How Do You Handle Your Child Getting Ditched by Another Child?

First... They are only 5 years old. When children play together it's like a group of rough rocks. Overtime they smooth each other out.

Second.... This is a part if life. It's something we all deal with from time to time. There will be instances when you feel like your child is being shafted. Those are the times you teach and help them grow from it vs feeling sorry, having the child feel like a victim or odd man out. Teach him to speak up to people when he feels like something is not right. Ex:.... Hey, that hurt my feelings.

Third.... Don't involve other parents in situations like this. Deal with your child. That makes you look not so secure and stable to parents when you address behavior of their children.

Last... You have more control if play dates are at your house. Still don't be intervening too much. The children have to learn how to work through situations on their own so they can be successful at dealing with difficult people as they get older.

They are simply learning about social interactions. Don't take it personally. I know that is hard to do but allow them to interact and develop social skills.

Are they at your house when they ditch your son? You might encourage them to stay together and do a game they would all like. Or you can teach your son to speak up and say, "I'd like to keep playing with you" or "It hurts my feelings when you leave like this." I think at 5 they are still working on a lot of social norms and until/unless someone clues them in, they will do things in the moment vs thinking about long term feelings.

Your attitude is what is hurting him. This is normal and has nothing to do with who your son is. My daughter plays with the boys in the subdivision. She doesn't hate the girls, she is friends with all of them in school. It is just the activities the girls enjoy after school aren't the things she likes. She likes to climb trees, play in the mud, run through the creek and bring me to tears with the state of her attire when she returns home.

These kids want to do something your son doesn't enjoy. Stop telling your son he needs to change who he is, what he likes, to please others so they will play with him. Never tell a child they should be a better friend!

they're only 5. they're not thinking long term, all they know is 'this is who i want to play with right now.' i'm not sure what you want the parents to do- forcing them to play with your son won't make them like him any better.
would you force him to play with kids he didn't want to play with?
it's no fun to get ditched. all of us have had it happen to us, and watch it happen to our kids. and i'm willing to be that all of us have ditched other kids, and have also done it as adults. and that our little angels have been the perpetrators too.
the only thing to handle is your own kid, and do it with a very light hand. the more you fuss and try to 'fix' it, the more you're going to make him feel a) like a victim and b) like a freak. and he's not either one, remotely. he's just experiencing one end of the spectrum at this tiny snippet of time.
i worked with my kids on speaking up 'hey! i thought i was your friend too!', and on deciding whether or not the other kids were appealing enough to play with one-on-one since they weren't *constant* buddies. and you know what? my kids, who tend to be on the 'pleasing' end of the spectrum, went back over and over.
and yeah, it could be hard to watch.
they got sad when they got banished, but they figured out how to deal with it. often i'd offer to go for a bike ride or bake cookies or watch a movie or something, and sometimes, especially early in the situation, they'd take me up on it. sometimes they just needed to be sad and process it. and they did. my older tended to find things to do on his own, and presto! either the rogues came back, or other kids gravitated in, or he would get absorbed in his solo occupation and not care. my younger, who's very very into friends, would figure out ways to joke and jolly his way back into the wolfpack. to this day he handles people very, very adroitly.
sometimes you handle things by taking your hands almost all the way off.
khairete
S.

So many great answers!

There are so many variations of this ... I think everyone already said it best, you just teach kids to be resilient and not take it personally. If these kids are truly nasty kids who are excluding him, you wouldn't want him playing with them anyhow. But if they're just kids, being kids ... then he can play with them when they're available, or, if he's bothered enough by it, he doesn't have to. That's his choice.

I think having him speak up for himself (as opposed to going to the parents) is the way to go. How else will he learn how to deal with this going forward?

And as the other moms have already mentioned - this happens all the time. It's nothing personal about your child. They wouldn't play with him at all if they didn't like him. But at five, three is not always a great number.

Listen - I've had kids come over here purely because we've had a pool. You just talk to your kids and sort of guide them. I've had to tell my older kid "Doesn't this bother you?" and he's like "Well, we have fun in the pool though". I'm like "Ok .. whatever". You work with your child.

Good luck :) It does suck I know.

I think you have to step back, hard as that is to do when your kid is hurt.

They're 5. They don't have social skills or much empathy. You can try to teach your son to speak up (as mentioned below) and to move on to find something else to do. Yes, it's a lesson in how to treat others, and how to include others.

Try not to turn this into a referendum on someone else's parenting. You say they let the kids run around unsupervised - but really, that's very common and was more so before we got to this state of organizing everything for our kids and setting up structured play dates. Kids find kids in the neighborhood, they play, they come back when it gets dark. It builds independence, creative play and resilience. Unless the kids are doing malicious and mischievous things, what's so bad about it?

Your son can learn to be a leader by building bridges, engaging the other 2, or he can learn that not all 5 year olds play well in groups because they can't focus on more than one person. He can also learn to occupy himself and not depend on other kids or on you all the time. That builds a level of independence and ingenuity that will serve him very well in the years to come. I never tolerated the "I'm bored and there's nothing to do" attitude. My kid played with neighborhood kids in 2s and 3s and 6s, but he also spent tons of time alone, inventing things and doing creative set-ups with Legos and Matchbox cars and train tracks, combining things cleverly and elaborately. He wound up becoming a civil engineer - all starting with his activities at age 4. It's really okay when it works out like that.

And, as much as we'd like to help our kids avoid pain, that's not very useful in life when things go awry. We need to help them be more resilient, not protect them. Assure him there is nothing wrong with playing alone or finding something to occupy his time.

This is an opportunity to teach your son about initiative and resiliency.

He can speak up and say, "Hey, why don't we do this thing together?"

And if they say no? Oh well, son, maybe they'll want to play again later.

I do wonder about his "style" of play though. I notice that one kid will get ditched if he's pushy or always dominating the conversations and play and not allowing the others to have some say in what's going on. So this might also be an opportunity to talk about compromise.

It sucks but it's normal. Just make sure you let your son invite ACTUAL friends over, friends from school or daycare or whatever.
We never had any kids in our neighborhood and honestly after reading so many posts like this (and remembering the same thing happening in my own childhood) I'm glad! The only kids who came to our house were those who were invited and actually wanted to be there, by choice not proximity.

Is your son 5 too?

My son is 7 and he still only cares about playing with whoever is in front of him..he wouldn't know to feel "used and upset" at the multiple personalities of the wing-ding neighborhood kids who gang up on each other in rotation...and talk about unsupervised..hoo weee these kids are savages.

Anyway. Back off. Let him develop resilience. That comes with overcoming hurt. Sounds like he still likes playing with each when he can, so encourage that, don't teach him to hold grudges. When the other two ditch him, it's OK to say. "You guys are being mean" before he moves on or comes in, but leave it in that moment, don't let him brood. Since you've told the other parents, if their kids are spotted together without yours, or they tattle on your son for saying they are mean, it will give those parents a heads up hopefully. Otherwise, let it be. Teach him to ignore the ignorers and find something better to do like you've been doing. I'm constantly coaching my kids to not lave people out, but I don't think any of the other parents do. And who knows how mine act when they are out of my eye sight and they're all running wild... If one of mine comes in with hurt feelings I pretty much say, "Well come in then if your'e not having fun." Then they usually go back out and join the melee. Or not.

They're 5. Savages.

I have a little different perspective because I was your 5 year old son. It hurt then, it will hurt tomorrow and it still stings as an adult. You grow to understand it and blow it off, but it does affect you. My youngest has the same issue. My personality handled it better than hers. Stay on top of the situation. Talk about it openly and honestly. Instill confidence in your son and explain that they are being thoughtless and mean. Their parents should know and if they care about how these kids grow up, they'll deal with it. If they are selfish like their kids are, oh well. Not much you can do.

It's not "kids will be kids." It's a part of character that can be molded. Use this as an opportunity for your son.

Hope this helps a little...

M.