I am a SAHM of a wonderful 10 month old boy. At this point he crawls, pulls himself up on things and stands on his own. Four days a week I watch another little boy who is 19 months old. The little boy I watch is small for his age, which make him and my son about the same size, except he is a little heavier and much much stronger. He also has the attitude of a 19 month old. He isn't quite walking on his own, but is very very close. The two boys are pretty good about playing together. Often they will "wrestle" as they do things throughout the day. I think it's good for them and they are learning their boundaries. Sometimes they share the toys and sometimes they fight over them. I try not to intervene unless they it looks like someone could get hurt. I am working on sharing and being gentle with each other, but I am not playing with them every minute. This last week or so the older boy has started to get a little violent with my son. My son will be sitting and playing with a toy and the other boy will come up behind him, grab his shoulders and yank him to the ground causing my son to hit his head and cry or scream. He isn't really hurt, more just startled and upset. I've also seen this boy shove my son into chairs or nooks and crannies about the playroom. I have never seen him purposefully hit my son. They both reach out to touch eachother and sometimes it's a little rough, but that's just learning their own strength.
My question is how do I stop this older boy from hurting my son or I am just over-reacting and will he grow out of this phase? Also, should I be enforcing any sort of discipline on him for what appears to be this deliberate behavior? I have always gotten such good advise form all of you. Thanks for your help on this issue.
*When I said "wrestle" I really meant that they crawl around together and over the top of eachother. Baby play, not real wrestling.
One thing that didn't get mentioned, is the fact that he is at the perfect age for this phase to happen, most parents wonder where the sweet boy went LOL.
As far as how to stop it, make it clear that it is a no-no then divert his attention, it will be repetative and seem like it is all you are doing, but just as it suddenly happend it usualy suddenly slows down.
Patience, Pesistance and Repaetative.
I do agree with the other moms about separating the kids when they start wrestling. You don't want the older toddler to think it's okay and to get out of control. Your son needs to be in a playpen or in a different room when you step out for a minute. Since you are there with them when this happens, it is your responsibilty that they learn what is fun play and what is rough play. It's true kids this age can't distinguish that fact. So, tell them, "No we do not wrestle or get on top of the other. "Johnny" will get hurt." Time outs for a couple of minutes for the older kid is okay too.
HI J.,
Well I got 2 kids 2and3 they play pretty well together. but when they fight over toysor hit each other I tell them that it wasn't nice to do what ever they did. so I tell them to apoligize. they do then if it was really bad what they did i put them in timeout for 3 minutes. my son don't stay in timeout so i put in bed for his time out. but with this kid i would make him sit in time out if he doesn't stay keep putting him there til he does stay. well I hope I could help your situation.
Don't let it upset you - he's still learning about social interactions.
"ah-oh, that made him sad." (long pause) "Go say you're sorry and .....help him up/pat his back/ask him if he's OK" If he doesn't apologize right away - you do it: "oh, I'm sorry that you got hurt." or whatever. You're not placing blame, you're showing him what you do when someone gets hurt.
teach him to trade for toys.....to be aware of stuff that makes his friends sad....and what he can do about it. It's not time to punish, but to learn.
use positive reinforcement: "good job - that made him feel better"..etc
I think you have a significant safety issue with a 10 month old. I wouldn't leave a 10 month old alone with a toddler at any time. The toddler has no sense of danger or safety issues and dropping a book or heavy item on your baby's head versus the floor would be the same to the toddler.
You also need to immediately set limits on any hitting or hurtful behavior by saying no sternly to the toddler and removing the boys from each other. Give them something else to play with and remind the toddler to keep his hands and feet to himself. I think this is a behavior you need to teach him right away. Even though your 10 month old may be crawling and mobile, he is still an infant and has no sense of reasoning or understanding. He requires much more adult supervision. He does not understand any verbal instructions or how to play with another child in any way. He is much less developed than a 19 month old. I would keep him in a corral or play pen separate from the older child if you are not in the room, and not leave them unsupervised for more than a few minutes. I assume the room they are in is gated off so they cannot get out of the room - you may need to have a separate play area for the toddler with toys that are developmentally appropriate for his age that would not be safe for a 10 month old. At these ages there are enormous differences in children's abilities.
I think that it's appropriate for you to establish boundries for behavior. The best advice I've seen is to relate to the childs feelings "when you push him to the ground that makes him feel scared" "when you share that toy it makes him happy- look you helped him feel happy!". Encourage physical interaction between them, but make sure that the bigger boy is considerate. As the other moms have suggested, if its too rough, you might have to prohibit wrestling.
I agree with most peoples repsonse about their being an age difference. However, I think if both kids are playing and having fun, and you are around I do not see any problem wiht the kids playing togheter. However, once they start to fight, that is when I will sepearte them. And put the one who started it in time out. Your kid might be alittle to young to comprehend a time out. But he might understand it to. You never know. We started putting my son in time outs when he was 10 months old. When we first started doing it, he associated the area of the room where we put him as bad! Sometimes, when he was playing if he somehow made it over to that spot. He would start crying until we told him he was not in time out and he could come out.
If you are to protective of them, they will never learn to play together. They may become resentful to one another.
While boys are more physical I don't think it is okay for a 10 mos old or 19 mos old to wrestle. They have no comprehension where that level of cut off is. I am just now allowing my son to wrestle around with me or his sister and he is four. I know he needs that physical type contact and it is fun but I waited to give the green light until he was verbal and could comprehend when to stop.
I think allowing it sends mixed signals to them at that age.
I would seperate them the second it starts, period. Say nicely "we be nice to our friends" and seperate them, one in a play pen, another in high chair, whatever for a few minutes. Then get out a new toy and get them interacting together again. If is starts up, remove them and reprimand them. You need to have the 19 mos old's mom on board too, if he is allowed to be rough and tumble at home he will not know when it is okay and not okay and could easily hurt your son or vice versa.
I watch boys, ages 3 1/2 to 9, I do not allow wrestling, running or rough play in my house at all. I let them burn off steam outside in the yard or at the playground but it is not allowed in my home. I am responsible for them as you are that 19 mos old and it is something too easy to get out of hand. Just set clear boundaries and seperate them the second it starts, do not wait until someone gets hurt.
When your son is older, then you can discuss with him what is fun play and what is too rough, right now they will not get it!
If you think things are really getting out of hand, put the older boy in time-out. He'll pitch a fit but he has to stay there, say for 1-2 minutes until he settles down. I'm afraid that if he's allowed to continue this behavior now it will escalate to the point of your son really getting hurt. Good luck!
Read Parenting with Love and Logic. A lot of the previous messages are on the right track, but Love and Logic will teach you a way to get both kids to start thinking for themselves and learning natural consequences for their behaviors. The authors are Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline. It has changed my world and made my parenting life so much better!
