How Much Screen Time Is Too Much?

A friend of mine and her two children just came over for breakfast, playdate and a chat this morning. Wouldn't you know, this was the very topic of most of our conversation. It really seems that there is some type of pull for our husbands as well to be on the computer (we don't have iPhones, but I can just imagine!). I'll admit that when I have a quiet moment to get on the computer I do tend to get sucked in and sidetracked with all there is to look at, check, see online. However, for me, it's different than for my husband. He also seems to be in some kind of "virtual haze" most of the time, missing it completely when my daughter is showing him something or asking him a question. He is in school right now, so there is a legitimate reason for him to be on the computer a lot of the time, like your husband.

My gal friend and her husband have just "enforced" (harsh word) an "unplugged" time from 4PM-8PM... Four hours of no screen time. Their girls go to bed at 7PM and they have one hour together without computer or television. After that time, they can watch a movie or whatever else they decide to do.

Maybe he can't have that length of time away from the screen, but could you suggest something like that to him? Perhaps a designated hour away from the screen when the kids are awake and an additional hour when they are sleeping, giving the kids time and the two of you time? Maybe it's at least a starting place for you guys. You seem so understanding about all of this, calm and easy-going. Do you think he needs to see your hurt a bit more? It sounds like you're feeling a bit neglected and sad for him, sad that he's missing out on so many wonderful things. I'm sure he has no idea - you wouldn't talk about him so kindly if he were innately selfish. Maybe he is being a bit selfish, but it doesn't sound as though he's acting like he's entitled to all this screen time. I don't think he sees it. I'm just wondering if he could see that you're feeling hurt if it would change his outlook a little bit. Because no matter if what he's doing is "wrong" or "selfish" or whatever, if it's upsetting you then something needs to change and that's the bottom line. It really sounds like he'd be receptive to that bottom line considering you two are usually able to work things out.

So sorry! I would be so frustrated... Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

I think this is really such a timely and great question, A.. I sometimes feel myself swallowed up into the electronic life, too. More and more, I think we just need to turn all that damn stuff off (TV, phones, computers, etc.) and get back to basics. Many of us have forgotten how to enjoy one another's company and just chill out. Last night as I contemplated watching one of my shows that I'd DVR'd, I made a conscious decision to not turn on the TV and instead turn on some music and go sit outside and enjoy the summer evening instead. As I sat there listening to my fountain gurgling on my patio, I was glad I was there fully in the moment. My husband and daughter came home and we all decided to play a few rounds of UNO. It was a great night. I love what you wrote; I'd encourage you to show him exactly that. Then all of you make a conscious decision to be more present in the moment. I'm not trying to sound all new-agey ... but it kind of hit me last night how pleasant it was to not be checking emails and what not. Maybe make a family rule that at least until the kids' bedtimes, no electronics, etc. that divide our time from our family. Lord knows they grow up so fast and poof! they're out on their own and you'll yearn for those sweet, simple times. Good luck.

Our house is similar. My husband's new iPhone was like crack for him, he could not put it down. I finally told him NO PHONES at the table (he works from home so the family usually eats 3 meals a day together). We have little kids that don't have phones yet, but I needed to start this now or everyone would be texting away at the table instead of talking. Drives me nuts. Anyhow, the phones are away when we eat together and even if it rings, we have to wait.

Maybe you could make a video of yourself asking him whatever you need to ask him, and send it to him, on his phone, to get his attention. :) Might make your point in a funny way.
I would buy him the iPad and try to be interested in it, with him. Find him fun apps, etc. Try to participate in his passion for technology, make a connection. He may find that you are Way more interesting that way than if you tell him to limit his screen time.

He is being selfish. If he is out of the house most of the time because he works hard he is entitled to a little relaxation time, but if he is spending all the time he is home in front of the TV, computer, phone or whatever he is neglecting his duties as a husband and a father. It is not right and it is not fair to you. If you continue to try and communicate with him and he is ignoring your pleas for attention. He is setting a bad example for the kids.

My other suggestion is to plan activity as a family out side of the home and make it known to him that his participation is paramount and that phones are not welcome on these trips. My husband is glued to his 24/7 and when we have date night the phones stay in. Like if he works monday to friday, let him relax on saturday but make sure he is at the table with you and the family for dinner without distractions. Or on Sunday, if he vegged all day saturday you plan a trip to the park, mall, movies, ect...No TV, No computers, no phone.

You just described my husband. Laptop, and ipod and he only doesn't have an iphone because i set up the phone plan. He even takes the ipod up when he puts our 7 month old to bed, because he doesn't find rocking his son as relaxing as playing whatever app he is currently playing. We've talked about it and fought about it, but came up with some rules. he's only home for 3 maybe 4 hours that the baby is awake, and in that time we have to have dinner as well, so no screen time, unless he's playing a game with the big boys or we are watching a family movie. and Weekends we try to limit it to nap time. While I know he needs the downtime and I'm home all day and certainly spend my share of time online, I can put it down and he doesn't seem to have that control without some boundaries. The baby also goes to bed between 7 and 8 which gives hubby a few good hours of screen time and the ability to still sleep at a reasonable hour.

Few things bother me worse than when I'm trying to talk to my husband and he's checking Facebook on his phone. Even though I myself spend too much time on FB, I really do hate it and think it has caused SO many problems in families and how people spend their time. No one knows how to be together IN PERSON anymore!! I've considered getting off of it and just might....

I finally had to set some "rules"....no computer/phone/etc time until the kids are in bed, and another thing we do that helps is family dinner. We can talk and have those conversations.

Sounds like my husband - and we have two Ipads now... I wouldn't focus on the screen time versus his being disengaged. If he likes to be on the computer/screen etc, he's an adult and can decide for himself. But it's fair to want him to be "with" you at least part of the weekend. I've been in your shoes - husband working all the time, both of us not sleeping great, he would just "checkout" etc. For one, it gets better as the kids get older. So this time will pass. Two, sometimes it's a matter of just too much to do versus one person is slacking. If your husband is going to continue to work like this (and I know Silicon Valley well), you may need to either get help or stop working yourself. If this is short-term, try to roll with it. Set up specific times he needs to take the kids or put down the computer. If you think he's goign to keep working like this for say a year or more which is probably likely, you might want to sit down and kind of make a plan. We had this issue before Ipads etc so it was books or magazines and it got me just as frustrated. So again, I don't think this is really about screen time...