Hi moms, I've been married for 10 years now and my husband has been asking for a child for the last few years. We have been trying for the last 3 years but have not gotten pregnant so its not been a topic of conversation lately. I just found out I'm pregnant but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm scared my husband isn't really ready for this, do you ever really know when they are ready to be a dad? I'm from a divorced family and my greatest fear is ending up the same way. So, my way of mitigating that pain from my past was to wait until he asked for the children and then that would be my "test" that he was ready. Now that the reality is here that we are pregnant, all my fears are boiling over inside me. I'm worried that when I tell him, he will be excited but when the reality of the situation sets in he maybe it isn't what he wanted after all. He can be selfish at times and when you have children, the world no longer revolves around your needs, it revolves around your child. We have different styles of discipline too which I know parenting classes can help us to understand the proper methods of discipline but his family yells, my family only yells when its serious. I fear the change in our relationship that children bring. We are both the "babies" of our families so the grandparents will be ecstatic when we tell them, they have been waiting for ten years for their grand children to arrive. Since we waited this long to have children our parents are retired so we will have a lot of help with the baby. I suppose I am just scared. I have prepared for this day as logically as I could and plan on taking parenting classes and reading all the parenting books I can get my hands on. Like many of you have written, you cannot know it all, there is a learning curve with your first child. Thank you in advance for the responses moms, you have all always been very helpful when I needed your advice. I plan on telling my husband tomorrow, I will follow up and let you all know how it went.
***Would just like to point out: Different kinds of authority in a child's life creates a child able to succeed under any circumstance.
:)
It will be fine, if you have been trying for three years, I think he will be fine w the news, just be a team. Consider not telling anyone until 12 weeks.
This should have all been discussed and resolved before you started trying to get pregnant, but since it wasn't, now is the time to hash it all out, before the baby is born.
Congratulations!
You've gotten a lot of good advice so far, but I just wanted to add......
Both my husband and myself come from nutty, crazy, dysfunctional families.
I also was worried about repeating a pattern. So I decided, when we first got married, that once a month husband and I would set aside one evening where we would talk about "touchy subjects". The rules were using "I feel" statements, no blaming, yelling, no interrupting, and the other person has a chance to speak one first one is done. We agreed to listen calmly, but if it was too touchy of a subject the person could wave the white flag and that topic would be continued another time. Writing the topic was ok too.
I know this sounds a bit much, but the just of it is that it forced us to develop our own functional communication pattern. As life got harder and busier, we've always had this to fall back on. But after the first few months, we rarely had to do this anymore.
And really, neither of you know how to parent. None of us really did because most of it is 'learn as you go' anyway.
But it sounds like you both know how you DON'T want to parent. So now you have 9 months to talk about these issues and work together to not repeat the pattern. So start communicating!
Unless there are other underlying issues....get to work :-).
you've been married for 10 years and you've been trying to get pregnant for 3, and NOW you're worrying that your husband may not be ready?
i'm sorry, but it sounds as if YOU are the one not ready.
i knew mine was ready when i told him i was pregnant with our first. like me, he was dismayed at first. it was unplanned and we were completely unprepared. but we were already committed to each other, so we figured it out.
i knew he was ready for number 2 when he chased me around the house for a month until we caught.
because our first was a surprise, we didn't have much time to make parenting style comparisons and develop a family philosophy. we did it on the fly. how do you try for a baby for YEARS and never discuss this stuff?
khairete
S.
I don't understand - as Julie F. asks, is there more going on than you have said?
You've been married for 10 years and he has wanted a child for at least the last 3 years that you've been trying. That sounds pretty "ready" to me. I can't imagine that he won't be thrilled.
But remember that your hormones are starting to go wild, so your moods and thought processes may not be the same as they usually are. And we ALL have doubts at some point - can I do this? Will we be equally committed to this every single day? How will this change our relationship? How will this change the way he looks at me? How will this change how I feel about him? And so on. Those thoughts are TOTALLY NORMAL. So try not to read too much into any one thing that someone says - or doesn't say. And remember that it's more "real" for the woman, who feels the changes every day, than it is for the man who just doesn't feel the nuances yet. That doesn't mean he's not ready!
And one of the blessings of the 9 months of pregnancy is that everyone has plenty of time to get ready!
You can do a couple of things: google some cute ways that people have told others about the pregnancy, and if you and your husband have stresses, get some couples counseling to help you over the bumpy parts!
I don't know, I guess everyone is different, but I know with each pregnancy (three total) we were both very excited and happy. I came from a dysfunctional family and I didn't really have any help at all, but we had a pretty solid foundation going in (marriage, home, money) so I guess I felt like we were as ready as we could be.
I'm sorry you're feeling doubtful, and after ten years don't really seem to know/trust/understand (?) your husband's capabilities and desires.
I hope it all works out.
You've been married 10 years and trying to conceive - and are finally successful.
And NOW you're worried about what sort of father he will be?
The horse is already out of the barn!
Now would be a GREAT time for you both to take some parenting classes together!
https://beechacres.org/parenting-classes/
Google "free parenting classes" for your area and check them out!
A lot of the time we revert to our own parents behavior under stress.
Things you hated hearing coming from the mouth of your Mom you'll suddenly hear yourself say - and you'll finally TOTALLY understand where she was coming from for the first time in your life.
That doesn't mean we don't modify our parenting styles.
My Mom spanked - she definitely didn't 'spare the rod' and neither did my husbands parents - but my husband and I rarely if ever spanked our son.
A baby changes everything!
Your relationship is about to evolve to a new level!
Some classes might help you both relate, relax and become more prepared for what's coming.
Congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy!
I disagree with this statement "you cannot prepare for this no matter how hard you try." Completely disagree. You know that you and your husband have different examples of parenting styles based on your families. Take a parenting class together, now, to develop your own style. You need to be on the same page with this.
So before the baby arrives, you and he should take parenting classes to be on the same page.
If you have been trying for three years, he will surely be thrilled!
Unless---Is there more to this question? Are you concerned about something you've not mentioned? If you've already been married for 10 years, you are both well into adulthood. You say he has been asking to have a child for three years, but you are worried he isn't ready? Is there something that concerns you about your husband's ability to be a good parent?
Is he a decent human being, a good husband? Is he stable, mature? Does he have a good job or career that will provide enough income along with yours to support a family? Is he non-substance abusing?
If he checks out on all these measures, then it's a pretty good bet he'll be fine. As far as being "ready?" Are any of us ever completely ready? Parenthood is a whole new experience, unlike anything you've ever been through before. It's a wild, amazing ride. There is a learning curve, sure. But, we all go through this, and we learn and adapt as we go. It can be a big help to take prenatal classes together. You can also go to the library or bookstore and get great resources. There are tons of books on parenting at all levels.
It will be fine! Tell your husband and let him share in the joy with you! Congratulations and best to you during your pregnancy and delivery.
I think most people go through the "OMG I am not ready for this" stage when they have their first baby, it is totally normal. I don't think I ever felt truly ready for kids, but I am thrilled to have them and love them completely. We all have our own insecurities that can fester up. Much of the time when we feel we are not ready for a baby it is because we are not sure if we will be good parents. I am sure he will be excited even if he is also nervous, and you guys will do great.
Blessed Be and Congratulations.
I think everyone has to answer this for themselves. I knew I was ready to be a mom when we decided to try. So I'm guessing if you've tried for 3 years and he was on board with that, he'd be ready. At this point, not to be rude, but it's not like he has a choice :) Just be thankful! Congratulations :) Three years is a long time so just enjoy this. He will be elated I'm sure.
As for coming from different backgrounds - most people do. Our backgrounds could not be more different. But your husband will likely parent just as he does everything else in life. You can always modify and adapt as you go - that's what we've done. Share the news with your hubby :) Or as the moms below mentioned, are we missing something?
Good luck and keep us posted!
Congratulations!
Ok, first, no one is ready. That's why you hear friends and relatives say things like, "Babies are so much work," and "I used to have free time," or "I used to have money." The truth is, like so many other things in life, there's only so much you can understand and know about it until you're in the situation. I don't say this to scare you. I say this to reassure you. Of course you and your husband aren't 100% ready. The thing is, there's no way to be ready. The only training is on the job training. But you can do this!
You asked if you husband is ready and mentioned yelling and being selfish. Now, I'm not proud of it, but I do sometimes yell. It's not great parenting, and it's not great for my kids, but I'm working on it. It's definitely not a deal breaker! It's also not a sign of a parent not loving a child or not being a good parent.
It is good that you recognize that your husband's family views yelling different than your family does. This is just the first of many, many things you will find are different about your families when it comes to raising children. This will hopefully cause both of you to think critically about your own experiences and consider what you want for your own child. You'll both have to consider aspects of the others childhood. Never forget that his parents must have done something right with him. After all, he is the man you married and the man you love.
We are all selfish. We all have to work on that from time to time. We also have to take care of ourselves and be a little selfish from time to time. It's all about balance, but most people do learn that parenting takes work and parenting means sacrifice but that it also gives immense joy! It's worth the sacrifice!
Do you find reading helpful? I found Dr. Sears' books and website to be very helpful. I also like Elizabeth Pantley. But right now, maybe the best book for you would be "The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy" by Vicki Iovine. She is very down to earth and honest about her experiences, and her books are full of humor about all aspects of pregnancy ... and kids, if you read her other books.
This is not about being "ready," this is about education. Your husband will not miraculously stop all his bad habits and be "ready" for a baby, without any good reason to do so.
You will probably just have to have a baby and then work it all out once the baby arrives, like most people do. If your husband is selfish or inappropriate (yelling), that will quite possibly have to be worked out with the help of a couples counselor and/or parenting classes, if your husband is not a good communicator and willing to listen, to compromise, and to change and grow.
There are no guarantees in life. All you can do is make your best plan and then go for it.
Becoming parents is never easy. The best thing you can do right now is to accept that you both aren't perfect and that parenting classes would be a great place to start. Or talking to a counselor together about your fears.
I'm not sure why you are concerned about his 'way of discipline' yet, because you don't have children yet. Some families are loud. Some are quieter. Most parenting is nothing what you expect at all, 'everything you thought you knew is wrong/doesn't work' etc. There are no guarantees. Talk with him. It's better to articulate your thoughts now than sit silently in fear and anxiety.
Does he yell at you? Is that what this is really about? There are plenty of people who grow up in yelling homes and cannot STAND it, and they don't yell at their kids. They don't want to be in that kind of home. What's HE like?
You need to stop worrying about if he won't want you to be pregnant. Good grief. You aren't even giving him a chance!
As far as the families being excited is concerned, that's lovely. But don't let them tell you what to do in your pregnancy and after the baby is born. Everyone will tell you that you have to do this and you have to do that. Smile and tell them thanks, that you'll ask your doctor about it. And change the subject. ALWAYS deflect to THE DOCTOR.
Don't beat up on your husband for the next 8 months quizzing him on whether he'll be ready for the baby. Don't pull the rug out from underneath him with the baby, either. He is allowed to hold the baby differently, feed the baby if you aren't nursing, change the diaper, etc. Don't micromanage him. The WORST thing you can do is order him around with how to take care of the baby. Let him figure it out. If you hover over him and tell him all the things he's doing wrong, he will freeze up and stop trying. And then you have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By the way, I have never met a childless couple who weren't "selfish". That's so normal. When you have a baby, you have to LEARN to not be selfish.
I think it has not been a topic of conversation because it was not happening. I bet he didn't want to upset you by bringing it up. I am sure he will be thrilled. Congratulations!!!!! P.S. I am a teller. Kids grew up fine. Grandkids doing well to lol.
No book, no training, nothing cam guarantee your husband will never leave you. It just doesn't work that way. So it seems like you are the one not ready but what will make you ready is something no one can give you.
Life just doesn't come with guarantees and really you can do a great job protecting kids from a broken home but in focusing on that above all you will mess them up even worse in ways you never dreamed of. Stop focusing on correcting your past and focus on raising the kids you are going to have.
It sounds more like you aren't ready. You're scared at all that comes with this. I think my sister was more scared being a first time mom in her early 30's than I was at 20. You get settled in to a routine and life, and now that will all change. But it's not bad and you just roll with it.
Is anyone ever really ready? No books or classes or conversations can make that happen - things just happen the way they do, and you go with it. You can of course do things that work for your family, but you can't read a book and make things perfect.
I just want to point out that it is super common for two people in a marriage to have different upbringings and different methods of discipline. Also, it's impossible to be 100% ready. Almost everyone learns as they go along. So, you sound like just like everyone I know! I think taking a parenting class is a great idea...but how do you know which style of parenting class to take? Really, you could worry about everything if you wanted to. Taking a class together is a great start. Giving your husband paragraphs out of books you read that resonate with you is a great idea. Ongoing conversation about parenting styles. Ongoing converstations about discipline. I hear you saying it is very important to you that he not be a yeller with the kids. Talk to him about this. My friend grew up in a family of yellers and yelled at her kids a lot and felt really guilty about it. She did a lot of therapy and she says she has stopped finally. She is happy she has broken the pattern. Congratulations on your pregnancy...I bet your husband will be thrilled!
Your husband is going to be thrilled!!! Why wouldn't he be? You have been trying for three years so he must want this baby!!! Congratulations to both of you!!
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Your husband is going to be thrilled!!! Why wouldn't he be? You have been trying for three years so he must want this baby!!! Congratulations to both of you!!
honey no one is really ready for becoming a parent cause it's so much different and more intense then you ever can imagine
How did it work out?
You can analyze this all you want, but you won't really know until the baby is here. Dads don't really become "dads" until the baby is born. Meanwhile, you become a mother the second you find out you're pregnant,
I'd stop over analyzing it all. You are incorrect that the World only revolves around your child. Your needs are still important and and the key to it all is BALANCE. I have 2 children, and am expecting number 3. My husband and I still have an active sex life. We go on dates. He still plays golf and goes to games with his friends. I too still go out with friends and even an occasional kid free trip. Infact, I just went to Vegas for my sister's bachelorette about 2 mos before I got pregnant.
Life is not over because you have a child, unless you are the type to become a "martyr". Children add to your life, not subtract.
I think you just need to change your way of thinking.
Also, all your "plans" of discipline and all that will go out the window once you're actually experiencing it. I had all kinds of plans. I had planned my children wouldn't watch tv, and my method of discipline was time out,etc. Pffft. Plans shmans.
Anyway, it sounds like you'll also have lots of help, so I'm not really sure what you're so worried about. It seems to me you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Again, change you're way of thinking. Stop worrying about the future and embrace the blessing.
Best of luck!
