How Do You Break the News???

There is no easy way to seperate. Not knowing the specifics of why, I wonder if you have considered counseling?

B.,

I haven't been in this situation, but I see a lot of comments here suggesting that you work it out. I'd like to know a little more about the situation before suggesting this.

Is this seperation going to hit him by complete surprise?
Does he already know you're unhappy? I know that I have a bad habit of bottling it all in. Some days I feel like blowing up because I feel like I do everything! Work all day, cook all night, clean all weekend, take the baby to and from the sitter's, etc. But I don't blow up because I also know that I haven't said anything to him about feeling this way. If this is the situation, I'd suggest talking first. Me and mine always say, you can forgive and work through anything but cheating and lying.

However, if something has happened that is unforgivable, or you just plain don't feel like trying anymore, let him know the truth. Tell him you don't feel the same for him that you did when you first got together and that it truely is you, not him and then go.

I am sorry to hear that your marriage is not working out. I too am going through a separation with 3 small children involved. A person can only go through so much before they break down from carrying the load.

You have to be honest to yourself and him. Definitely communicate thoroughly between each other. If you are serious about it, do not back down from your decision. I have been wanting to separate from my husband for a long time. I would say it but never follow through. If you want him to believe you, you have to follow through. Try not to argue, it just makes thing untolerable and you end up saying things that shouldn't be said.

Try to make the separation as smooth as you can. I know that my husband is not taking it very well. The children may be young, but they are affected by arguments and the stress in the home.

Try to do what is best for you and the kids. Sometimes you have to disregard his feelings to do the right thing.

I probably have not helped you, but I hope that it goes smooth and you and your kids' lives will be for the better.

Frist tell him how you feel, If you are not happy let him know it. Let him know you need some time to yourself. tell him the truth. Tell him what you need.

I'm so sorry to hear this...I'm sure there's no easy way. I don't know what the situation is but if there's a way you guys can work through it, I'd highly recommend that you do that for yourselves, not the kids. But if he's abusing you then it's definitely something you have to do for you and the kids. I will pray for each of you.

B.....I think the easiest way to tell your husband is to be honest with him. Without yelling or screaming at each other, tell him that you have searched your heart and soul about this relationship and it's not working for you anymore. Tell him that you think by being together, it is not giving you the chance to grow as a woman and you need that chance. Tell him that separating from him at this time is the best for you and him so that you both can grow and learn.

It's a hard situation, but I always feel the honesty is the best policy.

Hope that helps.

L. E.

B., just be honest about your feelings , and no blame game, as a woman you have to be true to yourself in order to be true to your children. Remember, that it affects them the children in a much deeper way than us, and they tend to look at themselves for the reason of the break-up. I would have a sitter to sit with the Children for the evening , and hubby and I would go out to a nice quiet public Dinner, and tell him all the great things about him and all the things, that make you believe that it is time to take a hike, please give him time to rebute, if he has no idea, where this is coming from, surely he will need some time to not only respond, but to reflect on how his Marriage got to this place.

P.S. you together with your husband should explain once you guys have made a decision as to the dissolution of the marriage. Reinforcing for the children it is NOT THERE FAULT, they've done nothing but bring the two of you endless joy, in bringing them in the world and they will continue to have the support of both Mommy and Daddy, no matter where they sleep!!

Good Luck , hope this helps

I have gone through two divorces... there is no easy way... just say what you feel and get it over with. The longer you postpone it because you are worried about what will happen, the more difficult it will be to do. It is not a fun situtation to be in regardless.

C.

I have to agree with Lisa K on this one, you should probably seek the advice of a good counselor.
The fact that you used the word "separate" rather than "divorce" leads me to believe that it is not your intention to end the marriage? Men take things very literally and you need to be very careful in your wording. If this is only a last ditch effort to get him to see the error of his ways, you need to tell him, and tell him exactly what you need for this to work out. If your intention is to end the marriage and seek a divorce, then tell him so. And do not under any circumstances give him false hope.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I've been there, and it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do even though it was for the best.
If nothing else, see a counselor for you own benefit to help you sort things out in your head. You can give that person a more personal narrative of your situation, and hopefully he or she will be able to help you come up with the best approach.
Update: I just went back and read your last request. You need to document his behavior as much as possible. This will go a looong way in a custody battle, trust me.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Perhaps instead of just springing it on him you could arrange a counseling appointment for the two of you. Then you could discuss the issues in a safe, supportive, and non-contentious environment (without your children present). Then he would know you are serious and that this is not just a spur of the moment thing or a vain threat. Good luck.

Before you tell him make sure this is what you really, really need to do. Seperation may seem the only way but it's harder than you realize. I know from experience. If you are certain this is what you must do then break it to him easy, if you think he'll take it hard, and be HONEST as to why you want a seperation. If it's because of something he's doing maybe he'll change it, or maybe not. There's really no easy way to do this. I wish you the best, but honestly, be truthful with him. Even if there is someone else on your part. Best wishes to you.

Hi B. :)

I'm not sure about your situation because in order to provide a truly helpful suggestion, I have to know both sides of the story. So, since I really don't know his side, the suggestions I might offer (stay, leave, work it out, etc), while helpful, might actually work in reverse in your situation.

Can you tell us more about why you feel you need to separate from your relationship? How do the children feel about both parents? How do they feel about the home situation (even young children have reactions to circumstance)?

What actions are happening that brought about your decision to separate? Does your husband feel the same way? Why or why not? Has your family been an influence in your decision? Has something happened in the relationship to make you feel that a separation is the only alternative?

If you need to get with someone privately, I'm at ____@____.com put "mamasource" in the subject line.

please ask him to go to counseling first and explain to him why. even if he doesn't feel like going - you could go alone. also, I believe prayer works. You just have to decide if your marriage is worth saving and if you and hubbie are both willing to work for it. I am 41 and have been married 12 years. it isn't always easy and it isn't always fun but I am happy we are together and hope we get to grow old together. if you love him or can still feel a tingle when you think of your early dating months - please try hard to make it work. Best of luck to your family. : )

Ouch! Well I can't say I have ever been in that situation but I do have some family member's who have when I was younger and the best and only advice I can give is to make it simple for the kids! I understand it might not be a good situation but the kids are the most important thing in it. They need to know that even though mommy and daddy aren't going to be together that they still both love them very much and that it is NOT their fault. I have seen so many kids feel like it was all because of them and that is an awful feeling. I definitaly don't think that the kids should be around b/c obviously this is going to be hard for your husband to hear. I wish you all the best of luck. Be strong!

I agree with the responses I read so far...Have a mediator with you. A good counselor can help YOU handle it. It will make YOU feel better and then you will be better for yourSELF and for your children. I will pray for you. If you cannot pay a counselor, perhaps a pastor will help you.

Hi B.,

It is never easy to tell someone you no longer want to be with them. I told my first husband after 7yrs of marriage that l was no longer happy and wanted a divorce. I found honesty was the best policy, why stay together if you are not happy. I moved on and have been happily married for the 2nd time for 5yrs now, l have a 4yr old daughter. I had no children from my previous marriage so it was alot easier, but if children are involved it will make it alot harder l suppose. Good Luck to you.

I have to say I agree with the others about trying to work it out first if this isn't your last resort.Not only for the kids but for the both of you.If you do decide to proceed then you should not do it when the kids are there and you should atleast give him the oppurtunity to fix the situation w.e it may be.

I don't know your exact situation, but have you tried all avenues to save the marriage? counseling? If so, if you think he is going to be upset, make sure that the children are somewhere safe and away from the situation before you tell him.

ok.. here goes. and i'm going to take it to the 'd-word' level, but still, please take the message:

is it necessary? absolutely necessary? just for comparisons sake, do you think every marriage that lasts 20, 30, 50 yrs is always happy? do you think they had periods of time when they couldn't stand the sight of each other?

i only ask these general questions because as soon as you voice the statement about separation/divorce, you are going to destroy your children's lives. destroy them.

my guess is yes, long marriages have periods like that, but to get to that stage the commitment was made and they see their way thru those times. of course, this takes 2 very mature people to accomplish and both have to be very committed. it takes sacrifice. but in the end, you will be sitting on the porch watching your grandchildren play in the front yard, with a very secure, loving partnership. you can't get the partnership part without the sacrifice and dull times. those are the times that build the partnership.

i hope and PRAY you pray long and very very hard about this decision - ask your self honestly WHY you want a divorce. is it an honorable reason? is it going to be worth the pain that is caused your children?

many marriages can make remarkable recoveries with the right help (pastor, minister, professional, etc) and the right frame of mind.

just one last thought - it's easy to fall in and out of love with a spouse, but a child NEVER falls out of love with their parent. divorce just tears them away and leaves a gaping wound that children have to handle themselves. it's heartless to them.

jmho