How Much Should We Push Our 13-Year-old?

S.,
I had the same problem with my 12 year old son. We moved to a place very different from what he was used to and he refused to get involved in anything that involved interaction with people. I gave him a choice, either pick a sport or hobby or I would do it for him. He challenged me by refusing to pick. Well I picked dancing (not ballet, more like broadway musicals) and his father backed me up. He did dancing for an entire year. The funny thing is he had so much fun, he signed up for it himself the next year. I believe he learned his lesson though because now he's playing baseball too and has lots of friends.

Sometimes they just need a little push when they can't motivate themselves.

Read John Rosemond's book Teenproofing. He covers an awful lot about teenagers and their moods and how to influence them without trying to force them, which doesn't work.

is there anything going on at school? Sudden withdrawl from family and activities can mean that there is another problem going on. is she having trouble fitting in? did anyone pick on her or make her feel uncomfortable?

Don't push. Part of her behavior is her age, but part of it is her not feeling comfortable. I agree with the other post in that it's more important for her to be involved socially right now. Encourage her to invite a few girls to do something so that she develops some friendships. She will more than likely become involved in whatever they are interested in since they tend to do things in groups. Also, encourage her to become involved in something at school. That's another way for her to feel connected. We've told our 13 yo that he has to be involved in 2 things throughout middle school/high school. He is still involved in sports, but much prefers orchestra and scouts. I think he'll probably give the sports up once he reaches hs, but he will still have orchestra and scouting.

Change is scary at any age, but 13 is very tough. Her body is going thru changes, and now her whole comfort zone has been turned upside down. Spend time with her. Walk with her and the dog and listen to her. Take her to a movie, take her to the mall. My parents moved me at that same time, and I did the same thing. Perhaps motivate her to do some neighborhood babysitting, or dog walking to make some extra money so she could go visit her old friends this summer. She is feeling very lonely and afraid of not being accepted. God bless!!

Hi S., I have many years of experience at mothering 8 children. And I understand your frustration. And you are on the right track with the sports and exercise. Remember you are the parent and she is the child. I would not allow any texting or TV until she has exercised and completed her chores, homework etc. Also I would give her a choice of parent approved sports or activity so she can choose herself. Hope this helps...M.

I would let it go for now. The more you push the more she'll dig in her heals. Pretend like you aren't concerned and let her mope. Don't mention anything about activities and don't stress. What she wants most of all is to feel like she's in control of her own life. She instintively does the opposite of what you want and expect her to do.

Remember! It's a stage she's going through, Not a habit for life. It's normal and expected that a 13 year old girl will go through this.

Once she feels like you're off her back and she's free to do as she pleases then you'll be surprised how quickly she snaps back to her old self again. It may take 6 months so be the saint I know you are.

My daughter and son each took about two years to truly feel out new schools. Neither does anything the first year and became very withdrawn if I push. I encouraged the academic teams for my daughter and Battle of the Books. She joined them in 8th, a year after we moved in. This year she joined academic Derby and the swim team at the high school, next year she wants to do track also.

Does she play an instrument?
Is there a place she could volunteer, say a Humane shelter or here we have the turtle rescue shelter and kennels and the horse barn.
Limit her time on the tv and computer and take walks with her. Just be near her and enjoy the warm air. She may see these activities as punishment.
The only thing worse than moving your 7th 8th grade year is moving the summer before senior year. She is missing her friends and needs your support.

Whew! Well, it never worked for me when I was 13! My mom pushed and prodded and encouraged nicely and did everything she could to get me to do something physical. All that happened was I resented her for it. (Not anymore, but for many years.)

That is an incredibly hard age to move, and like other moms have said, she is probably dealing with puberty as well. I would NOT push her to join the swimming team. My suggestion would be to find something that you can all do together as a family - like ride bikes or play badmiton or garden...and continue to ENCOURAGE her to find something else she wants to do with her classmates. This is such a transitional time and she may just need to find her niche. In the meantime try and be patient and be available, just in case she needs to talk about what she's going through.

S.,
I am a mom of a 12.5 yr old girl whom is also athetic. We moved here just about 2 years ago and I've noticed some major changes just from leaving elementary to first year of middle school as far as her overall confidence and energy level. It's been troubling to watch and, just the same, it seems as though the only exercise she gets is us FORCING her to walk our dog when she comes home from school. She'd be much happier to sit and absorb the TV all day.

While we've got all that going on, we luckily have not lost her desire to play soccer. We immediately got her onto a travel team when we moved here. She played with them from fall to spring and decided she didn't want to play anymore, "soccer wasn't her thing" I must say, she was not as good as the other players whom were considerably older than her, and her confidence suffered. The following season we signed her up for a recreational team through one of the local clubs. She gave us a hard time and said she didn't want to play anymore but we did go forth with it and it has proved to be very successful; her confidence is back! She is looking forward to trying out for the school team her rising 7th grade year which I'm pleased with!

We did have to push our daughter and we did have a positive result. Albeit, soccer season is over now and she's a lump on the log again ...and I am dreading this summer!!! I am a very big advocate for getting involved in sports and also finishing what you started, as far as team participation. Last summer I signed my daughter to a YMCA camp for a couple of weeks to learn to waterski. She didn't want to refuse that one, even though she didn't know anyone. Every child is different but I feel that a lot of it is there own insecurities and once they get over the hump, it's all good from there. ...Moving, the age and perhaps feeling a little homesick sounds to be your daughters biggest struggles right now. I complain to my closest friends back home and they reasssure me that the couch potato thing is normal. ...ya think they could fold some laundry while they're sitting there ......UGH!! :(

Speaking from experience as a daughter, mother, & grandmother, this is NOT a trivial matter! Although she loved us dearly, my mom had nothing but criticism for us. I became anorexic [before our doctor had ever even heard of it in 1974], and at 51 I still feel dowdy and ugly and like I never quite measure up (even though I'm very intelligent, talented, sociable, hard-working, and average on looks).

She's a young lady, not a little child, so having her period, being in a new environment, and developing physically has had a big impact on her life. She NEEDS to feel as if you're proud of her, not disappointed in her at this point. She doesn't need 'pushed', but 'encouraged'.

It sounds like it's time to really listen to her heart and find out what SHE needs, wants and expects of/for/from the rest of her life. Find out from HER what all is going on in her head, heart and body. (Other) girls this age can be terribly 'clickish' and exclusive -- especially to a 'newbie' on the block, and an individual (13 yr old GIRL, in particular) who's at the butt end of this behavior is very sensitive and vulnerable. Maybe her uninvolvement with others is legitimate. Maybe you (or DAD) need(s) to do some active type of play WITH her.

Her whole future self-esteem rests on what happens RIGHT NOW, so try to be totally encouraging instead of demanding or critical in the least (although it sounds as if you may already have been somewhat).

Take her to a nice restaurant -- just mom and daughter -- and let her pour her heart out without offering ANY advice unless she asks for it. And if you feel too close to the matter, emotionally (gripey, advice-giving, etc), have another laid-back lady friend who she trusts to take her out and get to the heart of the matter.

Wow! I don't have teens yet, but I do remember those days myself. Before you start to worry about your daughter becoming lazy or sedentary, focus on making this transition into adulthood with her. She is at an age when she wants to make some of her own decisions and she wants to be talked to like an adult. This is really a hard age for dealing with a move. Also, while teen hormones are kicking in, many early teens suffer from migraines and extreme tiredness. Spend some quality time with her to find out if she is having trouble making new friends, if kids are bothering her at school, if she's not fitting in. Also, if she's recently started her period, maybe she's having a hard time figuring out how to stay active while remaining discreet about that. I wouldn't force her to sign up for swimming. Instead, give her some choices and tell her to pick one. I wish you the best of luck. I have 4 kids and will go through this soon enough, I am sure.

I'm certainly no expert, my oldest is only five. We move around a lot though and have friends who move alot as well. I wouldn't push her right now...the terror she feels is more than likely not that of the excercise or the activity, it is of trying to make new friends in a new place...joining a team where she has never belonged. It sounds like she is depressed or at the very least sad. I would definitely not push her to join a team...baby steps...if walking the dog is it, than do that for right now...in a few weeks go for a walk at a park that allows dogs. Change up the scenery, etc. Is it possible to make a trip back to your previous location so that she can visit old friends? Anyway, I hope that helps. not only has she had a huge adjustment with the move, she is having a huge adjustment with the hormonal changes too. Don't not push her, but I wouldn't be so hard on her. She will come around...Praying for you.

S., boy does that sound familiar. We moved to Washington state 2 years ago after living in a small town in Texas. Big change for my then 10 year old. She did well for a couple of months, until one of the neighborhood girls decided she didn't like her. They were all a bit "rowdy" for what I wanted my child to associate with so it really didn't bother me too much when she stopped hanging out with them. She stopped going outside and just started hanging out inside watching tv and later texting after she received her cell. Fortunately my husband saw what was going on too, and was able to get a transfer to another state, in a smaller town. Since the move she has flourished, even playing softball again after 5 years. Take a look at what is going on at school and with her friends. It could simply be a situation of depression...hopefully mild. I wish you the best. I wanted to start my daughter in softball and my husband said no. He refused to let me force her into the sport, however, her sister started playing and just by tossing the ball in the backyard, I asked if she wanted to give it a try...she decided to. I don't know if this helps but maybe an idea. Good luck and take care.

I have a 13 year old also and we are going through the same thing... I think playing outside isn't what it use to be and while she will go outside sometimes, she prefers not to.

I am going to guess that she doesn't want to swim...? Could it be changes going on with her body? Is she uncomfortable? Don't push her on the swimming issue if she doesn't want to go, don't make her, it won't be enjoyable for her.

Research some activities that are within your budget, make a huge list if you can, and ask her what she wants to do. I found at that age, they want some to able to make some choices and by making a list you are letting her make a choice of your pre-approved choices. Hopefully she won't catch on... :)

I did that with mine and she told me she wanted to take Karate - which I NEVER would of guessed. But, it's better then nothing.

Also, make strict limits on the electronic usage.

And honestly, you have been building her character for the past 13 years. It's time to loosen the grip, just a little, and let her use what you have taught her now.

I'd tell her she has to pick some kind of extracurricular activity, but not necessarily swimming, or even athletic at this point. Sounds like she has not made the transition from the move and needs to make new friends, so I'd not insist that it include exercise right now, but just something she can choose that interests her and gets her involved with other kids. If she loved sports before she will probably go back to it when she has made some friends in one kind of activity who might be doing other activities that include sports. You could also limit her tv, but reading should be great at any time.

My 12 y.o almost 13 y.o, just this past yr has become very self-conscious. He wouldn't even play basketball outside b/c some other kids were playing and sitting nearby and I guess would see him! We ended up just going home. And for a long time he really wanted to play football, but when we signed hime up, after only a few practices, he wanted to quit and we couldn't get an explanation out of him! So, all I can think is that he is just extremely self conscious. We just recently sigend him up for weight training throught he YMCA and so far he really enjoys it. It's one on one training, so maybe he's less self conscious.
I bet your 13 y.o. is very conscious of her changing body and doesn't understand that the physical activity will actually help her body going through all these changes. Perhaps you could get her involved in an activity that is not so group oriented until she feels more confident in her self(private tennis or personal trainer). She might even prefer to do art, cooking, music or some other type of classes. For exercise try walking with her or riding bikes together. I know I used to love when my Dad rode bikes with me as a teenager.
Good Luck!

Either the sports or she needs to join band, or something extracurricular in school. I think I would force it but too many parents these days are worried about pushing their kids to do anything. They need to learn to belong, be responsible, work hard, and respect themselves. I would sit her down and have a talk with her first and try to find out what is wrong... maybe having her go into something easy just to make friends. She may just be loney or maybe this school is hard on newcomers. Good luck

Hi Sheli, We moved here from California almost 2 years ago. At first we thought our 12 year old daughter (now 14) was adjusting OK. She use to be very athletic (fantastic soccer player)and out-going with her immediate friends (although shy). Over time she became like your daughter, especially during the winter (when there was no soccer and it was all brown and gray outside and cold)which was very different from Calif. with soccer and greenery year round. She withdrew from everything and appeared to get very "lazy" and unmotivate. At about the 1 1/2 year mark after our move here, she was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. Counseling revealed deep anger about moving and anxiety meeting new people. Moving a teenager is hard. Your daughter also sounds like a normal teen age girl (dealing with so many changes in her life, like hormones, new school, new culture, etc. Have a heart to heart talk with your daughter and see if she'll open up about her feelings. Help her find new, fun interests. We went horseback riding together through Old Natchez Trace Riding Stable and she found a new love for horses. She's going to take lessons this summer. She's found something to appreciate about her new home in beautiful Tennessee.

Ugh -- 13 is a tough age, particularly with a move that uproots her from where she's been. I agree that you need to encourage her to do something -- or at least, discourage her from being so sedentary. At a minimum, she should have limits put on her TV viewing.

Do you know what she's texting? She may be getting involved in some stuff you'd rather her not get into. If she's making good friends at school who live too far away for her to do stuff with them, but uses texting to stay in touch with them, that's one thing; but if she's texting so that you can't overhear what she's saying, I'd be a bit concerned.

Make a batch of cookies with her soon, and just talk with her; maybe she'll open up about what's going on, and give you some clue or insight into why she's changed. It may be that "everybody at school" (in her mind) doesn't like her; or she just feels out of place, being the new kid. Maybe she needs your encouragement to invite a couple of girls over for a sleepover.

shes a teenager! they never want to do anything unless its on their terms. i understand you want her to be active but forcing her to do things will just make her resent you. let it slide for a while

Hello Shelia,

I am Sure you know that each child is different. It sounds like there is more to it than just being lazy. How is hse adjusting to her new environment you can call or email me at ###-###-#### or ____@____.com. I would like to talk to you more I work with a youth group Tiny Treasures.

T.

Actually she sounds normal. For some reason at this age girls go into a vegitation stage where outside they could melt in the sun. If any yard work is involved get ready to call the ambulance. I dont know when it passes because I am still waiting on my two daughters to get over it. The moving might have a little to do with it also. I would not make her play any sport. I would tell her that she needs to have some activities to do and if she is not choosing any that then you will have to choose one for her. I can tell you from experience that all kids will not be athletic. I have one girl 14 that spends hours playing the clarinet and viola while the other loves to be outside kicking a ball around. Now if yard work and any work at all is involved then forget it. My 2 smallest kids that are 4 and 6 would rather die than stay in the house. Any activity for them outside is fun. They will even clean up dog poo before staying inside. Im sure it will change for my youngest girl but my boy is an outside type of guy. Each child is different.

It sounds like your daughter has taken a "shy" pill, associated with her new location. She seems afraid to step out, not feeling comfortable, whatever. It's hard to re-locate at her age + 13-14 years old opens up the rebellion hormones. So if she is mad at you for moving, this is her revenge. Is she being teased at school? Has she made 1 friend? I would try to get her to open up about what is really bothering her, she can't move on until she has come to peace with the past. Since summer is coming, try a big bartering tool, like a visit from her old best friend. As for swimming, also bargain there. She tries it for a certain amount of time, which wins her some treat, maybe a cell phone if she continues. It's better to get her to join you in the resolution of the problem, if you can get her to define it with you, than to force. Good Luck

I think sometimes we do have to push our kids to do things they initially don't want to do, but she will have to have somewhat of a good attitude for it to pay off. Is there something that she wants that you could entice her with to get her to have a good attitude about the swim team? You know - 'if you really give this a shot and try hard at it, we will reward you with -------'

Counseling is a good idea also. She may need to talk out some problems in adjusting. But if she does the swim team, she may make some new friends and the endorphins will help with any feelings of depression (as well as the sense of accomplishment).

Good luck.

I think I would be more concerned that she is depressed, than worried about her exercise level. Maybe a visit with the dr..? Or pull up some signs and symptoms of depression and let her read them and ask her if she thinks they are her. Counseling and meds-short term, could help her through the adjustment. Moves are hard on teens

Hi, i think that first of all you need to think about her mentally. It sounds so much like she is really depressed. You have to remember she life behind her life as she new it. You you and dad may be adjusted to the new life but she may not have gotten there yet. There may be stuff going on a school you don't know about. That is s hard age to go in the new kid. Maybe you could find some christian based counsling for her. Do you know if she is texting friends there or back (home). She may be socialy liveing where she is from. Good luck and god bless. R.

Hey S., has she hit puberty yet? interested in boys? (cringe) This could factor in more than you think it would. I too am annoyed with the laziness that has sunk in with the texting, video games, tv, and technology with the youth. Sure some of it may be because she left her friends behind and she's sullking, but you are right she is forming bad habits. Instead of pushing her, barter. Trade tv time for outdoor time, use her phone as a reward, its not she is paying for it right? If nothing else, make sure she knows your intentions are healthy. Would she be outside while someone else is on the phone/tv? Explain to her that its a good idea to join and be a part of something. Let her know it does not have to be a sport, and let her pick herself. Just make it clear that if she doesn't pick you will. She might be more reasonable once she knows she has more control over the situation. She just may be growing out of her younger self and not knowing how to deal. S.

I agree with one of the other moms' postings... tell your daughter that you want her to be involved in two extracurricular activities, but let her choose what they are. Also, be sure to take the time to explain to her WHY you think it's important for her to be active in these things. Maybe you could compile a list of choices for her, just to get the wheels turning, but also leave it open for her to present her own ideas so that she knows it really is her choice. Sports, music, dance, art, civic type clubs (either at school, church youth group, or maybe find ideas at the local Y/library/etc). Volunteering is another great avenue to pursue, and opens up all kinds of possibilities. If you don't know where to start, try www.volunteermatch.org. Volunteering is also a great way to instill a sense of civic-mindedness, although I'm not sure how likely it is that she'd be volunteering among other kids her age. Maybe she and a friend could volunteer somewhere together? Just a thought.

This is such a hard age first of all. Moving at this age, ah! I had to do it as a child and it was one of the worst years of my life. We moved to a nice small town that was a huge clique. I also moved my children from public to private school (hard age for any kind of move).The good news is she will find her way. Is there something else she is good at or something new she would like to try. Kids this age need down time, their minds are swirling without all the new challenges(physical and social), much less when a few more sticks are thrown on the bonfire o being a teenager. Kids also often get chunky at this age and parading around in a swimsuit may be the last thing she wants to do (even if she isn't chunky). Self esteem for many wans badly. Have you considered walking the dog with her? Maybe just listening when you walk not pushing, one innocent comment to a teenager is a lecture. With kids (have one) this age I have found that I can plant a seed to start a conversation but I can't force them to talk. Sometimes it's later when they talk to me about it. BTW some kids actually do better in individual sports, like golf or tennis. I have one who played team sports when he was younger, he always felt like any thing less than perfect let the team down. Most of all, I have found that when I let my children choose what they want to do they enjoy it and it give them an outlet to destress. Good luck and just let her know you love her but give her space.