How Do You Live with a Messy Husband? Has It Ruined Your Marriage?

I used to live with a messy husband, but he changed! He picks up his stuff now and wants the house to look nice each night. He does the dishes 90% of the time, while I do the daily laundry load. I started doing Flylady and keeping things up on my own and after a few years (not kidding, it wasn't overnight), he changed. We can't stand it when it gets messy now and we'll help keep on top of the kids to maintain it. There are moments when it drives me crazy that he'll make a meal and eat before he cleans anything up in the kitchen, but I realize that's my problem not his. If he never gets back to put the sandwich makings away, I do it for him without nagging, because I know he just spaced it. We've come a long way, and it only got better when I stuck to my own routines and did my best to not get bothered by it.

If you're willing to break your marriage over your husband being messy, then the problem is you.

No, I totally get it. And don't let the harsh responses get to you. It seems like if people can't relate, they can't support. :-(

What it sounds like to me is that you need to separate who he is from what he can do. You won't be able to change a messy person into a clean freak, just not possible. So once you let that go and realize he is a messy person with lots of great (other) qualities, that's half the battle.

It's not just up to you to clean, but it probably is up to you to decide what needs to be cleaned. Make lists of what needs cleaning and HOW to clean it (as in the steps and requirements). Whenever you need his help, simply ask which of these rooms or whatever he would like to help with. Then either give him the list or work with him.

I would suggest also that you talk to him ahead of time. You don't want to treat him like a child or badger him. Just calmly say that you realize he has different standards of clean, but you need help with x,y,z and you'd like to just be able to tell him what needs to be done and does he mind a checklist. This allows you to have an adult conversation and he has a little power as well to explain what might turn him off about how this is handled. And then going forward you know he won't see that the garage is a disaster, you'll be the one to point it out. And just telling him to clean it means very little to him. You'll need to say specifically what should be cleaned.

Good luck! Hard to have two different personalities like this, I know!!

My ex was a slob and I didn't like cleaning up after him but I can assure you that didn't even factor in to divorcing him. Just wanted you to know if that is all that is wrong there are a lot worse out there so chill with the divorce talk.

My husband would let the house get really messy. He grew up in a home where his mother stayed home and took care of the house, and expected her children to do NO chores AT ALL. She did everything. Therefore, my husband simply has no clue that in order to keep a house neat and clean, you have to work at it all the time, every day. In an interesting side note, my husband's sister similarly had no idea at all how to clean the house, or even that it needed to be cleaned, until she met her husband. Her husband was born and raised in Italy (where housekeeping is practically an art form), and she fell madly in love with him and moved to Italy. She lived with his mother and sister for a year while her husband-to-be was off in the army, and boy, did they school her on how to keep house! LOL She went from being a total slob to having the neatest, cleanest house you've ever seen! It is totally a learned behavior.

Anyway, when we were first married, I was super irritated at having to spend my whole weekend cleaning the house and having my husband not only not acknowledge my efforts, but make no effort to change, himself. Finally, I informed him that I would be hiring cleaning ladies to come in once per week. He was like, oh, okay, whatever. So then I realized, I literally have to take his hand and walk him through cleaning up his stuff on a minute-by-minute basis, or I'll STILL have to clean up before the cleaning ladies come (you know, pick up laundry, put away shoes, that kind of stuff, so they can actually vacuum, mop, etc). So that's what I did. He would come in and kick his shoes into the middle of the floor, and I'd say, "Please put your shoes in the closet so I don't have to." The first few times, he looked surprised (as if the shoes magically move themselves to the closet?!). Then he started taking off his shoes and carrying them to the closet without me asking. Then it was "Can you please put your dirty socks in the hamper, so I don't have to?" - again, the shocked look, and then after a few days, he would put his dirty clothes in the hamper. We just kept going that way, and now he is actually sort of domesticated. It only took 13 years! LOL

Your approach is clearly not being heard. Your husband's cleanliness tolerance is way different than yours.

What types of messages does he get? If you hired someone, which costs extra, would that send a wake up call?

If you spent the rest of your married years continually monitoring him, that would create more and more resentment, so you need to ascertain if the good qualities outweigh this one big issue, or if he absolutely does not care and will not ever try. He sounds immediately defensive by using the example of stepping on chairs when rats ran through. He sees that as normal. A therapist would probably be able to help him see it as not normal. But mind you, hoarding is one of the most difficult psychiatric illnesses to treat.

GL!

My husband is a clean-freak, which is equally challenging just as any "extreme" behavior would be. Yes, we argued constantly about "my clean" vs. "his clean". Our solution? Hire a housekeeper. Seriously. He likes our house to be "spotless" at all times, while I am fine with "neat and tidy". Just an example... he was lint-rolling the kitchen wall last night because it was dusty. We were getting angry with eacother over something that could be solved relatively easily by a 3rd party. The $150 per week that we spend on a housekeeper is well worth the calm household.

Perhaps you should suggest something similar to your husband. You are not going to change "who" he is, but you can ask him for help in working through his behaviors. Hire an organizer, pay a college kid to help you, have a housekeeper weekly or every-other-week... whatever.

You aren't going to change who he is and you knew this about him when you married him (I assume), so I would suggest changing your approach/reaction. You could get really angry or you could hire help. You can end your marriage or you can work with him to shape his behaviors.

Maybe ask him to "help you" clean out the garage on a weekly basis. Schedule it into your week:(end) just like you would schedule anything else. Monday nights after dinner, we're working in the garage. Tuesday nights we are going to put away all of the "piles" on the kitchen table, etc. Make it part of the routine and get your kids to help too. If you leave it up to him to do on his own, it simply won't happen. If the whole family takes 20 minutes to clean up the house each night, it won't pile up.

I'm the messing one in our house. My sweet husband knew I had "issues" when he married me. lol And guess what, he has issues too! However, we are understanding of each other and continue to try to encourage each other to do better. I have made HUGE attempts at downsizing the house so we don't have as much of MY stuff around. It does make me feel better and its easier to keep up with. I can understand you being frustrated with this, but I was raised like your husband...no rats or disgust, but my mom kept EVERYTHING, neatly, but our house was rimmed with shelves and bookcases packed full. Her house is still like this. So understand that its hard for your husband when he has been a certain way his whole life. And if my husband pointed to the garage and said, "clean that up". I would freak out and it would NEVER get done. First, I don't work good under pressure, and second, if its too much, it overwhelms me and I go in shut-down mode. So why don't you ask your husband for you to help him, or just take it on yourself. My husband is very patient with me because he can see how much I have gotten done and he knows it will all be done eventually. I'm sure there are things about you that your husband isn't happy with. Maybe work together instead of against him and you may get better results. Good luck.

honestly if he's containing his mess to the garage, put some mouse traps or poison down and breathe! you dont give examples of him hoarding or having food all over and so on...it seems like such a minor thing to threaten divroce over? i feel like something is missing in this story

My house is full. I have "rounded" walls because of all the things over the years that we both have. Some of it is due to moving around the country and world with the military and having to leave items in storage and buying them again at other locations. Anyone need Tupperware?

When my husband became ill four years ago my house was reasonably neat and tidy no mouse droppings. Having hubby home full time and not on the road as a long hauler, we had to clean out the truck cab (I call it the apartment on wheels) and put all that into the garage. So here are extra clothes, microwave, shoes and such added to what is already in the garage. Pathway from front to back to get into house. Clothes migrated into house. We are in and out of the hospital for the next year and a half. I mean literally living in the hospital for six weeks at a time. No time to clean only to come home to do laundry, mow lawn, pay bills, feed cat and drive back.

I understand the hoarding thing. We also have things that need to go and as soon as we have a time slot, they will be gone.

Find a way that you two can come to an understanding of what your new term of messiness is and go from there. I always say a person who has a House Beautiful home is not a crafter and a crafter is not a House Beautiful because the time and energy it takes to keep a clean spotless home could be used to be creative. Got to pick your battles.

Some people don't see the messes they leave behind. Others like your husband grew up like that and dont know any different.

Good luck.

The other S.

PS I can't find one of my favorite shoes since the hose on the water heater busted. (That's another long story.)

Start hiring people to help you clean-if that doesn't get him going-then the problem may be deeper!

My messy husband is the stay at home dad to my messy kids, so I think you can manage ;)

My husband and I are both messy, and now we have a kid who is messier than the two of us put together. When we were in college, we lived in a building that had one shared kitchen per floor, so we stored our dirty dishes in the bathtub. We both get used to messes and don't see them any more(like the crumbs in the silverware drawer). I like junk to be contained in labeled bins, but my husband and son like to have things spread out over every flat surface they can find. My house is disorganized, but we have a housecleaning service come at least once a year to deep clean.

Our garage is mostly clean, but it took a lot of compromises. For a year or so, we had a pile of tools, wood, and projects taking up half the garage. My husband was mostly able to ignore it, even when a board fell on our car and dented it (and it took over 5 years for him to get around to fixing the dent). I couldn't move the pile by myself and we didn't have anywhere else to put it. Then he bought a new car. Suddenly, keeping the garage clean became more of a priority for him. We built a high shelf to store the wood, added more shelves and pegboards for the tools, and gave away some of the projects. He loves being able to put both cars in the garage to protect them from bad weather. The problem I have is that I can't get to the tools with the cars in the way, there's no room for a workbench, and he expects all the tools(including the ones he got out) to magically be put away by the time he's ready to put the car in the garage.

I think some either are missing the point, or because they haven't had the experience, they just don't understand. Here's how I see it - it's not necessarily the cleanliness......it's the fact that he's allowing his family to live in filth and not worrying about it. That is an issue in my opinion. The way some are breaking it down is that - he's messy so you want to leave - it's deeper than that.

For example it can be more than messiness. My husband is a procrastinator and really, unless something absolutely does not work anymore he doesn't worry about it. I was driving to work one day (45 min drive) and all sorts of lights inside are flickering and there was this weird sound - when I went out to the car on my lunch hr to check it didn't turn on AT ALL. I called my husband to tell him what happened and that I was going to call AAA he said, "oh yeah, it kind of made that sound yesterday." REally??!! and you didn't mention it and you just let your wife ride in a car that seems to be breaking down! At least give me a heads up something is going on!!!! (by the way - we live in a townhome wtih one car garage - I leave first in the morning so take whichever car is in back - usually just flip-flop cars every day).

So, what I am trying to say is that when someone seems careless in one way it's usually not just that one thing...........

You have to start speaking the same language. In my house I am the messy one...some things just don't bother me I literally just do not see them as anything to worry about. My husband on the other hand is super to the point of being (CDO...as I call him because OCD is not alphabetized).

My husband will start talking to me about how dirty our house is or how we need to get the house "straightened up"...and half the time I am not even sure what he is talking about because to me the house is clean.

Then I will go find him organizing the pantry...the PANTRY?? There are no spills in there or crumbs...the cats food is in the dish...BUT the boxes are not aligned tallest to shortest and their are cans of fruit and vegetables mixed together (and not alphabetized). He can spend four hours cleaning out and pantry that to me looked fine to begin with and he can get snippy because I am not doing any thing to help straighten.

I will ask him point blank "what needs straightening or cleaning??" and he will answer "the house"...to me this means nothing...to him it means that the master bedroom closet is bothering him and everything needs to be taken out of it and organized, stuff thrown away, and put back in the closet...and as it is a large walk in closet it can be a two to three day job. I would never ever guess that was what needed "straightening". When I looked in the closet...everything was hung up or on a shelf...the laundry on the floor was in a basket. Looked clean to me...but not to HIM.

So maybe when you say the garage needs to be cleaned or straightened...he looks out there and sees it the way I see my pantry or closet...it looks fine to him, he literally cannot see what is "wrong" with it. And I do think all garages can get mice or rats at times that is why you set traps when you find droppings and get rid of them.

Anyways...in our marriage this was one issue that drove us both crazy...finally we made some compromises...and it is still the biggest issue we face. But we love each other too much to let it end our marriage or ruin it. I work to keep things straight and he works on loosening up on what straight looks like...

There are a few things you can do. One is marriage counseling. Another is asking him to get counseling on his hoarding if that is part of the problem.

I grew up with a not as neat house and my DH and I do not see mess as the same level of problem. I have also found that while DH saw my townhouse prior to moving in and know that I prefer lived in vs spotless, he has gotten increasingly irritated with family messes. It's not just me. It's everything. At one point I looked him in the eye and said that if he was so upset with normal family mess (like the kids leaving shoes by the sofa) that he felt he needed to go have an apartment somewhere that he could keep pristine, he should do so. I was fed up with his nasty comments implying I did nothing when his older children truly did nothing. I recognize that I am not the neatest person, but he doesn't keep a model home, either.

So when you are upset about DH's space, what does yours look like? Do you have a stash (like my DH's workshop) somewhere? And is it partially due to depression? Or just being overwhelmed by it all and not know where to start? Maybe hire an organizer? Hoarding is more than just stuff. It's a psychological illness. It may take more than just cleaning up once or only cleaning. Is this space somewhere you can close the door and ignore it? That's what we did with SD's room. Just closed the door.

My husband is pretty messy too. When he is gone on a work trip our house stays so clean. When he is home it easily becomes big mess. He's worse than the kids. I used to get bothered and upset about it, but over the years I let it go. He is better than he used to be and he does try to help out around the house some, which I appreciate. But he's still messy. My only advice is to learn to let it go...and not be upset. I focus now on the things he DOES do that are great. I just don't hold that anger in anymore. The garage is his domain and he is always trying to clean it up...it's a never ending job bc he is terrible at it. There are piles of sawdust, dirt, and cobwebs but he never thinks to actually sweep! Also, we have an office and I let him have it bc then his mess is contained. It could be such a nice office but it's always a pigsty. I just close the door. If he leaves his stuff out in the kitchen I will just place it on his desk for him to deal with later. Once a year I will go clean some in there and he is always thankful and amazed. We have been together for 20 years. Not once has he remembered to put his dirty clothes in the hamper - he puts them on the floor. Each day i just make a sweep and throw them in the hamper. It does not take long. How did I let it go? I have no idea, but I'm thankful I did bc I used to get SO PISSED. I don't know how messy your husband is so I don't know exactly how bad your situation is. But it's hard to change a person.

Yes to the messy and no to the ruined marriage. I think most relationships are a combination of strengths and weaknesses. The best way to handle them is to figure out the strenths and make the most of it.

Now, if your garage is attached to your house - definately big problem! And rodents are not a messy issue, it's a hygene issue IMO. Meaning, yes, you will sometimes get them no matter what you try to do, but you have to do everything you can to avoid getting them and get rid of them.

Ask your husband if you guys can work something out - like a list of things he can do (and when) to help share in this. I feel garage is their thing to keep clean. Good luck!

Marriage Counseling = Several hundred dollars a session, several times a month

Divorce = Thousands in divorce costs, plus a WHOLE lot more (split custody, 2 homes, etc.)

HIRE A MAID.

Seriously. Think of it like an electrician, plumber, dentist, mechanic, accountant. We hire people to do these jobs, either because we can't do them ourselves (impossible), don't really have the time to do them AND not go crazy (aka quality of life), or don't want to do them ourselves (luxury).

Your husband is rubbish at cleaning (can't / impossible). You don't have the ability to clean up after him and keep your sanity (quality of life). So FARM IT OUT.

I'm seriously thinking of bumperstickering this:

Save Your Marriage; Hire a Maid.

Breaking up your marriage over him being messy is something you really shouldn't even consider. If you found mice droppings you have two things you can do, get an exterminator or get a cat.

I also second the idea of getting help with keeping things clean, neat and organized so that all of the responsiblity doesn't fall on you. It may cost you $150.00 per week or less or more depending on what needs to be done.

Your husbands desire to hoard or be messy is rooted in some deep feelings or just not learning how to keep or maintain a clean livings space. Also trying to be something he isn't (clean and neat like you) also causes him more stress which can cause him to be more messy.

No need for divorcing over it. Concentrate on his excellent qualities not his short comings. You will feel better and so will he and that may put him in a better position to deal with his emotions of cleanliness.

I know how you must feel. My husband is in your shoes, I'm clearly the messy one but working diligently on changing. It's really hard especially when you don't feel wired that way. Help him and you by getting some professional help in there.

Is your husband too messy for the marriage or are you to clean? LOL You guys need to talk and find a way to have a common ground. Come up with some ideas that work for both of you. Then you both have to respect each other. You - no nagging / Him - more organizing. There are other things that can help. Therapy for hoarding/anxiety over messes. A helper to come in to clean or help organize. A big purge day. Freecycle or Craigslist is great for curbside purging.

I am messy (as in, the chaotic, kind of disorganized messy. Not the unhygienic kind..) and my husband lives with me without complaints!

Hubby likes to put away things as soon as he is done with them. He likes a house that looks neat, clean and things tucked in their places always. Me, I don't like much of cleaning and putting things away. There are so many instances when he keeps telling me to put something away, and I'd just let it sit there, and finally he'd put it away.

There are moments when I feel guilty. Its not that I don't like a neat house, or that I don't know how to maintain one, or that I am too lazy to do it (well, I am that sometimes..). Its just that, when we both think of home and what needs to be done, we have different priorities. Kitchen, cooking up good food, checking my daughter's play things, laundry, making calls to friends and family, keeping track of communications, doing research for daughter's next activity, or finding an ENT for hubby...etc etc. Cleaning and keeping things neat comes much later.
To hubby, those come much higher above. But he'd forget things like calling in if working late. He'd leave dirty dishes and glasses and mugs everywhere. He can never find his sock. He's pretty lethargic. Blah blah blah..
Am sure you get the picture.

Its a marriage. And its perfectly OK if the two are wired differently. So long as one of you is willing to take the initiative to clean up, and the other co-operates or at least appreciates, and both of you complement each other in carrying out all necessary chores of the house, you are good.

:)

Note to self: Answering this post reminds me. I resolved to sparkle clean the kitchen today, forgot. Will do it tomorrow. Will bake some dessert instead to still make him happy. LoL.

Those are his qualities.. There is nothing you DO. You can try to get him to take on some extra effort. But you'll drive yourself nuts if you're looking to change that part of him.

Sit down and write up what is going to be his responsibility and what will be yours. Make your expectations very clear. Do not ask, asking means he knows if he waits long enough you will eventually do it.

When it's time to do something state it very clearly. " Mike, it's time to clean the garage meet you out there in 5 minutes." if he isn't out there in 5 minutes go get him and tell him now.

This isn't marriage breaking point qualified. :-)

We all have different tolerance levels for cleanliness and messiness. My husband is not messy, but he's not necessarily tidy in my opinion. For example, I like to wipe up as I cook. He just cooks and might wipe up a large spill, but would do so with a not so clean dish rag...but he wiped it up, is his defense. My husband will invite someone over and I will run to clean the bathroom and he just doesn't have a clue as to why I am spot cleaning the bathroom. Then again, he grew up in a family of all boys - 7 of them.

If your husband was brought up in a home where cleaning was not a priority, he wouldn't have this trait. You may have to bite the bullet and just do the cleaning. Perhaps this can be a trade off for something else, that he's very good at doing. Involve the kids early with cleaning and helping out. Now, don't get me wrong, I hate cleaning up behind someone, but I'd hate it more to live in a filthy environment. You can also hire someone to do the yuck cleaning and give hubby the bill, since he won't address it.

If he comes from hoarding types you are probably in for an uphill battle. From what I understand hoarding is very difficult to cure.

That being said, he married you for a reason. Maybe he subconsciously knows that you bring something to the table that he desperately needs.

My husband is very neat, and while I'm not a hoarder - I *do* have a hard time letting go of stuff. Right before we did our remodel my husband and I were decluttering, and I started crying. He couldn't understand why, and I told him that when I get rid of my kids' old stuff that I feel like I'm losing my kids. So he learned to be much more gentle with me. But I am thankful for his neat ways. He never makes me feel badly. He encourages me to hire help when I need it.

Figure out what your husband's triggers are. Comfort him instead of haranguing him. I know it's hard. But he DOES need you.

Like you, I live in southern Florida. You simply CANNOT have lots of stuff laying around, or you draw bugs and vermin. He needs to understand and accept how unhealthy that is, no matter how desensitized he got to it.

Your feelings are valid. However I do suggest marriage counseling so he can understand how this makes you feel, and so you can better help him.

Good luck.

You can't change his messiness... but you can help him corral it. I tend to be the messier one in our marraige. Let me make it clear, I'm very clean, but I do have my little piles of crafts and papers and clothes sometimes.

If you can help him designate an area for him to corral and kind of dump his stuff, like a basket or nice box by the front door and such, then clean it out at the end of the day/every other day/week.. than that will help.

Also, regular chores, like vaccuming, sweeping, cleaning bathrooms/kitchens, dusting... if he helps you maintain those things weekly, than it will help with the other issues.

Garages tend to get dirty and messy. Set a time for both of you to go out there together and get things done. Some people get overwhelmed, I tend to get really overwhelmed when organizing, so my husband helps me by tackling one little project at a time.

Not in this predicament, thankfully, but my husband and I have decided after visiting my MIL that she can no longer visit our house because her propensity to clutter will surely have us at each other's throats.

Thankfully my hubs and I both tend towards neat and tidy. There are certain cleaning jobs that I feel need to be done more often than he does, and vice versa. We attend to them as they become a source of annoyance for each of us respectively.

We are teaching our little one to tidy too.

A suggestion. Bring in a professional cleaner/ organizer (if you have the budget for it). Thereafter advise that anything not put away by x time (whether that is before dinner, or every sunday night, or whatever your tolerance allows) will be donated or discarded.

Further, if its food stuff that is attracting the vermin, adopt a blanket rule as to where food can be consumed, i.e. in the kitchen or in the dining room and no where else. Dishes and food must be put away, table wiped clean, chairs pushed in, floor swept and swiffered before anyone can move on to the next activity.

These two new rules might make a world of difference in terms of your tidy and cleanly needs.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I'm very glad that my husband doesn't look at my messy tendencies and wonder if I am worth being married to.

Mabey your husband is like me and has no idea where to start and the thought of trying to fix such chaos is so overwhelming that he doesn't even want to try. It sounds like your husband didn't have cleaning modeled to him and he needs to start on a smaller level.

Hire an organizer! There is a woman on this site, Jennifer, who is from Texas that helps people do this for a living and I KNOW there are more wonderful people like her who must be close to your area to help your husband get on the right track.

My husband isnt' that bad but he's not nearly as neat as I am. Our garage btw is neat though and we still get rats/mice... They're attracted to food or the warmth of the car engine. What I've told myself is there isn't "right or wrong" here. It's personal preference. He could easily get as mad at me for wanting everything so neat. He could say I'm an annoying control freak who can't have any fun and relax bc I'm obsessed with a neat house. So I don't "blame" him anymore. It's his house too. What I do though is set areas that have to be kept neat. ie: he loves to dump on the DR table. I let it go and then get annoyed and either he cleans it or I gather his stuff and dump it in his office and shut the door. I ask him once a year to go through his boxes in the garage and get rid of SOMETHING. The rest of the year I say, why does it really matter? Lots of people have messy garages - ours isn't btw but my point is so many people can't even get their cars in their garages where we live. Maybe get a storage unit? Make him pay for it. So if you don't have a good place at your house to dump his stuff, take it to the storage unit. But give him some space in your house to have his mess too even if it's small. I think it's about compromise, controlling what we can, and also remembering us neat people aren't necessarily "right".