How Do You Not Treat Kids Different When They Are So Different?

yeah this is hard, in a perfect world you would treat them the same and they would act the same. but you really really cant they are diff. kids w/ diff needs and you can totally treat them as needed. you will be doing them a favor if you do that really bc you are respecting their differences. hope that helps. side note.....I always wanted to be treated diff than my sis bc I thought I was the older big kid and my parents refussed to treat us diff. and it did cause a lot of problems btwn. us. I think if they did treat us as we needed to be treated we would have been closer. xo

Hmmm...I would say your only obligation is to share the same love for all your kids. But as to the original question: "How do you not treat different kids differently?" I would ask...Why would you treat different kids the same?

There is a twist I like to put on the Golden Rule because it just makes so much more sense to me this way:

"Do unto others as they would have you do unto them."

Which in this case, means provide the parenting, discipline, communication, etc. that works BEST for each kid and find a way to be very transparent about it so they don't think you are playing favorites. They are old enough to hear about what you think they need or don't need and how you are going to go about making sure they get it. My parents parented me and my siblings different; unfortunately, I didn't truly understand why until I was older and so did feel like things were unfair. In the end, I got exactly the kind of parenting that I needed.

I think as long as the same rules and consequences apply to every child, then whatever the outcome is, is up to them.

Here's an example of what I mean, my parents said as long as we maintained a B average in high school they would pay for any college of our choice, that we could get into, for 4 years. My older brother didn't apply himself, didn't get into a good college, and went to community college. I did apply myself, got into a great school out of state and my parents agreed to pay. When my brother tried to throw it in their faces that HE was slighted and that they didn't pay to send him off to school, my dad reminded him that the same rules had applied to both of us. The fact that I went off to school was because I took advantage of the offer.

I think my mother always felt bad for my brother. She felt that he was slow to mature and needed more time to get his act together. So the "rules" weren't fair because he couldn't live up to the deal that was made.

I learned a lot from that experience. I think that in order to keep things "fair" then kids need rules, limits and consequences laid out, in advance.

I work hard with my kids to ensure that things are "fair". Not based on what one kid does, or another doesn't. But based on "house rules" that everyone has to follow. My kids understand that there are "logic consequences" for not following the rules - like chores, doing what they are asked, etc.

I don't think it's unusual to have some minor differences in the "consequences" based on the child. So that if one gets the computer privileges taken away and the other gets something else (one thing) then that's fair. I could see why it would be viewed as unfair if it's all electronics for one and not the other.

In our house, my brother clearly got in more trouble than I did. However, I think that only escalated the level of punishments he got. So maybe the first offense would be 1 electronic, then if he earned it back, the next offense would be 1 electronic. If he had not yet earned it back and had another offense, then it was 1 more electronic, so 2 total. Then if I did something wrong, I'd lose 1 electronic. He'd complain it wasn't fair because he'd lost 2 things...however my parents would remind him that he had two offenses.

Try to write out some of your "logical consequences" so that the punishments fit the crime. They should be built upon so that each offense builds with a steeper punishment.

Although it sounds like Chey would never get past offense #2 (cumulatively), maybe Chels would. However she would know that SHE "earned" her level of consequences. And then you can get out of feeling guilty and you can always refer back to your list of "consequences" to remind her of how she got to her level of punishment based on her past behaviors.

I hope this helps - sorry it's so long.

Realizing and accepting they are different is the first step. Even if they were both your biological children, chances are they would still have different personalities. I have 2 children with my husband. If one acts up more than the other, that one gets punished more than the other. I think you are feeling a little guilty simply because the one you "punished" isn't "yours".

If you are sure to praise them for their uniqueness and abilities as individuals, then punishing them as individuals is equally as important. The important thing is NOT to say to one child, "see how well so and so behaves."

Consistency is key, but if something works for one kid but not the other, why would you continue to use it on the other it isn't working for? My guess is you wouldn't if there wasn't that guilt involved. Also, be aware that the "guilt" or whatever it is, would still be there even if Chels was "yours". When I have to punish one child more than the other, it hurts. But, if you are doing it in a consistent and loving manner, you are being a good mother.

God Bless!

Hi T.-

It's perfectly fine to treat one differently than the other as long as you expect the same from both. What I mean by this, is that you have the same rules/ responsibilities/ privalliages for each/all child.

Every child is different, and reacts differently to requirements/ responsibilities, and I've found the also react differently to discipline. One child may change behavior with a calm discussion and another may need grounding to really get it.

A quick FYI- When a job was done half way, I would make the child go back and finish it, even if they had to go back 10 times. Eventually, they would learn to do it right the first time. The problem it did create fighting.

R. Magby

So many people go through this so you are not alone, and it really doesn't matter what biologoy is in effect, they are your kids.
That said, as a mother of two kids 10 years apart and different as night and day.....
You love them the same.
But, they are two different individuals.
My daughter was a handful from the minute she was born. So feisty and independent. She walked at 7 months. What kid does that? Every day it drove me crazy about her, I also knew it would serve her well one day if channeled in the right direction.
Then there was my son. The mellow, sweet hearted and sensitive one. He just rolled with the flow and was so easy.
He would do anything I asked and my daughter would try coming up with every reason why something wasn't necessary, at that specific time, etc.
She went through a phase of challenging me on every single thing.
I was on her butt way more than I was on her brother's because they behaved completely differently.
My love for them was exactly the same.
But, you can't treat two completely different personalities as if they are the same.
Even biological twins....born the same time....one might be naughty and the other one not.
You can't punish both in order to keep it fair.
You can't go without punishing one to make it fair.

Each child needs to know that their accomplishments are based on their own efforts and if they don't do what is clearly expected of them, they have to expect consequences.

You already threw Summer Camp into the equation. I don't know how soon that's coming up, but you can tell her that if she doesn't do her chores and step it up, she can stay home with you for "attitude camp" instead.

I think this girl needs to know for absolute sure that you will not waiver in your guidance and love for her, even if she acts like she doesn't like it.
Stick to your word, though.

I wish you the best.

It sounds like you are honestly analyzing your parenting style in hopes of being fair. I agree with others that you should have the same expectations from each child and have the same consequences for disobeying. That is what is fair. If one child is disobeying and needs discipline and the other is behaving fine, then they will have different outcomes. This is one of the most important lessons a child can learn, is that they control their future with their actions.

I have a twin brother who was the "bad" one while I was the "good" one. I think my mother treated us very differently and unfairly. If I did something wrong I was punished, if my brother did something it depended on how bad it was since he was always in trouble anyway. She basically lowered her expectations of him because she couldn't handle disciplining him, and took out her frustrations on me since I was around. He felt like he could get away with anything and always pushed the limits, while I felt resentful and overburdened. Today we are 28 and I'm a married, successful mother of 2. My brother is struggling to keep a job and a roof over his head.

That being said, I think you are being fair to your children. Just don't give up on Chels, she needs your structure and someday will thank you. And don't lower your expectations of her because she is more difficult to deal with. And remember, kids think everything is unfair when they're teenagers, even when its not.

honestly i feel if the child ups the ante with their behavior, you HAVE to up the ante with the discipline. just make sure you can honestly say, "if your sister had done what you did, she'd have gotten the same discipline." if you can honestly say that then i think you're fine.

a side note, when did you realize she didn't clean the kitchen? was it after she left? I would have called her back home to finish. was it before she left? she wouldn't have left. was it after she got back? then i would have had her finish the kitchen, and added another penalty for not doing what she was told the first time. she knew she shouldn't have gone and she left anyway. so that situation should have been handled. when she starts whining about "why" and "it's not fair", let her know, her behavior is why. if her sister had acted that way, she'd have gotten the same results. as long as you can say that honestly, i think you are fine. hang in there.

It is ok to treat them different, Chels knows that Chey would get the same punishment. What you need to do is come up with something that does work for Chels. For example, when I was in high school I did not socialize. I was in dance. I rarely made trouble, but if I did, my mom only had to threaten to not drive me to a practice, and I was back in line. I feared it.

Chels has her trigger points too. They may not be electronics, so try different things. Her clothes, her friends, her bed, maybe a night out with dad. These things can be reward-based as well. She knows what she wants with her career, help arrange for her to make contacts in that field.

As long as you don't compare them in front of each other, I'd say you're a normal mom and it sounds as though you've tried real hard.

Make sure she has some extracurricular activities. My mom paid $3000 for my first year of drill team in high school. Completely ridiculous, but she said she had paid that much for 3 months for my sister in rehab, and she would much rather come watch me dance.

Just as you can't bake a cake the way you prepare a meal, you can never raise two children exactly alike.

I have the same thing at home. One of my girls is really difficult to deal with. She can lose electronics or time outside (11 yrs old) and it does not phase her. However, take away her art supplies and she gets the message. She can be extremely difficult. My son however is more than happy to do what he is told though he prefers to do it quick to get it over with. My other daughter is getting the "attitude" as I call it--those teen years are going to be something else. They are all the same age. You have to deal with them individually. However, you also have to balance the rewards and punishments. Just make sure that if one gets rewarded for something, the other also gets rewarded even if not necessarily for the same thing. This would go the same for your son. My son recently got a video game because he does his chores without being told 5 times, though he sometimes does need a reminder. My girls didn;t because the one has to be told over and over and the other wouldn't stop picking fights.