How Do You Handle Prower Struggles with Your Children?

You CANNOT EVER let her win.
If she starts to throw a tantrum and you are at home, leave her where she is and walk away. If she follows you, just leave.
If you are somewhere else, put her in her car seat and have everyone else just stand outside the car (with the windows open if it's summer) until she's done. Don't say anything to her, ignore her.
I can buckle a car seat buckle pretty quickly and if she tried to hit me, I'd grab that hand, buckle her in with the other and then shut the door.
She is controlling the whole family.
The minute she tries to hit anyone, haul her off to a time out. Make her do it. It will get worse before it gets better.
Telling her not to hit will do nothing.
YMMV
LBC

Wow--you've got your hands full. I've been working with kids for a long time, so let me say first off--while you haven't seen children act like this, I have. A lot.

Part of this is what's happening at your daughter's age--she's figuring out how much autonomy and independence she has in making decisions which affect her, and is trying to exert her power. It might be in a manner we adults find frustrating and pointless, but given her age--and the very real inability to reason in a way we adults can relate to-- it is the only way she may know how.

Brain research shows that the immature brain of the child processes disappointment or loss in the most primitive "pain" regions of the brain. To better explain it, imagine yourself being given disappointing news--let's say your babysitter cancelled and you had plans for a night out. You, as an adult, will likely be upset and maybe even a little crabby about it, but you will may be able to accept this disappointment and rethink your evening plans. A young child, on the other hand, might very well experience this as a truly overwhelming pain. It is very real, just as we might feel a very real pain in a heartbreak or a broken bone--it stimulates the same exact places in the lower brain. Hence, the fury and acting out.

I have two books to recommend, and techniques I have found helpful. First, the books. If you are interested in more about the very real affects of the brain processes of the developing child, "The Science of Parenting" is a great start. Despite the high-falutin' title, it's very easy to read and makes such complete sense it's astonishing. Secondly, I'd check out the Positive Discipline books and website. Some of our interactions with our children depend a lot on nuance and positive persuasion (not all, and I'm certainly not saying that you are doing anything wrong, please do not take criticism away from this), and this book puts forth ideas that help empower our children to take an active role in working through problems.

Two things that have helped me incredibly over the years--first, I refrain from asking children 'if' they want to/are ready to do what I am needing them to do. Instead of "Are you ready to do X?" I say "It's time for us to do X." When we state that it's Time To Do, we refrain from offering the child an opportunity to say NO. (They might still say no, but we are owning the decision, which is more honest.) Second, I nearly always give a "How Choice": "It's time to wash your hands. Do you want the pump soap or the bar soap?" or "Would you like to wash up at the bathroom sink or in the kitchen?" What happens here is that the child (hopefully!) is quickly moved past protest to being thoughtful about how they would like to approach it. Instead of debating, they are invited to participate. I've also discovered that when given a choice in How to do a task, some children create come up with very reasonable third options. I honor these whenever possible, because this is at the crux of their development--positive experiences in problem solving=practicing autonomy.

I do think you are correct in giving clear boundaries and keeping your other children safe. I really feel for you too, because I know firsthand how exhausting this can be, especially if everything feels like a battle, day in and day out. I have nothing else to add other than that this does pass. I've known many terrific children who went through stages such as these and have turned out to be lovely young people. Last to add, your daughter is expressing her anger and pain, so try to remember to let her have her emotions while correcting the actual physical behavior. It's like the old saying--feelings are okay, it's what you do with them that counts.

Best wishes--hang in there!
H.

If possible prevention is the key and consistency.

Are there particular situations where this occurs more than others?

It sounds like she has issues with feeling out of control. Two of the three examples - car seats and clothes are examples of issues where kids can feel out of control. Giving choices - do you want to take your swim suit off or should I; Everyone needs to be buckled in the car to be safe - do you want to buckle yourself in or do you want another family member to buckle you in might be ways to alleviate the problem. Also, giving timed warnings can be helpful; We are going to take your swimsuit off in 5 minutes. Timeouts in a guiding manner (peacefully removing the child from the situation) can work as a consequence. Logical consequences are good for other misbehavior.

There are tons of books on parenting strong willed children. It sounds like these might be good to check out. I read many when my son was younger. If possible, using logical consequences is also good. The Love and Logic series is a good one.

You did not say how verbal your daughter is. Sometimes if kids aren't so verbal they find other ways to express themselves (i.e. hitting, biting, kicking). Is there anything else that might be causing her frustration? May daughter is verbal but quieter. She gets really frustrated with her older brother because he overtalks her. At times this has lead to her acting out.

When your daughter is not angry, you could also try working with her on substituting positive behaviors for her negative ones. You can do this with roleplaying. There is a website on social emotional learning that has some good tips. http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/

Also, it is important to affirm their feelings. She needs to know that It is ok for her to be angry. She doesn't have to agree with what you are saying - you are still the parent. She does have to find more acceptable ways to express her anger than hitting and fighting. Kids aren't necessarily innately born with social skills.

Also, make sure she gets plenty of rest. Try to remain calm and firm when she is going through her tantrums. Concentrate on your daughter's good points. I am sure as she gets older she will find better ways to express herself. Good luck.

I notice that when parents think in terms of "winning" and "losing," then the child has to lose. I have found with the most willful/spirited children I have known or worked with personally, this tends to drastically increase their frustration, usually resulting in severely escalated behavior in the short run.

Yes, parents can eventually win, at least while the child is small. But the control remains external and the child will eventually try again to get his way, if he's not emotionally crushed by the parents' will. (I was one of the "crushed" ones, and I know of which I speak.)

There is an approach often called Emotion Coaching or Empathetic Parenting that sidesteps those potential negatives and leads to a less frustrated child, less angry behavior, more internalized control (over time), and more mutually respectful teamwork. When my daughter was little, I used many such techniques instinctively, but still employed behavior charts and the occasional time-outs. Now that she has a little boy, I've found that a stronger focus on empathizing with his wishes, even if we don't grant them, has virtually eliminated his need to hit, yell, or act stubborn. He's become an extraordinarily well-mannered, cooperative, and cheerful little 4.5yo.

I know other young families who have had utterly astounding success with this approach, too. The best resource I've found teaching this is an easy-to-read and easy-to-use book by Faber and Mazlish titled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have a long history of leading parenting workshops, and teach parents how their children can often propose their own solutions to all sorts of classic problems, including attitude, responsibility and trust issues.

Another book that's really helping me understand why this is such a great approach is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. He gives lots of research showing the long-term effect of different parenting styles. Studies show that children whose parents practice "emotion coaching" are more physically healthy and emotionally resilient, less affected by stress, perform better academically, have better relationships, and are less likely to develop behavior problems.

Good luck. I hope you'll come up with a system that will increase the peace in your family.

Stephanie B, does it really make sense to you to teach a child not to hit others by hitting the child? How does that make any sense? Hitting other people should never be ok. Maybe that term in the bible was meant to be interpreted in a different way? I just can't see teaching a child that hitting others is not ok while you are hitting her. A bit hypocritical isn't it?

You go to church.... so you should know what God says about if you spare the rod, you will spoil the child. She needs to have pressure applied to her rear. This is a total act of defiance and by only telling her and trying to calm her, she is getting a reaction out of you that she is controlling you. You need to let her know in other ways that you are in control.

she needs a whooping plain and simple! especially if she is trying to hit you or is hitting you. that is not acceptable AT ALL! and she needs to know that right now. and if you do not get this behavior in check at 3 she will continue this and you will look up and she will be hitting when she is 13,14,15 so on and so forth. it;s ok for her to be upset and she has feeling just like everyone else in the world but you are HER mother and that needs to be respected from this day foward. and throwing shoes while driving? that is so dangerous, what if you had an accident of she did some major damage to you or her grandmother? I vividly remember hitting my mother when i was about 6 or seven, and the whooping I got from that i still remember at 29! I never tried that again! if she is in public and having a tamtrum tell her"hey I'm about to go and I'll see later." and walk away. she get the point and when she calms down tell her I did not bring you here to act like and the every time you do that i will leave you right where you stand. if she is acting a fool at home before you get ready to leave, leave her right at home. especially when some is there to watch, if not leave the house wait a few minutes go back in and ask her is she ready to go and act like a good little girl. and if hse acts right take her with you. but that hitting and kicking needs to be put to bed yesterday! my son knows better and tried to hit me not to long ago and when he raised his hand to me he thought about it right before he brought his hand down to hit me and I think he thought about the consequence and backed up of of me. I love my son more then anything in this world but i refuse to have a child that birthed and take care of disrespect me like that. and that boundry needs to be established right now. before he is bigger then me trying to hit me. i hope that you can make some headway with your daughter. i wish you good luck and you are in my prayers!

I highly suggest you read Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood (Birth to 6 years)

I just wanted to say thank you for posting your question! I was just about to post my own b/c of the same situation. I have a 3.5 yr old boy who is really "testing" us these days! I am learning from the moms responding as well. If anything, it's good to know we're not alone!!
Best of luck with your situation!

Have you tried timeouts? My baby girl is 21 months and she throws some nasty tantrums and I put her in timeout a lot, but it seems to be working. Also take away a toy, putting her in her room with a gate or something or taking away desert are all things I have used and worked for me. Tell her if she wants to act like a baby then you can treat her like a baby and pull out a baby bottle and baby food and the crib and tell her she gets to be a baby until she can grow up! Good luck and I fear DeDe's trechorous 3's :)

First of all, evaluate her diet. Does she eat sugar regularly? Reduce sugar as much as possible. Even healthy fruit is sugar. Increase complex carbs, like non starchy green vegetables and proteins.
Then I would find out if she is getting an adequate amount of sleep for a child her age. She should have 8-11 hours of sleep per day.
She should feel like she has your undivided attention for a period of time everyday. Spend10-15 minutes several times a day with her. Positively reinforce her good behaviour.
If you do not see a considerable positive change, then seek a specialist in behaviour management for your child.
It may also help you to have planned time away from the child every day so you can relax and regroup. Good Luck

You sound like you are raising my children! :-)

I went to the library and found all sorts of different, successful idea's on dealing with children who seem to have self control issues. One program that I am really finding some success with is the Love and Logic.
Some of the technics are to feed into their control bank with allowing them to feel like they are in control of themselves. For instance, when you were wanting to take off her swim suit, tell her do you want to wear the pink shirt or the red shirt with your shorts. If she says I want to wear the yellow shirt, well that is a third choice that is ok, because you are achieving your goal. Taking off the suit.

I have listened to Shelly with Love and Logic, here is her e-mail
____@____.com
touch base with her website.

There are so many more Technics that I am not convinced I am not able to share correctly.

I can tell you that I have told my toddlers. Do you want to go brush your teeth 1st or put on your pajama's? They jumped at the thought of being in charge of what they are doing.

Something I have not tried on them yet is, " I love you too much to argue about it. "

I like the different idea's Love and Logic has. Good luck to ya.