I am desperately researching for some good ideas on how to gain control of my life - my toddler. I love my Son more than anything, naturally. However he is extremely active, rowdy and defiant. At almost 22 months, he is still not talking but he has the loudest most persistant voice I've ever heard from a child. He cries (more like screams) for anything he wants. It seems he wants to be with anyone BUT me. And I feel so horrible inside because I dread taking care of him. He cried and tried to run away from me when my In-Laws brought him home the other night. The second he saw me he went from docile to crying while trying to run back out the front door. HOW CAN I DISCIPLINE MY CHILD TO BEHAVE WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME? My husband and his siblings allow my Son to do much more than I do. For example, if he screams and points at the kitchen cupboards they have no problem picking him up and letting him stand on the sink to go through the cabinets. I would even allow him to do this every once in a while, but I know once I do he will think I'll let him up there again if he just points and screams enough. I have to hide anything I think he might want because it will avoid him crying, screaming and pointing for it. He hits me. Sometimes he will hit me with something by accident and if I jump or show any reaction (including crying) he does the same thing again and laughs. I then tell him I will take it away if he hits me again. So he hits me and runs with the item. When I finally get it, he screams and cries. I am at a loss.
It hurts me that I cannot help but feel disappointed with what I thought my life would be like with a Family. My husband isn't bad to me, but our marriage is just plain non-engaging. I believe his own personal problems cause him alot of grief with his work, our family and our finances. He explains those problems as the reason he could't install some baby locks and latches he told me he would do soon for nearly 6 months. As first time parents, I would love to educate ourselves on how to discipline properly and take action consistently. However, to my husband discipline is putting my Son in his crib for a few minutes if he messes with the TV. After that, he takes him to the couch and tells him "it is bed time here or else he will put him back in his crib". My son behaves and falls asleep. EVERY NIGHT they sleep on the couch together. My husband lets my Son do pretty much anything such as standing on the kitchen sink. He has allowed him to ruin 4 expensive and sentimental Pop-Up books my Mother gave my Son, each time I asked to please not allow it again. My husband makes funny faces and jokes "owie!" when our Son hits him - only when it REALLY hurts will he move away from him. He lets him run around and ocassionaly even sleep diaperless on the couch next to him. Our couch is ruined, irreplacable sentimal items destroyed and our rare conversations are stressed with screaming interruption from our Child. My Son DOES have a loving, sweet side, usually when he is tired or at THE BEGINNING when he sees a new kid. I am just so disappointed and so scared because I cannot gain enough respect or love from him to where he wants to listen to me or obey anything I say at all.
When I was growing up, I pictured my Adult life as I saw my parents. I thought I would sleep everynight next to my husband in bed. And I thought I would be consoling my baby if I had to leave without them, knowing they would miss me while I was gone and so I would rush to get back soon. My husband probably won't change anytime soon, but I cannot leave him for these things at this point because I think he would try harder to help me with our child if he didn't create so many problems for himself outside of his family life. I am desperate to hear any good advice on how I could possibly get control of MY life by gaining control of my toddler. Would he be better off in daycare? Is it unhealthy for one parent and child to sleep on the couch everynight? Should I bring the crib into my room? Thank you SO much in advance for your advice or comments, and for caring enough to read this.
I cannot thank you all enough for your advice and support. You truly have made me feel more human than I have felt in a long time. I am working on explaining some of what I have learned here and hinting that some changes around our house would be in the best interest of our Son. He SHOULD work with me as the other parent and I'm starting to realize that if he isn't even willing to do try,I will need to start considering my options to gain control of MY life again. My Son deserves for me to be the best I can be for him and sadly the only way might be if his Father and I are separated.I plan to take my Son to the Doctor next week and mention the suggestions I have gained from you all. I will update I will update my progress in the coming months and, again, I cannot thank you enough. Bless you all.
Read 1, 2, 3 Magic. It is a great book about how to discipline a child. It's aimed for children 2 and up, so everything in there might not work yet. But, overall it has great parenting philosophies involving consistency, discipline, and behavior.
Some of your son's behavior may be stemming from an inability to communicate. Talk to his pediatrician about his language skills to see if he's on the right track.
I'm so sorry but it sounds like the problem is your HUSBAND not your child. He's allowed to do whatever he wants with Daddy so he prefers Daddy. You wont be able to get control of your toddler without Dad being on board unless Dad moves out and doesn't get visitation. Hard to do but might eventually snap some sense into him.
Tell your husband he is not teaching his son to communicated with words which will slow down his speech development (NO Parent gives a 22 mo old what they want just for pointing and not trying to say please) NO sane person lets a child ruin a nice couch by sleeping without a diaper. Yes, this is the very rare case where a child would be better off in a daycare than with his parents, a day care would prepare him for school. IS that really how you want your life to be? that your child is better off in daycare than in his home? Whatever your husband's problems are, it sounds like you are enabling. If you tell your husband family therapy or divorce...... I hope and pray he'll opt for counseling!
Have you had Early Childhood Intervention evaluate your son? Some of his behaviors suggest there is more than going on here than you needing a routine. I suggest seeing a developmental pediatrician. Look into sensory integration dysfunction as well. At 18 months my son wasn't talking, he cried all the time, had diarrhea and didn't sleep well. My ped said nothing was wrong. I did research and realized he is autistic and told my ped. He is 8 now and still doesn't speak in sentences. I'm not suggesting this is what is going on with your son, just relaying my experience. At the very least see a speech therapist.
It seems to me that your family is not presenting a united front. You are the disciplinarian and the rest of the family is letting this little kid do whatever he wants. You need to get everyone on the same page - I suggest counseling with a child psychiatrist. He/She will give you tools to use.
In the mean time, you need to be consistent and firm. Set the rules. No screaming. If he screams, you tell him - we don't scream. We use our words. I will not get you anything until you use your words -- and then don't give in.
If he hits, put him in time out every single time. Make him do it.
He won't like it, but he will learn that YOU are the boss and that YOU ARE to be RESPECTED - without question.
If he runs away, you haul his sorry butt right back and put him in the chair. That's a safety issue. My son spent a LOT of time in time-out and has turned out pretty darned well.
As for sleeping on the couch - NO WAY!! Set a bedtime routine and stick with it. Do not deviate from the routine. Bath, stories, bed... in bed. Put the crib in his room and put him in it.
Since your husband isn't helping - you've got to do it. Remind your husband that at 2 this stuff is cute, at 6 or 7 it's awful and at 16 it's juvie!
As for the older siblings - tell them they are NOT to indulge your son and let him stand on the counters. If you see them do it, step in and take him down. Tell him we don't stand on counters.
You can do this.
Do your research - 123 Magic, Love and Logic, and any other parenting book you can get your hands on. Go to mommy groups. Find some other parents and pick their brains.
Be strong.
It will be worth it.
LBC
H., It sounds to me like there are a lot of underlying issues going on...not only with your son but with your family...that cannot be properly addressed by other Moms and Grandmas here on this forum.
First of all..your son is 22 months old and is still not talking ? Do you mean he does not speak in complete sentences...or do you mean he says no words at all? Have you had him evaluated by his doctor for speech delay? You might consider starting to teach him sign language... you can google Baby Sign Language to find great websites that will teach you how to sign as a way to communicate with your son. My daughter has been using sign language since her son was born. (Not because he is hard of hearing but as a communication tool before he became verbal). He is now 32 months old and talks like crazy...but I really believe that his use of sign language saved them hours and hours of frustration and melt down as he was growing up. Don't "guess" at what your son wants and don't put him up on the counter and just let him "dig" to find what he wants...(I know that is not what you are doing but you need to somehow convince your husband to go along with this too!!) why should he talk if he can just POINT??
You say that you can't gain love and respect from your son...your son doesn't do these things because he doesn't love or respect you...he acts the way he is acting because it accomplishes what he wants or it is rewarding him in some other way. I would love to suggest that you go and check out my daughters website ( some of the other Mama's are probably getting tired of my suggesting this but I really do believe there is a wealth of valuable information there!!) http://codenamemama.com/ you can do a search for so many different things and she has some great suggestions for books and authors who have wonderful advice.
I think that your first step needs to be to work on the relationship between yourself and your husband...I think that is coloring everything that happens in your home and how both of you are relating to your son. You cannot expect to change the way your son is behaving until you and your husband are presenting a united front...he is going to learn how easy it is to just work both of you...since you are not working together!!!
Good luck to you
Hi i logged onto mamasource to ask a question and came across yours. I am in a very similiar situation with my two and a half year old when it comes to acting out. I have so many people tell me that this is a phase and THIS TOO SHALL PASS. well i pray it does for both of us real soon. I believe being consistant with your discipline is so important cause they will test us beyond belief. I realize also not showing a reaction or walking away from a tantrum works best for me. The thing is that you and your husband need to have a mutial understanding about discipline. I have the same issue and its like a slap in your face when they dont respect your wishes. I do feel that a routine should be consistant with bed time, whether in there own room or a crib in yours. I could go on and on since this situation is so similiar . Wish you the best of luck .
