How Do You Know When They Are Ready to Move to Their Own Bed?

Hi P.! First of all, how long do you intend to "nurse" your 19 month olds? "Co-sleeping" with any child only promotes their dependancy on you to be there at any waking moment. They should both be in their own beds by now or you will have a terrible time the longer they depend on you to go to sleep. Even infants that are nursed, learn to be in their cribs alone by 6 months. We are still there when they need us, just not interferring with your time with your spouse (which he will grow to be resentful of-no matter what he tells you).
The one that doesn't want to go back down, does it because he knows he will win and you will go down with him! And then of course he sleeps well! It is so hard, but you have to make a decision and be firm on that decision. They will act as they are taught and right now you are teaching them that they are the parent and they call the shots.
Try placing them both in their own beds, with their last feeding at bedtime and make them stay there. As our parents always said...it will hurt us more than them, but in the long run, you will have a happier husband, a better nights sleep and twin boys that sleep better and learn the boundaries of your parent/child relationship!

Have you ever tried having them sleep together? They might sleep longer knowing they are cuddling with someone, not that mommy isn't best, but sometimes any warm body will do! We are trying to transition our 15 month old into her own bed, she falls asleep with us then we transer her to her bed and then bring her back in with us if she wakes up during the night. We just stopped nursing (6 months pregnant and my daughter lost interest).

P.,

I just opened my mail to see your advice column. I have two children a 12 year old boy and a 9 year girl. My son has been sneaking in our bed since he was able to crawl from his crib. My daughter is so frustrated waking up to her brother next to her. We have asked him why he does not want to sleep alone. He says he his scard. We have prayed over him and his bed and room. I am really frustrated with his will to trust God. We are all tired from him sneaking into our beds making us cramped. So, teach your children early that there bed is there safe place. Pray for them and keep a bible in there room opened.(not closed!) Keep us also in your prayers!
SLEEPY MOM,
T.

In my opinion, 19 months and being attachment parented doesn't go with a child that young sleeping in a bed. Most pediatricans advise parents to transition their child to a bed at 2 and a half.

It makes no sense to encourage independence at 19 months in sleeping in a bed instead of a crib but still be breastfeeding.

So I recommend putting babe back in crib for attachment parenting purposes or putting babe in bed with you and his twin.

If you were not attachment parenting, I still would say that 19 months is too young to be sleeping in a bed, even if its just a toddler bed, because babe needs security first and the maturity to handle sleeping in a bed, and also because its safer for a 19 month old to be in a crib than a bed.

P. I'm a single mom with one boy and he's 12yrs old. There hasn't been a dad living w/us his whole life. Always the two of us. My son has always slept w/me up until this last year. He has his own room. But he felt safe sleeping in my bed. TO tell you the truth we have a very close relationship. It was quality time every night at bed time. We would talk and say prayers. I almost miss him sleeping w/me. They grow up fast. I say take it while there willing and want you. Once there pre-teens or teens. There way to cool to show to much affection to parents. If I did it all over again. I would for sure let my child sleep w/me as long as they wanted to. Good luck!

E./ Irvine

Hi, I am also an AP parent. I have 2 children (8 yr old boy, almost 4 year old girl). I nursed both (nighttime) till they were 3.

We had our son in our bed till he was 2. DH kicked him out. :) But I knew he still needed "nighttime parenting" so I nursed him to sleep in his bed and left. When he woke up at 2am and cried for me, I went back and stayed w/ him. He nursed every 2 hours after that, but it never bugged me.

I'm a big believer in meeting their nighttime needs for comfort and closeness. They WILL outgrow it. My son shocked me at age 6? when he didn't need me cuddling with him to sleep anymore (after books, he was OK with a kiss, hug and then he rolled over and fell asleep!)

I transitioned my daughter to the mattress on the floor next to her brothers elevated twin bed at age 1. I had a bed-rail for him up there. I would nurse her to sleep of course. The first year and a half or so, he insisted on being w/ us as I nursed her to sleep. Fine. I didn't want to fight it, have it be a problem... again, eventually he realized it wasn't that comfortable (obvious) and he chose to go up to his own bed (YIPPEE).

At age 2 her very infrequent nighttime nursing (she would sleep through the night till 5am) make me feel resentful and sleep deprived. I wanted to night wean, but a vacation sabotaged that. I nightweaned her at 3 years old.

I still lie with her and stay till she sleeps. She likes to cuddle my "nursie" still (fine) and sometimes she does and sometimes she just wants a back rub.

Sometimes at 5am, she will wake up, quietly walk to our room, quietly knock on the door and I come out and quietly walk her back to bed and cuddle with her. My husband has a very firm rule of no children in our bed (he can't sleep otherwise - fine) so they don't beg or whine for it. It's a non-issue. And when he goes away for the weekend and I say "let's sleep in my bed" she doesn't want to because she's not used to it! So if you want them to get used to sleeping in "their" room, you can start that now.

Like you, I found that if I just lay with them, they go RIGHT back to sleep. WHY? Because they feel safe and protected. Their little bodies can relax and doze off. If you are fighting w/ them, unlikely to happen. I say why fight it? Just roll with it.

Thanks to safe co-sleeping (there is safe and unsafe co-sleeping) we have not had the typical new-parent sleep deprivation.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has a great book called SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/ and she talks about how people need different things at nighttime to help them sleep.

I have a friend with twins and she says she does lay with them (twin beds on the floor in their room) and waits till they conk out.

(BTW, I send out an e-mail of local events of interest to families in the Conejo Valley. If you want to receive it, send me a msg.)

In contrast to the other comment you got, I'd liek to say congratulations for nursing for 19 months. I think the longer you can nurse the better for their health and as hard as it is to nurse 1 you accomplished that with 2! That's awesome! Now as for the sleeping thing. My son is 15 months and still breastfed and I am also practicing attachment parenting, but as some point they are nursing for the comfort and not the nurishment and you passed that point a while ago. There is absolutely no harm in what you have done for your babies and don't let anyone make you feel bad for being so attached to your babies, your "spoiling" them has only increased your bond wth them, having said that if it's not working for you don't feel bad to change it, even if it's working for your son(s). My son was co-sleeping with my husband and I until about a month and a half ago. He now sleeps great on his own. He wakes up a couple times a night but I just go to him pat his back a minute and he's right back out, he doesn't nurse through the night anymore just before bed and when he wakes up for the day in the morning. In the week before I moved him to his crib I started to cut down on the amount of times I would feed him through the night, and he was fine with only a time or too. The other times he would wimper, I realized he didn't even wake up, he just wanted the comfort so I "sshhhed" him and pat him and he'd stop and go back to deep sleep. Then I decided make the transition and I had to let him cry it out in his crib. I started at his naptime so the neighbors weren't sleeping. I waited until he was tired but awake and laid him down, I said "Mommy loves you, it's bedtime" set the music on his crib ocean wonders aquarium and walked out the door. He almost immediately stood up and started crying. I went back in his room every 5 minutes so he was reassured he wasn't abandoned and said nothing but, "Mommy loves you, it's bedtme." The frst time took a while, just remind yourself you have to follow through, if you give in then it teaches the baby that if he cries for 10, 20 mintues or how ever long he has cried when you give in, then he'll get picked up, next time it takes longer, and that means you let him cry for no reason. Back to the technique, every 5 minutes lay him back down, say "Mommy loves you, it;s bedtime." and leave if he doesn't stop crying. After an hour or so (just the first time) my son stopped crying and just laid there quietly. I pat his tummy while the music played, but if he started crying I said "Mommy loves you, it's bedtime" and left for another 5 minutes, next time he stops crying I pat him and he was asleep within 5 minutes. You have the repeat this each time he wakes up through the night too. If you make sure he's eaten before bed you can reassure yourself, he doesn't need to eat, he just wants the comfort. I've started giving my son milk with rice cereal before bed so I know he's not gonna wake up hungry. The first 2 days were hard. I did this at bedtime and naptime and on the 3rd day in was down to only 15 minutes or so. Within 5 days and to today I now take him in sleepy but awake, lay him down, turn on the music and pat him and he's out within 5 minutes, usually only 1 on 2 minutes, he doesn't cry at all, he knows I'm there even when he's asleep now. He still wakes up through the night but the amount of time between the wake ups is getting longer, and he goes right back out if I respond right away. The first week is hard because we love our baby so much, just keep reminding yourself it's better for him in the long run. Good luck, and tough it out, it's worth it. Write me back if you have any more questions. ____@____.com Since you have 2 I might suggest to have the one that sleeps well in the other room if possile for the first week so his sleep schedule doesn't get disturbed by the crying your son "in training" will be doing. If you have 2 cribs maybe the good sleeper could have his crib in your room for the week until your other son has developed the good sleeping habits. I don't have twins but I do care for twin 3 year olds, 5 days a week and now that my 15 month old goes to sleep well they all nap in the same room, so you can rest assured once the transiton is made they can both sleep in the same room again.

Hi P.,
I don't have twins but we bought our daughter a toddler bed at two because she was practically climbing out of her crib:) My husband assembled it in front of her and she helped him out and I think that worked well:) Also, I breastfed for a year but wish I had done it longer, so don't feel bad. Lastly, I often hear people giving advice being firm and stick to your decision. This is true I believe in certain times. But I also find that the parents who take that attitude have distant relationships with their children. Only my experience so I applaud what you are doing and I'm sure your boys will grow up fine, very loving, smart, funny and all that good stuff. Good luck to you:)

Dear P.:

At 18 months of age (all kids are different though) I realized that the nighttime breastfeeding buffets were only once or twice a night. That's when they're ready! At that point, I prepared my children's toddler beds. We had a really exciting day where we chose bedding, etc. and they helped to make their little beds with the new sheets. Then we went through the normal nighttime ritual (some people pray, read a story, etc.) and said good-night.

Yes, they sometimes came and climbed in bed with us. We never rejected them if they came in to nurse, they were perfectly welcome to, but I started to sleep with my back to them a little bit longer before I'd offer the breast and that way, they learned to settle down on their own. Eventually, they figured out that mama's bed was just a little too much effort to go to for a snack and they came in less and less.

Pretty soon (2 - 3 months later) they were showing up at around 8 a.m. and then we'd just cuddle, get up and start our day.

Don't think that your sons are trying to manipulate anything, they just love to be close to us and I am glad, aren't you?! My children are now 10 1/2 and 12 and they still climb in every day to kiss us good morning and chat about the upcoming day.

Enjoy your wonderful children!

M.