How Do You Do It?? - Cheltenham,PA

You can do this!!!! It seems that everything is crashing down on you but I'm telling you YOU CAN DO THIS! You don't have a choice. He's put you in this situation and the strong vibrant woman that you are is going to come out now and take over. You must do it for your children and your unborn baby. Years down the road this sorry excuse for a man will be living with his guilt BUT you will be fine. Don't beg him to stay!! Step outside of the situation for a moment, look at it from a strangers point of view. He's the one deserting his family - he's the schmuck! You will pick up the pieces and become a woman you never dreamed you could be. He'll be sorry - but by the time he comes to his senses you'll have moved on & be better for it. I've done it - you can too. I wasted 8 years of my life trying to make someone else happy to no avail. Don't allow him the ability to hurt you anymore. Don't focus on the negative you have to reach for the positive and the faster you do that the better you'll be. Your children can't watch their mom be a victim - it's not good for them and even if you are not crying in front of them they'll notice it. This is the hand you've been dealt, it sucks there is no denying it but the only person who can turn this into winning hand is YOU. and YOU CAN DO IT!! Believe in yourself!

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. My SIL is going through a painful divorce right now. Some things that are helping her are consulting a lawyer to protect herself and her children (she also has 3 - 7, 5, 2) and reminding herself that she did everything she could to make her marriage work and that she can't control the feelings and actions of her husband. She is considering counseling for herself to deal with her emotions.

From my own experiences with difficult/hurtful situations (I'm mainly thinking about my own marital issues and my son's cancer), I've found that focusing on what is going right in my life helps to provide emotional balance which in turn makes it easier for me to clearly think and deal with stressors. I enjoy my daughter's smile and my son's laugh, I smile when I get the bills paid on time, I am thankful when my husband does the dishes without being asked, I thank God when my son's test results are good. This allows me to tap my inner strength so I can cope and do what I need to do to care for my family. I believe that time lessens pain, though sometimes it can't take it away completely. Again, focusing on the positive helps me to ensure that the negative doesn't consume me. I have a windchime with the following verse: “God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.” For me this is comforting and guiding principle.

Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself, your older children and your child on the way. Take care of your emotional health - continue with counseling, meditate, get a massage (if ok with your ob), talk to a spiritual leader. Seek legal counseling to protect your fair share of assets and provide for your children. Keep a notebook of your concerns and ideas for solutions - how to help your children cope, how to not let your feelings impact your children's feelings, being a single parent, who can watch the kids so you can get some "me" time, who will be in the delivery room with you, what are your thoughts about custody arrangements for your children, etc. It doesn't matter if they are immediate concerns or those you anticipate much later on, just write them down, refer to them as you need to, then concentrate on something positive. Warmest wishes to you.

It is a very difficult situation, that I cant imagine. I am divorced, but I wanted the divorce. I tried to work on it for almost 4 years. He moved out 3 times, and even moved back in when we were divorced. I never thought I could make it on my own but I finally moved out 9 months ago and I am so happy. My kids were never upset about the divorce or the times he moved out so that is a hard subject for me to make comments on.

Build a support system. There are groups for divorced parents, single moms etc. IF you belong to a church contact people there for help. Do you have family that could come and help? Look around for any help possible. I understand you dont want the divorce but its hard to make someone work on it when they don't want to, sometimes you have to let go for them to see they want it.

I can say I don't agree with you giving up things you enjoy. I did that for 6 years of my marriage and came to resent him very much. You can not live your life for someone else. Right now you need to take care of yourself, and the baby you are carrying.

My prayers and thoughts will be with you and I do hope everything works out for the best.

E.,
I am so sorry for your situation. My only advice for you is to just take a deep breath and relax. You can't change him, no matter what you do. Pray, and get yourself and your children around a strong support system. If you have a church home, talk to some people there. I will be praying for you.
A.

E., I am sorry to hear what you and your kids are going through, but there is a good side to this. I am not divorced, but I am a child of a divorced family. My parents fought all the time in front of me and my siblings. My mom was always crying and my dad didn't care. My mom woke up one day and decided she couldn't handle it and put him out. He wanted to wait and find a place to go and she said no, bye. This made her the awesome woman and mother she is now. This made us stronger as well, we all helped out and worked together. My dad is till this day lonely and sad. None of his talk to him because he choose his girlfriend. My mom meet a man and was with hime ten years to find out he was no good. She has now been single for over 2 years and in May she meet this awesome man who treats her good. He actually has my mom out and about, and she is a home body. There is some one out there for you and your family that will treat you and love you the way you deserve. Put him out now, he doesn't love you, why deal with a man who is hurting you and your children, stop him. He is obligated by law to help you finicial seek legal help asap! Keep your head up!

Hi E.,
I am very sorry for what you and your kids are going through. When I was going through a divorce many years ago, a good friend gave me advice that really made it click in my brain. Now, granted I had no kids at the time and it was a short marriage, but this is what he told me. He asked "Why are you letting yourself be so affected by the words and actions of someone who obviously doesn't care how this is affecting you?" It made a lot of sense to me and at that point I stopped dwelling on the situation and was able to focus more on what I needed to do for myself.
Perhaps you husband is enjoying seeing you jump through hoops to win back his love. If a man can walk out on a wife, two kids and O. on the way, the maybe you need to find a better life for your family without him. It may be showing his true character, and it doesn't look very good. True, he will always be the father of your children and you can be civil and polite to him. You can make sure (for your kids sake) that he remains in their lives and you can help them by not speaking badly of him in front of them. But I, for O., surely wouldn't be knocking myself out for someone who could do this to his family. O. day he may look back on this and truly realize the pain he caused at least three other people. Maybe so but sadly, maybe not.
You have got to look out for your own interests right now. If you are sure that this marriage is over and he will not seek counseling (not just O. session) then get help for yourself. Now. Legal, emotional and spiritual help.
He is most likely in or a rude awakening when he sees just how financially devastating it is to maintain his own apartment, your family home, support three kids and live his own life as well. I truly believe that men who walk out on their families must, at the very least, be held financially accountable to the lives they've walked out on. Make sure to get good legal guidance and representation immediately.
Again, I am sorry for the situation you are in but it was not your choice and it doesn't mean the end of the world for you or your kids. Focus on your health, well-being and that of your children. Sending prayers for strength your way. God bless.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not in your situation, but just a few months ago my husband and I were going through really rough times and he mentioned the "D" word. We worked it out and we're both making changes, but I'll never forget the feeling that this is the end of us. Financially, it may help you to talk to a loan officer or financial consultant to find out what your future options are. I really respect the fact that you're not bad-mouthing your husband. My mom couldn't stop talking trash about my dad, and it really hurt my relationship with her. I hope that things work out well for all of you, and that you can find peace in whatever ends up happening.

family, friends around who can help?

Is there a room he can stay in and help as he should with you being pregnant and high risk pregnancy, but dont push it.

He could be scared and acting this way, people don't always act right way.

Go for counseling for yourself and the kids.

your health and that of babies comes first period.

Just in case, protect yourself, know all financial information, have cash handy, know life insurance, etc.