For the MOST part, my hubby and I have a great marriage. We laugh all the time, get along very well and appreciate each other. However sometiimes his comments just cut me to the core, and i HATE it!
I'm the kind of person that when i get really mad, I cry. So alot of times I say nothing for a day or two because I know if I do I'm going to bawl like a baby lol.
To paint a little picture, I am a SAHM so we live on one income. Which is pretty decent but not my most people's opinions I'm sure. We are comfortable, but definitely have to budget. I buy 99% of our kids clothes at resales. I buy generic diapers. I shop as much as possible at cheaper stores then the big name grocery stores. I can usually get us by on $200-$250 for 2 weeks. Give or take a milk pick up here and there etc. So I feel like I do the best job I can. The week ouur mortgage is due, it does get tight. So we really have to watch. But last week we were really in need of some extra groceries. So we all go to the store, and I had told him we need some basics to get the kids through lunches and to cover 1 or 2 dinners. So half way through the store he says "I thought we only needed a few things?" There was milk, lunch meat, pretzels and juice in the cart..... I said this is only a few things. We only need a few more. He walks away, and meets back up with me at the last isle where I put a box of frozen pierogies, yogurt, cheese and bread, and a pack of chicken in the cart. He looks in, and huffs "Guess we'll have to wip out the crdeit card. We can't cover this, what happened to a FEW things?"
REALLY?
I got so annoyed I started putting stuff back. Which he then got even snappier about. BTW I knew what was in our account, about what I was spending, and we would've been FINE. I do watch our checking account! Our totally was less then $60. I was annoyed, and hurt. This happens ALOT. He later tried apologizing which I just kind of half heartedly accepted because this happens ALL the time!
The next example is Christmas shopping, same kind of deal. I started in August. Because we have a large family, of KIDS that we all buy for. Plus we have 3 kids. Again the comments of "HOW much did you spend? HOW many more people do we need to buy for?" Granted HIS family makes up twice the # mine does.
Then last night's the topper. I had posted earlier about drinking a few nights a week, and his comments that I over indulge...He'll drink 8-10 beers a night when he drinks ha ha. Anyways, I talked with him said yes, this may be turning into an issue. So let's just drink a few drinks over the weekend. We were out last night finishing xmas shopping, and I saw my fav. wine there, and it's always 3-4 cheaper there then anywhere else. I said "Do you mind if I pick this up now for the weekend since it's cheaper?" He snarkily says "Yeh, like it will even make it to the weekend!" Ouch, honestly? In this scenario he's a HUGE hypocrite. He's ran out at night after I've gone to bed in the past and bought himself beer. I acknowledged this was heading in a bad direction, and honestly my ONLY motive was saving $3-4. You'd think Mr. Penny pincher would appreciate that! Needless to say I've barely spoken a word to him since last night. And he's acting like nothing happened. He always does. grrrr. This may seem trivial, but I spend 99.9% of my life taking care of our kids, the house, HIM. And having him constantly taking little jabs at me. I've tried talking to him about it. It doesn't seem to change. I know I'm not perfect, but don't treat me like I'm a child!
Most of my friends are good at just snapping right back at their spouses, but I hate it. I hate conflict. But I also hate being treated like this! How do you ladies handle the low blows or jabs your spouses may throw at you? I know the silent treatment isn't the answer, but I usually need to cool off first!
He is involved in the checking account, we both are. We both know what goes in and out
And no, I don't feel like it's "the truth" and that's why it hurts. It hurts because it's the total opposite. And while he'll tell me sometimes what a great job I do and how much he appreciates it, comments like these make it seem other wise. I've offered to go get a job, to help with money. And he's totally against it. He says instead i should just get out with friends and go do something....which would most likely cost a little money!?
Mostly this urkes me because I try to never say hurtful things to him. I love him so much that hurting his feelings breaks my heart!
You could respond the way you would respond to a child by saying something like, "That wasn't very nice." or "That was uncalled for."
But I prefer to give the stare/hard look and not respond at all.
And like another said, leave him at home. Don't take him shopping.
jab back and ask him what the problem is.. its BS to just shut up and put up... i did that and the sh*t got worse
I've found the best "comeback" to be an honest question.
For the food - "how much were you expecting to spend tonight? When I said we needed stuff to get the kids through lunches and couple of dinners, what did you have in mind that would be?" And honestly wait for a response.
For the wine comment - "Why would you say something like that? I know in the past we've both gone through a fair amount of alcohol during the week, but we both agreed to only have a bit on the weekends to see how that worked? Why are you assuming I won't live up to our aggreement?"
If you can't ask those types of questions at the time, then you need to go home, let yourself have the cry, journal your hurt feelings (or whatever helps), and then go to him calmly and ask those questions.
He obviously doesn't think he's saying anything that would be taken personally. He just doesn't get it. You need to help him get it and the only way is to talk to him when you're calm and then ask honest questions and expect and honest dialoge.
A lot of times, money=power in a marriage.
If you do a budget, why is this stuff not budgeted in? All groceries, back up grocery fund, wine, beer, etc.
It's easy (and cowardly and unrealistic) to take pot shots at someone that people don't think has a "real" job....O. that never ends, never hits "perfect" and never gets to the point where it doesn't need improvement.
Have you ever told your husband how these comments make you feel? Straight out?
As for Christmas $, my husband does a Christmas club all year, and we spend what's in it. If we save some of that--bonus!
And, maybe your husband should take over the grocery shopping for a few weeks--men are often VERY out of touch as far as the cost of food.
You can respond with, "I'm well aware of what's in the checking account. It will cover what's in the cart. Trust me." If he's making comments, it sounds like it's just how he is. If he's anything like my husband he likes to make a running commentary about every. single. little. thing. He has to voice an opinion on everything. He has to comment on the cost of everything even if it's not the current topic. Cost has to somehow come into it. He's so concerned about finances that it overshadows all other thoughts and he just wants to make sure that what goes into the cart can be paid for yet he hasn't a clue what things actually cost. He underestimates on one end of the spectrum and overestimates on the other end.
My husband still thinks that a family of five should be able to live off of $50 per week of food and that I should be able to walk into the house with bags and bags and bags full of fruit, veggies, deli, cereal, meat, milk, and household cleaners. He's shocked every time we go grocery shopping. He's shocked every time we have to get household items like shampoo, tissues, toilet paper, etc. Come on, buddy. You're not living in 1924.
EDIT: I should add that we don't have alcohol as an issue in our marriage. I'm not a big drinker and my husband is almost a teetotaler. He gets hinky if he sees me having a drink at someone else's house or the rare (like once every couple of years rare) occasion I might buy a six pack or bottle of wine (on sale and only when we can afford it). Then it takes me months to finish them.
With or without alcohol, we're not disrespectful as your husband is to you. Even when we're not getting along very well there's more respect in our relationship. I strongly suggest marriage counseling.
I think you need to talk to him about the way he speaks to you, and how it makes you feel. If you are doing the balancing of the checkbook and all of the budgeting, he should trust that you know how to spend wisely and respect that. Inform him that while you do shop frugally, grocery costs are on the rise. I've seen it, and I coupon. What I could buy last year at this time for about $60 doesn't happen this year. It's frustrating, but he needs to understand that. Make him go grocery shopping with your budget and a list and see if he can "make it happen". It's really hard! Men just don't get grocery shopping and the costs involved. My husband truly thought a box of butter would cost $1 at Thanksgiving when I asked him to the store to get some. ha ha
Second, if Christmas buying is putting him on high stress, then maybe it's time to cut back on purchasing gifts for everybody in his family and yours. People will understand. Money is tight for almost everyone these days. If you have to cut back this year, it doesn't mean it's forever. I find that it is much easier to enjoy the holidays if I'm less stressed, and if that means not buying every niece and nephew a gift, so be it. Kids usually get so much anyway - what is one less gift in the grand scheme of things?
Another way to save is for both of you to cut back on the beer & wine. I'm not saying that you can't have it, just limit it to one 12 pack or bottle per week. Stretch it out. Alcohol is a budget killer. My husband cut out buying his to once every 2 weeks, and has put what he would spend into an envelope in his dresser drawer for a rainy day. It has surprised him how much he already has in there. :)
Hang in there - he's probably on overload with the holidays. It's not fun to have to budget and live frugally during the season of giving.
Try to let those comments go. He's expressing frustration and I don't think he meant to hurt you. I have to watch my attitude in these situations as well. Hang in there and good luck!
Don't try for snappy comebacks. That really won't solve anything. When women brag about how they tell thier husbands off, I know better. They are either telling you what they wish they had said, but didn't think of until after, or what they said did not help the situation, only made it worse.
Try to get to the root of the issue. It sounds as if money pressure is getting to him. If that is the problem, that gives you a starting place to work it out.
I live in a 2 income household, but I am in charge of making sure everything is taken care of. He has a paycheck to paycheck mindset and isn't able to plan or stretch or see what the picture will look like in 2 wks. Therefore, he contributes, but I'm the provider. If I didn't buy it, plan for it, budget for it, initiate it, it just wouldn't happen. I'm constantly doing math in my head every time we stop for gas, or buy food. Its a persistant worry for me. If I overspend by $20 at the grocery store, it could start a chain reaction of nsf fees and that will put us behind the 8 ball. It's tremendous pressure knowing that if I get laid off or hurt, what will happen to my family? Maybe all that pressure of having everything onhis shouldes is getting to him. And I'm sure it's embarassing for him to think he doesn't provide enough to not have to watch money so closely. That could cause a few tense moments and temper tantrums.
Girl, you cant' stop his snark. You can get sad, lash out and react like you do, but he'll still do it. You can lay him flat with some snarky returns (like I do) but he'll still do it.
Your most EFFECTIVE tactic in ALL the scenarios you listed is: Keep him the hell out of the shopping.
Men do NOT understand shopping and budgeting. I keep our family on a razor sharp budget, and THEN save even beyond that because I am the GODDESS of saving, but if he ever SEES me shop??! Oy vey, I'm buying way too much stuff. Because yes, I WILL BUY 4 boxes of Raisin Bran when it's half price rather than one box and then another when it goes back to full price. You know? EVERY week I save over $30 on store deals alone transferred to .50 cents off/gallon with the gas points, and get EVERYONE"S Christmas shopping done ON SALE with free shipping and maximum coupon codes, but he CANNOT SEE me do it, or he's all in my business. Meanwhile, he'll go out and buy very little, spend a fortune, and pay too much to ship it. You know? Keep him AWAY from you when you shop. You knew he was being preposterous about the less than $60 of groceries he would happily eat and never notice was missing from the bank. You SHOULD have left him in the car! I feel your pain, but that's the only advice I have.
As for the remarks. If I don't jab my husband with some return scorching snark (no more confrontational than a hissy fit with a man chasing you down and begging for mercy :) I WILL CALMLY spell out why what he said was wrong, not fair, and mean. And he does apologize. He'll apologize if I get hysterical too, but I feel better when I maintain my dignity. But again, this is "managing the problem" not solving it. I don't think grown men can relearn how to think before they talk, personally.
Don't go shopping with them!
I went back thru your questions, & it truly seems as if your life choices are taking a toll on you. Time to find Peace within before finding fault with others! Both you & your DH are at a challenging point in your lives. :)
if you're running that close financially, then perhaps it's time to find an income for you. Yes, you're doing a great job....but what happens when an emergency arises? & as the kids get older, the costs accelerate.
That said, & moving on.....as Jaimee K. said....he's expressing his frustration. For you to feel hurt & either feel guilt, a need to snap back, or avoid talking to him....means that you are close to the edge. This is not a case of HIS problem, it's a case of BOTH of you....with both of you acting immaturely. He doesn't need to snap & you don't need to react.
I truly believe you need to take a look at your whole life together. Has this always been the dynamics? Have both of you always presented this behavior, & is it possible to change for a better future? These are questions/answers which only the two of you can answer...& perhaps that's where you need to start: work together toward a better future. One that's financially easier....& without the booze for both of you! Peace!
Our husbands sound a lot alike, except, bonus for me, mine doesnt drink AT ALL. Well, actually the downside, since he doesnt drink I really get the stink eye when I buy a 6 pack. ;) Oooops.
It used to bother me, but I have come to realize he is just truly stressed out about money.
We know our roles, he is 100% responsible for paying the bills. I am 100% responsible for taking care of the kids and the house during the day.
I would just try not to take it personal.
Once he was bitching about me going to the store AGAIN, and I handed him the list of stuff I NEEDED, and said, "Here, you go and get this stuff so you know how much stuff costs." He really has no clue.
I told him that if he thinks its too expensive than he needs to sit there and think about what we can do without on that list and cut it out.
I really do think he thought toilet paper and laundry soap were just a couple dollars.
He handed the list back to me and said "Have fun." That was a better answer.
They really just have no clue.
They dont know how much food the family needs, what the house needs and how much it costs.
Seriously, make HIM a list next time, sit there and explain to him why you need everything on that list and tell him to go buy it.
Next time, try not to let it bother you. Hes not trying to hurt you, hes just stressed.
I too am cry when I'm mad. Some times when he says things I can't handle I have to just go in the bathroom and let it out. Sometimes I to tell him off...really depends on how passionate I am about the subject. Did it hurt me because it's the truth and just needed to hear it, or did it because I don't think it's the truth and his remarks made me look at see how he sees me?
Many of you know that I work outside the home, I am a coach, I am the GS troop leader...he's a work at home dad. My schedule can be so hectic that on the weekends the kids just want to spend time with me...
Last weekend I had to run some errands so did my husband. He was going to take our daughter and I our son. I said and I know the answer to this question "why does everyone want to go with me and why do we have to cry over this?"...his response "Well that's what happens cause your never home".
That stung because it's true! I am never home, I come in after work, pick up a kid and leave! By the time we get home it's time to eat, bathe and bed.
Right now this is my complex and not his. Could some of this be the truth hurts kind of thing? or is he seriously just being kind of a jerk?
I think it would help you both if you started budgeting together so you both know where your money goes. This will improve your communication and force you both to talk about things. It will be hard but it will be worth it. I strongly suggest reading Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace and The Total Money Makeover. The one thing I would warn you about though is that it takes about 3 months to find a budget that works for both of you and for things to really start getting better- the first three months is just you two figuring out how to do all this and work together.
~C.
I can't tell you what should not bother you, but I am not getting that it's about you at all. Maybe when he says something like that, you can walk over to him and look him in the eye very sweetly and ask (again, sweetly...genuine sweetness, now), "Are you having a bad day?" Something like that. When my husband does stuff that I have the presence of mind to recognize as "his issue, not mine", I say something like, "Hey, you okay?" That serves as kind of a slap back to present. When it bugs me, I tell him that he can either tell me what's bothering him or he can work it out in his head...before then telling me SOMETHING, but he can't keep lashing out at me.
I have to admit, though, that I was getting annoyed reading about the few things that turned into a few more things. I'm persnickety like that, though. A couple is two. A few is three to about seven. Several is about seven to about 15, depending on what you're talking about. Your cart sounded more like grocery shopping than just picking up a few necessaries. That would have bugged me if I were expecting something else. Maybe he was adding up the savings in his mind and was making his own plans for those savings, since you say that he, too, knows what's in the account.
It seems like your problem is that you might be feeling a little sensitive about your self-worth as professional wife and mommy.
Oh, and what are pierogies?? Seriously, that word has me confused.
I am not one to snark back, but I am very ready to say out loud, "Ouch. THat hurts." or to simply call my husband on the comment. sounds like he has some concerns that he isn't openly sharing with you they may be really minor - like holiday spending in general - LOL.
I would encourage you to work on being honest and in some ways more vulnerable with your husband. Talk to him about this pattern and if it is more recent tell him when you started noticing it, three to four specific instances (like you did hear) and simply ask - am I missing something here?
As you said, you are moving along in the status quo pattern, he is the one acting a little out of left field lately.
Could be stresses at the job or some goals (financial or otherwise) he has but didn't make you privvy to, etd.
I do not think the snarky back helps - that seriously just escalates to a full blown fight about tone and actions as opposed to addressing the root cause of the issue.
Best of luck and hope you both get back to where you need/want to be:)
Ah you sound like me! I always do the silent treatment b/c I'll burst into tears if I don't and then after a day or so, I'll bring it up, my husband apologizes/explains and then it's finally over...until the next one. lol. It's a sucky way to be I gotta say. My husband is like yours - we laugh and have a great relationship most of the time but sometimes he can be insensitive and do or say the wrong things - especially when he's under stress. I read your other post and you said that he's studying to get his MBA on top of being the only financial supporter of the household and those are two big stressors right there. And men are especially sensitive to financial stress in my opinion which is why these snarky comments are leaking out. I don't think he's trying to make you feel bad - i think that he is in a crummy mood b/c of stress and finances and you're just being the unlucky punching bag so to speak. This is NOT ok. A comment here or there you can let it go if it happens every once in a while - noone's perfect and I know I've snapped at my husband when I'm in a bad mood. No need to start a fight over every little thing but if he's CONSISTENTLY making comments that make you feel bad, you need to address it. Wait until you're calmer and have more control over your emotions and then tell him that you understand he's stressed out and finances are tight but his snarky comments are making you feel bad and creating a distance between the two of you. If you guys truly do have a great marriage otherwise, he'll hear you out, apologize and try to correct his behavior. Good luck! (PS. I don't think either you or he has a drinking problem unless its something that you NEED to get through the day. If its only once in awhile and you can truly stop at any time (maybe do a self test of not drinking), then I think its fine)
Sometimes my husband says snarky comments about my stricter parenting style (his is mostly fun-oriented; mine is based on responsibilities first), but we are mostly balanced on major issues.
I think there is something deeper than snarky comments going on, since you have such hurt feelings and he doesn't seem to care. I wish I had answers for that, but I only have these small suggestions; I'm sorry!
1. Don't buy gifts for family outside of your kids. Have your kids make them gifs.
2. Sounds like decreasing alcohol purchases could save some money for other food items. If you both have trouble doing that, maybe there could be some alcohol issues.
3. If your husband is supportive of you getting out with friends, etc, go exercise with them! It's healthy and doesn't need to cost anything.
Have you incorporated him into the bank account? I'm sure he has access but do you communicate about your spending? For example, "Hey honey, I got 2 weeks worth of food and clothing for $200 and put $10 in savings for us). This helped my relationship alot when I started letting him know what I saved. I also thank him everyday for being a hard worker and when the kids are here, they thank him also. My husband and I have gotten into those arguements over, "a few things" at the grocery store. I solve it by making a list, asking if there is anything he would like to add, and then if I see something I forgot, discussing it with him. It helps him feel included. I don't mean this in a degrading way, but sometimes treating my husband like the 4 year old helps us get along better. He gets choices. In reality, I know he does and supports us but going the extra mile and telling him makes all the difference. :-) P.S. For the wine comment, "if it will last through the weekend." I'd say something like, "If I can spend the extra money on those lotions, panties, etc. for your pleasure." :-P
In the case of the wine, say,"Now why in the world would you feel the need to say that to me? You hurt my feelings when you say stuff like that!"
Do this every time he does this.....are you a Libra? Because you sound like me....have confidence in yourself and what you do for your family.....do NOT put the groceries back......remind him that you appreciate that he earns the money and that you expect to be appreciated for what you do.
We had six children.....one of the things that I did was to write my feelingsvabout such things in letters which I gave to my husband....since it was often hard for me to express myself and get my thoughts together.
That worked for me.
After 6 years of it, I've found that we are both so much happier if I just pretend I didn't notice or didn't care. It still upsets me sometimes, but it's how he deals with things. He takes out his frustration on me. In a way it really is a compliment that he feels that comfortable with me to just be himself and not worry that I'll walk away, but it does hurt.
I used to tell him how much it hurt me, and I thought that he would try and stop doing that because he would want to not do something that would hurt me. But really, I was asking him to change too much. We all change a bit for each other, but somehow this fell in to the category of a wife trying to change her husband.
You just have to try to roll your eyes and let it go. It' s not personal. It may have nothing to do with you at all. Maybe he had a bad day at work, maybe he's not feeling well, maybe he spent too much earlier in the day and feels guilty but he's not able to admit that to himself yet so he needs to believe that you are the one not being frugal (oh, wait, that's my husband!).
Do your best to remember that he doesn't really mean it, and he's definitely not trying to hurt you. He's just frustrated about something, and you're a safe target. Just ignore him and change the subject. You might be surprised at how quickly you'll laugh again.
I'd stop answering or asking him and just do what you were going to do anyways. He likes being a jerk and KNOWS it bothers you... consider it his way of openly disrespecting you. Just do what YOU would do, since you are obviously extremely aware and responsible towards the family's (notice the group collective possession!) finances.
