How Do You Help Your Adolescents Make Friends?

Updated on March 01, 2009
R.N. asks from Katy, TX
5 answers

Hi, we moved to a new city about 7 months ago. My 6th grader did really well at first--it was summer, and she met 2 girls her age that go to her school and became friendly with them. Unfortunately, those friendships went the way so many of them have gone for her...she was friends with each of them individually, but then the three of them started hanging out together, and the next thing we knew the other two girls were getting together and not inviting my daughter. She now hardly has anything to do with them. This seems to happen to my daughter ALL the time...she will make a couple of friends, but once she introduces them to each other, that's it...they are friends and she is out. She now has friends in school that she was really excited about at the beginning of the year but we haven't really been able to extend those friendships outside of school. She is in all pre-ap classes so she has a lot of homework every night, and she also plays tennis and has religious school twice a week, so she is very busy and it is extremely difficult to plan ahead (I also have two younger daughters and am busy with their activities as well). We try to call her friends on the weekends when she has time (once the homework is done) and invite them to the movies or whatever, but no one has ever been able to go (it is usually last minute...i.e., we call at lunchtime to invite them to a 4pm movie). A couple of her school 'friends' have had birthday parties which they told her she would be invited to but then they didn't invite her. One of them had the nerve to hand out the invitations to her other friends right in front of my daughter, and the other handed out thank-you cards afterwards, again right in front of my daughter. I know she is the 'new kid' and it is easy for her to be forgotten about, and she is probably the first to get cut when parents are trying to pare down a guest list, but I don't know how to help her. Where we used to live she'd had a best friend since 3rd grade and they were together all the time and she always seemed available. I know my daughter misses her friend terribly and just misses having that type of relationship in her life. My 9-year-old seems to be faring better, b/c although my 12-year-old is the more outgoing of the two, my 9-year-old seems to be have that 'social savvy' that makes all the other kids want to be friends with her (she has literally been invited to 7 birthday parties since we moved here, while my older daughter hasn't been invited to ANY). My 12-year-old is planning to call a friend after school today and try to plan for them to go to the movies together on Sunday; we are hoping that if we do a better job of planning ahead, things will work out. Do any of you moms have any advice for how to help my daughter make friends and keep them? She doesn't have time for any more extra-curriculars. She will try out for athletics next year but it is extremely competitive at her giant school so she may or may not make a team. We are also planning to drop one or two of her classes down from pre-ap to academic, so that she doesn't have quite so much homework every day. We are going to try our best to do a better job of planning and organizing get-togethers ahead of time, but beyond that, I don't really know what to do. Perhaps there's nothing more I can do--is this something I need to let her figure out for herself? Any tips or advice are welcome--thank you!

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So What Happened?

I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support! My daughter called her friend on friday afternoon and they made arrangements to go to the movies on Sunday. Her friend then invited her over for an impromptu playdate! She stayed for about an hour and a half and had a great time. Unfortunately, her friend called Sunday morning and left a message (we were out) that she was sick and wouldn't be able to go to the movies. My husband said she did sound very congested so I'm hopeful that was really the case (not that I want her to be sick, just that I don't want her to be making excuses not to go to the movies with my daughter!). Unfortunately, the little girl had mentioned it was her birthday on Saturday, so my daughter went out and got her a gift...when we got home Sunday, she tried to call and see if we could at least take the gift by her house, but there was no answer and she never called back. So, perhaps they just don't check their messages...I'm hoping that was it! Anyway, I think the idea about letting her have a party was a good one...I had planned to let her have 2 b-day parties (her b-day is in december), one here and one with her friends 'back home', but when we went home for the holidays her party there ended up being so expensive (dinner with friends at the Melting Pot) that we decided not to have one here. Anyway, I'm thinking that we'll try and have an end-of-the-school-year party if she's still struggling--that way perhaps her friends will think of her over the summer. In the meantime we'll just keep trying our best to make arrangements with her friends! Thanks again for all the words of encouragement. You moms are the best!!!

More Answers

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

I feel this situation is very similar to my family as well. I was also concerned about my older one not having friends at home as well as at school. I hope this makes u feel better about your concerns. I also tried to encourage friendships...didn't work. It was my daughter who taught me to relax about her social life. She is very responsible and goal oriented. She prefers to take care of her responsibilities of maintaining good grades (which requires mega homework to have good grades). She was born this way. Her other areas in her life r fine...is not depressed or have low self esteem. I have found that my youngest, who is in elementary school, gets invited much more often to parties because this is the age that kids always seem to have bday parties and the parents tend to allow the majority of the kids in the class to go (at least 50% of the time). In middle school, kids seem to begin to invite only a few kids for a dinner or movie ect. It also is very apparent that in middle school, fewer bday parties are taking place. My youngest is simply just more extraverted. My kids are different kids, so I try to support their different needs and activities. Best wishes with your recent move.

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W.R.

answers from Houston on

Lynnette,
I would suggest letting your daughter throw her own party. Maybe have a ice cream sundae and movie party, she will look really cool, and hopefully she can then establish new relationships and the invites will come her way! My daughter sounds a lot like yours, she is 12, plays tennis and attends a very academic Catholic school. We are changing schools next year to a private school in Katy, and now the same friends she has had since Pre-K are angry with her for leaving and a few have dropped her as their friends. It has been very difficult to watch, my advice to you is to be there for your daughter and give her the best advice to deal with girls who can be very insensitive!

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K.T.

answers from Houston on

Hi Lynnette,

It sounds like your daughter is well rounded in all areas of her life. Girls can be very mean especially at her age. My youngest daughter is 12 and is in all GT classes and has grown up with her friends from elementary. She met new friends last year when she started junior high because 2 elementary schools flow into one junior high. Many of the same things you mentioned about birthday parties and things still even happen to her. And she has known most of these girls since very young. I think it is all about the process of growing up and learning how to be a good friend. Most of my daughters good friends are in academic classes and she says the kids in her classes are mostly "nerdy" kids so she at first felt nothing in common with them other that studies. She has learned however to become friendly with the "nerds" and has actually enjoyed their company. She is also in church and in competition dance, so very busy. She does not have alot of time either to plan way ahead because of her schedule. I would not worry too much because junior high is a tough time because being popular and who's doing what seems to be what is important. But it is a phase, things will work out and she will develop good friends as long as you give her a good foundation to live by and it sounds like you are doing exactly that! Hang in there, good times and friends are ahead! I hope this helps. My daughter is the youngest of 8 children, 4 girls & 4 boys! I have had plenty of experience in the girl department and the junior high years! My daughter's best friends have always been her dance friends and her church friends. School friends change like the weather does! Good luck!

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J.P.

answers from Houston on

I had some similar concerns with one child as an
adolescent. He is now a man. In hindsight, it was
a huge blessing that his two best friends left him
out of the loop. It was heartbreaking for me for
"we don't know what we don't know."
I'd love to share my story with you, if you'd
like.

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K.K.

answers from Houston on

Lynnette -
I truly have no answers for you..because I am living the same nightmare! Girls can be SO many that if other parents only knew how their daughters handle themselves in school..I think alot would be shocked! I want you to know, we continue to support our daughter, stay involved with friends NOT in her school and pray alot! Please let me know if you get more solutions. Your daughter will be much stronger than any of those others down the road..promise!

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