How Do Parents Cope When...

Amen. The hardest part of parenting my daughters was when I had to punish them. I think I cried over it more than they did. You will reap the rewards once they are older and know what you did was the right thing. My 21 year old is now understanding the hard lines I took with here all her life. She is appreciating that I loved here enough to care. My 20 year old has always been a good child and wasn't in trouble very often.
Good luck to you. Keep up the good work!

To this day I tell my son that my mom (his grandmother) was the meanest mother ever. What did being "mean" accomplish? She has 3 children that are upstanding responsible adults. To top it off she was a single mother so she had a lot of tough times. I'm sure she cared whether or not she was being too mean but looking back on what all we did, we were bad kids sometimes. Now that I'm a parent, my oldest son calls me mean, says I'm awful, tells me he hates me but I stick to my guns and I don't allow him to be the boss of his life. I'm responsible for him and he will do and behave as I teach him. He knows there are consequences for everything he does and has had to learn the hard way sometimes that it's not pleasant consequences. I look at it this way. If he were to get into trouble, bad trouble now, I would be the one held responsible for it to a certain extent. I mean he gets punished but overall responsibility falls on me. So if it means I'm the bad guy and he can't do what he wants to in order for him to grow up to be a respectable adult, that's what it means. I don't like hearing him tell me these things and at first they really bothered me. But, after talking to my mother, she reassured me that they will get over it (and he does). She said the reward for going through everything comes when you child is a grown adult who is responsible and can take care of themself. I don't have a child that is adult to understand what she is saying but I'm hoping that I when my children are grown, my being "mean" has taught them how to be responsible, respectful, and loving adults. As far as bad habits that have taken root - let's just say habits are meant to be broken but if you've allowed that habit to continue for 5 years then you shouldn't be surprised that it will take longer than a few days, weeks, or months to break them. Be consistent and follow through with your disciplinary tactics and you will se that they will work. Good luck.

Yeah, I am right there with you sister. I have recently come to the realization that sometimes..well almost ALL the time, it really feels BAD to be a GOOD parent. Especially right at the pivotal moment. Kinda like having to spend money to make money. At first there seems to be no logic in it, but later it is much more clear in hindsight. Hang in there and it will be much easier when you and your child look back on it. It will not hurt so much at the point of looking back on it and heaving that sigh of relief at having muddled through yet another hard time.

Try to watch the TV show, "World's Strictest Parents" and you may see what I mean. It is painful but it usually only takes a few days of pain before the rough cuts begin to yield the inner beauty of the kids.

Hang in there and go with your gut. Kids are wash and wear and they will not hate you forevre, no matter what they say.

Best wishes!

Quite simply, we have to remember that we are their "Parents" not their "Friends". They have plenty of friends but what they need from us is guidance. Their friends will tell them what they want to hear but we will guide them in the right way. They are going to break our hearts once in a while, but stay strong!!

they are kids they hate us no matter what we do. you get over it and know that the day will come when they realize we arnt such bad people lol.

Children have plenty of friends. They do need parents, boundaries, rules, restrictions, and they must learn that every action has a reaction. Also, set the example. Dont tell them to do something you are not. Get them involved in church activites. Teach them the word of God and the 10 commandments. Those are the best rules of life. Do not reward bad behavior, and if you say you are going to do something, do it. Be it good or bad. If they cannot trust you, they do not respect you. Praying is a great plan, but you must follow thru, too. Good luck and God Bless.

I would strongly recommend either (or both!) of two books: "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo, and "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. Both of these help and encourage parents to get to the root of the problem (in your case, it sounds like anger and rebellion), rather than just the surface issues (enforced obedience). I just finished reading "Shepherding..." yesterday, and your situation sounds almost identical to one he mentioned, in which the child outwardly submits to the parents, but only because he's not strong enough, big enough, old enough, etc., to rebel; then once he hits the teenage years (and particularly the older years when he can picture himself out on his own, or make that a reality), he doesn't need to "knuckle under" to his parents' authority. He's been taught outward submission, sure; but he's maintained inward rebellion, and since you can't physically *make* him obey any more, he'll "obey" only if he sees fit.

You said, "we must go beyond love into the realms of the mind and heart," and that is so true. These books will help you do this, by sending you and your children to the Bible for answers to the *heart issues*, and not mere outward obedience.

The best display of love a parent can give is to be a part of their child(rens) lives and care enough to intervene and teach when the child strays from what is right or appropriate. Those times we have to discipline/teach/give consequences can definitely be balanced by being there during the positive times too (going to school events/games/spending time together). Unfortunately, most kids/teens don't realize what a gift this is until they are grown. I was the youngest child of parents who were tired of parenting by the time I came along. They loved me, I know, but I was pretty much ignored because they thought I was "raising myself okay" (ie good grades, lots of friends, job, sports, etc). They took the easy road by sticking their heads in the sand and "pretending" they didn't know what I was up to. Maybe they were clueless, who knows, but I will say that a little supervision would have prevented me from making poor decisions that could have effected my life dramatically. Yes, I would have argued with them had they tried to become involved, but now I would see what a gift that was.

I think you are right on about praying. Do you have "the power of a praying parent" by Stormie O'Martian? It has every prayer you could ever think of for praying for your child. I highly recommend it!

You must be a 'phlegmatic' (and I'm NOT calling you 'bad names'! LOL) You are a 'pleaser'-- want to keep everyone 'happy'. (I am a choleric/sanguine --a 'plower' and a 'perker-upper' -- I'm cheerful, but I also run over everyone).

This week Focus on the Family had the very broadcasts that you need to hear! Go to this link: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001866.cfm
and click on 'Listen Now'. Also, I'd recommend reading the writings in the box called 'Web Exclusives'. This is the first program of a 2-day broadcast, so you should probably listen to both.

I LOVE Focus on the Family. I listened to their broadcast online EVERY day for 3 or 4 years while I was depressed and dejected. It helped me keep my sanity and was pretty much my 'church experience' during that time.

God bless!

I am not a big drinker but I tend to enjoy a martini from time to time. I highly recommend them. **Disclaimer..this is not a coping skill, I run to cope. Sorry you are having such a hard time. I was a rebel as a child but my parents were mean. I am so grateful they were so mean because I may not be the good person I am today. I am sure their actions hurt but they never let me see them so much as flinch or second guess themselves in my presence. They were rocks!!!(At least on the outside). Stand strong mom you can do it!!!!

De Zengo,

It would be very inappropriate for me to provide feedback without knowing the age of your child. There are different developmental stages from 0-16 and parenting tools for each phase.

Being a parent requires having the right tools at the right time. You REALLY need to contact a child psychologist or psychiatrist who can provide you with the tools needed in order to handle your child.

Most of the clinical psychologist will tell you that children can be reared up until the age of 15. But, there is a lot of debate on that topic. Depending on the age of your child, will depend on how much time you have in correcting these behavioral issues. I really do not feel comfortable offering any other advice other than seeking a professional who can give you the right answers you need at such a critical time. My thoughts are with you and your family.

You could be describing my 17 year old perfectly. Some basic background, Nick's biological mother left him to us 7 years ago after we had been pushing for custody. My husband a few years prior to that had stopped receiving him on a regular basis. Nick was led to believe his father was his uncle and had no right to intervene in behavior or discipline. My husband backed off until we realized Nick wasn't attending school or being home taught.

Nick missed almost 4 years of school and spent a year in Sylvan trying to catch up. He was hard-wired by his mother that bare-minimum gets you by in life. That was hard to break and for quite some time it was an uphill battle.

We hit a road block when he started manipulating teachers. They were feeling sorry for him because he wasn't fitting in socially. Between Nick's big mouth, and his stubborness for being right even though he's wrong, left many kids shying away from him.

Over the years things in other areas improved, but we noticed he was more or less a compulsive liar, lying even when he didn't need to.

This year has been the worst out of all of them. We moved to NC in March. He found a crowd of emotionally unstable girls as his friends. Nick has become angry, moody, depressed, nervous, along with a variety of others. His grades have fallen off the deep end and he is failing 4 out of 4 classes.

In 2 weeks we are having him tested (ADD and ADHD have been ruled out)for a variety of things including Asperger's, Depression, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia, and a few others. At this point we are unsure how to handle him. Its like he's quit life. He doesn't even like his job which he originally wanted so bad and he does his best at picking fights to distance himself from his other male peers.

At times its rather heart wrenching to watch your child struggle even when you know he'll be fine. Whats worse is when you just don't know. We are out of options, bargains, reasoning. He blames everyone but himself and its tearing up our family.

Testing him is the first step for us. By ruling out he doesn't have a chemical imbalance, we are hoping that it will shed new light on a terrible situation and give Nick the right push he needs to attend some family counseling. As much as I love him, I will not sit back and watch him destroy himself and break away at our family.

Stay strong, hold fast to your beliefs, and in your heart know that being the bad guy is the same as being the good mom.

(I would like to add that Nick is NOT sexually active, drinking, or doing drugs. He won't touch a cigarette either, so its not the hanging with the wrong crowd scenerio.)

HI there,
I'm a mom of 4...a 21 yr.old,18,16 and 8. You did'nt mention the ages of your children but let me assure you that the teen years are by far the greatest challange we will ever have as paents. We must NOT be their friends...we are their parents, guides and suppport. Parents get the two confused and by trying to fill both roles it in turn confuses the child. Stand on the word of God...get them in a Bible believing enviroment. I have 2 very difficult teen boys...each with different issues. I could make your head spin...but I won't give too much info. I have been there...and am there. Prayer is ALL we have...never stop...always stand on the word of God..
I never knew parenting could be so painful...along with the joys comes a boat load of heartache!!! Get support from other parents and if need be go to family counceling...do what it takes...never think the issues go away on their own or the kids will just simply grow out of it!!
If you'd like to talk more you can e-mail me at: ____@____.com
I have a website for moms with troubled teens also.

God bless....fight the good fight...God loves our kids more than we ever could.