity of family gatherings I've had to let it go.

M.

This is really between your mother and your SIL. I say that you should butt out. If your mother wants to sit down with your SIL and deal with it, she will.

In my humble opinion, of course.

Maybe you could try and start up an email conversation with your brother. Send him a new and fresh message that apologizes for previous emails and tells him that you'd like to talk to him and if he prefers to do it written that would be fine but you don't want this whole thing to come between you. This way you will have time to think about how and what you want to say before you compose a message. Or maybe you and he can just sit down first, maybe in a neutral location like Starbucks or something and discuss some things without his wife around. Then, you can sit down with her and maybe your mom. I think you talking to your brother first is most important.