How Do You Parent?

I have found that talking with my kids and explaining things insted of just sayin no helps. I try to set a good example, but nobody is perfect. They understand they can't eat cake for dinner, but I explain why and that their little bodies need good stuff first. Now that it's summer my kids never want to come in to eat, so instead of making abig deal about dinner I tell them it's their when they ae hungry and let them play. I wasn't allowed to do much as a child, and seemed to know too much about the world. I just want my girls to have fun while they can and be innocent. I say innocent, not kept from everything though!

Everything in moderation. My kids have candy after lunch every day, and after their quiet time, i.e. video time, they usually have a Popsicle or something. They are outside most of the day.......

I try to say Yes all day long.

i think i agree with you for the most part - especially about the playing outside. i have a nice tan already this summer because i can't bear to tell him he can't play outside - but i'm not 100% crazy about my 5 year old playing in the back yard alone either....

as far as the food, i'm not super strict, but i do have limits - we eat dessert after we eat a healthy dinner, for example. we don't keep a lot of sweets in the house - partially because i don't have an easy time being responsible with it, either! i don't force him to eat everything if he truly does not like it. and he's such a good eater that's rare so i don't mind, if he tells me he really doesn't like something. but i do have to tell him "no" constantly - he was a born eater and would literally eat 24/7 if i let him. seriously. he was the infant that did NOT stop eating when he was full...and he still doesn't. it's like he doesn't notice the "full" feeling.

although i do have to say i am pretty strict about behavior, manners, chores, etc. not like boot camp strict, but i expect my child to help out, proportionate to his age. my 5 year old feeds the dog and cat, empties the dishwasher, moves the laundry...and whatever small tasks i need/would like help with. i am very strict about manners and acting correctly in public, and have very little tolerance for whining or tantrums. i expect my child to behave, in short.

but i have not seen all the "judgment" on here today, so it sounds like i have some reading to do!

I agree totally. My kids rode their bikes to friends houses and I couldn't watch them the whole way there. I let my son go sledding with his friends and no I didn't go. We would have Blue Bell Ice Cream after dinner. I let our son play with toy guns, he was protecting the yard from aliens so it was necessary! He would dig in the dirt. Our kids were kids not perfect but ours. I did not let our daughter wear make up until she was 13. Lip gloss! We wanted our kids to enjoy their childhood and not have worries or concerns other than who and what they were playing that day. That is what childhood is about and the occasional Snickers!!!!

Hi A.
I try to strike balance between guiding with set boundaries, encouraging independent thought and making room for my children's natural personalities to develop.
I also believe in having a set routine as I think it gives them security and structure to their day.
I am easy going with their routine at certain times eg,family parties,having visitors etc,
I see myself as mostly easy going but have to get strict at times because my 5 yr old has a strong personality and would rule our house with an iron fist if he thought he could LOL .Really I think he is destined to rule the world some day.
My kids are happy little people so hopefully we are getting it mostly right so far,
They are 5 yrs and 8mths so I learning as I am going.My heart is in the right place and I am trying my best to give them a happy ,healthy life.
B. k

Everyone is an expert when it comes to parenting other people's kids.

I follow the golden rule. Would I want someone breathing down my neck at every turn? No. Would I to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want when I have no knowledge about how the world works? No. Would I want someone to treat with me with love and respect? Absolutely.

My kids are still little, but I try to use common sense as much as possible, and so far, it seems to be working.

I parent by example. My kids have never seen me do anything extreme so they don't either. I think there are some rule based aspects of parenting but without the example kids tend to ignore the rules.

I for the most part eat healthy but you will find me grabbing a sweet every now and then. My kids do the same. I guess when they are younger they don't see that it is a choice it is just what seems normal. By the time they are teens it is a habit. :)

Perhaps it is just me but I find it odd when you see parents, then see the children and they are very much alike. Yet the parents cannot understand why the children have the bad habits they don't like in themselves. It just seems to me the changes you want to see in your children you must first make in yourself.

I have yet to see anyone who buys into the do as I say, not as a do, slogan.

Oh, after reading a couple responses, I make my kids own their decisions. The answer to what should I do is not what they should do. The best they get from me is help in figuring out their decision criteria. The odd thing is they almost always make good decisions. I say I want to give them enough rope to hang themselves while they still live with me. That way I am there to help pick them up, perhaps help them find where they went wrong. Another strange thing, I never had to pick up the pieces.

My older two kids will tell you they raised themselves. I am actually proud they can make that statement. The best part was them getting old enough to understand why that makes me proud. :)

I am of the mindset that I am raising an adult, I teach him as best I can adult consequences and adult lessons. Basically, the premise is that when I am done he is a fully capable adult that can contribute to society in a positive manner. He is given the opportunity to succeed as well as fail miserably, he is given every opportunity to make good and bad choices and learn to live with and deal with them. Do I fail sometimes DUH!!!! However, I have many more successes than failures - and I am pleased to hear from people who care for him when I am not around that he is well mannered, responsible and a joy to have around. Now, we also work WITH vs against his ADHD and help him learn the difference between what he can control and what he has a hard time controlling and how to deal with all of them and meet expectations. I also think I expect more from him than others do weather he meets them, exceeds them or not they are there and he is aware of them. I am not too sure how clear it comes across I am currently distracted, this may take some edits later on.

Ok here is one of those edits/adds my son makes choices about his TV, video games, foods etc but we also set limits explaining that they are "sometimes" foods or shows or games. So I explain that it is a better choice to play a little bit of Mario Bros and a lot of Cookie Monster's Carnival OR that cake is a "sometimes food" but banana's are always a good choice. I think this is a good way to teach moderation - so far we are doing okay with it. I do agree that tweaks are made as ages/needs change though. I guess I am kinda hands off and observe then guide as needed in many ways.

We are pretty lienient with our rules also. The only real one we have is "You must try!" That being said, they do have guidelines that they must follow (be respectful, honest, trustworthy, help out when needed, clean up after themselves, etc.)

We do crack down on them at times when needed (6 late assignments and going to fail English), but for the most part we don't need to.

I never realized it, but I am a control freak! I really try hard not to be, but I just am. When I told this to my mom, she said, "Yeah, I could have told you that. On your Kindergarten report card the teacher wrote that you have a tendency to not let other kids do their own work--you finish it for them." Whoops...I would LOVE not to be so uptight, but it is kinda my nature, and I tend to surround myself with parents who are similar to me.

ETA: Bernie K., I think that is also one of my issues. My 5 yr old NEEDS micromanagement, but my younger 2 are much easier to deal with and don't need constant hovering.

Eh--fairly lenient but the rules are the rules.
I think we all parent to the best of our abilities, right?
I mean, like in "When Harry Met Sally", it's said "Everyone thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but not everyone can."
Same about parenting.
No O. is going to say: "Oh, I'm a crappy parent. My toddler likes to juggle knives and run his Hot Wheels down the yellow line of busy highways..."

I've always been pretty lenient with my kids (they may say differently), but they also knew what was expected of them.

They rode their pedal bikes to friend's houses and to the park. They went crawfishing in the river and fishing at the dam. They did water trampoline (set the sprinkler up under the trampoline) and even slept out there a couple times. We have bonfires with smores, they had airsoft wars at night (with safety gear) and other nighttime games.

Iron Chef is a LOT of fun, even when clean-up isn't. It is one of their favorite things still and they're 14 and 16. After going to the Avengers, we HAD to go to McD's for a Cherry Berry Chiller because my daughter just had to try it.

Let them be kids! We survived and so will they!

I'm the poster who posted about going out and playing during summer and I'm glad to see that someone else not only allows it, but encourages it.

It sounds like we kind of parent the same. I don't have any restrictions on electronics time, TV time, etc., but like your kids mine have always loved their outdoor time and stay out as long as they can! And when my GD comes in for the evening, she usually finds something to do other than TV or electronics. She loves to draw and play with her dollhouse and spends a lot of her indoor time doing those things. Because she doesn't make a habit of sitting in front of the TV or computer, if she does want to spend 2 - 3 hours one day watching a movie or playing computer games, I don't mind because it's not her norm.

I agree with your style of parenting. It pretty much reflects my own. Now my kids are 25 and 27. They both are independent, college educated (one has a Master's), and work hard. What more could a mother ask for?

I parent, by KNOWING my kids and who they are.
They are very self-assured and not followers.
I parent by of course teaching/guiding them... about rules and our values and cultural aspects and world views and boundaries, but I do not teach them by being a dictator.
I teach them by knowing them and who they are. And knowing they are not, me. And I also teach them, how to DISCERN situations/people/social situations etc. I have done that since they were 2 years old. And at their ages of 5 and 9 now... they are very astute at these things for their ages. They have common sense and a strong sense of who they are. And they have good hearts. That is golden.
I am proud of them.
And yes, they are kids.
Kids evolve.
They are never static in mind or body or emotions.

I LIKE for my kids, to have their own thoughts/feelings/ideas and interests. But also able to DISCERN, things. To think. And they do. Even my 5 year old son, just amazes me.

Always knowing the age-stage of my kids too and their own development.

Also knowing that *I* as a parent, can learn FROM my kids as well.

I try to say "yes" if I possibly can. We feed our kids wholesome homemade meals and consider bedtime sacrosanct. It keeps our home running much more smoothly to have well-rested well-fed kids. We avoid saying "no" just for the sake of saying it. In our home our kids know that we are the bosses and that when we say "no" we mean it, and we say "yes" much more than "no."

I'd say that my parenting style is similar to my teaching style: authoritative, allowing choice when it is reasonable and keeping boundaries clear.

I think there is some space and balance between keeping everything away AND letting them have free access. Controlling how we present options is important. My son cannot do high fructose corn syrup without wigging out, so we just don't have it in the house. We have three 'treat days' a week that he can 'count on', and treats could be a muffin, a bowl of berries with sweetened yogurt, or even some pieces of panda licorice. Having reasonable sweets available in small servings works best for us.

Likewise with tv-- he can usually watch an hour of PBS in the morning unless it interrupts what we're doing. Chances are, however, that he won't even ask, so it's easy to say yes when he does.

Outdoors is always an option. Even in the rain-- we have rain gear, so unless it's storming outside, he can go play.

I think we try to keep life wholesomely interesting with gardening, lots of free play time, craft work, nature walks.... and we try to live what we value, esp. by not gossiping/judgmental talk about family or friends. My husband and I tend to discuss that in private. We try to encourage problem-solving and constructive/creative play. We understand kids like to play 'bad guys' and try to keep those conversations open. Open conversations are likely the hallmark of our relationship with Kiddo. Much of what we want to teach about life choices and values requires those conversations to continue throughout his life, growing and deepening as he matures.

My theory is that if I make all the choices for him, he's going to be clueless as an adult, so I try to present the best options when I can, offer the good choices (food, entertainment, toys-- and explaining why these might be preferred to other options) and hope that he knows that we love him very much, unconditionally.

My boys are 7 and 10 and I am pretty free range.(Statistically there are no more crazy people out there than there ever were, I have taught my kids to be safe, and I live in a pretty safe neighborhood.) They are able to go out and play without me, as long as they are in a group of at least two, and I know where they are going, and they come back when they say they will, and follow all the other safety rules that have been laid out for them. I try to serve healthy meals most of the time, but they do get fast food once a week, and I don't mind if they have a Halloween sized candy every day (The Halloween candy usually lasts until Easter in our house). Soft drinks are reserved for special occasions, and we have dessert about once a week. I restrict video games to one day after school a week, and one evening on the weekend. TV is restricted to 1/2 hour a day during the week, but as much as they want and have time for on the weekend. That isn't a lot, because we are usually busy doing other stuff on the weekend, but they usually watch at least one movie each weekend. As parents we try to set a good example as well, we go to the gym regularly, swim, bike ride, and eat fairly healthy. Oh, yes, we also have house rules about treating others as we would like to be treated, respecting property, and cleaning up after ourselves.

I always did what made everything run the smoothest.

I agree with you that when things are readily available without harsh restriction, kids will not overdo it, they really only want what they "cant" have.
I had a snack drawer, they could get into it without a problem but knew they had to ask first, I usually always let them have what they wanted unless it was super close to mealtime. They never raided that drawer, but they could have. They had a friend spend the night once, he was about 8, he saw that snack drawer and went crazy, raided it in the night while everyone was sleeping. The next day I asked him why he did that and he said it was because his mom never let him have snacks.

If you are good at communicating with your kids, you teach them to be pretty logical at an early age, that way they are able to make better decisions.

The "why?" years are for a reason, they need to KNOW the answers.

Sounds like we could be friends! I am the same with my kids, alhtough my son can pack on the weight and has a bad sweet tooth so I do have to watch him a bit more closely. As for respect and manners, I had ANOTHER, (sorry if I am boasting, but he feels good to her how well behaved my kids are, makes me feel like I am doing a good job) mom tell me how well behaved my son was at a sleepover at her house last night and how she would love for him to spend more time with them. My kids are allowed to play video games, but chose not to very much, they would rather be outside,swimming, playing, my son "looking for gold". We have a nice size backyard, so thankfully they play out there ALOT. and OH MY I even let them watch some PG-13 movies. I don't keep things from them, if they ask a question I try to be as direct and age appropriate as possible. Now that is it summertime I belive in lots of popcicles, icees, smoothies, shakes, ect. Most of which I will make at home, just because it's easier, not because I dont let them have Mickey D's or such, which if we are out and about I probably would stop and get them something, BECAUSE they are kids and have one childhood and I want them to remember the little things, like how we would stop at mickey D's oin the way home from school and get that $1 sundae or if it was a special day a mcflurry! OK I've rambled on & on!

I'm not sure what I would call my parenting style. I guess I would call it "keep her alive until adulthood." Heh. I want her healthy and happy as possible, but also teach her and guide her. I try to pick my battles, try to be the love and strength she needs.

Well, we had dessert and then dinner tonight. Its not a regular occurence, but I didn't freak out over it either :) They're only kids once and its summer- I want them to enjoy life!

I don't put limites on things like TV or video games. Although I use common sense. If it seems like it's been too long then we do something else. Sometimes the TV doesn't even get turned on. I don't set a timer or count programs or anything like that. But I do monitor what they watch.

Same thing with candy and treats - if we go to McDonalds for dinner there are no treats after dinner - McDonalds is the treat. I do limit the amount of junk food they eat pretty closely though - but they do get it. My rule is that they have to eat their health food first. Once they've loaded up on the good stuff, then they can have some junk.

Ditto Kristina M. Also ditto you, A. H.

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I do what works for my kids. I don't worry about what other people say or think.

My kids are respectful, healthy, happy, smart, and amazing! (Not saying they don't drive me absolutely loony sometimes though!)

we seem to always have candy.. halloween, easter valentines day.. 4th of july parade.. all come wtih candy.. if they ask for it they can have it.. they usually want it for a couple of days after the event.. then they forget about ti.. a month later I toss most of the candy that no one wants..

sometimes they just need to relax and watch a show on TV.. you cannot run and play 13 hours a day.. If they have been busy playing most of the day. they can watch tv.. also at the end of a day care day.. they can watch TV.. sometimes big people and little people need some down time.

I say as long as they are good eaters in general, junk food is no big deal. Yes, in moderation, but as long as my kids brush their teeth and eat at each meal, I don't say no to requested candy, popsicles, etc.

Sounds like you are a fabulous parent!

I certainly am not saying that what my husband I did was right, but it worked for us. On one had we didn't tolerate stupid, silly behavior. I HATE (yes, I know I'm shouting) those mini-carts at the grocery story. My kids sat in the seat of the big carts and no they were never allowed to push around those silly little carts where generally there is little to no supervision. We have left restaurants if their behavior was not what was expected. They were allowed to watch certain TV shows and see movies that others did not, but we talked about them before and after. Food. . . . you can do all you can, but once they start driving and go to Quick Trip to fill up and come home with super burrito and large slushy, all bets are off! ;)

My 2 are 2 of 11 grandkids on my husband's side of the family. Every year my mother in law has a 'grandma camp' where all 11 come in and stay with them. I remember when my son was 12 he took the movie, "My Fellow Americans" for movie night with the cousins. My sister in law came completely UNGLUED because they talked about 'wet dreams' in the movie and her son was NOT going to watch such trash!! Really? I had not clue what in the heck she was even talking about. OK, there is one tiny scene in the whole movie that has a single line that mentions wet dreams. My comment back to my MIL that if my nephew (who was just 6 weeks older than my son, so 12 years old also) didn't know about wet dreams at that age, he should!

We were (are) not lewd or rude, crude or socially unacceptable, but we were a little more 'liberal' that some of our friends, and apparently relatives. And as my husband says, we work on the Shock & Awe method of parenting, you never really know what is going to come out of our (usually his) mouth! If our 17 year old daughter is a little pissy and out of sorts, he may ask her if she's pms-ing!

My point to all this is, that now the kids are almost 22 and almost 18. They are smart, healthy, successful young adults without a criminal record, drinking or drug issues, or unplanned pregnancies. Not that any of those are bad, just parenting challenges. I can put them in any social situation, even formal corporate things, and not worry about their behavior or conversation. And as I said before, I'm not saying what we did was right, but it worked for us.