How Do I Shift This Way of Thinking?

wow i'm not that patient, i wouldve J. asked what he meant by that. J. tell him I was going to get a book and what you said popped in my head. what did you mean. even if he was being snooty, poke fun at him and laugh together

It could be that your husband was being curious. Curiosity is good. So ask him: "When you asked me about the books and the authors, were you being curious?" Employ your own curiosity by asking your husband questions.

When you feel confronted, you can do one of two things: you can get mad, or you can get curious. When you get mad, you blow off some steam, but you've cut the lines of communication. When you get curious, you can't blow off the steam, but you may learn something good.

If it turns out that your husband is really concerned about your reading choices, you can explain that these novels and these authors are your escape valves right now. Get him into a discussion about books. Ask him what he reads (even if you know) and why. Ask him (even if you know) what he does as a stress-reliever.

There are certain times and places at which I want to read nothing but fluff. I don't want to make my brain work too hard; I just want to enjoy a good yarn. My favorite fluff for the moment is vintage Agatha Christie mysteries. I don't take criticism about that seriously, because I don't take the books seriously. If, however, I'm escaping too much and shirking things I really need to do, that's a reasonable matter for concern. It wouldn't be the books part, but the too-much-escape part.

Why don't you just ask him? What did you tell him when he asked why you read them? Did you tell him what you said your reasons were in this post?
That is where I would start.

My husband doesn't like to read some of the fiction stuff I enjoy. He isn't judgmental about it, although I suppose I could take it that way if I wanted to. He finds one particular auther/character, that I enjoy immensely, just too much. Too implausible. Too unrealistic. Etc. Just too over the top. He doesn't care if I read it, but he doesn't want to. He prefers to read more realistic fiction.
My deep guilty pleasure is that I love the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child; husband cannot stand them. We BOTH enjoy almost anything buy James Lee Burke, though, and so we share those. He really does have a beautiful way or storytelling, and has a strong sense of right/wrong and forgiveness that runs through his novels. So husband would rather read THAT, than my "beach fun" stuff that Childs writes. lol

The thing is, you have to figure out what it is about it that you enjoy/love. What draws you to it. And then you have to accept/embrace that. Then you'll be able to tell your husband what you find enjoyable about it.

For me, with the Reacher novels, it is the constant internal dialogue the character has, always planning/figuring/dissecting the mechanics of what is about to happen and the various scenarios, almost scientifically. Well, and then that tall, quiet, military thing... tee hee.

You are doing it to yourself. It's okay to enjoy losing yourself in a fiction novel. It's no different than saying you enjoy chick flicks or action movies. (I don't, usually, but if I did, so what?) It's just a method of escapism. And in small doses, there is nothing wrong with it.

I wish I could remember some of the why questions I have asked Troy before. If you didn't know me they may seem judgey. I just want to know why. Pretty sure you husband just wanted to know why. I like the books, they are easy to read, they are the perfect size to fix the wobbly table when I am done. All perfectly acceptable responses.

I am smart, some have said scary smart, some crazy smart, thing is a question is just a question.

Oh here is an example, I asked why did you pick that shirt? Troy said don't know, just felt like it. Okay....and we moved on. Would you like to know why I asked? Statistically speaking he wears a specific shirt with those shorts every time we go to that specific brewpub. I didn't mind the shirt I was just interested in why he deviated from the norm.

Maybe that will help.

I have a cousin, that doesn't get ruffled by anything a person tells her. Nor despite their mood or comments etc.
So I asked her, how she does that?
She shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, that is the way that person is. I know that. So why get bothered by it? You can't take everything personally or you will drive yourself nuts."

For me: I really sort of blow things off, I know who I am. People have their opinions. If someone personally critiques me, someone close to me... I choose to hear them, and I consider what they said. But I don't let it destroy me or change who I am. I know who I am. I don't put a heavy priority on the every little thing a person says, to me. But I know what I need to improve. But I am still me. And I know, if a person is "wrong" in how they presume me to be. And I will correct them. Because, I know who I am. They don't.

People either try to be what others tell them to be, or they are themselves and are fine with that.
Everyone is this world, will have different opinions, about someone. It doesn't mean they are correct. Or that their opinion is gold. But you have to KNOW... when what a person says, has credence or not.
And to know, yourself for who you are and what you need to improve or not. But it not being, at the whim of others.
And, it does NOT matter, how "intelligent" a person is or not.
That does NOT determine.... the self-esteem of a person nor their self-assurance nor their reaction.... when faced with other's opinions or comments.
And, it is also about what you choose to "replay" in your head and in your emotions. The world is full of opinions. But you have to discern, who you are.

You sound like an amazing woman with lots of interest and also seem very intelligent, but you also sound like you have some self esteem issues.

I like to remind people that there are no hidden agendas with most people. If I make a comment, observation or joke, it is just what it is.. It is not a dig at you. I am not trying to judge you or question your mind or ideas..

I am not saying you are like this, but my sister sees everything as a negative.
If I ask her, where did you get that shirt? she thinks I am judging her choice.. Why? I have no idea, except that she is very judgmental towards others.

If she asks for a suggestion or tells me a problem and I give my opinion, she snaps at me.. "I know what I am doing, I do not need you to tell me what to do.. " Yes, she does this with my mom, dad.. sometimes even her children.

But my sister has self esteem issues. She cares way to much what others think of her. We all thought she would grow out of it, but instead it has become a problem.

She just seems to be missing that gene of, "who cares what others think?"

At a certain age, most people are just happy and confident with themselves.

I know once I gave birth, I was totally empowered. I knew i could handle just about anything.

I also try, and it is hard, but try to always do my best and be positive or let things slide. It is not always easy, because the people I admire and look up to, do not always agree with me, but I am learning we all still respect each other.

You are a mom. You are a wife, you are your own person and NO ONE else in this world is just like you. Embrace that.

Try not to read into comments. It is like searching for trouble or drama.. Just always do your best, give from your heart and stay positive. This will help you avoid falling into.. "why are they acting that way towards me, What are they thinking about what I said?"

Instead just take it as it was asked. An innocent question. They just are looking for conversation.

he probably didn't realize the way he asked you bothered you or could bother someone. i read a lot, but because i have gone to school for so many years, now i can just read fiction and my favorite subject is historical fiction. and that's what i read. my husband would love to read the books i get but he doesn't like that subject, he likes 'dry' fiction which really, i could never read. so what? we are two different persons and we don't talk about the books we read.
i do think you are giving others too much importance in what they think about you. i think you should do and read whatever your heart desires :)

My family growing up was not dysfunctional at all, but I am the same way. I think it might just be part of our sensitive personalities. You love and probably respect those closest to you and take what they have to say a little harder. Maybe getting to a place where we are just happy in our own skin will help let those things roll off our shoulders.

By the way, your husband's comment did sound a bit snooty, as you said. You are a better person than I because I would have wanted to know what he meant by that as soon as he said it;).

p.s. Ask him when he became the reading police.