How Not to Hurt My Inlaws Feelings

Sadly the only way here is to be honest. I would just tell them you're not comfortable (not necessarily because of their age) but because of their driving record. It's better to be honest and not let your son go and have him be safe...than to try to protect your inlaws feelings and have something happen.

I know it's hard. I'm in a similar situation with my inlaws who live only an hour away and are livid that we don't let our daughter stay over night with them. First, she's only 4...but my FIL is an awful driver as well and they just don't pay attention to our daughter when they do have her. I know they get mad at me in particular and their feelings are hurt...but I'd rather my child be safe. We used to side-step the subject all the time but then they just became more demanding and we had to come clean and just admit we don't feel comfortable. I'm sure it hurt their feelings...but they got over it and the wonderful thing is they've stopped asking.

You've got a lot of good advice here. Let me tell you what happened to my grandmother. She was a very active, healthy lady at 76 years old, who enjoyed camping with my parents and she even had her own camping van and would follow them in their motorhome on the various vacations that she went on with them. She almost always had a grandchild with her on these camping trips, but her last trip she miraculously didn't. She was following my parents in her van after they had just stopped for breakfast on their trek. All of a sudden, my dad looked in his rearview mirror and he saw her van rolling. She had to be medi-vacced to a local hospital, where she died of massive injuries.

Apparently, my grandmother had recently been showing signs of age and one of her daughters (my dad's sisters) later told my dad that my grandmother had fallen asleep at the wheel while she was driving my aunt somewhere. I think there were a couple of similar instances and warning signs, but my grandmother told her daughters not to tell my dad because she feared that he would (rightly) do the right thing and forbid her to drive any more. Can you imagine how my aunts felt after my grandmother's death?

Of course we were all absolutely devastated that this happened and we mourned her loss greatly as she was a wonderful, wonderful woman whom we all cherished and loved dearly. Do you know what our one consolation was? That she didn't have any of the grandchildren with her because they would have surely perished, as well.

You and your wife are absolutely correct to not allow her parents to drive your son anywhere. The warning signs are already there. Perhaps a short family vacation is in order, where they visit you or you go to them and stay. Very best of luck to you in this touchy situation.

Hi Williams,

What exactly is your wife's position? Is she in favor of it in spite of all that you have told us?

I agree with Shannon that the only thing you can do is be honest with them. Your child's safety is more important than your in-laws feelings! I can't imagine any mother who wouldn't agree! If your wife is considering it only to keep the peace, ask her how she would feel if it were your parents, not hers.

The fact that they have had a few car accidents really ought to make the decision all by itself. I'm curious as to how your wife could possibly feel comfortable just knowing that fact alone?

Tough situation to be in, that's for sure. Does your wife know you came here for opinions? I'd like to hear her thoughts on this if she is willing.

;

Your wife has to be honest with them. Remember this is for their safety and the public's safety as well as your sons safety. Haven't you all ever read and article about an elderly person with a history of accidents, but is still driving and endangers others? You wonder, "why didn't their family do something about this?" Believe me, we have been through this with our grandparents and now with our parents. We all promised each other when the signs of danger would start appearing, we would tell each other.

If driving is the only hesitation, please speak with them. They will not be around forever and soon your son will honestly not always have a week in the summer to go and stay with his beloved grandparents.

At some points we have to start having really tough discussions with our parents. We are a ll grown ups and we can be honest. They can handle it, if it is told truthfully and from the heart. Have your wife use words like, "we love you guys", "we are concerned about".. , "It feels to us that"... If they try to turn it around , just remind her to say "we BOTH feel this way".

I am sending you and your family strength.. Some of my husbands and my best memories are of weeks spent with our own grandparents. I am sure they are wonderful people and really love your son..

I am sending you and your wife strength.

is there any way you can take your son for a visit? but not leave him? Maybe tell them he is signed up for sports, school, vacation bible school etc.... make it into one of those conversations about how he is getting older and man oh man are you two busy with stuff..... now. tell them your coming for a visit but can only stay the weekend and then you do all the driving. or even better invite them to stay with you and then you can do all the driving

What a tough spot to be in. Your son's safety needs to come first. Just be honest in the most gentle way possible. If you feel like your son would be safe if they stayed out of the car, then make that a stipulation. Tell them to humor you. If not, then just try to make as much time for them to see your son as possible. The best you can do is all you can do. Don't beat yourselves up over it.

Hi W. - I can understand that you might be concerned about your son driving with them, especially if they are getting into accidents. It's terribly hard seeing parents age, isnt it?

If they are 75 and 80, then I think you should take every opportunity available for your son to visit his grandparents. Trust me, there are grandparents out there who dont have a lot of interest in their grandkids, especially when they get a little older. They sound like they love your little guy a lot. I encourage you to protect that bond between your son and his grandparents. I think it's wrong to make up excuses and lie to them. In a gentle way tell them how you feel and dont judge them. "dad, your driving makes us nervous, how about if we come to see you".

It's close enough to just stay for the weekend I'm sure your wife would enjoy seeing her parents too. If she doesnt want to stay at their home, book a hotel with a pool. While your son is hanging out with gm and gp, you and your wife go out and have some fun.

There are a lot of different approaches you can take in this situation. Your concerns are completely valid, and I think the ability to have the candid conversation with them depends greatly on the relationship with this set of parents. In our family, I could easily confront my parents on these issues. My husband would not be able to because of the dynamics of the family.

If it were my child, I'd be frank and state that at 9 years-old he has a lot of activities he's involved in, lots of places he wants to go, things he wants to do, and that you're not comfortable with all that time in the car - especially with the recent number of accidents.

You can also be very honest that at 9 years-old, he's beginning to get more social with his friends and may want to spend that time closer to home vs. away (if that's in fact true).

Their feelings may be hurt, but they obviously want to spend the time with their grandson, so I hope they'd be reasonable in working through the concerns.

Unless you are included on their HIPPA paperwork you will not be able to have a conversation with their physician about their ability to drive, and your state may not have restrictions in place to require a driving test for an age group, so I'd be cautious going down that road as it could have a significant impact on their live - going to doctor's appointments, getting Rx's, getting groceries, etc.

Good luck!

It doesn't sound like their feelings can be but hurt. You are setting a wise boundary. It doesn't matter that they don't understand. Your son's safety comes before their feelings. Instead of it being daughter/wife in the middle, you can simply be a sounding board. Do not criticize the in laws (no matter how annoying - they are still her parents). She needs to know you are on her side, supporting and comforting her. Don't let there be a triangle - son in law bad guy. Let your wife communicate with her parents or you communicate with her parents - but don't get in to the triangle. They will fuss, cry, yell, stamp their feet to get what they want. But that is their issue (though the mud splatters on you, too).

If you want to, invite them to come stay with you for a set number of days - if the issue is that they want time with the son, then let them have it in a safe environment. Drive them to the amusement park and pick them up, so driving is not an issue.

If it then becomes an issue of control, (we want him on our terms), then that is the next thing to deal with.

We have alcoholism in our family which (even when the people are dry, still have the disease and behave in an alcoholic way) gives us the control issues and not understanding why I won't let the kids be with the person alone etc. Going to Alanon (for those affected by alcoholism) has helped me deal with my own life, reactions, triggers, upsets, and let me be happy without the prerequisite that anyone else change.

I hope this helps.

E

I have a similar issue with my parents...both of them have poor eyesight, but my father's is so bad he really shouldn't be driving anymore. We call him Mr. McGoo, I dont know how he escapes an accident every time he's out driving but it seems like he must leave a path of destruction behind him...He is always wanting to take the grtandkids here or there all the time and I was always going with them so I could drive. But finally I just had to tell him, we will not allow our daughter to drive with them alone. Last month he was in an accident, everyone was okay, but now he finally gets the point. He made a lft turn right in front of an oncoming car that he didnt even see. It could have been a LOT worse. He gets it now. Don't worry about your in-laws feelings so much because your childs safety is #1.

Dear W.,

I read all the really good responses as well as your "what's happened". My grandfather drove till he was 92 then took himself off the road becasue everybody else was driving like maniacs(lol). He lived to 103 and was darned annoyed that he had to be driven to all the places he wanted to go. I loved all my time with him as I am sure your son does w/ his grandparents. Perhaps you can start a new tradition and make it a destination week in the summer. Meaning your in-laws agree to go to a resort or someplace where everything is all included, no cars necassary and your son can spend a fun and safe week with them there. My gitlfriends in laws are also older but go to Turtle Bay every summer and that's when she sends her daughter down to them, because they aren't driving. Best of luck.

It's scary to read all these responses, many of them referring to their own elderly relatives that are no longer safe on the road. We're all out there driving our kids with these unsafe drivers.

My stepmother called my father's dr and told him my dad was not driving safely. She did this without my dad's permission or consent. The dr is evaluating him and determining whether to report him to DMV. I would feel horrible if he got into an accident and got hurt or hurt someone else, and we knew all along he was not a safe driver.

This is what we should all be doing: report the driver to their dr or to the DMV. You don't have to be on HIPPA paperwork (i.e. you don't have to have the driver's permission for the dr to speak to you), because you're not asking the dr for any confidential medical information, you are just telling the dr something. The dr may not be able to tell you what the outcome is, but at least you've done your part.

To report an unsafe driver to DMV in NY, see: http://www.nydmv.state.ny.us/license.htm#drivermed
You file a form called DS-7 (Request For Driver Review). You do not need to be a family member, anyone can do it.

if you dont feel like your child would be safe in their car, then dont let the child travel in their car.. simple. take the child down there for a short visit
and then ..leave with the child, tell them , sorry, but, the child is going to be going to camp the next day and we can only stay for a few hours. that way, they dont get offended, and you dont have to hear about it all the way home.but make sure that you have an activity actually lined up for the next day. if they have been in several accidents, with or with out injuries or incidents, then they may be becoming too impared to drive, but thats another blog, and, yes, you can show this blog to your wife, and tell you i told you so.
K. h. the only thing worse then an impared driver, is a family member that refuses to admit that their parents may be unfit to drive anymore.

I'd like to say just tell them they can't drive your son. But you know that's not realistic. I mean, I told my Mom this weekend when she had my twins to make sure they went to sleep at 8:00. When I called at 8:15 to see how things were going, she was still at the restaurant with them and they told me they didn't go to bed until almost 10:00!!! So, hard to just ask them not to drive...

If you (or just your wife) can take the time off, why don't you all go away for the week and let your son sleep over while you two stay in a nearby hotel. That way, if you want to drive anywhere, YOU can do the driving but at least your son will get alone time in the evenings and mornings with his grandparents... Don't know if you want to spend your own vacation week that way, but it might work.

I'm sorry that you're in this tough situation. I understand that your wife feels badly and it is a tough spot but this is your son's safety we are talking about. If she is just as concerned about it, it is her responsibility, and yours, to put his safety before their feelings. They may want to have their grandson to themselves, but if he may not be safe in the car with him, you and your wife may just have to put your foot down and forbid him to visit alone.
I agree with the suggestion that if finances allow, let your son go on a short vacation with the grandparents, stay at a hotel or resort, someplace where they will not have to do any driving.
Good luck! I stopped letting my kids visit my inlaws due to certain issues as well.

There are a couple of things that come to mind. Can they come stay with you instead of your son going there? What about hosting an au pair and having him or her go with your son as sort of a chapperone? The cost is $330 per week and he or she can make a huge difference in your family life! I would be happy to help get you started.

First of all, you need to have your parents dr evaluate their ability to drive not just for them but for the safety of others and you MUST be tough about it. Do you have siblings? if so, present a united front or if you need to, call their dr and let him know the issues with your dad's reaction time behind the wheel. Second, can you suggest they come and stay with you for a week to spend time with your child? What about going to them for a weekend and letting them spend time with your child that way? Enroll your child in summer camps and explain to them that now that your child is getting older, they are pursuing different interests so their school breaks are taken up with activities but that you'd love to come down for a long weekend. They are at an age where you need to be on alert for them and for your child as well. An occasional overnight won't hurt, even two days but no longer than that if you can help it.