How Should I Approach My Friends, Their Son Urinated All over My Craft Room?

I personally would not assume that the 3 year old could get his diaper back on afterwards!

I think it is too late to really do anything about it, and unless you and the mom are close, it won't be a productive conversation... there is nothing to be done! If you are close with her, I'd just casually mention "you are not going to belive what I found after the kids played in the basement". I would let her draw her own conclusions about who did it, and play it off more as a funny thing. You can't punish the kids this far after the fact.

I just have to say that I'm beginning to hate this website. There has not been a single time that I have posted something that I haven't been barraged by women who think they are a group of mother theresas!
A simple question is asked and you immediately get attacked by moms who claim that they have never made such a parenting mistake. (which by the way, YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!!!!)
This incident undoubtedly took place in a matter of seconds. Anyone with a child should understand that! I'm sure your friend would understand the need to approach her about it. I would want someone to do the same for me.

As for the rest of you......

Aren't we on this forum to help each other and to encourage each other as women and mothers? It really gets under my skin that people get on here to judge and attack each other. I know that the whole reason I check out mamasource is for HELPFUL feedback. I don't think someone who doesn't care about the way they parent would even care enough to be on here. There have been times that I've posted a question and ended up feeling worse about the situation than before. THIS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN!! If you are just here to one-up other people then make your own forum somewhere else. Here's an idea. ithinkiparentbetterthanyou.com

Sorry D., I just had to take this oppurtunity while I had it.

I see no reason to be anything less than honest! I would want to know if my child did this to correct the behavior.

Call your friend or meet with her, and just tell her that one or more of the three boys urinated in several places in your basement, and that you thought she should know so she can be aware and handle it on her end, maybe ask her boys about it and reinforce bathroom skills out of the house.

Just be sure to let her know that you're not mad, don't expect anything from her, and are still willing to watch her kids so she doesn't feel uncomfortable about staying friends with you, she might be really embarassed.

I would approach it from the standpoint of having the other mom be an ally is solving this "mystery". Tell her what happened and say that you are not sure who did it and could she talk to her boys and see what she can find out. You might never find out what really happened but at least she'll know and can handle it from her end. Sorry that you had to clean that up! Sounds pretty darn gross!

As long as you are respectful and calm, and treat this as something you would want to know about yourself, there is no reason to feel apologetic for telling the truth. Acknowledge that you can't be certain which child (or children) did it, but that this situation occurred and the other parents would certainly want to know about the possibility that their son(s) participated.

Because of the "targets," it sounds a little playful and prankish, which could also be expected and excused in young boys, but would ideally be addressed by all parental types.

I do find myself wondering why the boys had so much time without your supervision, but maybe that simply doesn't come clear in your retelling. If you could have been paying more attention to the potty needs of the youngest, you might want to admit to that, as well.

Number one, I don't buy for a second that your son didn't know anything about the urine in the craft room. (I read your question to my husband, and (after he finished laughing)that was the FIRST thing he said, too.)

Number two, I don't buy that the three year old was the only culprit. It sounds like someone had a wonderful time playing "sprinkler." This was something those boys (all three of them would be MY guess) had a WONDERFUL time doing.

You're just not going to convince me that a three year old would have come up with this all by himself. If he WAS the only one who peed (and you gave him a gallon of apple juice to drink ahead of time), the other boys put him up to it. Could it have only been the five year old brother? Sure. But you're not going to convince me that your six year old wasn't in the constant company of his guests the entire time.

I'm in agreement with the other poster, if you don't believe your son was involved in this or at LEAST knew about it, you shouldn't say a word to your friends and you should keep a closer eye on them in the future.

I can tell you what I wouldn't do and that is to tell her that one of her boys urinated all over...which I saw someone earlier suggested. You have absolutely NO proof that one of them did it. The first thing I would do if someone told me my child did something was ask if they knew this for sure or were just assuming. I never want to believe my children are to blame or the ring leader either, but come on! I'm willing to bet that your son did know something about it. Maybe he didn't do it, but he more than likely knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it. It doesn't sound like an accident to me, it sounds like a game they were playing. And I think if the 3yo did do some of it, the older boys probably put him up to it. I can't imagine a 3 yo coming up with something like that but I can certainly see older boys putting the younger ones up to something!!!

What I probably would do is sit down with all 3 of them the next time you are together. I would think you are going to have an easier time getting them to be honest if you don't threaten them with anything and if you handle it very calmly, and telling them that honesty is always the better way to go. This might seem harsh to some, or dishonest, but for awhile our 5yo daughter was starting to tell some lies and blame things on our dog or her 18mo brother. We told her we have a video camera set up and that if we need to, we'll check the tape and find out what really happened. It seems to have worked because she has started telling the truth the first time around and we haven't even mentioned the video camera anymore. We never actually had to "look at the tape" because she always said "OK, here's what really happened" I know, maybe it's not honest and that's what we're trying to teach so might seem hypocritical, but it's worked for us.

If you want to talk with her, I would first try and talk with the 3 of them to find out what happened. Better, I would talk with the 2 older ones on their own! If you find out what happened, then you could talk with her but I would caution against a conversation that starts with "your son (s) did this and mine had nothing to do with it" kind of attitude. Parents always rush to defend their children.

Good luck...I'm sure it was totally gross cleaning that up and I know I would be pretty angry having to do it!

Honesty (With the parents of the "Offender") is the best thing I can offer in this situation. It's hard sometimes (Admittedly) hearing things our kids have done, but any of us that have them know...the craziest things happen.

Then let it ride hopefully they'll talk to their young one about it. if it happens again, then maybe a sit down/get together with all involved.

Something I've learned (Two boys of my own) you don't always get the truth the first time out. and sometimes you have to let them go on a lie, as long as they know that's what it is.

Hi D.,

I think that the way you explained what happened in your description on Mamasource sounds exactly like the way you should tell her. Starting with . . .

"I don't want to cause any unneeded embarrassment, but I feel like this should not go unmentioned."

. . . and maybe adding, "I would want someone to tell me."

sounds great to me. Keep your tone in a way that empathizes with her 'situation' and if she is reasonable at all, things should work out.

Good luck!

I think you should have done it right after you discovered it and now I'd say as soon as possible. I think it's fishy that your son was playing with them although knows nothing about it.
I would go over in person to the mom and just "cut to the chase" and say: after the boys were downstairs in the craft room I went down and there was urine here and there. I don't know how this happened but would like to confront all three boys and remind them to use the bathroom and that this was inappropriate. Maybe they can do some clean up or at least be told what you had to do to clean up. This can be done without being angry just informing her about it. If she gets upset to you for accusing her child of this or alienates her, really that's her problem and it's not your job to make her feel comfortable or uncomfortable. She just needs to know what went on. The three year old just needs reminding from her and you where to go potty. R.

I would just bring it up casually, and tell her what happened and that you spoke with your son, and ask her to just touch base with hers, then there is no tone of accusation. I bet you wish it had been just a puddle eh?

D...

If you like this friend, I wouldn't approach her unless YOU PERSONALY WITNESSED her son doing it. I suggest wait until next time you have a get-together, wherever that may be, gather ALL the kids together WITH the moms and say "OK...last time you all were at my house, one of you peed in my craft room, let's NOT do that again. If it was one of you and it happens again, you're going to be in very big trouble". That will definitely start a "forum" on this subject between the moms. If you're lucky MAYBE the mother of that child will know and admit that it was her kid and apologize. However, if that doesn't happen, I would just let it go and hope it never happens again after that. Just make sure you REMIND ALL the kids NOT to pee outside of the bathroom at your house.

I just think it's a BAD idea to point out ONE kid when you did NOT personally witness it. Even if you KNOW it was that one kid. If you want to save your friendship...just let it go.

I think you should keep your mouth shut - especially if you want to keep the friendship.

It was YOUR responsibility to watch these children, correct? I have to say that if I'd left my young children in your care and you left them unsupervised in an unfamiliar and unchildproofed area and then had the gall to complain to me that my three year old might have urinated in your craft room the ONLY thing I would take from that conversation would be that I was very wrong in trusting you to take care of my children.

(And I wouldn't be so certain that your six year old and the five year old weren't part of that. When little boys get together things can became a pee-fest. I just don't believe that a three year old could have peed in so many entertaining locations. And I darn sure don't believe for a SECOND that your son wouldn't have at least been aware of what was happening.)

If the five or three year old had deliberately smashed windows in your home, your friends would not be morally or legally responsible. You were the adult who was supposed to have been supervising them. You had them for four hours but didn't supervise them closely enough to notice when the urine appeared? Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but this is 100% your responsibility and I do NOT think you should say a word to your friends - especially considering your son almost certainly DID have a part in this, regardless of what you think.

What you've described isn't an "accident" - this isn't a case of someone who really really had to pee but couldn't make it to the bathroom. This was a fun pee-fest . . . and fun pee-fests usually aren't started by a three year old and they usually aren't a one-child event. I'd be willing to bet that all three of them were involved in this. If you agree with THIS scenario, I would suggest that you speak to all three boys and the other parents because this scenario is vandalism NOT an oops. (But if you do NOT agree that your child had any involvement, I'd say to keep quiet and supervise the children better in the future.)

(I have a lot of training and experience with regard to interviewing children. When interviewing a child, you NEVER ask "if" they did something. You ask "why" they did it. Generally honest children will often have a knee-jerk reaction to deny and then they have to stick with their story because they're afraid of getting into more trouble. If you ask a child in a calm and reasonable voice "honey, why did you pee all over Mommy's craft room?" you will either get a denial or an "I don't know." The denials in this type of scenario is a bit more reliable.)

I have to agree with the other folks who point out that a 3-yr old is unlikely to have come up with this idea all by himself and that how you question your child plays a huge role in the type of answers you get.

It's totally understandable that you want to believe your child and I hope you don't think we're all calling your kid a liar. More than likely, your kid understands what happened was wrong and either doesn't want to fess up to it for fear of punishment or is embarrassed by having taken part in it.

You're not a bad babysitter for letting the kids go play. But since this is an issue and you will essentially never know exactly what happened, I would recommend keeping a closer eye on the kids the next time you have kids over.

If you still feel compelled to talk to the other parents, I would definitely not single out their kid as the culprit. You just don't have the evidence to suggest that their kid did it alone. As others have mentioned, go for the humor, "Those darn kids had a pee fest" approach. This lets them know something happened without being accusatory.

Good luck!

I'm not absolutely certain what to say to your sons' friends' parents but I'm pretty certain if you say that your son did nothing and their son is solely responsible you will not get a very positive reaction from them.

If it were me, even if I were convinced my child had nothing to do with it, I would tell them that there was an incident while the boys were playing and that 'they', the boys, urinated on your furniture. Trust me the less accusations about what their child did the better. No one likes their child to be accused of something like this especially when the parent of the other child claims it was their child and only their child.

I wouldn't just let it go however because they should speak to their son about the appropriate place and time to urinate.

Good luck,
C.

I would be completely straight forward with your friend, your tone will indicate your sensitivity to the subject.

I would mention what you found and that you talked to your son about it and that she may want to talk to her sons about it.

I have family in the area that I always call when I need a babysitter, but on a few occasions I have needed to ask a friend to help. And sometimes it is a friend from church that I might not know as well as some other friends, but regardless of how long we've been friends, I would want to know if my son did something like that at someone's house. This will either help make your friendship stronger or she might take it badly and be offended, but that is not your fault. If you are sincere and kind in your tone of voice and she takes offense then that is what she is feeling in her heart, and I am sure that she will eventually come around.

Good Luck,
M.

Hi D., Please consider that this was done by both boys and not only your friend's son. Most kids this age (5-6) do know that urinating outside of the restroom is inappropriate, including your own son. But they also do really stupid stuff together and then blame the other one...its normal for kids to blame the other one only and exclude themselves from the action when being confronted by their parent or other authority figure, or say that they don't know anything about it. My "kids" are 24 and 27 now and have told me about things they did as kids that I thought was done by others. I'd suggest that you tell your friend about what "the boys" did. If you accuse her child only, you will cause a rift that will affect your and your child's relationship with them for a long time. Put yourself in her position. How would you react if she accused only your son of doing something at her house. My guess is that you would insist that your son would never do something like that. However, if you say that they both did this and you want to make sure they know not to do this again at anyones home, you will be facing this as a team, two moms keeping their kids on track. Good Luck. J.

Hello - I have 3 young boys and my youngest recently had an accident at my friends' house (a BM on the floor), so it was a similar situation. My friends approached me and told me what happened. My son was sitting right there and we all chimed in about how important it was for him to ask for help when he needed to use the bathroom. They were very matter-of-fact about it and I appreciated hearing it - I would have been really embarrassed had they not brought it up and one of my other sons had told me. Since you did not know what had happened at the time that your friend picked her kids up, I would call her or just tell her the next time you see her. She should know that her son is doing this (even if it was an accident) because maybe he thinks it's okay to pee anywhere if he is just learning.

Well, first - you don't REALLY know what happened, just like you said. So, when you approach your friend, I would recommend bringing it up as something you discovered when ALL the boys were down there. Tell her the truth - that you did ask your son, but he seems to be pleading the 5th (and very normal by the way) so you're not sure how to handle it or who is to blame. Then you guys can come up with a plan of attack together. Then for yourself - consider it a lesson learned. The craft room is off limits when Mommy's not in it or something like that.

Even if your son truly did not have anything to do with it. It can still be a teachable moment to him if he has to help the others clean it up or what not. You can teach him about compassion and being sure to take care of his younger friends if they need help with something like having to go to the bathroom.

I do not agree with Daniella D. at all. We have all watched kids before, but doesn't mean you have to stand over their shoulder. My kids go and play in the bedroom but because they are out of sight does that mean thats bad. No, not at all!!

Who cares if you embrass the friend, it wasn't her mistake. Would you want to know if your child was doing this?? I would, so give that parent the same respect. Plus, you are helping out the parent and child from future possible "embrassments".

I wouldn't call this an accident either. An accident is peeing on yourself or even peeing in one spot of the room but all over the stuff-I don't think so. That child did it on purpose!!! What if the child was doing this out of spite or anger-he needs to be controlled. And maybe the parent shouldn't have him over to play if he isn't completely potty trained, that can be a little stressful and confusing to someone so small.

So through all this-confront the mother, just do it with respect. Try not to point fingers, let her know that you did talk to your son about this and its only fair that she talks to her son about it as well-both of them were playing down stairs.

Good Luck!

D.,

Short of yelling at your friends something like "your children are horrible and ruined my room" just sit down and explain what happened. I do NOT recommend my first suggestion, and I doubt you are the type of person to do that. :)

I'd just set up a time for you all to get together and mention to them that the morning after you watched your kids you discovered that your craft room had been used as a bathroom. Maybe take pictures of the ruined things, and the room in general to show that it wasn't just a puddle, but all over the place. Make sure to let them know that you're not terribly mad, but would like this to be a learning experience for everyone.

As long as you stay calm and collected there shouldn't be a problem.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I would definitely bring it up, but take the approach that you'd like her help in figuring out what happened. Tell her what you observed when you discovered the mess and ask her to talk to her boys about it (separately would be best so they aren't influenced by what each other says or scared of having the other one get mad at them for something they say). Then the two of you can compare notes as mothers and she may give you additional background about one of them or have some more details that help fill in the picture of what really happened. If you tackle this issue together it isn't about right and wrong, but sorting out what happened and help whoever did it. Good luck!

My guess is it was one or both of the older boys (the 5 year old or your 6 year old). I doubt a 3 year old would take off his diaper, pee over everything, then put his diaper back on, that doesn't sound plausible. Tell your friend what happened and ask her to ask her children how it happened because you'd like to find out if your son had a part in it so you can talk with him. (By saying it this way you are informing your friend, without sounding like you are blaming only her children, yet she will learn what happened and likely speak with her children and/or punish them as well) If both her children and your own say the other one did it, or that they don't know, then you'll just have to speak to all of them.

You might just say something as simple as.

An Interesting thing happened yesterday when our 3 boys were together. I found.... describe the situation. (They will be aghast as they will be thinking of how they would feel if it were there house.) You could ask them to talk with their sons, & see if they know anything about this? Let them do the research & come up with the information, then you are not accusing anyone, just stating the facts. As a teacher, I'm sure it will come out fine, you've been talking with parents regarding children for a while. I understand with this one, you have something to loose, (personal friendship), but the way you have presented it here, me thinks you'll be just fine.
A.

I have found when something odd like this happens to use humor. You use the fact that it was done in the craft room. Example: "I use my craft room for many different things and your sons imagination added to that (with a little giggle) and then tell them what happened. I don't think you will need to be stern becuase if they are good parents they are immediately going to be upset, embarassed etc. I would let them know it is not a huge deal to you but they might want to bring it up to their son and the next person might not be so understanding. Children fully understand what they are dong no matter what grown ups think. If you think about all thebooks we read and shows we watch about poty training never shows anyone urinating all over. So my opinion this was intentional. Do you need to neccesarily go into that with the parents? no. They get this! So.. I would use humor, pray about it and I am sure all will work out. Maybe the next time the litle guy is over you can show him what a craft room is used for. Good Luck even though you won't need it and remember just handle the situation as as if it happened to you.

oh my goodness! I don't know how I would aproach this but be prepared for a negative response. You know your friend best but I had to tell a friend something that her kids did while at my house and now we don't speak, she got really mad and said it was my kids. OH NO IT WAS NOT, my kids no better.
good luck
D.

I think it would be completely appropriate to tell your friends your concern and also have a chat with ALL of the boys with parents present...yes, even the one you believe had nothing to do with it.

Tell them you don't care who did it, but you EXPECT that it will NEVER happen again. This way, nobody will feel "singled-out".

If I knew my child was involved in a situation like this (and I have to agree with the other posters who feel that all 3 were probably involved), I'd be determined to remedy the situation.

I don't think you did anything wrong, and the parents of the other boys didn't either. They're boys, they're curious, they're still learning their bodies, etc. You could come up with a dozen different "excuses" for what happened...BUT, they are in your home, with your belongings and they need to learn to respect that. If your friends get mad because of it--well, maybe they don't respect you or your house.

This might come across as harsh (sorry Ashley G), but it seems like when we tiptoe around issues and teach our kids that doing things like this is somehow excuseable, we are having low expectations. Kids need to know firmly, that there are expectations that are to be followed--it helps them build character.

I remember back in the old days, my neighbors gave us good "talking-tos" whenever a group of us did something inappropriate (like the time we threw mud on our neighbor's garage door)--and all the parents worked together to make sure we behaved appropriately.

Hi D.,
It sounds like you dealt with this with tact and all resolved well.

I also am chuckling because it sounds like something my 3-year-old would do. He has experimented peeing in all sorts of places at all kinds of times. I have caught him going in the shower, off our back deck, and even one time he decided just to whip his pants down while were were on a walk, much to my horror! Also in the house, and he would pull his diaper off and put it back on...oh yes, he would. They're smarter than we give them credit for. He's fully potty trained now, but I perceived it to be normal at the time, and still do. From a woman's point of view, we can't relate. From a boy's point of view...well, it's like a little toy attached to their body. They can shoot that pee all around and it's kinda fun, like a water gun. My 1-year-old even grabs his goods and waves it around!

My older son is just now 6, and he probably wouldn't tell on his younger brother as he's old enough to understand that he could possibly get in trouble and be sent to the corner. He himself was different, although he will sometimes run around naked and be silly and waggle the goods...he never peed anywhere but where he was told to. He's a more conservative personality all the way around, to say the least!

All the best to you!
~ K.

I agree with the moms that say let it go. You are just going to embarras your friend. If I were that friend, I would wonder why you left my very little boys unattended for so long. I appreciate you seeing this as a teaching moment, but there will be plenty of other teaching moments for this mom to take care of. A teaching moment for someone else's kid (of this particularly young age) is something you should stay out of. My opinion would be different if these were big boys.

You mentioned that the 3 year old had a diaper on? There is no way that he is going to be able to get that back on by himself after peeing. 4 hours with you and you didn't take him to the bathroom? As a mother of a 3 year who is potty training, you have to take them to the bathroom whether or not they say they have to go. It's the "training" part. They usually do not want to stop playing to take the time to go.
I have to agree with the others that if I was the kids' parent, I would be upset to know that you left them alone long enough to not know what happened (and in a room with crafts...scissors, beads???). You could mention what happened to your friends, but I would not suggest in any way that it was the 3 year old's fault if you don't know that for sure.

lol. Sorry. I had to. My then 4 y/o grandson repeatedly peeded in the glass and nickel trash can beside the toilet in my guest bathroom (and missed)so frequently that the metallic coating came off of the metal. He was very potty trained, but had fairly bad aim. That isn't something a grandmother can help with by the time they are that old. As the guest bathroom was only used occasionally, and I'd clean it once a week, I couldn't figure out how the urine got in the can. I lectured him repeatedly on having better aim and complained how I was tired of having to clean the area after he used it. Finally, I realized that I should just remove the trash can every time he came over and that solved the problem. But I only figured out what he was doing after he forgot to dump it in the toilet one time. Oh, and there wasn't any other child or adult with opportunity at the correct times.

So, yes, at least one boy at 4 y/o is capable of some "pee-fest". When I told my other daughter who has two sons who were 3 and 8 at the time about it she laughed and said that she too had just had her boys doing a pee fest into the bathtub at about the same time, and she lived in another state far away.

Thus, it's most likely that one boy started and all 3 joined in, and the 3 y/o may have had help getting his diaper back on. It would be just like that age to not realize that it would eventually be discovered, and just like a 6 y/o to instinctively say he knew nothing as he is well aware of where his urine is supposed to go by that age.

I'd tell the other mom, but I'd do it in a laughing at the funny/horror story sort of way, admit to not watching the boys closely enough -- although it's possible it was done in less than 10 min. as my grandson would only be in the bathroom that long -- but more likely longer because of the variety of locations -- and promise that for sure next time you'll keep a closer eye on them, and she should just be aware that they seem to have a new game which needs to be nipped in the bud or she's likely to find an unappealing surprise herself.

Likely, with that sort of approach she'll be apologizing to you for her boys part in it, promise to tell her boys to never do that again, and pay close attention when she next babysits.

She could however, go off the deep end and blame you for not supervising minutely, accuse you of lying, insist your son was either the ringleader or sole participant, or just think you absolutely disgusting for even telling her about it. If she does any of the above, I'd politely tell her that she's on the wrong track and you do hope that someday her head can find it's way back to the correct one, but you'll not be at the station waiting for that to happen.

Good luck!

Oh, and I recall my 3 brothers having distance contests even when they were a few years older than these boys. Yes, they were horribly embarrassed when I made my presence in the back yard known. This is truly one time I can say boys will be boys and there wasn't anything 'mental' about any of it.

'Course, if it happens again, I'd say there was some mental or degenerate thing happening to at least one of the boys and a serious discussion should happen with the other parents so you can get to the bottom of it.

Let me understand this. You left a three year old alone in a room with beads and other craft items? He was alone long enough that he had a chance to pee in this room?

You are the one who should be embarrassed. It was your responsibility to be watching him.

Clean it up, let it go, and watch him more carefully next time. His life is in your hands.

R.

If I were in your shoes I would let it go. The next time they are over do not let them go in the basement. Set all three of them down and explain what happened in the basement.

Instead of asking the little one if he has to go potty tell him to use the bathroom.

You may be convinced that your son did not do it but maybe he really did.

JMHO
K.

Hi D.,
If I was your friend and you tell me that I will get very upset by the fact that you left my kids without supervision. May be next time when you have someone leaving theirs kids with you to watch them, you should actually watch them. Yes, D., I watch kids all the time but I never take my eyes away from them. The fact that they did that tells me that you wasn't there. You must be thankful that the only thing happened was one of them had pee on the table. Where were you?