How Do You Bring up Stressful Subjects to Your DH?

A lot of times, e-mail or texting is the only way to tell my husband that i'm serious about something...not the perfered way, but if it gets the job done it gets the job done

another thing to keep in mind, when you e-mail or text, the words have no feeling in them no matter how you write it down.

something i've done is organized my thoughts so i'll have a planned approach for the conversation and had the paper right there with me...or i'll just type him a letter venting, screaming, and yelling in my mind...but he never got the letter...still made me feel better

I find that if I write my thoughts down I am better prepared to discuss them rationally. Often I will make my own pros/cons lists about things and this helps me to see both sides of an issue. Conflict doesn't always have to be bad-sometimes it helps to get to a better answer or a stronger decision. I may tell him on the phone or the email that we need to talk about something (broad topic) tonight unless he has something major going on (like a big stressful project from work that he has to finish at home ). If you approach an issue as "I am having issues with ____ ______ ________ instead of pointing a finger and saying " You are _______ _______ ______ " you may get a more cooperative response.

I am the EXACT SAME WAY! :) I feel like something will make perfect sense in my mind but once I try to say it, the words come out all wrong. I think an email or letter is a great place to start to organize your thoughts. That way you can read over it and edit it repeatedly if you want. You may not even want to send it or give it to him because once you get everything sorted out outside your head, you may feel better about talking to him about it. But if you do have him read it, then use that as a starting point for the conversation. If you haven't already, just explain to him that it helps you to get it all out first before talking about it. Good luck!

I also hate having stressful conversations, and it's compounded by the fact that my husband doesn't handle those conversations very well. I can't tell you what the best way to approach it is, because there's really no good way for my husband...not that I've found. But I do have an opinion on the email route. As a writer myself, I know first-hand how much better it can feel to get it all written down and sent off. No eye contact required, no chance of stuttering, and you can edit it a million times to make sure you didn't forget anything before you send it. But what I've learned is, guys HATE the email worse than the conversation. They hate getting something serious in their inbox and they hate reading. I know that's an unfair generalization, but it's not just men...the vast majority of people hate being forced to read. They'd rather get the information verbally. And when you write, you also face the temptation to go long and get everything down that's in your head, but you shoot yourself in the foot that way. Most people, especially husbands, hate getting a long email. They want it distilled into two sentences or less.
I hope this helps. I know it's not an easy topic. Good luck!

I don't like the email route. Too much is lost in translation. I've tried with my husband and what I thought was an hones well thought out email he read as accusatory and degrading. It turned into a HUGE ordeal. If we had just sat down face to face to discuss the topic, it wouldn't have been an issue at all!

I'll tell you some of the things my marriage counselor told me.
Tell your husband that you have something to discuss and ask him when would be a good time. You don't want to discuss something serious when the kids are awake, while you're otherwise engaged (cooking dinner, watching TV, checking email, etc).
Once you set a time stick to it! Don't let the subject get pushed to the back burner.
Avoid "You" statements. So don't say "You never take out the garbage." Instead say: "I feel like we need to re-examine the household chores. I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed." Then sort of go from there. If at any point during the conversation things get heated, stop talking. Look at him and say "I feel like things are getting a little out of control. I know I'm upset and that makes it hard to listen. I feel like you're frustrated too. Let's take a 10 minute break and calm down."
It sounds seriously cheesy, I know. But it WORKS! By husband and I both have the need to be right ALL the time and this tactic has literally saved my marriage.

If you do feel like you should write things down, then write it and read it to him. You'll reduce the chance that he might misinterpret something. Personally, I think we've lost a lot of our communication skills because we tend to simply fire off an email or a text. There's a lot to be said for an honest face to face conversation.

I agree with Shaun--it's too easy to misintrepret an email, imo. Plus, I think that a lot of times, we just write stuff and don't bother to think about how it comes across to the other person...until after we hit "send" (when it's too late!).

Sometimes, if I'm really frustrated, I'll "write" an email, with no sender in the "sender" box and just write what I feel. Then I let it sit for a while (an hour maybe?) and reread it. Usually, rereading it helps me realize that most of it is just me having a bad day or whatever, but sometimes, I'll reread and realize that this is something that I can't let go. ...

If I can't let it go, then I go to the next step, which is write up my thoughts feelings, and what I'd like to have happen. Just a short list (notes, mostly).

Then, when DH & I are sitting at dinner, I say, "There something I'd like to talk to you about if you have a few minutes, either now or later tonight." I make sure to pick times when he's not upset/stressed, and I'm not upset/stressed, and when we aren't distracted by the kids, dogs, etc.

Then, I use my notes for reference if I need to, and use "I" statements to tell him what's going on. Then ask him for his input, or let him know what I think might work to fix the problem. Or, depending on what it is, I might just tell him, and then ask him to hug me or sit with me for a few minutes & snuggle, etc. After we're done talking, I tell him I appreciate him listening, and that I love him. (this is of course the ideal, but I'm a big believer that aiming for the ideal helps, even if it doesn't turn out this way).

Example: I'm angry because the house is a mess and the dishes are stacked to the ceiling, and clean laundry that was in a basket in the living room is now strewn on the floor by the toddler, etc. So, I write out an email to vent (but DONT send it!!!!). Then I reread it and realize, that what I really am feeling is: Stressed out and like I need more help. So, instead of writing a nasty email, I write a list of what I'm stressed about, and then things that could be done. Then I sit down with DH and tell him, "you may have noticed, but I'm feeling kind of stressed lately, with the house being such a mess. Would you mind helping me with it? It would be great if you could do a load of dishes tomorrow and put away the laundry."

It doesn't always work out, of course, but it's always worth trying. I find that if I'm really upset/emotional, it doesn't usually go as well, and there are definitely times I have to leave the room and come back to it later, if I'm upset. Fortunately, DH is a very laid-back person and handles it really well (he's just sort of oblivious to the house being a disaster, LOL).

Wirting something down is always helpful. I guess I am not huge on having a serious discussion with someone over e-mail unless we are miles apart and it something that needs to be said right at that moment, there is no other way then.

I would suggest to write it down for yourself, organize your thoughts, rewrite if you have the time. Then sit down with husband and you can get your cheat sheet out... of course I would also let hubby now that you organized throughts so you are better able to communicate. Give him the chance to also take time to do the same if he feels the need after you start talking, so that he feels he has had time to think and prepare for the discussion.

Also pick a good time to bring something up that is a stressful matter. There may never be the perfect time to bring it up but try to pick the time of day that is best for both of you, could be in the morning, or after dinner, but I would not wait till right before bed both of you will be tired & then you both may go to bed unhappy if the converstation does not have a good end.

How do I do it? Ugh.

I do it when we are both well rested, well fed, we have nothing pressing going on and we are not in the middle of something that would take attention away (like watching a football game). Finding the right moment is hard, but worth it.

Yes, I do. Not because I'm stressed out about it but that HE is. I prepare him for whatever by shooting him and e-mail and letting him know that at some point in the next week, I need him to carve out some time to talk about whatever the subject is. That way, he's prepared, I'm prepared etc. I think if you both sit down and know what's coming, it is much less stressful that talking about a big subject without each being prepared. Good luck.

I often email DH if I'm overwhelmed, irritated, or need to "talk." It helps if I type it out and re-write so it doesn't come across poorly.

I thought it was strange for a long time but if it works, use it as a tool.

No, I don't email, text or call DH anymore at work if I am upset about something. I think it gives me an unfair home field advantage and he is unable to respond because he is working. If there is something on my mind, I try to pick through the issue and get to the heart of the problem so we can have a conversation about what is really going on and "own" my issues in the matter.

ugh mee too! i found its more about the other persons tone that freaks me out. if they talk to me like i am in big trouble i feel like i am a kid in the princables office. when talking to my hubby and i get that sinking feeling i ask him to watch your tone. and he adjusts accordingly. i usually cry! i hate being wrong i hate feeling like i am failing i also hate when there is no solution. thats the worst. if there was a problem and a quick answer it would be great. but usually there isnt. perhaps it is the tone. in that case i will email or text about things. that way i can swallow it and have a min before i respond. and i dont have to hear the firm harsh tone either!

I agree that it's easier to marshal your thoughts on paper when you have the luxury of rereading what you think needs to be said and throwing out the parts that represent a grudge you might be holding or helping to clarify or distill a thought before you air it, but I would do that and then request a time for face-to-face because just pitching that email out there creates a one-sided conversation and you might not ever get a chance to hear how he really feels about something. Also, when you hurt someone's feelings in an email, you may not ever know what their true reaction is since you can't see it, and can possibly damage your relationship by not giving him a chance to air his thoughts.

I HATE conflict! with anyone.
I'm 100% better at writing an email - I'm able to get all my thoughts out, before I get side tracked, or too 'frazzled' to continue. It may seem 'cold' to send an email but it helps him understand me (my side, where I'm coming from) better and then we DO sit and talk about it later that night usually. I find that is what works best for us!

Yes, I often e-mail if needed...but mostly I talk with him while we are in the shower ;)

i absolutely agree with chrstina h. AND my husband has ADD and dyslexia. i have found if it's really a tricky subject, and an email is just a necessity - keep it SHORT and SWEET and TO THE POINT. otherwise you're doing more harm than good. leave out all the editorial comments, opinions, heart wrenching examples - just give him the facts, and what you expect to gain from the conversation. the simpler and shorter, the better. i absolutely know where you're coming from. but the more you pour your heart out and try to get him to understand, the more he'll see a big rambling mess. then he will lose interest and get frustrated. i have an extreme case i know all men aren't like this, but there is something to the fact that men's brains work different than ours. simple fact. they deal with facts and solutions. good luck!

My husband is hardly on the computer and he doesn't have a text plan on his phone, so that route is out. I do think it is a good idea as long as you can keep it short and on point, as other mom's have said.

But otherwise, there is no good way to do it, and my DH makes things far more difficult also. If he doesn't want to hear something he interrupts the sentence - does this with both our daughter and me, and the reaction is the same for both of us, WE GET LOUD (or a little bit louder and more emotional with each interruption). The difference is, now I'm aware of it, and if the conversation is important enough I will complete my thought. Good luck!

I think that only people who enjoy fighting find these conversations pleasant. That said, it needs to be done, if you are to reap the benefits of conflict resolution (both for your relationship and for your own feeling of self-worth. Not addressing these issues is a sign of some underlying belief that you are unworthy of having your needs met. There's a lot to be said about that part.)

I, too, am a writer. Sometimes I present my writing to my husband; sometimes I just use it to help me to get my thoughts out and gather them for the conversation. He doesn't ALWAYS need to hear EVERYTHING that comes through my head. However you need to do it, just do it. I find that a good way to open it, though, is to let my husband know that the topic is unpleasant for me but I need to address it.

It might help you to open the conversation at a restaurant or something, just somewhere other than your home. That way, your home can be the designated "safe place", at least until you learn to have these talks in a way that the whole experience can feel safe. Be honest with yourself about how you feel and what's going on inside you, and speak to him only in those terms. Do NOT go in blaming him or bashing him. I tell my husband that I hurt (or am angry or whatever) and am trying to understand why these actions affect me so and want to include him in the process since he is my partner. Then, we get into what my concern is. Sometimes it turns into a fight because we are human with egos. It's important to know how to fight--what NOT to say or do, how and when to take a break, how and when to pick it back up, how to express love and affection in between and after. The details are a lot to note here (especially not knowing any of your history), but keep in mind that you and your sanity and your relationship (any relationship) are worth being able to communicate openly and effectively.

Men and women's mind operate so differently. I have learned that men,
for the most part, (or always) want to skip the details. They want to know
what it is that you want or need from him, then details.
"We need to talk about something. I am feeling overwhelmed with the
housework and would like to consider outside help". Then, he is clear
about what it is you're asking up front. Then any details to support that
"cry for help".
It is funny that I am even offering any suggestions in this area, because
I also am timid in the face of confrontation. But, after the dreaded discussion, all those frightful expectations usually do not come to fruitation. I usually say to myself, "That was not scary. Wished I had done that sooner."
I also like to write it all down so that I make all my points without losing my thought process during the two-sided exchange. Good luck.
I've enjoyed reading everyone's suggestions and knowing it is not so
uncommon.

sometimes, I'll text my hubby with a thought so we can think about it on both of our sides and be prepared when it's time to talk. So long as everyone can remain calm and open minded, and that your email won't be received on a crazy work day he is having or something it could be fine. As long as the email is still pleasant, brief and to the point, not like you are broadsiding him with some long rant, but clearly state the issue and that you'd like to discuss it further should be an okay way to spark the conversation.

It of course, depends on him. Would he prefer you talk openly face to face? Consider how and when the two of you best communicate and go from there.

The first thing that came to mind when you mentioned an email was that composing the question in "writing" is good. I think you should ask if your DH would like such sent as an email. If so, make it as factual as you can.

Some tips from our marriage counselor, from a few years back, included asking for some time to be set aside for talking about "Subject X". My personal experience has been to include "I feel a decision on this needs to be done soon ..." or " by the end of next month ..."!

I wish you both the best of luck!
Mom of 3 boys, D.