How Is Life After Divorce?

oh, my dear. i'm SO glad you are considering leaving this ogre. these are good questions to ask. start here, but then you really really do have to take these questions to someone who can answer them for you with more than personal experience. you need a lawyer, and there are agencies to help you get one if you can't afford it.
the frequency of his visitation will be determined between the two of you, and by the court if you can't decide. how often do you think he'll want to? how often are you okay with it happening?
i think a much more important question to ask is 'will my child be safe when he's with his dad and i'm not around?'
i don't understand the second part of the question. you're not 'supposed' to do anything in particular. the list of things you COULD do is endless, from going to work to taking a nap. i hope at least some of the time is spent on self-help so that you don't fall back into unhealthy patterns, and end up finding a clone of your husband because it's familiar.
you need to have a quiet conversation with your boss if you really think your husband might call your job. if your boss has a heads-up that vindictive phone calls might happen, the plan will backfire and your husband will be the one who is humiliated.
he said he will what himself if you leave? of course he's going to blame you for tearing the family apart. refusing to take responsibility is what ogres do. don't listen to that.
keep gathering information and arming yourself. you're on the right path.
stay strong!
khairete
S.

Do you have a good family lawyer? If not, that is the first thing you need to do. Your situation is too problematic to hope for a do-it-yourself divorce to go well. A lawyer will be able to walk you through all of your questions.

1 - Visitation schedules are highly dependent on mediation and/or court order.
Are you asking what to do with yourself in the times when you don't have your child? You live your life as an adult woman. Have interests and hobbies.

2 - You may want to quietly let your boss know you're going through a divorce and are concerned that he may call the workplace. If he calls you at work, do not take the call. You can get a court order that specifies the way he is allowed to communicate with you. My friend ex, for example, can only use a monitored email service. No calls, no texts.

3 - Close your ears to his blaming. What he is saying so so typical that he is a cartoon stereotype.

Again - get a lawyer. This is an absolute NEED for you, above all other considerations.

#3 is his way of manipulating you. If you can find it at the library, get the book called, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

Answer nonconfrontationally if you have to:

I hope you don't do that but my mind is made up.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Get some help and make a plan. Follow through.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. I am in a similar situation right now. My husband is emotionally abusive and an active alcoholic. He used to get sympathy from me by talking about suicide and his depression/anxiety/PTSD.

Now that he has moved out of the house, I feel so much better about myself. He still keeps ranting about how I, his mom, his friends at work, etc have screwed him over. But it doesn't sound like he's getting much sympathy from anyone. I'm just relieved that people don't seem to be buying into all the lies he's trying to sell about me.

One thing I've learned about him is that I don't think he's nearly as depressed as he led me to believe. He has been quite able to pull himself together for the police, his supervisors, his friends, and his new match.com dates. I don't think he'll be killing himself any time soon.

It will be several months before my divorce is processed and finalized. It has been especially hard on my 8 year old daughter. For as much as my husband cried about how he wouldn't be able to see his kids, he does not make much effort to spend time with them, despite the fact that I always make time for the kids to see him.

According to my attorney, it is quite typical for the father to get the kids every other weekend, and maybe one weeknight per week. I have let my husband take the kids every weekend day and come by every weeknight. He flakes out on the visits when he is angry at me for some past argument or if he is drunk/hungover. On weeknights, he leaves after about 10 minutes. On the weekends, he takes the kids for about 3 hours. That's all he can stand right now. I don't think he'll be fighting me over visitation.

Have you talked to a women's shelter hotline at all? If he starts harassing you, you can get an order of protection from him. I have heard about women getting fired because their employer doesn't want the husband bringing trouble to their place of business. An order of protection should be able to help you with that. Definitely get a plan together BEFORE you leave. I left under rushed circumstances and was caught flat-footed. I didn't have a plan. Now I am regretting the attorney I hired (will probably switch) and my divorce might be delayed.

Talk to an attorney. They usually offer a free initial consultation. They will be able to give you specific advice on what your legal rights are during the separate and throughout the divorce. Good luck to you!

ETA: I just discovered that firing my attorney would end up being quite the headache, so I might just work with what I have. So learn from my mistake. Choose wisely when you decide on your attorney, and try to get as many references as you can.

1) That will depend on the custody arrangement. Custody arrangements are negotiated between the parents by their lawyers and signed off on by the judge. When you husband has your kid, you do whatever you want - stay home, go to a movie, go grocery shopping, paint your toenails, watch your hair grow.
2) Do your work calls go through a switchboard? If so, ask them to screen your calls and not put him through. If you have a direct lilne, and he calls you, you have the ability to hang up on him.
3) If he chooses to harm himself, that is his choice, and not your responsibility.

Another group, if he is willing to go. It really helped my husband, saved my managers. I can't remember the name right now, but if you think it would help, please contact me. It was in College Park, but I think there were other locations too.

Hi, R.:

I understand that he is physically and verbally abusive to you.
You need to understand that he is an emotionally sick man.
When people have shame, they attack others, attack themselves, withdraw or isolate, and go into denial using drugs, alcohol, any kind of distractions.

Find someone to teach you both about "Aggression Replacement Training." look on line at www.iirp.edu

You can only change yourself, not him.
What does your husband need that he's not getting?
Are you paying more attention to your son than your husband?
Are you making time for your husband each week where the two of you are alone without your son?

Just wondering what are you doing to help him get through his
pain?

Good luck.
D.