How Do You Balance Your Job and Sick Kids?

I just want to comment on your ETA. You say this "it would cost more to put him in a "sick care" than what I make in a day." This might be true BUT does it cost more to put him in sick care a few times than you make in a year? Because in the long run, it would be better to shell out the $$ for sick care than to lose your job. Just do it.

It's a very tough situation you're in. I think it's a shame that you are using YOUR sick time and YOUR vacation time for child care. You're not getting the vacation you need - real down time with no responsibilities. And I understand about the holidays - I always used up 2 in the fall and 1 at Passover, although for many years I worked at a number of Jewish agencies so there was no problem. (But we "lost" other holidays to make up for it.)

But I also see the issue for the employer. One employee (you) is out more than anyone else, and that can create resentment among other employees. They are somehow making arrangements for child care, or they are penalized for not having kids to begin with. You're paid to be there. They are calling you in to HR and writing you up, not because they don't believe you that your kid is sick, but because they don't think it's their job to adjust for you constantly. It is unprofessional. It's good that you can make up the work quickly, but that's not an argument you really want to make publicly with them, because it pretty much says the work can be done in fewer hours than you normally put in. So there's plenty of reason to downsize you to fewer hours all year long, which cuts into your pay every week that no one is sick.

You have 2 options - and maybe you should do both. You need a nanny service of some sort - consider colleges with an education or nursing program, or one with a CNA or PCA program. When my mother needed personal care, I went through a service (and paid higher rates of course) but many of the personnel were studying to be CNAs or other professions, and they were pretty much paid companions (non-medical). They helped with any meds she needed, helped cook/prep meals, took her shopping, escorted her to activities, etc. I have a friend with a handicapped daughter and she hires helpers for a period of 5 hours, but at least 2 of those hours they don't have anything to do and can use the time for studying or reading. Sometimes you can get away with a lower hourly rate if some of the time is "down time" and not active care. Or you need a neighbor, or perhaps a senior citizen who wants an occasional "gig" and who is available on short notice. I also know some people on disability who can't make a big salary or much of anything, but who can work for cash. The problem with cash is, you can't deduct it as a child care expense if they aren't declaring it as income.

The other thing is immune system support. I have worked in this field for years and do a lot of education around it. It's food based and isn't usually something you work out with a pediatrician (they tend to deal more in pharmaceuticals), but I know none of us has been sick in 8 years, including my son. Don't go for the junk on the store shelves though - some of those companies have been caught (and fined) by the FDA for bogus claims.

If you go look for another job, how will things be different? They're going to have a sick leave policy and you'll lose any seniority you have accrued now. And a new company will be very unlikely to be so understanding if you are calling in sick right away. You and your husband need to work a deal with your employers or find jobs that involve some work-at-home time if you aren't going to get a short-notice sitter or do systematic and comprehensive immune system support. I wish it were different, and I do sympathize with your dilemma, but it's the reality of the world.

I would say it's time to find a daytime babysitter.
If you like your job, having a part-time nanny may be cheaper then finding a new job where this situation can repeat itself.

When my mother returned to work she found an older woman who was retired and had adult children. She would come over for half a day to do light cleaning, watch kids and start supper. Everyone benefitted from this arrangement. Maybe there is someone you can hire in your area that can help you out part- time and occasional sick days?

Here is my HR viewpoint on this. The company needs to be able to rely on the staff to be at work on a regular basis. It also is not fair to other employees who stay within their time frame. It is hard from both points of view. Honestly if you feel like you are going to go over on your days this year, I would seriously start looking for a new job, but that may mean starting over and having less days available to use for this sort of thing.

That being said I feel for you as my youngest has had a lot of health issues. The good news is that I have been at my company for a long time and have built up my vacation time to be able to use it. There are years we don't do a vacation because it is all used on sick days but that is what needs to be done. FMLA is not available for everyone and you also cannot just use it for random sick days. You have to have a qualifying medical issue that a Dr. must submit paperwork on for it to be covered. It may be an option but might not be.

We have no family near us to help out, but I was able to find a local college age girl and often times can pinch sit for us when we need her to and she doesn't mind if the child is sick. Possibly start looking for someone in your area who can do that.

My company would not be flexible either which is a reason we have a nanny. Most nanny agencies have on-call nannies to come for situations like yours. It's not cheap but probably is worth it in the long run. I'd also be very conservative for the next year or two about your vacations. Figure you're going to need most of it for sick days vs actual vacation. Sucks but in a year or two likely not an issue anymore so much.

Do you have 2 weeks of Paid Time Off? (PTO) Does your "vacation" time include "sick"? I'm confused. I have 15 days of vacation and 4 PTO. (sick) If we miss 3 days in a row, we must have a doctor's note.

So, let me address a couple of red flags. First, you knew your attendance was an issue because you acknowledge that they talked to you the beginning of the year. They put you on notice then. If you know your child gets sick often, I would recommend you not schedule off on vacation. It may not seem fair, but its not the company's problem you have a sick child. You have to be mindful of your needs at this time.

Second, you make a lot of excuses. No money for nanny, no one to help. So what do you want? Do you want the company to make an exception for you? They can't. If they do for you, they have to do for everyone. They have an attendance policy plain and simple.

Third, if you get a new job, chances are you will NOT be eligible for vacation or sick time until you have been there at least 6 months. You might not survive the waiting period.

Fourth, some have mentioned FMLA. Be careful in giving advise on that ladies if you don't fully understand FMLA. FMLA is for a serious medical condition. Not a runny nose or allergies. Sorry that is NOT what it is for. Personally, you need to find out why your son is getting sick all the time. Allergies? You need to help him get better.

I don't think your employer is stringent. I think they are tired of you missing work for a sick kid and things of that nature.

They aren't going to fire you, you will fire yourself with your attendance.

Read what mynewnickname said again. You can't compare what you make in a day to cost of sick care if it means losing your job. If you don't have a degree, your options for jobs are probably limited. Also, being a real estate agent is not easy. I have friends doing it for years and still not making much money and they have to do whatever clients want. That means meet when clients want. There are too many agents clients can pick from. So be careful planning.

We have been very lucky to have kids that don't get sick all that often. When we do have a sick kid, we typically alternate taking off of work to cover. When the kids were small, we hoarded our time so that we could handle these absences. Sadly, that meant that we didn't get to actually use vacation time for something fun...all the time was saved for sickness or to cover absences for our home daycare center.

The fact that you have been called into the office and written up several times for absences tells me that you have probably been excessive with taking time off. By no means do I mean that to say that you didn't have a sick kid or didn't need to be off. However, you still weren't at work...a lot. Companies do not go through this written process until the absences get bad and become a problem. It really doesn't matter how good you are at your job if you aren't there to do it. Given that you know that you have this sick kid issue, you probably shouldn't take off work for anything else. My guess is that the Company already wants to get rid of you because of this. They are already threatening you with this. It sounds like they are documenting this issue so that they can fire you legally. I would absolutely start looking for another job right away.

That being said, I get how hard this is. We have absolutely NO family around that can help us with our kids. It is just me and my husband. You should start looking at sick daycare options...sometimes hospitals offer this. It IS expensive, but not as expensive as losing your job. Either way, you have to get a handle on this because it will continue to be a problem at your next job if you are out a lot there too.

I have a niece in the same situation but I feel little compassion for her considering she has three sets of grandparents in town one set is retired and would watch her kids in a heartbeat. She is just lazy and immature and loves any excuse to take off work. I say this because I wonder if your employer thinks you are like her, choosing to stay home when you don't have a choice, ya know?

I have four kids and I can count on one hand the times I had to stay home with them sick. They are just never sick, knock on wood.

Go back and talk to HR, explain the job means a lot to you but you just don't have options. I hate to add this in because it sounds litigious but if your company is subject to FMLA they can't fire you for taking time off to take care of a sick family member.

My jobs have ALWAYS been flexible so I've been blessed, but I also do not take advantage and never have. I never call out because it's a nice day or I'm just wanting a day to myself.

I think it stinks, but it is the way the job is. I would look for a person who can stay with your son when he's sick. How old is he? If it's just a cold and he's 10, he can probably stay home alone. If its more than that or he's younger, then no.

I think it depends on your industry too. I have always worked for the Government or a contractor. Some contracts were more lenient than others, but all allowed me to be a mom first. I wouldn't take a job that didn't.

A runny gunky nose and cough isn't enough to keep them out of child care. It's enough to get a med in them to open those sinuses up so the gunk can be blown out. Unless they have a fever or vomiting/diarrhea they should be allowed in child care. Check your contract or their policy sign in the parent information area.

In my town we have sick kids child care. It's drop in and in an old doc's office so there are numerous different rooms for sick kids to be in. It's cash only and it's owned by a nurse. Some days they don't have any kids and some days they have every room full plus those with similar stuff are in the old waiting room area playing with toys and watching TV.

They clean and disinfect every day and when the kids are resting.

There are sick kids places in Plano and Dallas, far to drive, I know! We have relatives in Flower Mound. It doesn't look far but driving city streets it can be.

So this is what I would do.

There is sick and then sick, okay? There's a difference. If your child is puking, even from mucus, it's too much for someone else to handle unless it's a sick child care situation.

I would find about 5 friends who'd take kiddo on various days. One that can do this sort of sick and one that can do that kind of sick. See how many days they can watch kiddo in a row, just in case. Some don't mind a kiddo that isn't feeling good and has a fever but they don't want to deal with green snot at every sneeze. I can't handle pretty much any of this except diarrhea in a diaper or in clothes. That child goes directly into a shower, clothes and all, and they undress themselves. So I wouldn't be a great candidate for a stomach virus kid.

I know that child care centers don't want kids that require more work to come but they can't turn them away if they don't meet the standards they have in their contract. If it says they have to be running a fever and/or puking and/or diarrhea then you need to point that out if they try to refuse care for that day.

If this continues talk to the director and let her know that you have read their contract and would like her to visit with the teacher regarding this.

It sounds like your husband should be covering more of the child sick days unless his work is also this strict. Are you able to do some flex time or work from home to make up some of the time you have missed? Our local Children's Hospital runs a drop in sick program for school age kids who are too sick to go to school but aren't truly deathly ill. It is staffed by a nurse and doesn't sound bad. Perhaps there is a similar program somewhere near you. A total of 10 days of vacation time, no sick days and no option for unpaid personal time sounds like pretty poor benefits to me. I suppose you could also bring your son in to work with you when he is sick.

ETA: Good luck with the real estate. You still need a separate income to live off of when you start out as no one knows your track record. Real estate has its ups and downs and not a set amount of money. I hope you both are aware of that. Perhaps your area is a hot bed right now but it could cool off very quickly and you still need a back up.

It might still be best to have a college student or sick care for your son. If not, you will be out of a job and more in debt.

Original: It all depends on the profession you are in and the company policy. Some companies are not very welcoming to working parents and perhaps this is your company. Even though you do your work they still see an empty chair in their office without a body. It could be that they have another person they want to put in your position and this is a way to change up things in the office.

Perhaps it is time to seek a new employer if you feel that they will not work with you. I am sorry that your son has been ill more than your daughter. Be careful about pulling your daughter out of school to watch your son as some schools crack down on this as well as they lose money for children not in school daily.

the other S.

Every job I have had has been flexible and the people I work for understand because they have kids too and also have to take off days when their kids are sick. But my kids are not sick very often. I only keep them home if they have a fever or if they are throwing up or have diarrhea. Knock on wood...so far they don't need too many sick days a year (maybe 3-4 or so days in a school year? That is per kid.) Do you keep your children home when they do not feel well? Or do you only keep them home for the symptoms I mentioned? I was just wondering about that. I am so sorry that your supervisor cannot be more understanding. It's not like you can help it if you children get sick.

Some years ago I had a job that gave us 5 sick days per year. However, it was frowned upon and if you were more than a few minutes late (say for a train issue or something) your manager could make you mark that as sick time. I had a manager that was a totally by the book person. No flexibility whatsoever. A friend was late for work due to a train accident and she was written up as a warning. Another co-worker was out sick for 4 days with the flu and she was written up for taking too many days. It all depends.

Luckily my current place has a lot of flexibility if your manager agrees--though the environment has gotten pretty bad and I am hoping my next employer is just as good for families. Like others have suggested, see if there is an underlying issue for your son's illnesses and maybe line something up with a neighbor that might be able to watch him in a pinch.

ETA: I just talked to a friend of mine Her neighbor has a 6 yr old. When she is sick, another neighbor that is home watches her. Instead of paying cash, they barter services. For example, picking up groceries or a prescription. She has also taken the neighbor to the doctor.

I was a single parent for my son's first 16 years of life. As a single parent there isn't another parent to turn to when DS gets sick. It is all you all the time. With that said, it does take a village to raise children. You must find some kind of viable options for care for your son when he gets sick or find another job. When my son was young there were some years when I exhausted all of my sick time and other times when I didn't.

You need to begin to find someone to care for your little one when he is sick that isn't you, hubby or DD. Even if you have to pay someone to come to the house or you take DS to their house it would be worth it for you. Your other option would be to find another job with a more flexible way of thinking about mother's out with sick children.

When my DS was younger I had both extreme types of bosses. Ones that were all about the work getting done and others that were more focused on my body in that seat. My main thing is keeping my paycheck coming in untampered. If I have to make up money because of being docked, I was capable of doing that when I was docked for exhausting my sick time.

It's a tough thing but you have to manage your Me, Inc. and do what is most important for yourself and your family. Don't let them stress you out about your time. They doc you when you don't have any time left on the books which is your punishment for using exhausted time.

You may also want to consider giving your son cod liver oil tablets to help boost his immune system so he won't get sick as often and recover faster.

Success to you and your family.

What a lousy spot to be in! I am lucky that when my kids have been sick or, as is more often the case, injured, I've been able to work from home or take a day off. My company also separates sick and vacation days - if I am home with one of my kids and not working, I take a vacation day. If I'm home sick for myself, which is luckily very rarely, I use sick time. Sick time isn't really limited at my company but if you're out for several days they expect a doctor's note (I think, I haven't had to actually do that).

Although my kids are luckily well past the age of being sick regularly, there were a couple of months at the beginning of this year where I felt I was constantly at an appointment with them for one thing or the other...concussion treatment and follow up, dentist appointments, neuro-psych eval appointments and school meetings, etc. It's so stressful to feel like you look like you're not committed at work. I didn't get any flack, but I was very glad when my schedule got back to normal.

Does your husband have a kind of job where he can work from home when one of the kids is sick, or can you stagger your work day so that you each work a half day? A lot corporate jobs are a lot more flexible with this than other environments and don't really care where you work in a pinch as long as you have your computer and phone handy.

You may need to find another job, or perhaps look into back up childcare for sick days. I know that sick day childcare is a premium rate, but it may be worth it to have that as an option if it means keeping a job that otherwise works for you. Also, because this is already an issue, do talk to HR and see if they have any helpful suggestions. Is your work the type where you could work from home if needed? Or could you come in early or stay late for a few days in a row to make up time when you have to be out for a day? Maybe if you at least let them know that you're willing to look for creative solutions and are trying your best to balance this, they'll recognize your commitment and be more flexible.

Is your employer exempt from FMLA?

check with your pedi and then start immune system boosters with your son. its not fair to him to have to be sick so much. find out why he gets sick so often and fix that then you won't have to worry about having to take time off work.