I have a relative who takes care of someone else's child (sort of her adoptive grandchild) in addition to her grown (or almost grown) mentally challenged children. This adoptive child has been with her since he was newborn and the child is now almost 3...was born addicted so there are some possible delays and long-term repercussions and suspected possibly ADHD (or something along those line). And again, at not quite three, definately in the "terrible twos" age range but is also very much OUT OF CONTROL.
I completely understand that at two, this child is not going to be a calm well-behaved child. I completely get that there are things beyond either of their control (the long term effects of being born addicted and any developmental problems). Due to age, the diagnosis has not been made for ADHD but it is so bad, the doctor is seriously evaluating for that and currently medicates to help the child be able to sleep at night (otherwise the child will be up for days). This child is WILD and very strong willed....can also be VERY aggressive. While the relative doesn't want the child to do these things, she just tries to correct afterwards rather than control him some before it gets that bad or just leaves so she doesn't "have to correct him".
Partially because of the child, this relative tends to stay home with just the four of them so the child can at least be partially contained. In my opinion, this leads to even more over stimulation when they do go out and are at a function or just visiting relatives. Sort of, not sure how to act now that surrounding are not "home". It also means that rather than just let the child have free rein (because let's face it, trying to contain a perpetual ball of motion is tiring), she and others try to somewhat control the child's behavior. She wants help but then gets mad when she has it. Goes so far as to act like this is the only child we are correcting when we've gotten on all the kids for running inside...the difference is the other kids are now just moving around while this kid is now running full force (including into tables and people) and all but swinging from the chandeliers. Then we have to hear the repeated "XXX can't help it. It's a shame what the mom did by making him born addicted....too young to medicate but doctor is about to anyway because it is that bad." On and on. Most of us hear this as "Everything (all the wildness and misbehaving) is completely ok and shouldn't be corrected because it's not the child's fault and they can't help it".
I truly believe that turning a blind eye, excusing it, and just letting pure wildness continue is doing the child further disservce. It's making it acceptable and the child will never learn how to act. While there are some issues that may never go away, there are learned behaviors that should be taught to any child. While it may be harder with this one, consistancy and structure would be of great service and help to the whole family. I realize that there are circumstances that explain his conditions/situation but letting those explanations be an excuse for them is further damaging this child.
Let me say that this child can be very sweet but 99.999 of the time is just plain wild. I have successfully calmed the child down briefly by talking at the child's level). It doesn't last more than about 2 minutes though. My husband has successfully calmed the child when completely out of control, throwing self, hitting etc by holding thechild firmly in his lap until child tired self out so much that "he" finally stopped (this is not something my relative can do as this child is too strong AND she doesn't want child to be worked up ike that because "little heart is racing"). By not taking action, the behavior is not getting better and it also makes the problems others' because the child will hit. I think calming should happen prior to letting it escalate to someone else getting hit because they shouldn't have to be abused because she can't or won't do something about this child...it isn't fair to either child.
How do you make her and others within the family understand that while the can't "cure" conditions the child have, there are things they can do to help the child overcome some of the symptoms?
**Please understand I have deliberately tried to make this as neutral/factual as possible. Thank you in advance for understanding that we accept this child as part of the family and want to help...we're just frustated that it is being handled the way it is (and the effect that has on the whole family).
Thanks ladies. Let me elaborate that while I know I don't actually have a say in the matter, this relative is like a sister to me so her kids call me aunt (including this child). This behavior negatively affects the whole household. It sometimes triggers her son's outburts (he's on the autism spectrum in addition to his other issues). It affects everyone they are around. Yesterday, we were at a family function (I was the primary coordinator) and others were about to leave before the guests of honor arrived because it was that bad. Then the guests of honor (this relative's parents) asked me to help because their daughter couldn't even eat. He hit my child and others. I don't/haven't told her what she should do but rather try to model it by showing her how my interaction seems to get a different, if short lived, response from him.
It happens every time, every day regardless of where they are. The only way it doesn't affect the rest of us is if she doesn't come...then it affects us because she's missing family events/get togethers. This further isolates the whole bunch.
I am truly concerned for all of their quality of life and this child's future.
I am also shocked that she did not have to go through the classes, background check, home inspection etc that foster parents go through when that it essentially what she is but without the support that foster parents get.
While she should have access to services, getting her to reach out to them and utilize them properly is another story.
I don't think you can. When people have their minds made up they are not going to change them. I guess when she says "Oh it's so sad what his mom did..." you could say "Oh it's so sad what his mom did, so now we have to discipline so strong, as is brain does not get it as quickly as other kids do, makes it hard on him and us, but it's best for the long run"
If she has legal guardianship of the child - should she not also be connected to social services? She needs to learn techniques for handling the child - just like she has learned techniques for raising her challenged children - this child is challenged also - just in a different way.
Instead of telling her what she should do, maybe try hooking her up with the appropriate services that will help her to understand the challenges this child faces and teach her the tools she needs to raise this child.
Behavior modification and medication - through doctors would go a long way in helping this family.
Is it at all possible to talk one on one without the kids? I think a frank yet kind discussion outlining just what you have said here is needed. Tell her you WANT her to come to family functions; you all miss her when she is not there but know that you are all stressed (including her) by this child's behavior. Empathize with her feelings over what has happened to this child - yes, it's sad that his mother exposed him to drugs in utero and is not in his life. But, that said, she needs to do what is best for him. Being wild and out of control will only lead him down a negative path to self destruction. Tell her you want to help - the whole family wants to help (discuss with people beforehand) - ask what you can do and be armed with suggestions/resources. She should find out if she can get any financial/physical help from DSS (not CPS - I'm not suggesting she lose custody). He needs therapy/biofeedback/behavior modifications/medications - a combination of all of the above! It might come to no avail but talk to her. Tell her you can see/understand she is overwhelmed and beg her to let you (and others) help her and, more importantly, him!
Hi, L.:
Sounds like what you have said to the caretakers and others that they don't know what to do about this situation. Contact the local school board to find some resources to help educate the family. Or you can contact your local social service department which has a Comprehensive Services Act Department.
Good luck.
D.
You really have no say so here. This is not your child and you are not responsible for him. I agree with you that there should be a better way for him to be handled. However, if his primary caregiver refuses to do so, there really isn't much you can do.
The only way that I would absolutely step in was if this child way acting this way in MY home. I will not tolerate this behavior in my home.
my honest answer is to wonder if calling CPS wouldn't be a good motivation for her to get some help with him.
Is preschool/ day care and option? Have her get him into a program where trained adults might be able to set up some structure.
HIre a special needs babysitter and plan out activities for functions like these. Playdough might be great for him, a sand box something tactile and calming. have the out and ready for him and all the kids.
